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Original poster

dh is getting really stressed with this

51 replies

hiddenhome · 09/08/2012 22:47

We're sheduled to move out in about two weeks and dh has tons of his stuff to go through. He brought a lot of it from his parents after his mum moved out into her flat.

He comes from a family of hoarders and I did warn him about it being a problem, but he ignored me and just said it was part of who he was and that was that. We lost a lot of stuff in the flood, but upstairs is still chockablock with crap Hmm Every single room has stuff in it.

I don't have a problem with decluttering, but dh just doesn't seem to be able to do it.

Anyone else have this problem, or have a partner who's like this? What can I do to encourage him to get rid? Of course, he wants to keep a lot of his stuff, but random crap should surely be easy to get rid of? Confused

OP posts:
UKSky · 09/08/2012 23:02

If he really doesn't want to get rid, and you can afford it, tell him to rent a storage unit and he can chuck it all in there.

My DP is like this and our loft is full and there is stuff in our business warehouse. However, I have started to clear it all out.

Part of his problem is the quantity, as he gets overwhelmed. I have got over this by just putting up to a dozen things together and ask if he's got 10 minutes to go through them. If he wants to keep stuff then you're both going to have to work out what to do with it.

But you may be surprised, as I was, that when presented in small quantities, it might be easier to get him to decide.

If he says he wants to keep something, that has no use and will never be used/on show then I ask what we will do with it/where will we put it and that makes him think about whether it should really be kept.

If you can do this at least once a day, you should see the mess decreasing quite quickly.

If he does decide to ditch stuff, ask him how does he think it's best to get rid of it - ebay/charity shop/car boot/tip/offload to a mate or family member.

This is the only way that works for me. I have given up just asking him to have a clear out because it doesn't work.

Good luck

Original poster
hiddenhome · 09/08/2012 23:07

Okay, thanks, that all sounds sensible. I think he's becoming overwhelmed because it's beginning to dawn on him that he has been hoarding all these years and he's now being faced with it. I feel sorry for him, but it is stressful living with all this seemingly useless stuff.

I'll try to tackle it with him in smaller bite sized pieces.

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hambalala · 10/08/2012 11:37

My husband is exactly the same way! He keeps everything! I mean he has concert and football tickets going back a decade! Thousands of CDs he never listens to. Very frustrating. I love that he's sentimental, but we're also about to move house, and I don't' think we should transfer all our clutter from our basement to our new loft. Soooo, as I did last time we moved, some of his stuff is going to, um, get lost...in the move. He didn't notice it last time, and I'm sure he won't this time! Then I'm going to just keep working at him over the other stuff. Mean I know....

AdoraBell · 10/08/2012 14:13

OP, people who hoard (speaking from personal experience here) do it out of some sense of insecurity. That's why we they struggle with decluttering, and also why he brought stuff from his parents house to your's. For some reason probably he doesn't even understand he can't bear the thought of loosing it.

What form does the random crap take? If it's something that you think he will not miss then I'd say just get rid of it. And I know, it's his stuff not your's etc, but both of you are living in the house with all his stuff and both of you are moving in two weeks.

Other things, maybe you could tackle it together. If he is willing don't expect him to get stuck and start sorting and throwing in the way you might. It might well be stressful for him, so try to make it light hearted. Help him by having 3 boxes 1 to keep, 1 to donate, 1 to bin. Once a box is full take it out, put rubbish straight into bin/recycling and donations in the car( your's if you have two). Then the box to keep needs to be dealt with. Find a home for the keepers, don't allow him to simply suffle it between boxes. Frequent cups of tea might help too, so he doesn't feel that he could disappear under the piles of stuff and not be missedWink

If it's any comfort you're not alone in your struggle, we are looking at downsizing. Currently have a huge house abroad which is way too big for the 4 people living in it. OH looks around, thinks about all his stuff stashed in the garage and says "we'll need a 5 bed house to fit all this in when we move back to England"

Good luck with our move

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/08/2012 14:22

I am a mild to moderate hoarder but recently have really began to take myself to task.

We recently moved and I halved my "hoard". The other half is in the garage. My mantra is that if I can live without the stuff for 3months then I dont bloody need it.

Tackling it bit by bit is key. I really feel for your DH though. To most people its only old junk but to a hoarder its all essential stuff.

When my grandad gave my mum some land to build a house it had some old farm buildings on it. She found inside one of these buildings around 300 2litre milk cartons tied together with rope. Hmm

I think it runs in the family...

Original poster
hiddenhome · 10/08/2012 22:36

Thanks for all this insight everyone Smile

Some of the stuff is useful and he does dig out and use (electronic stuff), some is really old stuff like games, books, bits and bobs from his parents' house. He does seem to have kept some things from his childhood and is constantly going on about the past when he was young Hmm He's in his early 50s now though. He does kind of try to relive the past a lot.

He's done some stuff today and I'll help him next week. I explained this morning that I can cope with living in a warehouse and he has to be able to limit his hoard collection.

The thing that gets me the most is that I call our bedroom 'his room'. I see it as his room rather than our room because there's nothing in it that's mine, not even a wardrobe. I just go to bed on my side with a few books and a couple of pictures and that's it. I do feel a bit resentful. ds2's bedroom is also used as storage and the attic conversion (ds1's bedroom) also has a lot of stored stuff. There's no place that's free from it and it's stressful.

I also can't clean properly as I'm just vacuuming around stuff all the time and it's hard to dust. There's no incentive for me to clean up as I can't see anything for my labours, just endless boxes stacked up Confused I fail to see how my stress is less important than his stress at needing to have all this Hmm I own half the house, yet take up less than 10% of the space Sad

I also used to clear the dining table and put a tablecloth on and some flowers and make it all nice, but he'd still let ds2 do his homework on it, despite having a desk in the same room. I asked him not to clutter the table up, but he still would.

He says his grandfather and his father were like this and he's the same. I've tried explaining that he's a seperate person and that he can choose what to do with his life, but he's sort of proud that he has this running in his family Hmm

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Original poster
hiddenhome · 10/08/2012 22:37

can't cope sorry Blush

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AdoraBell · 11/08/2012 03:43

I would also struggle with boxes of things stacked up in bedrooms, especially the DC's. Could that be part of why he thinks it's normal, because his room was used for storage? Anyway, the excuse - and it is an excuse- that it runs in the family, that he is somehow continuing a family tradition is of course a load of rubbish. Without going into details my parents had distructive habits and I have steadfastly refused to repeat their behaviour. That was only possible though because I saw it for what it was and didn't believe it to be normal. That seems to be where your problem lies, your OH's assertion that it's normal behaviour.

Could you simply put your foot down re DC's rooms. As for your room, will there be a spare room when you've moved? I would immediately claim that and through out anything he dared to put in there. Or refuse to allow any storage in the main bedroom in addition to the DC's. You all need to have a relaxing room to sleep in and extreme clutter makes it impossible, as you know. Is there anyone else who could talk to him, a friend or a right minded relative?

Good luck

cherrypieplum · 11/08/2012 04:46

OP you have my complete and utter sympathy! It must be so hard to live with.
My grandmother used to squirrel stuff away and have bizarre habits (layering kitchen roll between mats to soak to spills rather than clean!). I put it down to laziness. My sister is the same but worse. She keeps no end of crap and won't get rid. She'll sort one tiny bag for charity then come back with more stuff the she left with. Her house us atrocious and she is beginning to hoard animals too which I'm despairing of.

We had a turbulent upbringing which culminated in being thrown our. I had to move several times in quick succession which made me less sentimental about 'things'. Don't get me wrong I have the odd shoebox of photos and letters but sometimes the thought of a cupboard that has been unsorted for a few weeks makes my heart race. I'm ruthless! At the back of my mind I'm always think, ' what if I have to move again?'. What should I take?'.

I've worked and shared a resource cupboard with a hoarder too. Makes me grey!!

Can your partner see its an issue, especially with a live coming up.

cherrypieplum · 11/08/2012 04:48

That's move not live amongst many typos!!

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 09:52

I grew up in care, so never had any possessions really and have also had to move quickly out of a place and left a lot of my stuff there too, so I tend not to get attached to things either.

We're moving into a two bedroomed flat until the house is renovated after the flood, then moving back, so no chance of a spare room. We don't have a garage either. dh has three sheds that he stores outside stuff in.

I'm really going to crack on this coming week and get him to sort stuff out. I think it's too much for him by himself, but with me helping it might encourage him to do it.

It's the cardboard vegetable boxes that really tip me over the edge though, they're so horrible! Angry Confused

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PigletJohn · 11/08/2012 10:50

the storage unit might help. It means that things are out of sight, and out of the house, and opens up the possibility that he might find he can do without it. There will be a cost, but it could be worth it.

I always think those translucent plastic crates are good for putting "stuff" in. They allows you to see what's inside, you can stick a label inside the end, the keep the stuff clean, and they easily stack, and can be lifted down reasonably easily.

I have an idea that the insecurity and sense of loss might cause hoarding, it seems to crop up with keeping stuff after losing a loved one, or possibly from your past.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 11:10

Yes, we bought some plastic boxes from Ikea a few days ago. I selected some for my stuff and he cottoned on it might be a good idea, so got some too.

Some of our stuff will need to go into storage whilst the renovation's going on. I want the rubbishy stuff to go into the skip/recycle though as there's no point in storing rubbish. I really want him to see that a simpler, tidier lifestyle in the flat can be a good thing for all of us Smile

OP posts:
amillionyears · 11/08/2012 11:20

There are physological reasons sometimes for hoarding.I would google them.Also there have been threads on here in the past,which you might find useful.Trouble is, in your case,you only have 2 weeks.
Could you rope in some friends and relatives to help?It sounds like a bit of a mammoth task.

PigletJohn · 11/08/2012 11:43

it will I think be easier to get him to store his life than to throw it in the skip.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 11:47

Yes, I don't mind him storing some things, but others are just literally rubbish and can be chucked/recycled. Some of the things are just totally random and even he admits he doesn't particularly want them.

He also goes through phases of starting a new hobby, stocking up on loads of stuff to do with that hobby, then going off it, but keeping the stuff Hmm He spent over £600 on Japanese kendo armour and has only used it twice Sad Some of the stuff is just leftovers from fads.

There are no relatives/friends to help, it's just us I'm afraid.

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Katisha · 11/08/2012 11:52

DH feels better about letting stuff going it can be free cycled or recycled. Hates the thought of anything going to landfill. It's hard though with all the electronic crap as nowhere seems to want that.

amillionyears · 11/08/2012 12:02

google "hoarding rubbish".

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 22:37

I 'killed' one of the fruit boxes this morning Grin I waited until he went to the shops, then took it outside and stamped on it until it fell to bits. I then put it into the blue wheelie bin Grin He hasn't noticed it's gone Smile I've asked him to buy more plastic storage boxes from Ikea. At least they look relatively civilised.

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WitchOfEndor · 11/08/2012 22:41

It might be harsh, but you might have to declutter some things for him, if it really is trash and not meaningful momentos. He will probably never know that it's gone.

PigletJohn · 11/08/2012 22:44

Is it OK if he chucks out some of your surplus shoes?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 23:23

I don't have any surplus shoes Confused I don't chuck his stuff out, it was only a cardboard box that I got rid of Hmm

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Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 23:24

I actually only have two pairs of shoes, a pair of sandals and a pair of crocs. He has about 15 pairs of shoes/boots.

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Homebird8 · 11/08/2012 23:25

Moving to NZ and a DH still working (silly hours) up to the move date I had to go through his stuff. I selected stuff to go, stuff to sell, stuff to give away, and stuff to take with us and then asked him to check the boxes for me when he came home (at 10pm). One or two items moved category but it made it a quick scan over job rather than an agonising one for him. Some things (like the 7 pairs of speakers I found in our bedroom) I asked him to choose between so we only shipped things he was really planning to do something with. Perhaps this approach might work for your DH? The sorting gets done and he remains in control of choices for his own possessions.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 11/08/2012 23:30

Oh, he wouldn't like me going through his stuff like that Sad If I ever chucked any of my stuff out (stuff that I'd paid for with my own money), he go through the bags to see what there was Hmm I used to sneak to the recycle centre with my car full when he was at work. We got a skip once for the old shed and I spent my time burying stuff at the bottom of it just so he wouldn't see Hmm

He honestly can't stand seeing something 'useful' going out, even if it's old and unwanted and taking up valuable room in our small house. By useful, I mean bits of string, old receipts, magazines and such like.

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