Struggling with work, running the home and feeling rubbish! Any advice please?

[Jemster]

Hi
I'm really struggling with things at the moment and can't seem to get myself sorted. My days go like this:

Awake from 5-6am with one year old. Feel tired even after a night's sleep! Start work at 8.30, husband takes five yr old to school and dd to childminder.

Finish work at 1.30, pick up dd at 2.00pm. Back hone for half an hour before school pick up at 3.00pm. I try and spend the afternoon playing or doing something with dc as feel guilty otherwise being at work in morning.
Cobble together their tea at 5.00pm, then dh gets home and does bath & bed at 6.00pm while I make our tea.

After tea do a bit of tidying but usually exhausted and find it hard to do much. I have a chronic condition which tires me out.

I am just not getting to the housework, ironing, tidying and my house is a mess. Every morning is a stress as no one can find anything. I am getting more and more behind with everything and its getting me down.

Does anyone have anyone have any suggestions to help me sort my life out! The chaos is making me feel stressed out! Thanks

What's your diet like? Do you drink enough water?

What chores does your DH do?

Could you get a cleaner?

Can you rearrange things to make tidying easier eg better storage. What about cleaning - can you do a little and often approach.

I work 4 days a week and it's hard. I do little bits of cleaning as I go, we have loads of boxes for storage and DH does his share although not always which helps.

No wonder you are tired that's a lot to do in one day and getting up at 5!

I'm exhausted just reading that - and I don't have a chronic illness.

first - stop ironing. Wear non-iron stuff to work. Nothing your children wear needs ironing.
second - lose the guilt. You are working to provide for your kids and are a good mother. They need you to be happy and healthy. They can amuse themselves for a bit while you either get on with stuff or put your feet up. Have fun with them by all means (that's why you had them!) but look after yourself. The five year old is certainly old enough to help with basic stuff, and MUST be tidying toys away.
try to make life easier with food - batch cook so some evenings all you have to do is defrost a previous meal.

and if there is any scope for help, get it!

In your position I would change things around a bit. It sounds a lot like my day used to be (and like the days of lots of others here on the site)

Choose an evening or a weekend afternoon to batch cook. For example make spag bol mixture but make four times as much as you ordinarily would and put three portions in the freezer. After you've done this a few times you will literally have a freezer full of meals.

Don't cook separately for you and your DC. Your DC can eat the same as you've had the previous evening. Use your half hour at home before school run to straighten up. Likewise your early morning start - if its only you and the baby up then you can get a few things done during this time whilst the house is quiet.

Give DH a daily task. Housework is a shared household responsibility.

Get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week if you can (about £10-£15 an hour in most areas)

Running a house and a family and working is tough.

1. change evenings around so you are only cooking once, and eat together. Means you spend time together also. You can always get one to bath kids at 6, and then all eat at 6.30.
2. don't bath kids every night
3. as later eating, kids to bed a bit later, ie 7.30/8pm, hopefully leading to better wake times more like 7.30am
4. get a cleaner 2 hrs a week
5. don't iron unless someone is getting married or died
6. get kids to help. Especially 5 year old, don't let them get all toys out at once, just a few, then one away before another out policy. 5 year old can also learn to put their waging in basket/ dirty cup next to sink/ shoes and coat off and not dumped etc..
7. tidy up as you go / when kids playing so you don't start when they are asleep.

• washing in basket!

I am not surprised you are tired - I would be and don't have a chronic condition!!

I think the whole working round the school day is totally exhausting and tbh I took steps to change my routine when I did this. While I felt guilty not doing school pick up every day I found it worked better to do two full working days and fit in the rest of the hours around school just so I could have those 2 days to focus on work and the children were looked after (pre-schooler with cm all day and school age child with cm after school - both fed by her at tea time). This meant that I got one and a half days off with the pre-schooler and only missed two pickups a week for my school aged DD.

I also got a cleaner which was worth every penny.

Our circumstances have now changed and I'm not working so I am currently doing packed lunches and evening meals for both children every day and I find that totally exhausting on top of the housework - I really miss my 2 days "off" and my cleaner despite not having to fit in a job as well. FWIW I think the after school slot is the hardest work of any parenting as you have to deal with whatever sort of day they have had and it is very concentrated time with a lot to get done (reading, homework, activities, playdates, spending quality time, having tea, bath, story bed). To work and do that every day is full on.

Oh and spend the afternoon with kids sure, but relax too. So maybe pop to local park with picnic blanket. Take balls and bubbles and play a little together but also take time to lounge quietly on rug with youngest playing with some toys and oldest entertaining self for a little while. You might even be able to read a little

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies. My diet is not too bad but always room for improvement and I could drink more water.

I never used to iron but as the children grow I would hate for them to look like I haven't bothered, you know what people can be like!

A cleaner would be lovely but there is no way we can justify the cost right now as we are only just getting by between pay days.

DH does help, he does the kitchen every night but not mu h else. He probably would if I asked him but he takes rather a long time to get round to things which annoys me as I have to keep asking and feel like I'm nagging.

I do think we have too much stuff and not enough space. There is stuff everywhere! I have decluttered and got rid of loads this year but it doesn't seem to look any different! Where am I going wrong here?

I just feel like I can never relax with my family as I am constantly looking at mess and jobs that need doing. Sometimes I'm just so tired I just go to bed and then of course it's all still there in the morning!!

I think the whole family needs to pitch in. Is there any way your DH could take both kids out for a few hours Saturday morning? Then you could get the house sorted out and organized.
Create some house rules that everyone has to stick by, for example shoes off when you walk in and put them in a basket or shoe rack by the door. Have your 5 year old's toys in one place only, and tell them they need to put them away as soon as she finishes playing.
Laundry- sounds funny but I suggest buying more basics that you need everyday, like socks, undies, school blouses, work shirts, onesies etc. This will guarantee you will all have enough clothes for the week even if you can't get to do laundry. When you are folding dry laundry put your 5 year old's clothes in a separate basket which they can then take into her room and put their own clothes away.
Keep meals simple..and I agree that it makes sense for all of you to eat at the same time and put kids to bed later. After dinner your husband could do bath & bed while you tidy up. Also give paper plates a shot, they make life much easier!
When you are at home for 30 minutes between pick ups what do you do? This would be an ideal time to relax if you can, or dedicate that time to putting on a load of laundry and putting another load away.

HoneyStep thanks for those great ideas. I do definitely need to get 5 year old to help out more and get more control over the toys which seem to be everywhere!
When I get home I tend to spend the time playing with dd as I have been at work all morning. I find it hard to do much when she's around as she wants my attention all the time!

Could you take a couple of days off to blitz the house and laundry pile to catch up so you are at a point where you can "start from scratch", then it probably would not take you too long each day to keep on top of stuff if DH helps too. Work out a routine where you say to DH, right you do x and I will do y, will be much quicker and then we can both sit down at x o'clock and relax. I only work 2 days and I find it hard catching up so don't be so hard on yourself!

OP you are being too hard on yourself! My suggestion would be that you think of this as a 2 stage plan:

1. Give yourself a month or 2 to tackle the house (like ^^ said)
2. Create a plan and routine that let's you stay on top of things.

I'm up between 5-6am each morning too. I keep my multivitamins in the bathroom and take one each morning when getting ready. Also having a filling but healthy breakfast helps keep me going.
It sounds like you have about 2 hours in the morning before leaving for work. Could you get something done before you leave? Like put on a load of laundry, pay bills online, or clean the bathroom? I often do things at funny hours because it's what works for me.
When you are ready to tackle the house make a plan first. Walk through each room with a pad and pen and write down what needs to be done. Then break down each room and treat it as a separate project. Break down each cupboard, shelf, and drawer and consider it a separate chore. Then give yourself a month to tackle this, and make sure your husband is aware of this. You could do a drawer before work, and another drawer or shelf when you are at home between school runs. Remember this will be temporary! Then each Saturday or Sunday for the month have your DH take the kids for 2-3 hours while you really get stuck in.
I put lables inside of drawers and I find this really helps people put things back in the right place. I have labled all of our remote controls since they would get mixed up all the time. Went through DsS' toys and was ruthless! I don't allow McDonald's tat in the house, and if it makes it over the threshold it strangely goes missing in the night. We keep his toys in 2 places only- his toy cupboard in stackable boxes and a wicker basket with a lid on it in the living room. I don't have a lot of storage in my house so I hung those over the door shoe organizers in the closets. We keep all kinds of stuff in the pockets, like umbrellas and dog leashes. The ones with the clear pockets are the best.
If your DH isn't thrilled about housework then agree on something that he is willing to do- always- without being prompted. If that is putting out the bins and watching the kids so you can clean then so be it.
When you have sorted out the house don't try to do too many things in one day to keep up. What I mean by that is letting everything pile up for the weekend then getting overwhelmed. I break things up. For example on Mondays I give all the plants Miracle Grow (5 min job) and put away all the clean laundry (15 min job). Tuesday I file all paid bills and receipts and so on. I have a quick routine every night that involves making sure all dishes are washed (or paper plates thrown out!) and kitchen counters are sprayed and wiped. All toys are thrown into toy basket, loose clothes and socks into laundry hamper. Toilets get a quick clean, shower glass gets sprayed. Plump up sofa pillows, take out meat/dinner to defrost for next day. Check day planner. This all takes about 25 mins total and then I can relax with DH and some wine or a cuppa.
There's nothing wrong with keeping meals quick and simple so you can spend more time playing with the kids. Things like frozen pizza with salad in a bag, gnocchi with pesto, ready made (or pre-made) mash with sausages and frozen peas, grilled cheese & tomato on toast all involve very little preparing but go done like in treat in my house. Pudding is yoghurt, ice-cream or fruit.
I use my commute time the best I can. When driving I listen to music and consider it a bit of 'me' time. On the bus I check emails and fill in my day planner. I keep mineral powder foundation and coloured lipgloss in my handbag so I can do my face on the go even without a mirror.
Hope some of this helps you out, sorry about the loooong post!

You're awesome honeystepmummy! I agree with doing bits where you can, if I have a spare 10 mins before the school run ( on days I don't work) I'll clean a bathroom or polish the lounge, 10 mins is actually long enough to get a fair bit done as long as it's in a reasonable state to begin with.

Thanks so much honeystepmummy, very kind of you to offer so much advice. You have given me some good ideas, especially about using the time better in the morning before work to do things. I will try this. Also like your ideas for more simple teas. I think I worry that I should be making big grand meals from scratch every day when to be honest simple is probably better where my 5 yr old is concerned.
I think I need some time and space to get myself organised and think through how I can manage better. Evenings I'm too exhausted for anything so I think I will ask dh to take the dc out this weekend and I will try and get sorted. Thanks again everyone.

Please reconsider your ironing policy - anyone who judges you for not ironing your children's clothes is a numpty. Most people won't even notice!

Someone on here once said something that takes ten minutes in the evening will take twenty in the morning and that is definitely my experience so I would suggest getting as much as possible ready in the evening so mornings are easier.

I would also only cook one simple meal for everyone.

Good luck and please be kind to yourself. Your family would rather have a well happy mum and wife than a show home!

It is tough, you are doing so much. No wonder you are exhausted, I think you need to cut yourself some slack TBH. Simple meals are the way to go during the week, save gastronomic experimentation for the weekend. Agree 5yo does not need bathing nightly, although if bathing 1year old anyway, might be easier to throw them in together.Have you thought about getting a slow cooker then you could use your early morning to prepare for e.g. Bolognese which you could eat when dcs are in bed. FWIW this year I have given up cooking when I get downstairs after dcs I bed. TBH I have virtually given up coming back downstairs ( they go to bed at 8:30) . I just have a bath and read.

Funny cravingdairy I was thinking the exact opposite. An hour between 5 &8 am is worth 2 between 9pm and midnight to me (very much a morning person)

Hi ,

You have a lot on your plate op .

Just wanted to share this .

I have started the decluttering ......at snails pace but it's progressing ....and that motivates me to get the daily stuff done

www.keeperofthehome.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/8-weeks-to-declutter.pdf

It is probably too much at the moment ....but could you get family to help ????

www.keeperofthehome.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/8-weeks-to-declutter.pdf

ALSO

OP one thing you said in your post is v revealing .

YOU are feeling GUILTY for going out to work in the morning and are trying to compensate in the afternoons ..

All sounds like a recepie for exhaustion to me .

You need to explore the mood side of things ....could. You be depressed ????

Thanks for the link spiderbabymum, that looks very interesting, i will have a read properly tonight.
We definitely have too much clutter and not enough storage for it, and no space for any more storage! So I think I need to just keep on trying to declutter when I can.

When I go to some friends or family's homes they seem so neat & tidy, I just wonder where on earth is all their stuff when they have children?

I don't feel depressed, just overwhelmed by it all and too tired at the end of each day to tackle it. I suppose I don't feel guilty being at work as I love my job and think I am a better mum by working part time, but I just feel that while they are awake I should always be doing things with them and not doing housework.
Hopefully this weekend I can things sorted a bit better.

wishihadabs Ah well we are all different - whatever works!

OP I hope you have a good weekend. Try to rest a bit. Everything seems worse when you are exhausted. Don't compare yourself to other people!

I was out of town this weekend but just wanted to come back to this thread and say thanks for the nice comment Ilovetoclean and Jemster I'm glad if you find any of my tips useful. Is this week going a bit better for you?
Jemster I think you are making yourself feel guilty over nothing. You sound like a really lovely mum who's trying to do it all. There's nothing wrong with working. Happy mum, happy kids, happy family! I think you need to cut yourself some slack. There's nothing wrong with having days where you let the kids play around you while you clean and sort, and having a quick simple tea. Then on another day you can forget about cleaning and go and do something fun with the kids.
Can you come up with some creative solutions for storage? I just bought some containers that'll go under the kid's beds. I had my husband put up a shelf over the door in our office/laundry room. I'm finally going to get rid of my DsS' bathtoys this Summer, but I currently keep them in a mesh basket in the bathtub. Keeping all his toys that aren't in the toy cupboard in a lidded wicker basket keeps them out of sight. Our home doesn't have clutter or kids stuff everywhere, but it's not because we do things so well but because we have tried doing things differently.
Good luck and please keep us updated!

Thanks honeystepmummy. I'm still exhausted at the end of each day and finding it hard to do much in the evening's but I have tried to get up earlier as one poster suggested and try and get some stuff done then. I actually find I can get a few things done at that time as my dh will sort the dc out with breakfast while I get ready for work and try and do a quick tidy up/put wash on.

The bit I'm really struggling with is after school. I find it really hard to make the dc a decent tea that takes some time to prepare as dd just follows me and wants me to play with her or pick her up. Our kitchen is small and I don't feel it's safe having her in there while I'm trying to cook. If I stick her in the highchair she screams her head off!!
Also because she is fairly demanding and I'm trying to rustle up tea, I feel like I'm neglecting poor ds, 5 who ends up in front of the tv. He doesn't mind but I know I should be practicing his reading and writing with him but we're just not getting to it and I feel bad about that.

I would really appreciate hearing how other mum's with same age dc manage the after school bit? How do you look after everyone's needs and serve up a healthy meal with a 14 month old ankle biter following you around?!! Also any tips on meal planning/when best time is to food shop?