Advise wanted on decluttering/tidying etc

[hibernate]

Hi all you supermums out there,

I really need help.

I used to be a fanatical tidier when younger and wherever I lived was always tidy and well kept.

About 15 years ago we moved to a house that needed modernisation, but we made the mistake of spending every penny on purchasing it, thinking we could get along getting the decorating done as we went.

It turned out that the bad decor was actually hiding structural problems and in the first 2 years there we had to borrow more to get building work done. My husband worked full time and was away from home a lot, leaving me decorating alone for a couple more years, trying to get on top of the damp, cracks and leaking roof. I became pregnant and everything stopped, we had run out of money and although I was still on the roof at 3 months pregnant trying to fix a leak that was dripping water in the bedroom, after nearly getting stuck inside a chimney, due to expanding waistline, I had to stop DIY.
When our son was born I had terrible PND for 6 months and then we had to get the roof repaired. The builders told us 2 weeks and £7000 but it took 3 months and £21000. Again we had to borrow the money and I was stuck at home with the baby for 3 months with no back to the house, so I couldn't go out anywhere.
That was 9 years ago and the house is getting worse, our son turned out to be special needs and requires a lot of work.
I have totally run out of steam and although son is at school and I get 5 hours a day, nothing seems to get done, I am constantly tired and depressed, the roof still leaks and the damp is still there, the paint is peeling the dirt and mess have crept up, there is not a single surface/cupboard without clutter in or on and even though I bought 20 large plastic storage boxes and filled them with stuff to store in the garage, 2 weeks later more stuff has preplaced the crp I threw out.
It seems to go round and round, the rooms are getting smaller because the crp is piled arounf the edges and slowly encroaching on the centre of the rooms.
The place stinks and is a mess.
I am very disheartened and don't know where to start.
Please help

hibernate - you need to take control. It might be hard but once you feel in control again, you will be spurred on to do more.

Clear the crap. You may not be able to control the leaky roof or the expense but you can clear the crap.

You haven't specified exactly what the crap is, so I' going to assume it's a mixture of building crap and personal family crap.

Rules for crap:

If you haven't used it for 12 months or thought about it for 6 months then it is crap and needs to be tipped.

Sort it first - is any of the crap stuff that can be given to friends or charity - if so, start a pile. (See, you're already in control!)

Stuff in the crap pile - do you have a car? Start filling it and get to the tip. If no car - text a friend with car and offer exciting opportunity to share tea and cakes and have first look at charity stuff later after trip to the tip.

Stuff for charity - get help to get it to Oxfam or use the charity bags that come through the door and they pick it up.

Now you are on a roll. Don't stop - you are a new woman.

Poor you, what a tough situation. I sympathise with you having bought a house that needed a lot of work, then suddenly having much less time and money to spend on it than it needs. We did the same.

So why has more clutter arrived after just 2 weeks? What kind of clutter is it....junk mail/newspapers/more toys? If you can identify it, maybe you can come up with a system for ensuring it doesn't build up. For example, with post I now bin/shred/recycle everything I don't need to keep as soon as I have opened it. Anything I need to keep, such as bank statements, goes in a box under my bed that I organise every few months.

15 minutes decluttering (being ruthless!) every day will soon start to make a difference.

If I'm in a total heap with it all I make a list and prioritise.

You clutter is a major priority because lack of air flow will make your damp problem worse. Your damp problem will ruin your house and is bad for health.

Today I would make sure I had strong black bin bags and 5 days worth of ready meals. The focus for the next 5 days.

Go round each room with a bin bag and bin your rubbish. Have you go a garage? Then you can do a tip day.

Then I make one room the sorting room (no mansion here, our house is tiny). 1 corner for freecycle, 1 corner for gumtree/ebay 1 corner for bits freinds may want. As

The sorting room will be in a right state, but the rest of the house looks good fast and you feel better fast.

I am a bit harsh, I'm not keen on ready meals or too much TV, but in an emergancy I justify it, once the house was clear from my post move post birth clear out life was so much better the extra TV and ready meals were worth it as I had time to cook more and could find all stuff that I had been meaning to do with the DC's.

Freecycle is fantastic because people come and take your stuff away very quickly and it saves it going to the tip. Gumtree is good becaue it is free and quick.

A dehumidifier would help with the damp too. So would that damp removal stuff you can buy.

Then you need to stop the crap building up. Buy a wicker basket for mail, throw it in and deal with it in one go once a week.

Have a big laundry bin and keep you outdoor rubbish bin near to the back door so you can thow nappys and other big things in there so you kitchen bin doesn't fill up too fast.

Go go go!!! As oppsadaisy says...you will be a new woman!

Then focus for the next 5 days!!! Sorry, not focus on bin bags for 5 days!

Sorry everyone,
I was desperately trying to get the message across before school that it was generalised.

I used to be so in control, but when I had to use up a lot of my time on my son (he is autistic. I had to let things slip; you know, oh! the washing can wait, the dirty floor can be done tomorrow and tomorrow etc etc, then something more pressing comes and those things never get done.
The junk varies, it is just nothing ever gets put away once it's taken out. There is limited cupboard/storage space and when I try to put something back, there is something else in its place. The truth is there is too much stuff in the house and no where to put it.
We don't have ornaments or lamps etc as they would be smashed when my son is having a meltdown. There are an awful lot of toys and paperwork. I was self employed and had to shut down my office due to the recession and work from home instead, so all the stuff that was at my place of work had to come home, now it sits round in buckets.
My husband has one bedroom as his office, he works from home in his spare time.
Our house is so small, we only have a single wardrobe in the only double bedroom. there is a tiny boxroom and i have given up it being a bedroom and use it as the clean laundry room,there are hanging rails and the ironing board and a pile of ironing 4 feet high that i don't have time to do, the walls are bare, not even painted. I have no carpets downstairs at all.it is cold and dam. I spend at least an hour per day, fetching and carrying wood/coal for the fires. There is no gas, we are rural.
It is the sort of house where the wife would have just been a housewife, there are so many daily chores. We are not even on mains water, we have a well (I am not joking)
No one delivers charity bags here. I did starts making a pile for the charity shops but the nearest town is pedestrianised so i cannot drive up outside the shops. I would have to park in the carpark and walk a mile carrying it all. Needless to say the pile of stuff is still in the corner and growing but I will probably end up binning it as the logistics of getting it there is just another problem.
I wish I could fit more stuff under the beds, they are stuffed, I even have a double bed stored under my bed, mattress and all for when my elderly parents come to stay.
Like I say there is just too much stuff generally
I wish I had storage cupboard in my front room but there is actually no wall space, the firesplace takes up one wall, windows all along two others and the stairs on the other. I can't actually fit a cupboard anywhere. Believe me I have tried.
Now I live in the middle of piles of plastic stacker boxes.
I feel like one of those mad collector people on the TV,the ones the council has to clear out because of the rubbish stacked in piles.
I suppose I should be getting on with it rather that sitting here like a moaning minnie, but it is so depressing I can't face it. I spent yesterday morning cleaning all the wee , bogeys and toothpaste off the bathroom walls (oh the joys of autism)and I worked at the school all afternoon, when I got back, the oppressive nature of it all overwhelmed me.
It is hard for me at the mo. I am going through menopause, I have menieres disease,which makes me feel dizzy and sick, my mum is disabled and my dad has Alzheimers and Parkinsons. My husband works all hours and is too knackered to help and my son has Autism. So there is a lot going on. Really I am lucky to get 1/2 hour a day to actually do anything about the mess.
I tried to employ a cleaner, just a couple hours a week, but there where no takers to my ad because they couldn't get here unless they had a car, so not worth their while I guess. Maybe I need to pay more? I was advertising at £10 per hour, is that too cheap nowadays? Maybe I am out of touch with prices?

hibernate - clearly your problems are more than just the crap. You sound like you're having a really bad time and I'm sorry.

Where are your friends? If I had a friend in your position and you were unhappy I would be in there like a shot. Even the crappiest situations are surmountable if you have a friend.

Start by writing a list of the positives in your life and write them down. Keep them in mind and do not forget them. Repeat them like a mantra if you have to.

You will only manage the rest of it if you have some positives in your mind.

I am a bit cross with your friends to be honest. They should be helping you.

PS.
My oven broke in January this year. I still dont have one and christmas is coming. I tried to get one to fit the space (integrated) but they are all the wrong size. I have been feeding my family on soup and salad for nearly a year.
I feel something is going to snap soon. Now I have written it down, I have burst into tears, realisation has hit me.
I need help

I don't have any friends to turn to, my parents live too far away and are too frail to help. I have no other family.

My husband is estranged from his family I know a couple of mums from the school but they all work full time and have kids themselves. So are too busy,
Sometimes I just wanto to get in my car and drive away forever.

hibernate - call your gp and ask for an emergency appointment (or whatever the system is in your area.

This problem is so far beyond the crap. You have too much to cope with on your own.

Please post back so that we know you are ok.

That does sound like hard work. My DB has SEN and is on the autistic spectrum, no ornaments when we were growing up either :(

There is an organisation that has mothers on its book who volunteer to go and help out other mothers when things are tough...I can't remember what the organisation is called, your HV might no though?

If you had a budget for a cleaner, could you place an add for a day or two?s work for a mothers help or find a person running a de-clutter business?

Bloody hell hibernate, you are in a terrible situation I am in tears for you. Whereabouts in the country are you? I am sure some kind MNetter would help you...I certainly would (am in Leicester).

You have 5 hours a day you say? How about if you were to organise yourself something like this:

3 hours working
1 hour on the house (15 mins declutter, 15 mins vacuum or mop, 15 minutes bathroom or kitchen and 15 minutes tidying)
1 hour for yourself - nice book, hot bath etc?

Homestart! An excellent idea!

I agree with TheProvincialLady - I would also help you - I am in Northampton.

I am concerned about your well-being though. Please post back.

Homestart

Hi oopsadaisy,

I have been coping like this for a few years now. My G.P. knows the situation well but other than antidepressants there is nothing to offer me around here.
The headmistress at the school thinks I have some sort of halo and a choir of heavenly angels play harps as I walk by. She said I should be put forward for sainthood. Lol.

She knows what I cope with regarding my son etc, but I don't tell anyone about the house thing, too embarrassing.

I have always been a strong person I am terrified that if I admit I cannot cope then they will take my son into care.
So I struggle on even though I want to wail and weep every morning.
I feel very alone, not just because I live somewhat isolated but because I have no one to turn to.
I tried to speak to my husband but he is not interested. He lost interest when our son was born and he had to take time off work because on my PND.
He says I don't love him, I do but I am too worn out and busy to deal with his issues when I have so much to cope with.
He is very childish about it, he wants so much attention, he clings and whines like a kid when i am trying to clean pooey pants or change wee'd bed at 3am.

I feel there is no love in our house only despair at what might have been but never was...

Yes, I put on a brave face and everyone says . Ooh you are so good, I don't know how you cope'

Still, life goes on, maybe I will try advertising for a cleaner again, with the recession, I might get lucky.

Yes Homestart, thats the one, thankyou! Mind was blank this morning.

They seem to be short of people in some areas so they do it on case by case basis and I think a referal from a HV helps very much (I was guessing that your son still has one hibernate as my DB had one until he left school).

Maybe you need to let some of your brave face go a bit...let people know that you are struggling. You might find that people were more practically and emotionally helpful if they knew that you needed help.

Your husband is culpable here and needs to be involved. I could not live with such a cold sounding man.

How have you got no friends? You sound like a lovely, friendly lady - what's wrong with the people in your ocmmunity?

I would never forgive myself if a neighbour of mine was going through all this.

Gosh, I am overwhelmed by the replies.
I don't have a healthvisitor anymore. My son is nearly 9 now! They health visitors signed off when he started school.
I live in Wales. Also, we did have homestart when DS was little but round here it only lasts for 6 hourly sessions, an hour per week. Not for 9 year olds though!

I do grab a shower now and then, The hot tap doesn't work on the bath, so unless I faff around with a lenght of hosepipe from the handbasin tap and wait an hour for it to fill, there is no bath for me :( The tap hasn't worked for 7 years.)
Funny how you put up with things isn't it?
No hot bath, No gas central heating, no mains water, no oven. I wonder what will be next?
My car is in the garage next week for work. I am dreading it. Fingers crossed.
Mind you there is small pony in the field behind the cottage and the owners are away on holiday so I could always ride down to the school if the car dies.
See, so practical!
I watched that program on the telly where they made a family 'go back in time' to victorian days. I thought they were quite comfortably off, except for no shampoo.
At least there were no arguments over the playstation!

They won't take your son away, you are taking care of his needs so they couldn't, you are feeding him, loving him, dealing with wet sheets in the night (and that is very hard) and getting him to school. You'd definately be on the list for homestart. I know restbite care is hard to come by but is it worth looking into? DB only went a few times but it gave my DM such a rest.

The people in my community are Welsh.
My husband is Welsh

I am English

Now you know why my husband is estranged from his family and I have no friends.

I have lived in Wales since 1986 and have known my husband since then (but only got married in 1996)

I try to make friends locally but no-one socialises with us. We never go out as we can't get a babysitter and my husband is anti social and comes across as rude (he has asperger's syndrome and clinical depression). Also he is unable to cope with our sons behaviour (doc says don't leave them alone for long time- shouting, fighting, like 2 kids))so I can't go out on my own for an evening just to get away.

Everyone here has been so nice. thanks

You are having such a terrible time and having to live in squalid conditions would tip most of us over the edge.

Maybe you could think about selling the house, it's not the exciting project it once was, it's unsuitable for you and ds and dh is disinterested in making it habitable.

You could walk away from the house taking only what you want and need. Let a house clearance company sort out the rest.

You could move into a rented house where the maintenance is some one elses problem leaving you free to concentrate on your son and get better yourself.

I really feel for you Hibernate and wish I could be of practical help.

I agree with Alouiseq - can you sell the house and move on?

In the short term, can you organise a plumber to come and fix that hot tap today or this week?

Re the decluttering, I'd list it all on freecycle.

Feel for you too. Really do! I get the English/welsh thing, my family have been affected by it too.

I had though about moving, but the expense is considerable.

This house is unmortgageable according the the Bank, because of the condition, so would only be of interest to a builder I suppose.

At least we don't pay for our accomodation as we have no rent or mortgage on it and we don't pay water rates as we have no water or drainage supplied by the water board.
But our electricity bill is high (for the well pump)and it costs £75 per week for heating with coalfires (5 bags of coal).

My husband is on a low wage and we can't get a mortgage now and renting is so expensive plus what would we do with 15 years worth of stuff. There is a derelict stable attached to the house and it is stuffed full of crap collected over the years (my hubby won't throw anything away)I have hired 2 skips in the last 5 years and have only managed to get 1/4 way through the stuff. It is currently piled up to head height and covers a floorspace of approx 25ft by 25ft.
Including several old motorbikes, boxes and boxes of stuff from the 1970's 80's 90's. Dead relatives belongings, old lawnmowers. Aaarggh! It goes on and on.

It is quite frightening when I actually write it down. Makes me think about how I ever got into this mess!

Maybe I should chuck all the junk from the house out to the old stable and just set light to the whole lot!