Struggling with work, running the home and feeling rubbish! Any advice please?

[Jemster]

Hi
I'm really struggling with things at the moment and can't seem to get myself sorted. My days go like this:

Awake from 5-6am with one year old. Feel tired even after a night's sleep! Start work at 8.30, husband takes five yr old to school and dd to childminder.

Finish work at 1.30, pick up dd at 2.00pm. Back hone for half an hour before school pick up at 3.00pm. I try and spend the afternoon playing or doing something with dc as feel guilty otherwise being at work in morning.
Cobble together their tea at 5.00pm, then dh gets home and does bath & bed at 6.00pm while I make our tea.

After tea do a bit of tidying but usually exhausted and find it hard to do much. I have a chronic condition which tires me out.

I am just not getting to the housework, ironing, tidying and my house is a mess. Every morning is a stress as no one can find anything. I am getting more and more behind with everything and its getting me down.

Does anyone have anyone have any suggestions to help me sort my life out! The chaos is making me feel stressed out! Thanks

Great tips honeystepmummy...thanks for those.
I just want to reassure you that I am a sahm and feel exactly the same. 3 and 1 year old here and I am shattered and overwhelmed by growing piles.
But feeling bad does not help anyone so cut the guilt. Accept it is ok for it to be a mess and get systems in place.
We have too much stuff. The only people who have orderly houses I know get rid of stuff constantly. I need to learn from them.
Today I am playing a game of push myself an extra half hour outside my normal habits. So for us the evenings after kids are in bed we collapse. Nothing gets done on an evening. But tonight instead of collapsing straight away I will do 30 mins extra tidying up and see what I can achieve.
Does that sound do able? When I bathe the kids I have kitchen roll and spray disinfectant ready and I wipe over all bathroom surfaces. Makes bathroom pretty clean quickly.
Try to find little bits when you can achieve something positive but overall accept it will probably be a bit messy at this phase of life and it is ok.
I feel your pain!!

Jester. I also ave a15 month round my ankles. Hohhot you get so irritated right even though they are just doing what toddlers do.
Batch cook, or put a slow cooker meal on when you leave in the morning.
Let the 5 year old play on their own whilst you high chair baby with something even for ten minutes and cook two night if dinners.
It will get easier......15 month babies are pretty draining. That might be the sole source of your backlog right now!!

I feel for you...this sounds exhausting and totally debilitating.
This might not be the kind of advice you're after but I really think you are asking too much of yourself. Rather than trying to find ways to cope with your current lifestyle maybe look at how you could radically change things. I struggled for ages being a single working Mum until I took a long hard look at where the money was going. I got a bit clever on a few minor things - internet, insurance, tv subscriptions etc and found it actually added up to half a day in the office every two weeks - it wasn't much but just knowing that for a few hours every other week I could catch up with myself made everything else easier. Don't ditch the ironing, having your children look well presented is a big relief but they almost certainly don't need a bath every night and don't beat yourself up if you decide that 45 minutes every other day in front of a little educational telly will be bad for them - it won't! Alternate the down time you do have between housework and You time. It won't necessarily make your house ready for the cover of Ideal Home but it will make you a lot happier and able to cope with the day to day. Good luck doll x

I have a 1 year old and 5 year old too, after school is tricky isn't it?! Here are some things that work for me: rather than tv, a subscription to reading eggs / maths seeds - they can do it by themselves on a laptop or pc at kitchen table it's fun games that reinforce reading maths skills so you can not feel guilty about practice. Highchair in the kitchen for 1yo, but with small snacks. Can give sticks of veges, cheese, dry cereal etc. it helps stave off hunger and keeps occupied rather than just being in the chair. Or tape paper to tray and give crayons, or pots & wooden spoon to 'help' cook. Or if the high hair really won't work what about a playpen with a box of Tupperware. Good luck - and know you're not alone in riding it hard!

Glad this week is going better for you OP! Even though I don't have tiny kids anymore I understand how you feel about trying to get dinner ready etc. Again I think you are being too hard on yourself. It's not realistic to think you can cook a complicated meal, entertain a baby and help DS to read.
You don't have to do the same thing every afternoon. For example, Monday could be a day where dinner is just heated up and you always spend time helping DS with reading. Tuesday could be another simple dinner already made but you take the kids to the park. And so on.
I don't think you would like batch cooking that much since it sounds like you really want to enjoy as much time with your family at the weekends. You don't need to meal plan for 7 days a week, aim to plan for 4 healthy teas and one quick and simple tea.
We have a rice cooker and it's great because I can put it on the counter and put the dry rice in it in the morning. Before dinner I just add water and turn it on, it's turns off itself when the rice is cooked. You could also fill up the dish part of a slow cooker before work with a casserole, meat & veg, whatever you like! and pop it in the fridge. Take it out when you get home with DD and plug it in. Dinner will be ready by the time you want to eat. Also you could put some chicken breasts and chopped veg (or baby carrots) into a covered oven dish in the morning, pop it in the fridge and cook it in the oven when you get home with both kids. I'll often make split pea or carrot and orange soup at the weekend, then heat it up and serve with hot rolls or garlic bread during the week. And there's no shame in using tinned or frozen veggies! Potato gnocchi cooks in just a few minutes, and is delicious with a little pesto. Easy!
As for grocery shopping have you tried doing it online? I usually go to Aldi's every other week and do a big shop. We'll then just stock up on fresh fruit, veg, juice, milk and bread if needed. I freeze a ton of stuff, including cartons of juice. I also make and freeze peanut butter sandwichs for those days when there's no time to make lunches/snacks/ quick bite. If you have a crazy afternoon or just want to watch a film with the kids and relax etc don't beat yourself up if you serve the kids sandwichs and baby carrots/fruit slices on paper plates. They'll enjoy it and it'll make life easier for you. You can always serve up something more grown up to DH like a frozen curry, chicken caeser salad (quick and easy) or the above mentioned gnocchi later in the evening.
I always tell myself not every day is equal and not every day has to be perfect. And there's no shame in taking shortcuts

OP.I recognise that feeling
There's some really good advice on this thread. This is something I do which might help:
I work 3 days a week so I have one day a week which I make housework day and one day a week which is DS day. It helps me to get on top of the house without feeling guilty as I know I'll have quality time with DS later on.
If we're not going anywhere at the weekend me and DH run a similar system at the weekend, one day to batter into things we've not got done during the week and one day for fun.

no child ever had therapy in later life and said 'but my mother didn't iron my clothes'.

Specialsubject you are so right and to be honest I never have ironed them! But I suppose it's a pride thing, I want them to look smart and well cared for. Also as I see other kids in ironed clothes I feel I should be doing it too, it just adds to the pressure of having everything perfect! Thing is dd gets through so many clothes at her age I would be constantly ironing and it's something I find physically hard as my hands are weak and can be painful.

I still don't know how some mums do everything so very well. My friend is always immaculate and her kids. She always has everything well organised and a lovely home and she works part time. I feel like a shabby mess and a failure compared to her! I just want to be a good wife and mum but never feel that I'm doing anything well.

Honey could I have the recipes for your split pea or carrot and orange soup? You sound like such a good mum! How long can you keep the soup in the fridge before it has to be used up? I don't have a big freezer so I can batch cook and freeze

Ahem. Can't batch cook and freeze.

Jemster, you've had some good tips on this thread but I want to address your health instead of the many chores you have to get done.

It sounds like, in common with many people with chronic conditions, you need to pay close attention to pacing yourself - keeping active is good but you sound like you're doing too much and long term this could be counter-productive.

You need a half day just relaxing without the children more than you need a half day spent blitzing the house, frankly. I hope you can negotiate this with your DH - how is the leisure time currently split?

Further, is there any way he can do some of the early starts? His day isn't so long as to make this impossible and the dawn waking is very debilitating.

The important thing is to reduce your stress. Early morning not being able to find things is an important one to tackle because stress is bad. Stuff doesn't have to be put away as long as you know where it is - I am quite happy to leave uniform on the drier because then it's there in the morning when I need it.

In short, be pragmatic. Pretending your condition doesn't exist is not the same as managing it. Maybe you can't do everything a supermum (whatever that is) does, but you are the best mum for your family.

I think feeling frantic as a working Mum is common. Even women who look perfect are probably paddling furiously below the surface.

Agree with the advice about looking after yourself. Feeling depressed or anxious if you have a chronic health condition isn't unusual, you have a lot to deal with.

I work 30 hours a week and have a 2.5 yr old. Things that help me to be more organised are to leave keys etc in the same place, have everyone's clothes out the night before, and do not feel guilty about a little bit of TV time.

With meals, do your DD and DS have a cooked meal at lunch time? If yes, then just do simple suppers. Nothing wrong with an egg on night, fresh pasta and sauce another and fish fingers another night. Frozen peas are also your friend.

Thank you tribot, you are right that I need to pace myself. I actually had my 6 month consultant's appointment yesterday and although he said I'm doing well as my condition is under control, he said I need to try and increase my fitness levels so that I am fit enough to look after the family.
So he made me think that I really need to try and find some time for me to exercise and get fitter. Not sure when I'm going to fit that in but I need to try.
DH is very good in mornings, we both wake up with dd's early starts so we help each other.
Stress is definitely bad for my condition as it can make it flare up. That's why I've reached a point where I came on here to ask for help as I felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
I realise I need to calm down a bit and not expect everything to be perfect as it never will be.

Hi Jemster
I've been watching this thread with interest, as you sounded a lot like me a couple of years ago. I have 2 DS - 7 and 5 now, but I found I just had to accept I wasn't supermum and as long as I had important things done like washing and dishes, and we were all still healthy at the end of the day, then we would all survive another day.

Now that they are both at school the days are a lot easier, and I won't say its perfect even yet, but its a lot better.

I wanted to give you some help on meals. I had got a lot of cook in the oven 1 pan meals off mumsnet, which really help, as you bung them in the oven and it gives you an hour free to concentrate on other things.
All the recipes feed 4 and are really tasty and are cooked at 200 oC)

Chicken roast - 1tbsp olive oil, 8 chicken thighs or drumsticks, 300g carrots, cut into rough chunks, 2 parsnips, (the same), 750g potatoes, cut into wedges, 1tbsp of honey, and 2tbsp of Worcestershire sauce. Bung it all into 1 large roasting tray and cook for about 50 mins.

One pan pork chops: 4 chops, 1/2tsp oil, 400g of new potatoes halved, 2 apples (cut into 8 wedges each), 150ml of veg. stock.
Brown chops in separate pan, put potatoes into large roasting tray, roast for 20mins, then add chops and apples and stock, and cook for 20 more mins. Serve with peas.

Sausage Tray bake - Put sausages, sliced red onion, sliced peppers, 1 bag of baby potatoes, tsp of mixed herbs and 1 tbsp of olive oil in large roasting tray for 1/2 hour. Throw in baby tomatoes, drizzle of balsamic vinegar, cook for another 10 mins and serve with garlic bread.

Hope this makes sense and helps a bit - will try and think of some more - and feel free to add any veg that suits you all

Jemster, just read this thread and hope things are getting easier for you. I know that a cleaner isn't an option (I haven't got one either) but do you know any sensible teenagers who are looking for pocket money in the summer hols? When my dcs were little I paid the girl across the road a small amount to take them to the park or just play with them at home while I did a few jobs or just 'disappeared' for an hour upstairs to regain sanity. Also, really want to add that we tried eating as a family many times when the dcs were little and I found it just compounded the stress of the day. (My ds was a terrible eater tho and meals were horrific). Definitely agree just cook one meal, but for us it worked better to wait and eat the same after they went to bed. Another thought, as you are up early and your DH does the drop off, could you alter your hours so you start earlier and then have a longer, more significant time at home before collecting from school.

I have worked the same shift as you before but starting earlier and have 2 children which at the time were 0 and 5. You just have to be organised and do the bulk of the work before work.

I have loved this post.. I feel the same as OP, and have a cluttered house and did not know where to start.
Thank you spider for the fantastic link, I'm going to print this and start 2morrow

Isleangel great recipes, I will try some of those out! In my case I will be using disposable foil pans to avoid dreaded scrubbing. And MinimalistMommi, I will pm the recipes to you when I have a chance.
OP when I'm given the choice of excercising, whether it's a quick work out, bike ride, swim or whatever or time to catch up on housework I will always choose exercising. This will give you more energy and help you destress.
Like other posters have said, forget about ironing. My husband sends his shirts out to the cleaners to get washed and pressed. It's very cheap, and I feel the money I save each month by doing my own nails and using a mooncup more that makes up for it! I have a few things that need to be ironed but I avoid wearing them when I'm tired and busy and stick to wash and wear dresses for work. DS has a couple of nice shirts that'll I'll iron if we are going out to eat or somewhere nice. Otherwise I just fold straight out of the tumbledryer.
I like the idea of finding a 'sensible teenager' to help out. Maybe they could help with some organizing too?
There's some really helpful advice on this thread, but I think you need to stop beating yourself up OP. Being a working mum is really really hard, especially when the kids are so small.

Hi again, thank you for the recent replies. Sorry for delay in replying, dh been away this week so haven't found the time to get on here.

Isleangel thanks so much for those recipes. They don't seem too daunting so I will def give them a go. You are right about having to accept things as they are more.

Winceywoo I like the idea of teenager help, I might ask around at work. Unfortunately I can't start work any earlier as the offices open at 8.30am.

Honeystepmummy, my friend was also telling me earlier how just by going swimming for 20 minutes she has so much more energy. I really must make time for exercise as it's important I am as strong as I can be. Also really like the idea of just having it as some me time where I can escape the madhouse a bit!

I told my sister how I was feeling this week. She suggested I don't try and do everything during the week but instead do some housework every Saturday morning, so I am going to try that this weekend.

I am absolutely shattered today and I can feel my joints beginning to flare up so I am going to listen to my body and have a nice early night in bed with tele and mn! I have overdone things this week as dh has been away but thankfully that doesn't happen often.

Thank you Honey