Decluttering once you have tipped over into being a hoarder

[2boysnamedR]

I have always been untidy. Dad was a child in wartime so he washed and kept bread bags etc. waste not want not and all that.

I have four kids. Two with special needs. I have taken a career break from a corporate job to easy my toddler into a sen nursery.

I am moving the kids rooms around so my eldest has his own room for starting secondary.

It's killing me. People saying "just throw it out". If I hear the " if it's not beautiful, sentimental or useful, throw it out" I'm going to scream. Everything is sentimental.

Worried I'm going end up on hoarding buried alive one day.

I don't keep empty food containers or poo on the floor - but they started somewhere? I watch them and want to round and shake some sense into these people yet I still have baby clothes from my 11 year old. Some days I don't care, some days I despair at myself.

I am a hoarder too ...I have a junk room but the rest is stored in cupboards/attics -but I do really need a good clear out. I'm sure a lot of it is having being 'thrifty' drilled into me - no point in buying twice. And not wanting things to end up in landfill. Also the experience (more than once) as soon as you throw it you need it!!!
(Best eg I can remember 20+yrs ago culling paperwork and chucking out a 4 yr old rental agreement for somewhere I'd lived for 6 months. Four months later I was tracked me down for unpaid council tax...except I know in the contract (unusually) it had been the landlord's responsibility. (I think the landlord was pretending to the council they still lived there - think for a parking permit at least - not sure if they used it or sold it). Seems the landlord had tried to not pay and blame the tenants and it had back fired. We had no proof - so we (me and the only other ex tenant they could find) ended up shelling out (a good few hundred each) for the council tax, interest and costs .)

Anyway I kept clothes from DD1 for DD2 (6yrs apart) and then I kept some for another baby that never happened ...I had an airing cupboard full of vac bags.
About a year ago I accepted it - I pulled out things I could remember and the rest I tipped into bin bags -didn't even look at it properly - and took to one of those cash for clothes places (have to admit I was crying at one point). A local charity do a clothes collection twice a year but I couldn't wait -I just had to get rid. And the money I got I donated to the charity instead (they got paid less per kilo by the collection company anyway).
I did keep the clothes that DD2 is growing in to but a lot of DD1s clothes are now out of fashion - so now skinny leg trousers are 'in', even at 8 DD2 turns her nose up at baggy leg jeans.
What was good was stuff for summer holidays, really worth keeping - they only get to wear for a day or so a year (most years at least ) and DD2 loved going through and trying things on...much better than going shopping!
Now I get rid of everything DD2 has grown out of straight to the charity bin - except if it is something really special (party dress etc) I can hand it on to one or two people - but most other parents I know have similar aged children - or have older siblings...they don't need stuff. Or the very odd sentimental thing.
I know I really need to work on my overflowing attic full of baby things (eg I have 3 prams/pushchairs in there, 2 baby baths, a trike etc). And countless toys and puzzles and ....books. I could start a library - the DDs have a tall billy bookcase each overflowing with books -the shelves are two deep in places - and I have boxes and boxes of them in the attic too. Lots came from charity shops. I could do a charity shop drop but actually would like to benefit local charities.
I was given lots of stuff and would happily give it away/sell it cheaply for charity. (Don't suggest freecycle - I've had enough with rude/unreliable people)
I thought I could do a car boot in aid of a group but I would have to take at least DD2 with me (DP works early shift) and as soon as I try to get rid of anything it suddenly becomes their favourite thing again....the one time I took her to the cash for clothes place she was pulling baby grows out .
Something I know someone did that I think was a great idea was donate the contents of their attic (children's things) to the local playgroup for a sale. They had an area with all the stuff laid out and people helped themselves for a donation to the group. But not sure they'd be up for that anymore as the staff had to take the final bits to a charity shop and it was a bit under their feet for a week...

My biggest problem though is 'family' stuff...my GPs had a farm and I had a great aunt without any children - lots of stuff ended up in my Uncle's house and when he died a few years we had to sort it all out - and I seem to have ended up with boxes of stuff. I say I'll take it cos I am the only grandchild with children...and I know my dad doesn't want it to go really...things like my grandmother's earthenware mixing bowl - has got to be over 100 yrs old...incredibly strong -it will outlast me...except I already had bowls of my own...so I need to get rid...but maybe I should put the antique bowl away in case I break it etc...
My sister was trying to persuade me to take a big old oak bureau - beautiful but I really have nowhere to keep it...now feeling guilty that it is being sold and someone will very likely not appreciate it's natural beauty and 'upcycle' it...

Like someone said upthread - sometimes I wish the house would burn down (when we were out and safe) and that would solve the problem..
(and I say that as someone who did lose everything at 21 in flat fire...)
I don't know what the solution is really ... ....

I think about throwing it all the window and burning in on the lawn.

I told dh he needs to tazer me when I look at clothes in a shop, then he bought dd a tshirt!

Going to google my nearest cash for clothes.

I love the quilt idea.

You won't get anywhere near as much money for your clothes from cash for clothes as if you sell it on ebay/in bundles etc - but it is ime the most painless and quickest way of getting rid and getting a little back...
and completely understand the non supportive DP ...mine keeps bringing tat home - from charity shops/cheap shops for me and DCs -eg a sewing craft kit - which hung around until I put it in the box full of unopened 'craft kits' for DCs that need doing- that he knows exists
But also for himself - he bought a very posh massive telescope -he can't work out how to use it ...but he won't get rid of it. He bought a cheap second hand bike, liked it , so went out and bought an expensive one -fine -but he hasn't got rid of his old one. Then he has a go at me about clutter! (And then asks me if I have X,Y,Z - eg he can't fit his bikes in the small shed -so I should clear it out - but then asks me if I have eg 'any spare bits of wood' - yes I do - in the shed -the one you say needs clearing out ....)

adara the quilt thing doesn't work for me, as I could not bear to cut up something that is very lightly used, and could be used by someone else .

Your issues are very deep seated so i doubt you will be able to 'will' yourself into getting rid of stuff.

Hypnotherapy would definitely be worth a try...

How does your DH fit into all of this? (You've mentioned hom only once and then fairly negatively - but he is (or should be) part of the household and a partnering parent.)

My dh is a very hands on dad but hands off with housework. He does all the cooking and washing, anything else I have to ask for help with.

He has been helping me this week but he's struggling to understand why I don't just chuck it all out.

He brought all the clothes into the living room for me. I sorted it all but kept 90%

Really interesting thread, I'm not a hoarder & feel quite anxious if there's too much clutter but my parents were hoarders & the house was rammed with everything imaginable. I know it was a generational trait as they had very little when they were growing up & both of them emigrated to this country with just one suitcase each. Then to have enough money to buy things must have been overwhelming and I get that.
However, my DM passed away last year and my DDad is now selling the family home & we're clearing stuff- so much stuff. All the boxes from the loft he wanted to keep for all these years now seem unimportant to him & he's struggled to understand why he's kept them all this time. He's been shocked by how much crap they kept over the years & I really feel for him.
I've had a few bits from the house for sentimental reasons & will treasure these but the extra saucepans, coffee sets from the 1970s etc have gone to the charity shops because I don't need them & can't fit them in my house. I think DDad has had quite a few lightbulb moments when I've said I can't take certain random things as I already have one. He even said the other day (about 2 giant rolls of catering cling film!) he didn't know why he had them & the shops would never run out!! That's a massive breakthrough for him!

Getting rid of 10% is a start 2boys - some people can't get rid of a thing.

(You just have to watch for the 'justification' creeping in on a basis of eg 'Oh I've dumped X amount and created that extra space so I know I can throw things out if needs be so can buy some more'. Have any treacherous little thoughts been creeping into your mind along those lines?)

Keep on thinking about your relationship with your DH - eg how does he feel about your position in the household?

I'm not sure it is a 'generational trait' Lady - but I need a cup of tea so I have to go and get that first.

I was the main bread winner until maternity leave so I don't think thinks of me as his skivey. However, I think he's not upset enough about the mess to tidy it up.

We have home start help us out and I think if he was worried about the ramifications he would throw all the things out this minute. He doesn't because I would explode!

I think he's becoming blind to it. He allows it ( he's a anything for a easy life kind of person).

I get that the kids inheriting the clutter. I had to throw out my dad's stuff when he died. We was so angry when we discovered what kept searching for a will ( that we never found).

I said to dh yesterday that as kids we presumed the house was messy due to mum ( sahm) but when dad died her house was minimal.

I think it was the "she's at home all day so it's her mess" but now that makes me angry as it was never her, then I get more angry with myself.

If I was my friend, I would shake some Seance into me. A few good friends try, but then I try to keep them out the house afterwards or they leave having given up with me not as friends, but the voice of seance

Oooooh a seance - maybe I could channel my GM who would certainly kick me up the arse

This is where I admit that I have maps and plans and lists of where useful things are (A word doc called 'Locators')

Things do have a home and usually I know where they are but if I don't I can do a 'find' on the doc and it will come up in (recently was eg suitcase padlocks -in bits and pieces box file, bottom filing cabinet drawer)
It actually is mainly for tools etc (yes I have a map of the cupboard in my shed... my big tool box...the shelving units -and they are labelled. The only down side to this is I get upset if eg DP borrows a tool and doesn't put it back in the exactly right location....

The quilt is only worth doing if you know you'll actually do it. If you won't do it yourself it might be worth looking up the cost of local seamstresses who would make one for you.

The point is to make action quick and fast - alarm bells should be ringing if you find any "solution" which allows you to just keep holding onto things for longer and not take it out of the house ASAP. That's not a solution -it's an excuse.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. I struggle with similar things and have also spent this weekend trying to declarer and get to a more manageable point.
I have DC's with sen, over the last decade my ability to live life freely to the full and participate has dimnished bit by bit. I've ended up in part living vicariously through things rather than people and experiences because of the social isolation that comes with the territory. I'm working on addressing this though and it is gradually getting easier as they are getting a bit older.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. I struggle with similar things and have also spent this weekend trying to declarer and get to a more manageable point.
I have DC's with sen, over the last decade my ability to live life freely to the full and participate has dimnished bit by bit. I've ended up in part living vicariously through things rather than people and experiences because of the social isolation that comes with the territory. I'm working on addressing this though and it is gradually getting easier as they are getting a bit older.

*declutter

Double post. Sorry

No not that level of detail ...similar things are in the same place.
(this is slightly embarrassing...feeling really sad - I have organised clutter )

So I have one of those ikea mini chest of drawers -I have a map of what is in each drawer - so one drawer is usb cables (phone, cameras etc - all labelled with a piece of masking tape) - if I get a new cable/ have a spare etc - it will go into that drawer. Also in that drawer is various other things (an adapter for my ancient phone - but it is the right one for my dad's phone so if they come to visit and forget theirs -or they need a new one they can have it). In another drawer I have USB memory sticks, SD cards, adapters etc.
I have a usb SD card and a Sim card reader (in theory I don't need either any more but actually might still be handy at some point) - arguably they could be in either drawer and over time I might forget...except then I can look at the 'list' and find them easily...
With books I actually do have a book catalogue of my books in numbered boxes in the attic I used to work for a book dealer so actually have some valuable ones (stored in a glass fronted bookcase) and they were the reason I started the catalogue for insurance purposes and it was then easy to add the others to it (I do really need a clear out though and the children's ones are more random). The ones out on shelves I arrange in kinds of books - so eg have non fiction shelves, foreign language shelf (DP is not a native english speaker) and otherwise I put them in authors eg all the Roald Dahl together or in formats. I have to say I now use the library a lot - for me and the DCs and rarely buy books now (I also avoid charity shops for the same reason)

DVD's I have two of those soft wallets - I take DVDs out of the cases (keep the empty cases stacked in a cupboard for when/if I want to sell/pass them on them/read the box). In the cases they are vaguely in categories with a series of movies all together. This was mainly cos DCs never put them away - but actually if the cases get full it is time to get rid of some! (I do the same for DS /Wii games - the games are in a case)
Reading that I have spent a lot of time organising clutter - probably cos I do really hate looking for things ...but then I think I probably do need some therapy...

I have a list of what stage clothes are where. I'm trying to to the point where's there none in the loft ( failing there). They in storage boxes in cupboards or vac bags under beds.

Went to a theme park today and would normally look at kids clothes ( but nessasarly but). I didn't look today.

I have a list on my phone if clothes in / clothes out. I need three things out for each thing from April. That's a challenge with eldest starting a new schoolin Sept. I need to throw out 70 things now.

I'm ok with targets like that. I am tempted to change my rules! Like two out, one in.

If anyone's in SE London ish area and needs a ruthless declutterer then I'm game; but I am ruthless, so you'd have to be brave!

Adarajames wish you were near me! I aspire to clutter free living but find it difficult to let go and tip into hoarding.

17 more items of clothes out today! One pram giving away in FB. One change bag to charity. I might list 20 things on eBay tonight.

Short bursts of sorting during a few days seems easiest so far.

I'm in the NW if I can come and help de-clutter