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Original poster

dh is getting really stressed with this

51 replies

hiddenhome · 09/08/2012 22:47

We're sheduled to move out in about two weeks and dh has tons of his stuff to go through. He brought a lot of it from his parents after his mum moved out into her flat.

He comes from a family of hoarders and I did warn him about it being a problem, but he ignored me and just said it was part of who he was and that was that. We lost a lot of stuff in the flood, but upstairs is still chockablock with crap Hmm Every single room has stuff in it.

I don't have a problem with decluttering, but dh just doesn't seem to be able to do it.

Anyone else have this problem, or have a partner who's like this? What can I do to encourage him to get rid? Of course, he wants to keep a lot of his stuff, but random crap should surely be easy to get rid of? Confused

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 11/08/2012 23:36

that was more a question for the Witch.

Homebird8 · 11/08/2012 23:42

Sounds like my mum Hidden Wink when she died the stuff we found!

Plastic bag of corks from every bottle of wine she's ever had...
Wire from florist's bouquets all straightened out and bundled together...
Blutac, bought in the 1970's, and rigid with age...
Icecream and margarine tubs, and yoghurt pots, with and without lids (or lids with and without tubs) from the last 40 odd years...
A box with pieces of string in it marked 'string too short for anything'...
And the piece de resistance, fruit tea bags, minus the boxes, marked on in biro with the flavour, except for the two unidentifiable ones marked 'don't know'!

Good luck with DH. It doesn't sound like it's actually about stuff to be honest. More about his head. Just love him. Seems to work for me!

PigletJohn · 12/08/2012 10:44

I did hear of a couple who put a stack of boxes in the garage, marked
stuff for our kids to throw away after we die

buggyRunner · 12/08/2012 10:55

Hi my dp is OCD and struggles to get rid of the things which were in his mums house (our house) when she died- years ago.

We decluttered each room a few years ago but kept a lot in the loft / garage

We did this by getting rid of the storage!

Anyway 50% of it went and fast forward 4yrs and 2dc- we sold our house and had to go into rented!!!

Now I got his brother to help him do certain rooms but left a lot to him - which was done on the day (as only he can pack his crap etc etc)

V stressful and still going through some of it- but it really helped getting his brother to help/ kids involved and moving somewhere with no storage (barn conversion)

But my do is OCD cleanliness and tidiness so my trick wad to get him to go through a bit a day by just starting doing it myself and he would take over! Grin

I love him so much- but hated all of his crap!!

Homebird8 · 12/08/2012 10:58

PigletJohn that is so funny. Must phone DF to get him to check the garage!

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 11:15

Oh, I don't want the poor kids to have loads of stuff to go through when we snuff it Confused It was bad enough him having to clear his mum's house out when she moved. I think they filled about three large skips and it was still full, so they had to get the house clearance people to finish off.

I think there should be more awareness of this problem. The programmes on television tend to go in for the more extreme hoarders - people who keep their own wee in bottles and have piles of newspaper 10 metres high etc. I do think that there must be a lot of people who are inbetween though and who are just filling their family homes up with stuff. It does cause stress for the whole family (the kids trip up over stuff and don't have enough room to play properly etc.) and it's especially difficult for the non hoarder - their stress seems to go unrecognised whilst the hoarder's feelings seem to take precedence. I'm the one who does most of the housework and childcare, so my daily life is important too I would have thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 11:19

Hang on, he's going into the shed to get some paperwork ready for a bonfire. We have to go out for a burnfest picnic apparently Smile

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/08/2012 15:57

The thought did strike me of what would happen if you bundled up some stuff that is definitely what you would call rubbish.Bundle it away out of sight for 2 weeks.Then tell him you have done it.
Would he let you throw it away then?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:04

No, most of the stuff he has he only sees about once a year, but he still knows it's there Sad I might happen to mention something and he'll say "hang on", then reappear with something or other to show me or whatever. Some of it is useful.

We did all troop off this afternoon and had a big bonfire and he got rid of a lot of paperwork Smile Sadly, I couldn't persuade him to destroy another fruit box - he says they're useful - I say they're ugly and make me cross Hmm

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 12/08/2012 22:09

i'm a would be hoarder - if it wasn't for DP persuading me to throw stuff out I' be surrounded by boxes of stuff. Don't throw things out "for him" - much too traumatic! I've gotten better over the years. This week we've redecorated our living room and completely decluttered it - it looks fabulous. ANd we even cleared out the big cupboard under the stairs and have 6 bags of shoes to take to the tip. Weight off my shoulders

amillionyears · 12/08/2012 22:09

how many fruit boxes are there?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:38

About 10 and also other cardboard boxey stuff. I'm fixated on getting rid of them because they're so ugly and in our bedroom Sad It doesn't feel like a bedroom, more like a storage facility. He loves cardboard boxes and will quickly grab the shoeboxes off me when I buy the dc's shoes Hmm I crush them up and put them in the recycle if I can, but he moans about them being 'useful' and how can I do such a thing?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/08/2012 22:46

I was going to suggest you cover them if that was at all helpful,if there werent too many of them.
But 10 in your bedroom Shock

This is not fair or nice for you
He has a problem doesnt he.

At some point you could go to your GP,and tell him/her,and see what they say.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:49

Photos on my profile. Just a tiny taste of it though.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 12/08/2012 22:54

I'm increasingly coming to the view that's it's got an emotional, or possibly psychological, cause. I wonder what can be done to help the person?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 23:03

Counselling probably, but most people don't have the inclination for that. dh would never admit he had a problem or that it needed any treatment.

I wonder how many people out there are living with this problem.

OP posts:
colette · 12/08/2012 23:04

HH sounds like my dh , mil is even worse. ... we slept in one bedroom of our 2 bed flat for years ( with dd) because the other was full of 'useful' items.

When pregnant with ds I nearly threw everything out of the window and it seemed to bring everythingto a head . Now years later he has taken over the attic. Ask him to agree to having one room that is 'yours' as well as his and not cluttered. He can make small changes . Good luck, know what you mean about getting rid cardboard boxes

colette · 12/08/2012 23:05

PJ agree it has an emotional, or possibly psychological, cause

Original poster
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 23:08

It's a wonder they don't see the ugliness in never ending piles of stuff and how do they manage not to get cross with it, or trip over it?

I'm off to Ikea again this week for more plastic boxes. I've told him to buy more for his stuff as the cardboard love in has to end.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 12/08/2012 23:11

I wonder if boxing it up and putting it in self storage would work? It will certainly be out of sight, and possibly out of mind. Maybe it would make it easier to "let go" but maybe it would just create more empty space to fill up Confused

What strategies have people tried?

ChitchatAtHome · 18/08/2012 17:19

Op, perhaps he might be willing to sell some of his things? If he has 'useful' things, they might also be useful to someone else. Certain magazines are collector items, etc. Especially from all the hobbies he started but didn't continue. He might find it easier if things go to people that will value them.

wellwisher · 18/08/2012 19:26

Can't you wait for him to go out and then take a car load to the tip? Or run our with a pile of old magazines at the last minute when the recycling truck goes by so he can't get them back?

Just throw the boxes away! Or put them in the car to "use for supermarket shopping" - and then leave them there.

Bossybritches22 · 18/08/2012 19:38

What would he say if you just did it? Cleared out some of the tat & kept the real things. ?

Maybe you just need to put your foot down, in a firm but gentle fashion.

wellwisher · 18/08/2012 19:45

Take the boxes to IKEA and leave them on the bagging/packing tables by the tills...

amillionyears · 18/08/2012 19:54

Ive often wondered that Bossybritches22.Dont know if anyone has actually donr that.Trouble is,they would just refill again I would imagine.Perhaps not.
Id also imagine that the person who had hoarded,might have a mental breakdown or throw the wife out or whatever.Again,dont know.