The Hoarders Anonymous Thread. Sorting It Out.

[Solo]

There was a thread that I was involved in some time ago which was started by someone trying to understand why her Dh kept so much 'stuff' and couldn't throw anything away.

The thread quickly turned into a support thread for many MN hoarders and there was a large support network that evolved from that thread.

Eventually, the thread died and with it, certainly my 'support and encouragement mates' circle...

From other threads where lovely Mumsnetters have supported and given rl help, there have come other hoarders, untidy people and those who are just plain stuck in a rut admitting they have a problem. People like me that have become emotionally attached to stuff and it has taken over their homes and their lives. People that cannot cope after loss of different types (parent, relationship, job etc) and it just turns into one big nightmare ~ it certainly did for me following my relationship breakdown, my Dad dying and another nine people in my life passing away inside 11 months.
Personally, I feel that being unable to let anyone in through my front door means that no one can hurt me; I've pulled up the drawbridge, so no one can get to me and shoot me again.

I've always been a bit of a collector of things. I'm a make do and mend type and I can make something out of nothing. Trouble is that once I started to lose important things (people mainly) from my life, I felt unable to let anything made of something go...what if I could never get or have another?! that'd be terrible right?

So! that is a part of my story and here is a thread of support and encouragement (I hope) for others feeling overwhelmed by their hoarding, clutter and stuff. I am hoping that I can get my life sorted out and that there are others that will come along on the journey and perhaps also sort out their homes and lives.

I want to raise my drawbridge and invite friends in. Anyone else? :)

Oh yeah, and the kids are, supposedly, due to land on 26 April. I have a feeling that I will end up shoving the entire contents of the spare room into binbags and ramming it in the loft :s

The good weather has helped my mood but I have been busy and not really tackled the house.

Still struggling with the overwhelming nature of the task which seems impossible but also with the "who am I?" and "what next?".

I sort and pack and then look at it and think, "but what if....?",, "maybe I should...." and put stuff aside to decide about later.

When I was younger it seemed easier. My DD has some of that energy - which is nice to be around. She sees a future whereas I am scared to let go of the past - (in case the future doesn't work out).

Solo - I was positive - and still am really - but it is not easy and life is so difficult. I am sorry to hear that your DD is/was ill. ( Hoping she is better now - ten days later).

I will keep checking in on this thread though - it helps.

Womble :(. It does seem to be that way doesn't it? looking worse when you think you have made progress than before you started. It's really frustrating!!! I too am a bit of a 'shove it somewhere to hide it' kinda gal too, but I've got nowhere to hide it now as I only have the two bedrooms, but need three. Ds is 16, nearly 16 and Dd is 7. If I could actually get sorted, I could get the important jobs done and then split my current bedroom into two and the Dc's could have their own space. I've had the ideas and equipment for near on 3 years! whereas what I should have done was sort out the house and then get the equipment. It's just something else (lots of it) in the way!!! I need to get the house rewired and new windows and the lounge replastered including the ceiling. They are the massive jobs inside the house and I can't get them done whilst the house is in its current state!!!

Cricket hi! It is so overwhelming isn't it?! and I so identify with everything you say there. "Who am I? what next?" and my favourites! "But what if?" and "Maybe I should..."
You know those bags of clothing I mentioned to go to C4C? well, they are now in the porch. Minus all the jeans... because I'm going to make one of [[http://www.e-patternscentral.com/detail.html?code=ES00162&source=EPOTDE THESE]] but all in denim for my son...
Life is difficult, but I've worked out that my life (and possibly yours too) is made more difficult because of our hoarding and clutter.

Last week before my Dd was ill (actually, nearly two weeks ago! and yes, she's fine now thank you), I was going through some of my Mums paperwork and to stop Dd from being bored, I got her to put into piles papers to recycle and papers to shred.

Now my lovely Dad died nearly 5 years ago and I had kept a letter (that was addressed to my Dad) in my Mums filing cabinet. At first it was because we needed it. Then it was because I couldn't bear to get rid of it. I told no one about this btw. Anyway, I decided it should finally go and I threw it down for Dd to put into the shred it pile. She looked at me with such sadness in her eyes; fear almost. I asked her what the matter was and she looked at this letter she was holding and she told me "I don't want to shred this" (remember she is 7 and was not even 20 months old when Dad died). I asked her why and she looked at the paper not saying anything until I pushed her and she said "because it's..." I asked her what she wanted to do with it and she didn't know, so I said (God help me) "Do you want to keep it?" and she nodded. I hid it in my bag for her. The relief on her face!!!
Now I know she see's the mess at home, but I don't voice my 'thing' about keeping stuff. Is this a genetic thing we have? My Dad was a hoarder...it might come in handy kinda man. All this makes me feel even more guilty for my children.

I have not done any more despite my resolve to do more. I could cry...

Blimey, Solo, it sounds like you have a lot of work on your hands there! There's a few jobs we need to get done, but other things just get in the way all the time. I really want to put doors between the kitchen and dining room. It's not an urgent job, but something I really do want, if nothing else to keep the dog from under my feet when I'm battling with hot pans, etc.

I know exactly what you mean about hanging on to things. I keep some things because they have a sentimental value and other things because, well, you know, they might come in useful once day.

I'm not as bad as one of my friends, though. He has a garage and a workshop absolutely rammed full of 'stuff'. I always ask him, before going out and buying DIY things, because he usually has spares. He has what he calls his 'gizzit bag', which is a great big sack full of odd nuts, bolts, bits of pipe, connectors for things, etc. Whenever someone is throwing anything away, he says "gizzit me!". I must admit, though, I've had a few useful items out of that bag which have saved me some money.

Yes, a lot to get done. It seems like a mountain to climb :(

Doors. Yes, that's another thing! I want new doors all round inside the house. I also want to take up the laminate in the hall and kitchen and replace the kitchen stuff with laminate tiles and have solid oak flooring through from the hall into the lounge. Paint the kitchen wall tiles (fully tiled!) and replace the worktops and sink/drainer.
New carpet on stairs and landing. There's more to do than I want to think about as it's a scary project to tackle alone!
Then there's the outside. Trees to fell and gardens to re do completely! (currently a jungle).

I also have a friend like yours. Has bits for everything!

Hello

Just checking in. Like the sound of your plans Solo.

Few bits done here mainly as we were given two ikea trofasts by a friend who is moving overseas and is having a clear out. One has gone in the hall for book bags and ballet stuff. The other is outside in the lean to and has sand toys, crocs, wellies etc.

Still loads to do though as always. I'm hoping DH can take some time off soon. He's working again this weekend

Happy Easter folks!

Have done quite a bit over the last two days! Feeling good about it!

Rocking horse and massive soft toy horse, baby/toddler books gone, some Peppa Pig toys...Mega Blocks, some soft toys ALL GONE!!! very pleased!

Also threw out lots of Dd's drawings and old art work. Have not told her!

I'm so pleased!!! but much to still get done!

Boxing books atm...

Who is winning, Solo - you or the books?

Or do you mean you are packaging them up?

That took a while for the penny to drop Purple! . Yes, I'm packing them away in boxes. Very heavy and dusty job!!

It goes on and on...but I can see a little progress.

Reading this thread with interest. I'm not a hoarder, but I am a procrastinator, and I am sitting at a desk covered in stuff that needs dealing with (and let's not mention one or two other rooms/cupboards/loft spaces...).
Thing is, I know what to do and how to do it, I just don't get around to it...

A thought on a previous post of yours, Solo. That letter of your Dad's that you kept for your DD.
See, one of the things I don't understand on the Hoarding programmes I watch, is when the Hoarder gets really upset if something 'precious' is thrown away, when it's been under a pile of rotting garbage for years (not saying this is your situation btw!). Surely if it's precious it should be cared for?
So - with something like that letter, don't hide it in bag, or put it in a plastic box, put it in a Keepsake box or an album, which is only for really special, precious items, not the gas bill from 5 years ago. Do the same with cards. Because that way, you get to decide whether they're really 'worth' putting somewhere special and not just in another pile or box out of sight. Then the keepsake box can be kept on display to be looked through and cherished, not just more storage (which can become another issue in itself).

Does that make sense?

NannyOgg thank you; that is very good advice :)
I admit to keeping all birthday cards and even Christmas cards. However! I have been doing better with those and been getting rid of lots! I tend to keep 'last years' until I get next years iyswim? so that should the sender die (I know, I know!!), I still have the last card they sent me. I do cherish them and I read their messages and their names with a smile on my face and often tears in my eyes. I repeat though; I am getting better at getting rid!!
I won't ever through any cards away from people like my Grand parents or my deceased aunts and uncles and my Dad? if the card was written by him, I look at all the letters he wrote in each word; the way he formed his letters etc and I will touch the words and feel the indentations...can't help it. Sorry.

throw not though.

won't ever through any cards away from people like my Grand parents or my deceased aunts and uncles and my Dad? if the card was written by him, I look at all the letters he wrote in each word; the way he formed his letters etc and I will touch the words and feel the indentations...can't help it. Sorry.

Now I think that's fine. You are keeping things with real meaning for you and I see the point of that. So again, keeping them safe, somewhere you can look at them is fine. Keeping something like that, in a safe and thoughtful place isn't hoarding in my mind. Especially if you only keep a few important ones, not all.

I'm getting better at getting rid of the not so important ones to me.

Just wanted to see how it was going. I have had so much work recently - no time - but the problem doesn't go away. I have done a little bit though, (small in comparison to others here). Some paperwork, some junk in the garage that has been there for nearly twenty years. Good

Really just wanted to connect with the thread again.

Hi cricket :)nice to see you!
I haven't touched anything for a couple of weeks now either as I've been unwell. Hoping to do a bit tomorrow.

Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to post but I just feel like I could cry. My H is a hoarder. He absolutely refuses to believe it though. We're trying to move house at the moment and he refuses to let me sort through any of his stuff - he never has time to do it himself. So I can just see that what we'll have to do is shove it all in a storage unit and take it all with us. :(
He isn't a classic hoarder I suppose, more of a collector. Magazines, books, records, CDs, more books, games etc. we have an outbuilding at our current house and I just went in to see if I could shift anything in there from the house. He currently has 45 of the really useful plastic storage boxes (big ones!) stuffed full, so no, I can't. I don't know where to start.
Is there any way I can help him to see it's a problem? If we talk about it, his response is always that I have just as much stuff - true I do have a lot of stuff myself, but nowhere near on the scale of his. If I point that out, he just switches off and refuses to engage any more.

Hi Lizzie I'm so sorry that you are facing this; you are welcome here as is your Dh, but I don't know what good it will do you really if he won't accept his problem.

On here, we all know what our problem is and we are trying to tackle it, but we have of course, accepted that we have a problem and that has to be the first step. If you are moving house, then you have limited time and he has got to get to grips with it; storage is expensive enough when storing things that aren't collections or 'rubbish'.
When do you actually move house?

No date at the moment Solo, we have to get our house clear of stuff first! I think deep down he knows, which is why he doesn't ever want to talk about it, it's just facing it and tackling it. What was it that made you realise it was a problem? Anything specific or was it gradual?
We almost made progress a while back when an equally obsessive collector friend died suddenly and my H helped to sort through all of his things. He said then he realised how pointless it was but it didn't really translate into any action.

Well no date could be good, but equally bad if you have suddenly only got 3 weeks or something. I think all of us 'know' deep down long before we even admit it. There must be something that triggered the hoarding in the first place with him...with me, I think it was a mixture of not having very much (we were never hungry, but we I always had the neighbours cast off clothes regardless of their age! I was very tall and adults clothing was often given to me). Toys/dolls/games etc were only for Christmas or birthdays. I still to this day have some my dolls and all my bears. A lot of them are in near perfect condition though the dolls don't all have their clothes now...they each hold a memory and I'm someone who lives in the past a lot in my head.
My problem started to snowball when 10 people in my life died including my Dad in under a year, and I caught my Dd's father with another woman. I couldn't throw anything at all away. Receipts would be scrutinised for the date and would be categorised as my life before it fell apart or my life since :( sad really. I still find myself searching for dates, but I am now able to throw them away again. I just don't seem able to organise my home. I know it's awful and I know the children know it's awful and I have bursts where I do a bit/a lot, but it's never ever enough...I had 6 months of counselling btw which helped me enormously with the emotional side of things. Both my parents were/are a bit hoarder like and my Dad, brother and I have mild OCD though it doesn't cause major problems for everyday living...apart from Dad being dead of course! (yes, you can smile!!).

I can't tell you what you can do to sort this out, but your Dh has to face it and sort it or you can't move or move forward. But he knows that.

Thank you solo, I appreciate you sharing your story. What a sad time you must have had losing so many people so quickly.
We've got some time next week to sort through house things so I will tackle it again.

I wish you luck. I also wish your Dh the strength and resolve to do what he knows he must.
Let us know how it goes please Lizzie.