Decluttering once you have tipped over into being a hoarder

[2boysnamedR]

I have always been untidy. Dad was a child in wartime so he washed and kept bread bags etc. waste not want not and all that.

I have four kids. Two with special needs. I have taken a career break from a corporate job to easy my toddler into a sen nursery.

I am moving the kids rooms around so my eldest has his own room for starting secondary.

It's killing me. People saying "just throw it out". If I hear the " if it's not beautiful, sentimental or useful, throw it out" I'm going to scream. Everything is sentimental.

Worried I'm going end up on hoarding buried alive one day.

I don't keep empty food containers or poo on the floor - but they started somewhere? I watch them and want to round and shake some sense into these people yet I still have baby clothes from my 11 year old. Some days I don't care, some days I despair at myself.

[cozietoesie]

It's not bonkers, it's the way of things. Buying for someone else, especially a child of yours, is a way of acquiring the things but still feeling good about it because it's not for you directly.

[2boysnamedR]

Yes I think I still feel like a person, I am even debating going back to uni to do a masters. I possibly won't but changing career is a possibility in the future to get out of my current job. I am quite happy being at home with the kids after years of being a working mum.

I have a few close friends I meet with at least once a week. I guess I feel lonely surrounded by people. No one understands having kids with special needs. Maybe that's it. I think it's just a counter productive way to gain some control in life.

[CaptainHolt]

I've been Kondo-ing. It's good, and I haven't bought anything for ages. I suppose if you asked a psychiatrist they would say I'd replaced buying with Kondo-ing, but I'm not asking.

There is an Alan Bennett story called The Clothes They Stood Up In about a couple who are burgled and lose everything down to the toilet roll. The woman starts to live a different sort of life, but her counsellor thinks that, in her experience, people can do without things but they can't do without the shopping for them. At the end everything is returned and they hate it. They are weighed down by their possessions. I haven't kondo-ed my books yet but I'll be keeping that one, it brings me great joy.

[butterfly133]

OP, I'm curious, why is everything sentimental?

Maybe have a box where you put stuff and if you don't notice it missing in a few weeks, then just give it all away.

as for buying ten dresses - if you haven't already, set up a savings account for each DC. When you feel like buying 10 dresses instead of one, buy one, put the money for the 9 others in the account. Then you have saved money for them which is also a gift!

[2boysnamedR]

Just read about Kondo on the guardian as no idea what is was. I think I'd struggle as clothes are my main problem. But it's what I need to tackle the most.

Maybe I could find a new joy in selling in eBay?

[BertieBotts]

Well you can buy things for your DC, but it doesn't make sense to store things and buy new things. If you're going to buy new and you can afford it then buy new. Don't do both! And don't do the one you feel you should do. Do the one you want to do.

[2boysnamedR]

No idea why everything is sentimental, honestly don't know. I guess most things hold memories

[BertieBotts]

Your clothes or DC's clothes? With Kondo you do your clothes first. But other people's things come last, so you wouldn't have to do them.

But maybe it's a good idea to do the hard part first?

[2boysnamedR]

The boys mostly wear the hand me downs, I just buy a few nice updated things so they have their own things to. I'm trying to stop buying anything for the eldest boy. Except I had to get him a new uniform so I couldn't avoid that.

[RandomMess]

Why are the memories more important than living in today and enjoying that?

[cozietoesie]

I suspect that selling on ebay - unless you need the funds - would not be a good idea for you because it would give you another justification for acquiring. You're not completely in control of things at the moment and being able to say 'Oh it's OK - I'll just buy it and list it' could destroy one of the few remaining curbs on you.

[2boysnamedR]

I also have toomuch clothes but if I got my sister round I feel confident I could ditch 1/3 in one go.

Sister never keeps any clothes she can't fit in her wardrobe ( again I struggle to understand how) good job she's a size 12 and I'm a 16 or I'd take that too!

[cozietoesie]

When did you last sort your kitchen cupboards?

[2boysnamedR]

Possibly true about the eBay. It's a slow process. I need quick hits.

I do a NCT sale twice a year but only sold 60 out of 300 things. That's another reason to not let go "I'll sell that a the next sale".

Nct is supposed really to be about doing some easy charity work as I have been doing it since I had kids. Typical for me it involves clothes. God forbid I worked in a charity shop!

[2boysnamedR]

Went through the kitchen this week. Out of date in the bin, not used to the food bank. No problems on that front. Just clothes and toys mainly ( but not exclusively)

[cozietoesie]

That's excellent. I've never known a real hoarder that didn't have a kitchen that could - at a pinch - have kept an army barracks in nosh for a week so you're not there yet. You can get rid of things.

Why do you think you have a particular problem with clothes and toys?

[2boysnamedR]

I honestly don't know. I suspect it could be that they are easy to aquire, easy to justify and can be sold on.

I would say it's the acquiring but I can't let it go either

[cozietoesie]

Is it affecting you financially at all?

[AmazonsForEver]

I am similar with clothing. I think it stems from being so impoverished as a child, and only having few items of clothing, all of which were from jumble sales or handed down from people who were much older, and therefore extremely frumpy or terrible fabrics. I have always bought my children far too many clothes, similarly from eBay, though also from sales at shops I like (gap, JL, boden etc). I've always wanted them to have lots of choice when they open their wardrobes; for them to be able to choose from lovely colourful clothes of good quality.
The problem is, that like you, I attach great sentimentality to their clothes; I have lovely memories of them wearing specific outfits etc., so I haven't got rid of enough of them as they have outgrown them.

I do find eBay helpful, selling is actually completely addictive (for me), I really feel thrilled when an item is sold. The problem is the time it takes to prepare for sale, and photograph etc. I haven't done it for a while, and really need to start again. I find that when I'm selling, I don't buy. I can be very disciplined
The extra money is fantastic too.

I also donate when I can to charity shops near us that specialise in children's clothing. The gift aid statement at the end of the year is sometimes rather more than I expected! But at least I know someone has benefited, and my house is a little emptier

[daisydalrymple]

Op I too have issues with decluttering the children's toys and clothes (fine getting rid of my own clothes). Somethings on this thread really resonate with me, and I do know I'm mainly doing it to hold on to memories as things aren't great in my marriage and I don't feel like we share happy times with the dcs (very sad), so it's like im clinging onto my own happy times (oh I remember that babygro, he smiled and hugged me in it...) incase I forget them, as I don't have dh sharing this with me to remind me if that makes sense.

So I know why I hang onto things... Still doesn't help me get rid of them! And I don't think kondo is all that relevant when you have 3 dcs worth of stuff too.

Sorry, I'm not being at all helpful to you, but just to say you're not alone! I have made a start and sold my maternity clothes on eBay (I did have a wobble and clung onto a favourite piece from each pregnancy, which made them feel more special). Plus the £118 I made helped!!! I'm now in the process of going through the clothes, starting with the baby stuff.. Trying to choose a favourite piece from each age group to keep, then sell the rest. Any I wobble about I put back for now.

It has felt good to feel the weight go with the three parcels I posted. Sorry if I've derailed, feel like typing this has been a therapy session for me good luck

[2boysnamedR]

It doesn't effect me financially to any great extent. I did a spreadsheet last year to focus on what was coming in versus going out. I think I spend about £600 a year on all fours clothes including uniform, shoes. I suspect I "forgot" to add a fair few bits. Most expensive non essential items ( like shoes coats etc I try to but those only as needed. To bulky to really go mad on) are a few baby boden dresses in the sale for about £12.

I had very few clothes growing up like amazons

[Adarajames]

If it's clothes and the memories that are attached to them that makes getting rid of them so hard, you could have them used to make a quilt for you / the relevant child, using the clothing you've saved, then you'd still have them (well a bit of them at least) but without them cluttering the place. Could also have cushion covers or similar made using them too maybe?

[fuzzpig]

Know how you feel, OP. Wish I knew the answer!

The whole Marie Kondo thing, that has helped a little actually (although not as much as I'd like - I have a lot of health issues so a quick intense declutter is impossible) but it's only really taken the edge off IYSWIM. So stuff like clothes I am totally fine with now, but most other stuff (it's all the stuff that doesn't fit in any particular category!) just makes my brain go AAAARGH I DON'T KNOW so I just leave it.

[2boysnamedR]

I am in the middle of a big clear out. Stuff has been moved so it's not hidden any more.

That's really doing my head in. It is better off untouched. It's like a need nest, touch it and it all comes swarming out.

[2boysnamedR]

I'm sorry to hear I'm not alone.

My eldest has his last few days of junior school and I can't stand him growing up. I'm glad that he gets a chance to grow up. I just want to freeze time.