The Hoarders Anonymous Thread. Sorting It Out.

[Solo]

There was a thread that I was involved in some time ago which was started by someone trying to understand why her Dh kept so much 'stuff' and couldn't throw anything away.

The thread quickly turned into a support thread for many MN hoarders and there was a large support network that evolved from that thread.

Eventually, the thread died and with it, certainly my 'support and encouragement mates' circle...

From other threads where lovely Mumsnetters have supported and given rl help, there have come other hoarders, untidy people and those who are just plain stuck in a rut admitting they have a problem. People like me that have become emotionally attached to stuff and it has taken over their homes and their lives. People that cannot cope after loss of different types (parent, relationship, job etc) and it just turns into one big nightmare ~ it certainly did for me following my relationship breakdown, my Dad dying and another nine people in my life passing away inside 11 months.
Personally, I feel that being unable to let anyone in through my front door means that no one can hurt me; I've pulled up the drawbridge, so no one can get to me and shoot me again.

I've always been a bit of a collector of things. I'm a make do and mend type and I can make something out of nothing. Trouble is that once I started to lose important things (people mainly) from my life, I felt unable to let anything made of something go...what if I could never get or have another?! that'd be terrible right?

So! that is a part of my story and here is a thread of support and encouragement (I hope) for others feeling overwhelmed by their hoarding, clutter and stuff. I am hoping that I can get my life sorted out and that there are others that will come along on the journey and perhaps also sort out their homes and lives.

I want to raise my drawbridge and invite friends in. Anyone else? :)

That's good. I love it when I sell something as the whole guilt thing about waste is avoided.

We are also selling my DD's child bed - will list on ebay this weekend.

It is the boxes of junk that are the problem - although I am working through them one by one.

I was lurking on the March towards Minimalism thread and there are some good tips there - especially about not bringing stuff IN to the house. I panic about the mess and things not being nice and I can never find anything so often end up buying more. Have just bought a new kettle as my lovely old one stopped working. Forgot that I had a spare one stashed away. Unearthed it last week in a box of kitchen stuff but want to keep it "just in case"..... I know that is stupid. Need to get rid of it.

Should do more today but going out. Family coming from the other side of the country - meeting in a pub for lunch.

Hi can I join you? I am daydream - I think I may be a hoarder?! I grew up in a household where there was very little cash flow, everything was second hand passed down from relatives, new items were few and far between. I was bullied at school for not having any 'labels' and things like sweets were almost none existent. I have recently realised my upbringing has been the root of a few problems - my weight, I comfort eat, my house, it's overrun with 'stuff', my perfectionism - this to me makes no sense as looking at my house you would never think so - but I strive to do things perfectly when I do them (but have come to the conclusion with 2 young children I don't have time for perfectionism therefore there is no point starting something!).

I lost my Dad 10 years ago and have bouts of grieving still. I also developed PND after the birth of my first - this was when the realisation of 'me' started to creep in as I had some CBT to help me cope.

I gave birth again 12 months ago to my second and am struggling more than ever. I can't stay home - I have to go out most days or I go crazy which results in me spending. I can't just go out for coffee I have to bring the kids or myself a treat back (toys clothes craft items). I often buy things and leave them in the carrier bag and stick them somewhere DH can't find them (I don't know why I do this as he never says anything - I just feel I have to hide things?!).

I panic at the thought of not buying something but then panic when I have bought something as then I need to find a home for it when the house is already bulging!

I feel I am compensating now for feeling deprived as a child and I am terrified of my children feeling the way I did. I am lucky, DH has a good job, I work part time too around the children and we can afford nice things - so why this panic?!

I have made a start this weekend by sorting the eldests wardrobe - all small clothes are bagged up for a friends child who is a year younger. I have loads of wardrobe space to use so am planning the best way to get the most out of this. Today's task is my wardrobe - sort for charity and try and regain some order. My clothes are just rammed in and I can't actually see anything (there is no order and this makes me struggle!!).

Hope you are still with me after the essay - feels nice to have said this out loud as I could never discuss this in RL for fear of being committed xx

Hi daydream. Welcome. no time to post properly as going out but will reply this eve. We understand on here - no judging, just help

Thanks for the welcome cricket - felt relieved to get it off my chest! Feeling productive now. Wardrobe sort is complete I have a pile for charity and a pile to eBay (which will also go to charity next weekend if it fails to sell!). Going out now too so will check back later.

Oh cricket! I so know that thing about meeting elsewhere instead of at home :( makes you me! want to cry with shame and I completely feel a failure about it.
I put Dd's bed on netmums. Sold within a couple of days.

Daydream welcome into the hoarders fold! no judgement here! I think we are all very similar for both similar and different reasons. You will find support here, but you are also very welcome to support in return if you'd like to.
Daydream you actually do sound positive about the sorting of clothing and getting rid of unwanted/unneeded things and that is an excellent start! don't think otherwise :) why don't you find a Cash4Clothes place if your ebay efforts don't reap the rewards? money in your pocket:)

You know; I completely hear you about the perfectionist side of you. I'm similar in that if I make something (and I love making all kinds of things ~ sewing, knitting etc), it has to be perfect. If I sort out my bookcases, the books have to look perfect all sorted in size order +++. My children are always well turned out too. No one would ever think my house wasn't the same!
I also comfort eat, but I have a thread going which could help you there too if you are interested? I'll link it and you can drop by if you like :)
[[
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/a2071173-Paul-McKennas-I-Can-Make-You-Thin-Thread-15-The-New-Beginning?msgid=49088469#49088469 HERE]]

Hope you are having a lovely day out. I'm not going out today.

HERE

Hi solo

Thank you for the warm welcome. I honestly can't believe how light I feel in myself after my first post. It has spurred me on no end today.

Both kids wardrobes done now - no one to pass the youngests stuff onto so it's in a big pile which will now go to the local equivalent of cash for clothes. Thank you for the reminder as I completely forgot they existed despite me using them before. It also means I have somewhere to offload my stuff that isn't worth selling on eBay (cheap clothes to begin with so it's not really worth anything once postage is paid for).

We dropped 3 bags of clothes round to my friend and her little girl had a blast going through it all which made me smile.

We have decluttered the children's cupboard where we store their plates, cups etc and have gone back to basics with that and again have added stuff from there to the charity bag.

I am currently sat in the spare bedroom which is currently a dumping ground sorting through all the crap again that's just dumped in here. I did it once 6 months ago but we have just finished a loft conversion so it's suffered as a result of that. Plan is, once it's clear, is to redecorate and move DS in as it's a bigger room then I get to turn his room into my office for my paperwork (I am self employed and work from home - another reason to get this cracked as clients do come to the house regularly eeek). The office also has enough room in to put some toy storage in so the kids bedrooms aren't too cluttered (I struggle with the thought of them over stimulated whilst trying to sleep - a habit I addressed during the CBT I had for the PND and it has really stuck with me). I am also mentally planning a large toy cull sometime soon as I have noticed the kids repeatedly play with the same things over and over and we have a few large toy boxes full that never even get opened anymore (I call them the toy graveyard - they go in there never to be seen again ).

Thank you so much for giving me a warm welcome. Not been on MN much as a poster (just a lurker) so it's a relief that you don't find me bonkers!! And it's so nice to have an outlet.

Hoping I can offer advice soon once I have processed emotionally the big can of worms I have opened with myself in my realisation recently xx

Oops and I will visit and read through the thread you kindly linked me to, I have most of the Paul McKenna's I can help you ...... as these were recommended to me by my therapist. I never managed to get thin, or be happy but he sure did help me sleep xx

Good to hear that you have made some significant progress Daydream. It makes such a difference. It sounds as if you have done really well - and you have plans which always helps.

I also had CBT and one of the key points was to do little things and achieve them. It seems from what I have read here that it can help with hoarding, (but it is a very complex issue).

I let the CBT go a bit and have lost the notes, (buried somewhere), but will go back to it as it helped me and I think it can help a bit more.

I had a lovely lunch - and it was good to see family but would have liked to have had them here. How many more years do I make excuses?

My DD has helped hugely - mainly because she hates the house like this, really hates it. She has cleared her room this week and painted it.
(I am currently incapacitated with an injury, (will recover but it has been weeks and will be another two at least), so that has really impacted on what I can do.

Have sold another piece of furniture on ebay - it has been in the garage for ten years!! I still believe that I could have painted it and that "in a bigger/my next house" it would be perfect. Always waiting for the perfect world! I find letting things go so very, very hard but I have to.

So far, so good. This thread does help.

Keep it up

Hi cricket

Glad you had a lovely lunch!

CBT was amazing for me though very brief! Only had about 6 sessions as they were free - NHS waiting list for any type of treatment was incredibly long but had a friend of a friend offer me some free sessions when they heard about my PND.

I too struggle to let materialistic things go - too much loss in my life to blame for that I guess.

Looking back living at home with my Mum - she had (and still has) hoarding tendencies. I know what's triggered mine but have no idea what triggered hers!

Today has been amazing! Hubby has asked me to stop now as he needs to go to bed as he is at work tomorrow but I now have three bags filled for cash for clothes and a bag of bric a brac for charity and the bin is now almost full.

Feel like I have achieved tons today and I can actually see what I am looking for in the wardrobes now

Will check in again tomorrow evening as we are out for the day tomorrow.

I am a hoarder.

I must get rid of stuff.

I must get rid of stuff already sorted into bags for getting rid of.

aaaaaagh. How can I let go?

Sounds like a happy thread at the moment :)

Daydream you are on fire! I really hope that you have started on the road to success!

Hello Isabeller welcome to our thread!
A small tip that my friend in rl said to me a while back as I always used to say "I must sort out my house and life" and "I must lose weight..." she said to me, stop saying I have to or I must, start saying I want to, and it is so true :) Wanting to do it is so much better than having to do it don't you agree? it makes it sound like it's your idea instead of someone elses (whomever that might be!).
Also, if you already have bags ready to go...take them out of the house and into the car and finish the job. I know it's not easy ~ I've had a few bags like this myself over the last year, but it's really quite a nice feeling when they've gone and the space they were taking up indoors is now a clear space...it's like a breathing space. Give it a go :) and keep on posting!!

I meant to mention...a few years ago, I had 7 bags of baby clothes ready for the local Cash4Clothes and so I loaded them into the car and went to the place I was told C4C was. Only they weren't there! I knew that I could not take these clothes back into the house because I'd end up keeping them there for goodness knows how much longer, soooo, I took them all to the charity shop. Gone!

Hi everyone! I've been trying to declutter for a while now. I've managed to change my mindset to not keep acquiring so much stuff (well, mostly) but it's taking so long to get rid of stuff (I can't do much due to health) it feels like it's getting worse. Well, it is really. DH has suggested getting a skip but the thought of just throwing everything out - even though it's a little tempting because of gaining all that space - sets my heart racing.

I've seen this thread on active before but thought no, I don't need to read that one as it's not quite as bad as it could be... but I've accepted I was wrong. So here I am, sheepishly popping my head round the door and wondering if there's room for one more? :)

Hello fuzzpig nice to see you! come in, there's loads of room :)

There are lots of tips and support on here.

I totally hear you from the health point of view too.

A lot of us seem to find it easiest to start with the clothing. Sort out and ebay, charity shop, freecycle or cash4clothes.

Give yourself a talking to about what you want to gain from sorting it out; where do you see yourself when it's done.

I try very hard not to add to the collection of stuff and I'm far better than I was.

I couldn't get a skip for the same reasons as you say by the way.

Keep posting!!

I only just registered that it's you, solo! :o I've not been on spoons threads for ages, I just try to ignore the fact I'm still ill find it too difficult.

It was actually getting the CFS/ME that forced me to (mentally, not so much physically yet) confront the clutter as it was making my life more difficult and making me more ill.

It's embarrassing how bad it is - some nights I can't sleep for coughing, I think it's the dust in our room as when I go downstairs it stops :(

Only 9 days until the DCs are back at school. I'm hoping I will be able to attack it properly then but it'll take a while to get back into the swing of things. I've not had a full on relapse but have been struggling this summer. And as you know it's all to easy to overdo things and suffer for it! I work basically alternate days so have to be careful.

Not entirely sure where to start TBH. Clothes I actually managed a little while ago (I agree, it's a relatively easy place to start) so only have stuff I wear :) but could do with going through the DCs once more as they've grown AGAIN! :o

DH has loads of time owing as he's been working 6 day weeks and lots of annual leave left, so if he ever gets a chance to take it then we will use it to really attack the clutter. My dad also said he will come up for a day at some point to do plenty of tip/charity shop runs in the car bless him.

Right sorry enough of the waffle I'm off to actually read the thread!

OK I've read about half the thread so far and it's really inspiring. Also found myself nodding fervently to various revelations. It's a horrible issue to have to deal with :(

Need to charge my iPod before I read the rest, so while that's plugged in I'm going to gather up some more paperwork. Most of it is stuff I need DH's input on so I'll put it in a bag for life - there's some in there already from the beginning of summer.

My biggest practical problem with tackling it all is that I'm very 'all or nothing'. I put huge pressure on myself to get everything done and feel terrible when I inevitably don't mange it!

But more often this tendency means I never get anything done at all. I always think "oh I'll start when the DCs are back at school" or whatever, and therefore don't do even a little bit before that - even though tiny things would still be progress. It is like saying I'll start a diet on January 1st and eating really badly until then rather than making even one healthy choice.

So with that in mind I am going to keep reminding myself that even though I will have more time in 9 days when DCs return to school, I WILL get some little bits done before then!

No, I stopped going on there too. I felt like someone (mentioning no names and I don't think it was you) took my comment the wrong way and although I think I explained myself and apologized, I never felt welcome there again. It was about the postcard that I and others were sent which was lovely but I almost didn't pay for the postage (no stamp) as I didn't know who it was from and wasn't expecting anything. Was glad to have collected it, but...! and it was taken as a slur on the sender :(

As far as decluttering is concerned, do a bit at a time. At least you have help from a willing Dh and Dad...this is my hardest part. I have no help.

Oh dear, I didn't know that had happened on the thread solo :(

And it no doubt sounds really patronising, it's not meant to, but I really admire the fact you are facing all this on your own. Is DS helping with any of the lifting and stuff? (It's something I struggle with anyway, a lot of the pain I get is in my arms)

Not done much today but now I've sorted out a childcare nightmare I have the headspace to do... I don't know, SOMETHING at least. Supposedly.

No not patronising :) and no, Ds won't help me at all. He's a lazy good for nothing 16 year old who is all take take take. I'm hoping he'll grow out of that and start respecting me, but only time will tell.

I have little strength in my arms either; they ache sooo quickly when I try to do anything.

Today (late start again), I sorted through a huge bag of Dd's clothing ready to sell. I also sorted out my Chinese laundry dining room a bit, but have a lot more to do in there.
Tomorrow (today!) I have to take Ds out to buy him a suit for 6th form . I much prefer uniform! I hope to God he sorts his head out for the next 2 years because if he can do that then hopefully he'll get his head around university!

I have got so much to do here at home.

Somebody has stolen my hall...because it is clear!!! unfortunately, my kitchen, dining room and sitting room are full to bursting even more cluttered :( got the meter inspection tomorrow

However! I have a load of stuff for charity. A load of stuff for C4C. A load of dressing up stuff and mega blocks for the nursery on Tuesday. There were quite a few pairs of old and worn out shoes binned. And quite a lot of dust in the bin it was minging

Unbelievable amount to get done still though.

And...I happened to be in the bathroom when the meter reader came! remade the appointment for Weds.

Oh dear solo - still at least it's a job done and you feel you have achieved something.

I haven't managed much since my mad session the other day as I have been enjoying the last week with dd at home before she goes back to school next week.

Did sort through a bag of stuff I kept from my Dad though it's been hidden in SILs loft for years but we took some stuff out a few weeks ago and thought I had better face it! Out of the 10 items of clothing I kept 8 have gone in C4C bag as I realised I actually felt nothing for them. I have just kept a tie and a funny padded jacket with 8 million pockets (he used it for fishing) - I bought it for him the Christmas before he died and can't bare to let that one go. It's bulky so have vac packed it.

We are constantly in discussion here at the moment about changing some of our storage so I am sat here planning with a notebook and pen (another of my hoarding favourites notebooks and pens!!).

Went to visit a friend at her new house yesterday - it's immaculate and so beautiful. Has inspired me to get house proud again. And I return back to work from (extended) maternity leave properly next week and will have an income of my own again - am seriously thinking of hiring a cleaner (once I get to a stage where I feel I can let people in again!!).

How is everyone else getting on?

DCs back at school tomorrow! I am mostly very pleased about this :o

I'm also very proud I have managed to do a few little bits of decluttering in the last week rather than leaving it all til term starts. Given my "all or nothing" issue this is a triumph for my mental health as well as for the house :)

I came up against a few tricky items like clothes that could eventually be mended and chunky puzzles with missing pieces that could be around but I'm pleased to say I let go.

Solo that's a lot you've achieved with all the stuff going out of the house. And you're letting the meter reader in, that's great (I would really struggle with that - thankfully on these cheap crappy new builds all the meters are outside!

Hopefully your DS will soon outgrow the selfish teenager phase. Has he got a PT job yet? That may help especially if you charge some housekeeping :o also I know a lot of teens have got their wake up call when they start sixth form. It's so different from school as you need a lot more self motivation. So fingers crossed :)

Got to venture into town for the last couple of bits later (and a milkshake as I promised myself the DCs!) and my other aims are:

• one more load of washing
• get DCs to put their clean clothes away (been piling up on the stairs again)
• sort through giant sports direct bag full of random crap
• fill at least one bag of rubbish
• fill at least one bag of recycling

That's not including the getting ready for school stuff - packing bags and sewing name tags, argh!