Autumn leaves flutter as October Fledglings Fly!

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Welcome to the October 2015 Fledgling Flying thread!

Park your broomsticks and cauldrons here!! Or is that just me ?

This is where, from the 1st of the month, we attempt to declutter and follow the 30-step wisdom of Flylady (minus cutesy language and a surfeit of e-mails) with lots of chat and support and mutual motivation (and of course) along the way.

More info available here and here and here.

As usual we will be following a three-pronged approach - and don't worry - we are all at different stages. (Some of us are still stuck at the decluttering stage after quite a few years ):

• repeat or start baby steps (again!)

• repeat baby steps + do 15 mins a day decluttering in the current zone

or

• reinforce babysteps and do daily missions if you have finished decluttering.

And those of you who have decluttered and are really enthusiastic can throw some detailed cleaning in to the mix as well!

The idea is that we focus on short, ring-fenced, daily steps and routines that will help our homes run (more or less!) on "automatic pilot" allowing us to do far more interesting things instead!

This is a very long-running thread so we may appear cliquey but we really aren't! All newcomers, long-termers, lurkers and intermittent returnees not only welcome to join in but positively encouraged to do so!

Helpful pointers: No perfectionism allowed! If it took a while to create the current C.H.A.O.S. (can't have anyone over syndrome) in your home, then it will probably take a while to reverse the situation (you can't clean clutter!). Small steps are the key! And you are never behind: just jump in where you are at!

Any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Good luck!

I started writing a post to you SC then thought it would be better as a PM, so have sent it that way instead

< waves to WhoKnows >

ta da
fell asleep on the sofa whilst DS created devastation around me
Stirred cauldron
Hand washing up
Rescheduled cleaner for tomorrow so I can tidy up so she can actually clean

Need to get dressed and search for my motivation...

SC I think you need to have a TALK with your dh. If necessary tell him you are feeling very depressed about it all, trying to keep bitterness out of your tone (I find this bit hard )

tbh the self blaming is what I am hearing, you are NOT at fault. Maybe no-one is, it is just the life and the priorities that have emerged, for dh his important (in the sense that this is not going to go away, his work I mean) work, for you enjoying the other things you do, and needing to care for dd when she is going through a very stressful time. You are yourself and you cannot be someone else, warts and all. But having said that your dh has to acknowledge that it matters to you, these things, you want the house to be tidier and he has turned the knife in the wound. I don't think with his workload he can help and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to be more under pressure, but just saying to you, I know it is hard with things as they are and giving you MORAL support not to speak of acknowledging that you have been ill, and alone in a foreign country (he may not realise that is what it is like for you, despite many many friends, they are never going to bail you out in the same way as having immediate relatives)

On the subject of guilt, we should be guilty of hurting or neglecting others NOT of having a messy house. Or of neglecting our own self esteem. God gave you talents and you are definitely putting most of them into practice although you may not think it now.

Anyway this morning here has been a bit mixed. Woke up blissfully relaxed only to be informed that someone had stolen Dh's towel, and yes there were no clean towels anywhere. (cue argument that there were some on the washing line, across muddy yard)

However a friend has rung up to say she is round the corner in the park and I can take ds2 to visit and play football with some other boys. So that is good.

Think I will just abandon ship again. I have put some laundry away, and found ds2 some trousers (he was having hysterics having put everythingin wrong drawers)

Whoknowshow is it going with school?
Yes, I've seen Swallow greenhouses, I think that is the answer, just needed someone to give me a decisive push.

better go and get dressed now. Ds2 has just appeared saying he cannot find any pants

Just taking a pause with some chicken noodle soup:

Ta da:
animals fed
dog brushed
dog "suitcase" unpacked and contents put away
dog walked
dw emptied
kitchen bin emptied and cleaned
one load of white towels washed and in dryer
one load of dd laundry on
made very difficult phone call

Just wanted to say "thank you" very much to Knitting and Grey for their lovely words of encouragement and advice and for taking the time to write all of that when you both have so much on!! It's truly, truly appreciated!

Knitting (good you can escape this afternoon) thank you for putting the "list of things one can feel guilty about" in to its proper sequence and in to perspective! You are quite right about neglect or hurt of others being much higher transgressions than dust or disorder!

And I have talked to dh about it many times but he just switches off now probably because I have moaned far too much, and he does help a lot where and when he can, but he just genuinely doesn't understand about the house (he never had a proper "home" as a child - it was always their workplace) so he genuinely doesn't "get it".

One of my sisters even tried to pin him down (in my absence) when she was last here to have a talk about the infrastructure of the place and the cold, and the lighting etc and he walked out of the room .

You are right though - it is a situation where no-one is really at fault - but a bit of understanding instead of blank incomprehension would definitely help!

Grey will reply to you separately but very, very much appreciate your pm!! I hope your motivation wanders in soon (but as you are very sleep deprived, perhaps you should stay on the sofa and ignore "him")

Thanks again - feeling considerably cheered!! And going to start again now with very small steps ... .

Big waves to everyone else! Beautiful autumnal weather here. Hope it is where you are too!

actually, "motivation" personified should definitely, definitely be a "her" not a "him"!!

Unpacking is going ok, thanks SC. A lot done but still a very long way to go... Grr to your DH. Hope you can have a sensible discussion about it all.

Skimmed through the thread as have no internet yet. Waves to everyone and and on bar.

To SC - I feel so sorry for you when I read your message. I think it is very important to many people - especially women - to have a nice home. It sounds like your house needs much structural and decorative work. Apart from your husband's lack of engagement in the issue (for all the reasons you describe and I think Men often just cannot face the disruption building projects will bring even if they know it will be worth it in the end), is there anything else stopping you? It sounds like until this is resolved it is hard for you to move forward- is selling and moving to a more manageable house an option? A lovely modern apartment in a converted building? Or would you be able to start gearing towards an ultimatum - I don't think you have any other choice if you want long term peace.

My other piece of 'wisdom' haha, comes from being a former/ very recent 'expat' in a European City. My family moved 4 years ago for DH's work and we really loved it - the quality of life, the adventure, the financial benefits (this country is relatively cheap to live in). I gave up my (reasonably high powered) job to move and working abroad was not really an option (childcare, language etc etc). For the first 2 years I LOVED being a SAHM - visiting the sights, coffees with mates, loads of long term jobs (like cataloguing photos) completed, LOADS of quality time with DS (activity after school etc). But after 2 years my feelings slowly changed - I started to feel bored, lethargic, less motivated to do jobs (like you I could leave jobs like putting away washing for days, unable to face it), jobs that when I was working in London would have been done bam at 6am before breakfast. I think I recognise this lethargy in you too. After 2 more years I said enough is enough - I was spending too much time watching iplayer, reading mums net, avoiding school Mums who now bored me, lying on the sofa ignoring jobs. I needed to get back to work, get back to doing something for myself, enjoy the momentum of a busy home/ social and work life. I am now back in London, work 4 days a week and I have my mojo back (although I don't cook during the week!). I am not sure what the answer is for you - I just wanted to share my experience and offer my perspective - you are not alone and what you are feeling is quite normal.
I think what Knitting says too is very true (flowers)

My final piece of practical advice - and you may not like this - is put away the computer/ iPad/ internet. It burns hours, eats them up and spits them out. Perhaps consider a move towards a 30 mins am and 30 mins pm policy...see how you get on

SC - I'm sorry you feel so sad. You say you should have time to sort the house out, but, if you think about it, you have described why you haven't been able to do anything much this month: 'But then, dd was ill first week of Oct and at home and I found it difficult to get anything done, had visitors second/third week, dh has been away this past week and I've had a few days of illness in between.' Add to that the lethargy that comes with feeling overwhelmed and a bit down and suddenly all those tasks seem impossible. Like Finger, I also got to the stage of being unable to bear putting the washing away yet again or clearing out another cupboard. I'd done it all before hundreds of times and just didn't have the heart to do it all over again.

It's really hard for you, too, that your DH just doesn't 'get' it about the house. It is hard to maintain a tidy house when it isn't geared up for easy maintenance. On the subject of DHs: my DH had a bit of an 'I'll show her how it's done' attitude when I went back to work and he took over the housework and childcare. Running a house is a novelty to him so he's inspired by that, but still he is struggling to get through his 'to do' lists because of all the other stuff that crops up in family life. And I notice that already his standards have slipped a bit: this evening there's no dinner ready and no wine. He suggested I pop out to the shop if I want some wine . I'm knackered and hungry (deadlines are looming at work, so I worked through my lunchbreak to get the work done - an eight-hour stretch. But still easier than being at home.).

I think you're amazing the way you put everyone else first, but I think, somehow, you need to make some changes so that your needs are taken into account too.

I haven't caught up with the thread but SC sorry your DH has been so insensitive. I have no advice and am not feeling very eloquent right now but here is a hug

Popped into work (failed to do most of the other errands though) and think I got the issue sorted (about the project). Thanks folks for the kind words about it

and for sc . Sounds tough. Financially, could you afford to pay for someone to come in? Or buy some IKEA cupboards and reclaim some space? Everyone else has given much better advice, so feel free to ignore!!

SC I have to say, I have never noticed you lying on the sofa, in fact I think we have urged you to lie on the sofa in vain I think you do far too much not too little and beat yourself up for not doing what superwomen do in your particular circumstances. I think each person has different reserves of energy and strength not to say health issues and we can only adjust ourself to what we can achieve not what we should be achieving.

And on that note, I have made

pancakes [proffers soggy leftovers)
lasagne
served supper
taken ds2 to park to socialise
at midday got crosser still with dh for getting in an tizzy when impromptu friend came for coffee (angrily asking what I was going to give them lunch pumpkin soup from freezer of course you silly man) He has just got bifocals so I will excuse him as he is being driven mad by everything bending before his eyes. He likes my friend a lot, he must have just been embarrassed the house was such a mess does this ring bells..... I don't care anymore, it's HALF TERM.

Dd went to The Circus round the corner with a friend of hers, impromptu, as one does

ds1 ate all the meals I cooked, was relatively polite to guests and did a tiny bit of revision but otherwise seemed a bit sad and bored and facebooked out. Ratatouille Concert was fab apparently and full of courting couples in twenties. An odd idea for a date, a film about a gourmet rat with live accordion music

Fuzz that is great about the project, I bet no-one would have just put it down to your colleague.

To clarify, my comments about lying on the sofa and all those remarks were personal to me..I was merely offering a perspective of what CAN happen if you are feeling demotivated for whatever reasons those may be. And my point was really we all need to do things for ourselves in life not just for other people. We can we incredibly busy and 'doing too much' domestically but if this does not bring fulfillment then this is a problem. Sorry if I have been too direct but this is a public forum after all

Evening all!

Thank you again - very much indeed - for all the advice and words of wisdom which are much appreciated.

And apologies too - didn't mean all of my "ishews" to dominate the thread so much!

There is truth in what each of you have said.

Fingersmith You are right, I definitely don't have the right 'balance' in my life but going back to the UK isn't an option atm unless we split up the family which, after much thought and deliberation, I am not prepared to do (not until dd is older anyway and her languages are totally "fixed in place" + we see dh rarely enough as it is!). And (after researching it all) working part-time is not an option for a variety of reasons (mainly related to tax and the fact that dh travels with very little warning) hence the volunteering instead.

There is definitely a loud ring of truth in many of the things you say however! So thank you very much for taking the time to share your experiences. I'm not one for lying on a sofa during the day tbh (makes me feel worse!) but I definitely procrastinate a lot when it comes to housework and without doubt could manage my time much better and of course I spend too much time on Mnset - very aware of that - but this thread has become a bit of a lifeline (and hopefully helpful to others sometimes too).

House issues are too long and complicated to go in to (a long history there!) but suffice to say dh and I are in a rather 'stagnant place'. Also, I am my own worst enemy because, as hard as it is to live in, I love the house too except in winter just not the structural/decorative state of it! Definitely need to overcome this obstacle so things can move on and now is the time to do it (post losing three parents between us in under 4.5 yrs) as it hasn't really been possible before. Need to stop dithering!

Thank you (as ever!) Knitting for your kind words! It's lovely having 'those' sort of friends to lunch (the lovely ones who don't care or notice the state of the house!)

And thank you to you both Sayagreatbigthankyou and Fuzzpig (good to hear about the project btw).

Toffee thanks - couldn't agree with you more about groundhog lethargy!! Tbh I feel more frustrated with myself than sad, because I want and need to do more, but somehow don't have much energy atm and the energy I do have gets spent on daily maintenance tasks. Since dd started secondary (earlier starts) I get a lot done very early in the morning but then get gradually less and less productive throughout the day! (Think it is my age!)

It may be a good thing in the end that your dh is beginning to find it tough going as long as -he keeps cooking --supper! As you say, the novelty is wearing off and he may gain a bit more appreciation of everything you did formerly with home edding on top!

Blue good to hear the unpacking is going well! Take it steady!

Big wing flaps to everyone else!

G'night all!

*

Baby-step no. 30 for Fri 30th Oct is here. Look at your calendar for next month and take note of forthcoming birthdays and important future events. I used to scoff loudly at this baby-step (of course I knew how to use a calendar!!) but after several scheduling mishaps, I don't any more. It's a good one!

We are in Zone 5 this week : The Living Room (October 25-31) here.

Declutter for 15 mins in Zone 5 if you want to and/or do a mission!

If you are at this stage, the detailed cleaning list for Zone 5 is here.

Friday's mission is here! Detailed hoovering session in sitting room.

Friday's daily focus is: decluttering purses, handbags, cars etc.

The habit for October is: www.flylady.net/d/habits-of-the-month/october/ decluttering paper clutter!

A summary of the above (which should update itself daily) can be found here in the Flightplan: www.flylady.net/c/fp.php?tzm=-120.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

meant dh and I in stagnant place over house btw - not stagnant place generally (well I hope not anyway!)

Forgot to say ... hope you survived the builders today Can'tsee and can get away as planned!

Oh and hope your ds allow you and your dh a lie in tomorrow Grey

Not much flying to report but I just wanted to say to SC, I do feel a bit the same sometimes, I love our house but it is a bit dilapidated to say the least and my DH just isn't bothered at all, unless there's rain getting in he won't lift a finger towards repairs, renovation, redecoration and I resent being left with it all on top of doing the bulk of childcare and family stuff and working (albeit p/t). Plus although I'd like my house nicer, interior design is not something that really interests me either. So it never happens. Some great thoughts from others on this, I can't add much apart from perhaps breaking some of it down to lists of small tasks and tackling one thing at a time. Little things can make a big difference, we had a really crappy metal shoe rack in the hall till a couple of weeks ago when I replaced it with a £30 wooden one from Argos, put away all the summer sandals and miraculously the hall has been tidy ever since. Which it never has been on a regular basis before.

A good preportion of the work done before the builders arrived has been wrecked by the builders. Some one helpfully put 2 loads of clean stuff in the middle of the really really dusty dirty stuff. The morning started with family politics, loud angry politics.

I am not sure whether I want to cry, scream, shout or just walk out the door. Which is tempting but I am tired and bed seems very very very appealing right now.

SC hang in there old chum. Could you just get stuff done so it is done when he comes back iyswim? yeah probably the worse option I know
Also have you thought about doing a free online course. Some really fabulous interesting ones out there. yep not really dealing with the house issue
Do you want to come and have free reign over the disaster and decorating here? Be very grateful if someone else did it.

Actually I take that back. Don't consider this house's repairs it really really really will knock you over the edge. Roof is now leaking Ffs!

phew I finished a form for the EHCP. Pages and pages...

and emailed it to solicitor.

Last day of half term tomorrow, boo hoo. dh has bought a pumpkin.

Good morning all!

As I am supposed to be limiting my Internet use , I shall try and keep this brief ... spots Flying pig.

Woke up feeling considerably cheerier this morning thanks to you lovely lot!

Can'tsee and Whoknows thank you so much both for your really excellent suggestions which are much, much appreciated . Have incorporated them (and eveyrone else's ideas) in to a new strategy developed overnight which involves:

• going back to basics and ruddy well sticking to the Flylady routines and steps properly and not doing any more than that (I know this system works if followed properly!!)
• investigating on-line study

-making a proper plan with dh about house/future plans etc (this will be hardest bit)

• in meantime, making small changes to the house unilaterally without discussing them with dh
• properly getting to bottom of health "ishews" once and for all and find out what is causing fatigue

-go back to ring-fencing a bit of "creativity" time in the week to paint/sew

• finagle ways of growing things and spending more time in countryside as that is really the thing that makes me happiest.

So thank you again everyone! And apologies again for hi-jacking the thread!

Oh dear Can'tsee sorry to hear you had such a horribly stressful day yesterday! I couldn't believe how gung-ho the builders were here when we first did basic renovation work and how, unless huge efforts were made by everyone present to keep things out of the way, wrapped up, strapped down, it would be wrecked without care or thought to anyone. Hope nothing was damaged irrevocably and hope roof can be repaired asap without causing too much more mess!

Also, apologies, forgot to ask earlier, hope your ds was OK when he went to his Dad's for half term and that he coped with the transition ok, ie, the fear of the change proved worse than the actual reality.

Whoknows Sorry to hear you are struggling with many of the same issues! It's so frustrating isn't it? I knew that you were taking responsibility for far too much but I hadn't realised to what extent. Hope you can persuade your dh to hire some outside contractors if he won't help to do repairs/renovation/decorating himself. I agree that a single piece of "solution" furniture can make a world of difference though.

How is the school run going now btw? Is your ds finding it OK? And how are you coping with two jobs on top of everything else?

Fingersmith I hadn't spotted your second post when I replied to your first last night and just wanted to say no need to apologise about being too direct - it is good when new posters come on the thread and offer new perspectives (particularly as I have a tendency to dither/wallow rather than act) so all opinions gratefully received!

If you don't mind me being equally direct in return , I guess tbh, (without wanting to cause a big hoo-haa about it) the only comment of yours which caused me to frown a little , was the bit about you becoming bored with school mums (although understand the good intentions behind the post in which it was contained and the situation you were in which provoked that feeling).

Fwiw, I could introduce you to quite a few blokes in suits who roam the world/speak eight languages/negotiate with politicians etc who outwardly lead very interesting lives who nonetheless can bore for England!) Given my situation of only working -/+10 hrs a week I acknowledge I am probably far too over-sensitive about this subject though!

Genuinely happy to hear that you are now much more settled and fulfilled in your life in London though. How are your plans going wrt to household routines, sport, culture etc?

Knitting congrats on finishing and sending off EHCP form! I need to buy pumpkins today too so thanks for reminder!

Big waves to everyone else!

Right, my time is up !

Have completed morning routines but have so much to do today that I can't face listing it, but at least starting now with a bit more energy and determination!

Thanks again eveyrone and have a good day!

Solicitor has sent back the form but with highlights and now I don't know how to edit them...the text keeps switching back to blue...aargh. This is the sort of technical thing which completely throws me. Solicitor gave me stern instructions not to send LA "blue" writing... Will have to ask dh to help as he spends his time editing documents on screen.

However did succeed in finding some bank details in a pile of clutter for a tuition Bacs payment, so that at least hasn't taken me all morning.

And I've run out of coffee, oh dear.

My mind is blank, and yet yesterday I was rambling about John Stuart Mill to a school gate mum, and thinking about utilitarianism/Bentham and wishing I knew more about philosophy and how it underpins modern politics. On the other hand maybe that is where madness lies. Gardening it is!!!

SC thank you for pulling me up on my comments re school Mums. Actually that comes across really badly and not as I intended ...what I meant (although this is not at all clear) was that I was so demotivated and bored of my life even the lovely mums of the international community (many of whom are the most interesting and selfless people I have ever met) were boring to me. It is a reflection of the gloom I was in I couldn't be bothered to engage or do the reciprocation required in a friendship ..actually I was the one at fault. And re the business men you describe I could not agree more....these Men are so self absorbed they are yawnsville to be sat with. Sometimes I would leave social gatherings and realise the person I was sitting next to had not asked me a single question about myself ...v bad manners!!

Another thought...could you ask around and get some recommendations for an architect or builder? Just meeting someone and showing them your house, starting the conversation might help you feel that the ball is rolling and show your husband you are serious?

Today I have done very little, taken DS to a Halloween gathering and na odd for lunch