"But I NEED it!" - support thread for those struggling with Hoarding

[fuzzpig]

I have seen lots of threads on MN for partners of hoarders, but (apologies if I am just unobservant) haven't noticed any for those struggling with their own hoarding tendencies (as opposed to general clutter/messiness, which I'm sure you'll agree is very different from hoarding).

No judging, no "Just throw it away!", just support, understanding and chat about our difficulties - whether or not you are ready/willing to confront them. :)

Not a hoarder myself, but dh is. Really interested to see if people have any constructive suggestions. His particular obession is bits of bike - we have thousands of them and periodically, a use will be found for a particular bit. To ds, this vindicates everything. I would like him to see that he needs to find a better balance between keeping things which might be useful and hoarding.

I'm a dreadful hoarder. DH now records "Hoarders" on bio channel every morning at 8am, and it scares the bejeesus out of me motivates me to throw things away occasionally

Wow goosey that is a very specific hoarding issue! Does he keep them all over the house or did you manage to confine them to one room?

Hi rock, what do you hoard? My main issue is my DCs' stuff, I really struggle to throw any away at all even if there are broken or missing things.

I don't know if I'm a hoarder or not
I might be.

Hoarding I guess is a bit of a spectrum rather than a 'you are or you aren't' type thing. I know I'm not nearly as bad as I could be I may watch hoarding shows to make myself better but I do have tendencies and get a lot of anxiety about getting rid of even old and broken things. The anxiety is what makes me hoard things, as opposed to it just being "I can't be arsed to clear up" if that makes sense.

My parents hoard worse than me and I think it was that plus the fact I was barely allowed my own stuff that make me very anxious about possessions. I definitely want to explore that.

You're quite welcome here Trin :)

My hoarding was definitely insecurity. Unstable parents, one always saying "I'm leaving" so I grew up with the knowledge that at some point everything I needed, ie family, would be removed. I didn't even know I was doing it, that and emotional eating, until after a couple of years of therapy I had a lightbulb moment.

Now I can see what's behind the OH's hoarding and I'm teaching the DDs to recognise when they don't need to keep something.

Our house isn't too bad, on the surface, but when OH mentioned all the fecking millions of ornaments that are packed away and said he wants to get them out I felt like running away.

I am terrible at clearing out my handbag, but that's a CBA issue rather than I need all those bits of paper

I was always really scared of fire, but what scared me was losing everything. I wanted a suitcase under my bed with my stuff in. At school I was scared because if we had a fire we would not be allowed our bags.

I have a really messed up attitude to stuff. Though I'm not materialistic, I don't care what other people think so I'm not into designer labels etc. I always thought things like holidays were a waste of money because you couldn't keep them :( in hindsight I recognise that was because I had no good experiences of childhood. I have an obsession with nostalgia, collecting things like toys and videos that I loved as a child, I love sharing them with my own DCs but mostly it's because those things are the only good things about my childhood and without them I have nothing.

I just hate getting rid of things, I'm a "just-in-case" hoarder I think!! Have kept all DS's toys, clothes etc despite no plans for another baby, have every card DH has ever given me, kitchen drawers are filled with spare screws, about 12 Allan keys, computer paper (we don't have a printer). Oh, and about 4 different sizes of clothes in case I gain weight / lose weight (I've always been the same size pre baby, just still trying to lose weight!).

I've tried to analyse myself but no idea why I'm like this!

It's weird isn't it, I think it's the worry about what would happen if I got rid of it but needed it later.

I also feel guilty about spending money on stuff that ends up not getting used, and that is why I keep the stuff, because I don't want to get rid of it without having used it. That is especially the case with DCs' toys. They have so much stuff but hardly get to play with any of it because the house is so cluttered and bits get lost. It's not their fault at all, I can't expect them to be tidy when I'm not :(

Fuzzpig - I know exactly what you mean about the guilt of spending money on stuff & then getting rid of it. We're decluttering to move house & I'm finding it very hard to get rid of things as I keep seeing a vast pile of wasted money in front of me. And it's not as if I have extravagant taste, more a cumulative effect.

In my case I think it comes from grandparents who lived through the Depression and a world war, and parents who were born into rationing then were my age during the strikes, shortages & power cuts of the 70s. Then I was a child during the recession of the 80s & remember the interest being sky high on the mortgage, threats of job losses and all the rest of it. I just wasn't brought up to spend unecessary cash or waste what you have.

I used to hoard and have got better over the years.

I've found selling unused stuff the best way of doing it and sometimes ensuring that the money raised is on a specific thing - so a reward if you like.

Mine was due to lack of loving supportive parents - meant my "things" meant a lot to me IYSWIM.

I'm sorry you had a crap childhood too. It often seems a common factor in hoarding. Objects are so much more reliable than people, if the people in your life constantly let you down. I also found that videos were my friends as I was just sat in front of the tv all the time at home.

I have an update.

Yesterday our neighbour 'complained' (nicely) to DH about our garden/windows as he's trying to sell his house. DH sorted the garden but neighbour is still complaining to the LL about the windows (they are actually in the process of getting quotes for replacing them anyway). DH is really worried the LLs are going to come for a surprise visit which I think is ridiculous but we ended up having a mad dash round last night and I actually threw away stuff. I had to do it though, I couldn't let DH do it because then I wouldn't know what he was throwing away!

I think some of it could have been sold on eBay but I made a rule (life is easier with rules) that anything that I could envisage only getting one bid of 99p for just gets chucked. I know it'd all add up but we agreed that it's not worth it because we need space NOW.

I found some toiletries and medicines that expired in 2010, that made it easier as I was only looking after my family's health by getting rid of it.

Somehow I need to carry on today but I don't know how to find the energy :(

Think I might have hoarding tendancies, my husband says i do too. I find it hard to throw things away because I don't know where to start, i feel like i still need everything and the day after i throw it out i'll be in desperare need of it. My house is messy all of the time. I blame it on lack of storage but i wouldn't need storage if i'd just throw things away. Maybe this thread will help me make some progress.

Good luck today fuzzpig, i know the feeling of a mad dash round to make the place presentable.

I think a good way is the chuck, charity, sell, use regularly system.

Giving stuff to charity that is worth less than a few £s, stuff to carboot or ebay and then stuff you actually need.

Start with aiming to clear one small area only so it's less overwhelming.

See usually we do give stuff to charity - before I started FT work I volunteered in a charity shop. Since I stopped though it's harder to get lots of stuff there (no car) and we just ended up with bags hanging around full of stuff. So when we're pushed for time it is just a case of "sod that". I console myself with the fact that most of the stuff wouldn't necessarily sell anyway (BHF is very strict on quality) and the fact that I've given them a lot of time (as well as donations) in the past.

Books, books and more books. I have "trouble" with getting rid of books. In the house we have 6 bookcases full of books and piles of books as well. If I read a book and like it I have to have all the books that person had ever written. Catherine Cookson was over a 100 Danielle Steele getting on for a 100. Geofrey Deaver, Michael Connelly, Peter Robinson, Rebecca Shaw, Nevile Shute..... I put them on shelves in written order, in groups of types. Nevile Shute was a particular problem as I wanted all 23 books, nearly got them all, then at a jumble found a box with 22 in, so now have doubles of a lot (and some triples). I have lots of old books, that I will never read, but think that no-one else will want so keep them. I got 37 Virgina Andrews books yesterday and already have a list of what other ones I need to finish the set.

Clothes are another problem. I am loosing weight slowly, so have clothes that are lots to big in the loft, clothes that fit now, and clothes that will fit at some point in the future. (bought from jumble sales and couldn't try on).

Paper work is another problem, I just file it in the tumble dryer and look in there when I need something.

Mum and dad are going through all the stuff in their loft/garage and now I have the stuff they have given me (that I don't really want), lots of photos of their holidays, people they know etc, but can't through them out

I actually have trouble physically putting stuff in the wheelie bin. I can put stuff (not usual rubbish) in a bag to go in the bin, but then leave in for weeks in the house and have to go through it again then do it.

Is there any hope for me ?

P.s. sorry for essay, but feel better now !!

If there's hope for me there's hope for you! I do feel like one day I will get better, I'm certainly improving already but it is a very slow process, and it's really hard (which is why I said in the OP - we are not here to just tell each other to throw the stuff out - it's not that simple!)

I don't find it difficult to throw stuff away from my parents luckily, possibly because I don't like them much :o they are getting divorced and are finally starting to clear out their house. It's really frustrating trying to persuade them to give stuff up but I try not to get involved as I can't make their decisions for them. However I have trained my mum to phone me and describe things of mine she finds, so that I can at least weed out the stuff I definitely don't want before they bring it to our house!

I remind myself that I'm not as bad as my parents. When we lived with them pre-DC, we once agreed to clear out the freezers/cupboards. We got shouted at for throwing away frostbitten unidentifiable meat and a box of goodness-knows-what from Italy which went out of date ten years previously. I refuse to eat there. :(

Biff I think you need a kindle!!

I hoard on my kindle :o (iphone apps too)

I 'm a slight hoarder. Once I have something I find it hard to throw away and I am guilty of buying duplicates -- for example today I purchased two deoderants although I have two on the go right now. Progress for me would be to wait until things are finished before I buy a new one.

Clothes are also a problem so I'm "shopping my closet" -- i.e. actually wearing what I have instead of buying new and using various techniques like turning hangers around until I use something to see if I actually wear the item.

Good luck to all. I would hoard books but I take them out from the library which has a maximum renewal of 6 times so I keep them for 4 months and then have to bring them back . I also find it difficult to throw books away so I try not to buy them.

Brightermornings, thats a horrible thing to say to me !!! I need 100's of books. I have just got everything out from under the stairs, magazines from 1997, leaflets that came through the door, magazines from the sunday papers, so I could probably tell you who was famous, what a tin of beans cost, and what was on telly. Apparently I also hoard carrier bags, and the biodegeradable ones are .... degrading ! I found a box of books and put them back. Ooo mirpuppet thats a good idea, shopping from my closet, think I will do that !

Inspired by fuzzy today I have..... Sorted some of my clothes out!!! Admittedly they are still in a binbag in my bedroom, but if they haven't been worn within a couple of weeks when DH gets sick of tripping over them as they are now on his side of the bed they will go to charity! I have no excuse really for not taking them, we live in a flat in a new estate, and there's a charity recycle bin next to our bin shed, I just want to make sure I'm not getting rid of anything I still wear!

I'm not a hoarder, but try to live by this saying.

To keep it, it has to be useful, beautiful or very sentimental.

I have to confess biff they don't appeal to me I love books but I get majority of mine from the library otherwise I too would be drowning in books

Anste that's a good motto but if you're a hoarder you think EVERYTHING is useful/sentimental even if it's broken or has bits missing or is in fact completely useless :o (or is it just me)