Can I have a moan please? I am exhausted....

[lolapoppins]

....with having to explain that we HE to every other parent I meet. It's the same questions over and over again, always in the same order, I know what the next question will be, what the reaction to my answer will be and it's getting really old and boring.

Ds attends a theatre school four evenigs a week for different music/drama/dance classes, and there has been an influx of new children this term, as well as some moving up classes, so there have been lots of new parents aroud the place. When the subject of schools comes up, my heart sinks as I know they will ask me where ds goes and I will have to have the same conversation again. It's like groundhog day at the mo, it's such a small place and I volunteer there while ds is in his classes, so there is no hiding!

The one comment that hacks me off the most when I tell them he is HEd is "but he's so sociable, you'd never guess!" It really gets to me and makes me want to scream!

Ds was performing with the choir at a fête yesterday and was having a great time in the park with his friends from the choir, when one of the parents came over and said "it must be lovely for you to see him playing, it must be so hard with him having no school friends". Er, he was playing with a group of his friends! That's the kind of comments I get all the time when ds is playing with his friends from various clubs and activities.

I feel like I can't win at the moment. I was asked for the millionth time the other night 'how does he socialise' (grrrrrr!) I told them that he goes two home ed sports groups a week, one home ed meet up, a HE music group and an art club, as well as after school
activities everyday and a couple of playdates a week with HE and schooled friends and they turned round and asked me "how do you fit in academic work then?". I felt like banging my head against the wall.

I sometimes feel like making up the name of a school and pretending he goes there, but ds is quite proud of the fact he is home educated, so it would make me
look strange!

Also, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who think school is compulsory. I have been asked countless times who I had to ask permission from to HE, who sets the work, who marks the work etc. People harp on about living in a 'free' society, but so many belive that it's the law to send your children to X place to be educated for X numbers of hours per day. It's baffling really.

Lola, this is one thing that really puts me off even trying it a second time.

I know ds is fine at home but nobody seems able to get it into their heads that school isn't about social stuff. It's so adverse to encouraging good social behaviour, in many ways.

I can totally understand where you are coming from.
I'm wondering what take the tories have on HE and whether they will change things at all, if they should get in.

The thing you have to remember is that you're probably the first person they've ever met who HEs - these questions all seem really obvious and pointless because you've had to go round it so often, but you could try picturing your entire life as having a job manning an information stall at an education fair... just think of all the people who now have some idea about it as a result of all your repetitions of the basics to them

Adverse to socialisation is exactly what school was for ds.

He went to pre school and reception, I have posted on here about his horrendous time at school before, but basically he was so unhappy that he became a monster (only at school, not a home) and spent more time sat on his own with a TA than with other kids, or was sent home. The other children hated him because of his behaviour, other parents used to tell their children not to play with him, so he had no friends at all at school and was so lonely he would cry everynight that he had no friends despite being surrounded by 25 other kids all day. He was never invited to playdates or to birthday parties (not that I blame the other parents really, he was terrible at school).

Now that he is home educated (and happy) he has so many friends and is such a popular boy, within the HE groups, after school club and at the theatre school in particular, that I lose track of who is who (he is always stopping to chat to random families in the street in town, to some kid he knows from one activity or another!) and he is at a party almost every weekend. So, so much for School trumping HE with the social aspect.

lie, make up a school

Amuminscotland - some times I wish I just had a leader to hand out! Seriously, I know all the questions and what order they come in, I could type one up in my sleep!

I really don't mind talking about HE if people are interrested, but it usually has such a negative tone. The amount of times I have heard 'you are so brave' or 'i couldn't be with my kids all day, I'd kill them', never one positive thing yet.

Leaflet, not leader! I know what want to say, but my phone has it's own ideas!

Oh, I get 'Why would you wanna do that at your age?'

Treat it as an opportunity to show off!

I say "everyone said they'd learn loads through autonomous learning but I'm simply astounded by how much they do know - I'm so glad our decision is paying off" etc.

I also pre-empt them. I say things like "I love that they're so great at playing with children of all different ages - I often wonder if it's because they're home educated as they are rarely in a situation of being with children just the same age as them"

I would print off a little card headed FAQ and hand it out. (I saw one for dyslexia and thought it was a great idea for the DC to hand out.)

I used to say 'No! Whatever your question is about HE, the answer is no'

'No I don't have to be a teacher
No We don't have to do exams
No we don't have to follow the NC
No we don't have to have permission to HE
No we don't have to have inspections from the LA
and NO SOCIALISING IS NOT A PROBLEM!!'

and say it all with a huge confident smile.

was sometimes a little on edge if teenage dd1 was with me, she had gotten so fed up with the questions that she threatened to start saying she had stabbed the Headteacher and got expelled instead!

julie thats my strategy too!!! When people ask how its going - with a very pitying look I might add! - I just smile brightly and say "wonderful, thank you!" and walk away....I do not want to be constantly defending our decision to strangers...bad enough I have to to defend it to family members!!!

The woman who lives in the house opposite us is a dinner lady (sorry! lunchtime supervisor) at my sons old school...she hasnt spoken to us since he left We have also not had much contact with his old friends (unless I instigate it) which is a shame....I guess some people see our decision as a comment on their choices for their children, which is ridiculous.

Since we have HE, our ds1 is now at swimming class, karate class and beavers each week, as well as seeing his cousins and his grandparents more often. He is going to start horse riding this summer too (I am going to have to sell a kidney!!!)

The woman who ran the local Beavers group commented to me when I asked if grandson could start with them and I told her he was home educated 'Does he have behaviour problems, then?' I responded 'No, it was the other kids who had the behaviour problems.'

I plan to type up a Q&A leaflet at some point and just hand it to people who attempt to interrogate question me.

I'm surprised at the number of people questioning us at the moment I wasn't prepared for it so soon. But I suppose now DD is 4 it's more obvious she's not at nursery so most of the Qs stem from that then develops into 'oh how will she cope with school then' blah blah blah

Good come back Marjoriew I might nick it for the next time someone asks in hushed tones ' Does she have problems'

Oh and the how will you be able to when you have a baby too. Well one baby compared to 29 others, I'm sure she'll be fine!

Thanks all - I guess I just need to grow a pair, don't I?!

Thediary... Ds is 7 and my only child. People always say to me "well, I guess you can HE with only one". I get questioned on why I only have one Child as well, why I don't have another/when will I have another (that is a whole other irritaion to me, why what I chose to do with my body is of anybody elses conncern I have no idea) and I have said to people in the past that I would love another baby, and possibly will have one in the next couple of years and I always get the reply "oh well, of course you will send ds to school then". Why??

Fwiw, most Home educators I know have two or three (or four) children and manage fine!

I do find the quetioning from strangers in shops or whatever is worse just after a long school holiday, I think it's more apparent that they are not back at school then.

Are they asking in a genuinly curious way or in a critical, don't believe it's possible way, IYKWIM? I only ask because I've never met an HE family (apologies if that's a rubbish term) and would be really interested to know how you overcome what I would worry about as problems, and would really like to know how people manage to a) fit in all the things that you need to in order to ensure a rounded child, because I struggle with just 1 DD in nursery! and b) know enough about enough subjects to do a good teaching job because I can't remember much history other than Henry VIII's wives, for example. I see that all I would be doing would be projecting my own weaknesses onto the HE parent, but I genuinly think I would struggle to HE myself.

Disclaimer - I'm not a thicko, am highly educated, but history and geography were never areas of strength! Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I do know all that much about Tudor history beyond a bit of reading Alison Weir and Phillipa Gregory and watching The Tudors on HBO, and I'm pretty sure that wouldn't get DD through a GCSE

TheBossOfMe - the important thing to understand about HE is that you don't have to know everything that you want your child to learn - you find things out together, and help the child to find information from other sources. So, you don't have to know all about history - the library is full of history books for children that you can read together. If the child later wanted to do a GCSE there are plenty of textbooks - what you bring as an adult is some knowledge of the world, which allows you to talk through a subject with your child, helping them to think about the issues eg if she was reading about the Tudors you might want to talk about why Henry VIII kept replacing wives - the importance of a male heir for the monarchy. Pretty soon you find that your child knows more about some subjects than you do, and then your role is very much helping them to find more resources, not being the teacher at all.

On the Tudors, I'm willing to hire out my DD, LOL. She has been passionate about them for a long time and knows all the dates of the marriages, deaths, etc. In fact, I've read more about it recently because she is so interested than I had since primary school (and I am reasonably interested in history).

I agree with AMumInScotland - the important thing is that you know more about the world and can help the DC to find appropriate resources. My DS (15) has done short OU science courses on planets, fossils, mammals, drugs and forensics. I did not work through the materials but I helped him to work through the assignments. I asked him to explain the questions (and his answers) to me and said if I thought that his answer did not fully address the question. In general conversation, he throws in technical stuff he has learned from his courses that I understand but would not have thought to bring up - a bit like reading a good-quality newspaper or magazine.

My DC have been EHE throughout and we have learned together. My role has been that of a facilitator - providing books, materials and space - and model learner. On being asked a question, the "correct" EHE answer is "let's go and find out", LOL. In fact, EHE children are regularly reported as getting fed up that their carers don't just tell them a simple one-line answer but enthusiastically start a project!

I see - that explains a lot! Thank you for enlightening me - I won't be so scared of HE parents now that I know they aren't all terrifyingly good at every subject!

Thebossofme - what Amuminscotland said.

Books, Internet. I have many freinds who HE that were teachers - they use the same resources they did when they were teaching, it's all available on the net.

The questions I get are usually critical. I think it is so ingrained into our society that you send your children to school that people are a little bit outraged that you dare to do something diferent. I often get asked how I think I can do better than a teacher. Teachers are Often held up as something special, how can a parent do what they do?

I find that other parentsbring up the home work battles they have every night as a reason they could not HE. Ds has a friend the same age who attends school, I was amazed to find put that some nights he has an hour and a half of homework. That's almost as much structured work as my ds does in a day. It's no wonder
his mum is in tears most nights over homework when a tired child has to sit down and do maths and reading.

It's hard to explian that I don't have to battle with ds
everyday. He enjoys the reading/writing stories/maths
he does, and the projects he does for history and
geography (which he choses himself, we follow his
interrests on those). He doesn't have the 'this is school
work' mentality.

I also find that many parents take it as a person attack
on thier parenting. I am sure you have heard all the 'i
can wait for the holidays to be over' and the 'when my
kids are at school I have my freedom' comments.
When you take the option of being with your children
all day some other parents can get defensive, as if you
are saying you are the better parent. so then all the
socilisation comments start, I find it's the hand-grande
comment in those coversations. Once people have
started the argument about HE in thier own heads, I
find there is no reasoning. Whatever you say, they will
answer with a negative comeback. Then the
coversation usually ends with 'well I couldn't do it'.
Hence me being so exhausted by it all, the negativity
brings me down.

The reality is, I give no thouht to how others parent their kids, I couldn't care less what anyone else does.

lolapoppins, when you had your disasterous experience of reception, what did you do? How did you know you could HE? How did you decide what approach you would take (ie. autonomous learning vs 'school at home')? How did you become a confident HEer? How did you find out what the best resources to use were?

I would imagine that somewhere along the line you asked questions, or got advice?

Why is it seen as hostility or a frustration to educate adults who are ignorant of the Home Education system, when your whole remit is to educate your children from home?

If I was a Home Edder, I would be embracing the questions, regardless of their repetitive nature.

I don't have that direct experience, but I am in a similar situation, in that DD1 will not be going to a local primary school. She starts Special School in September. When people find out, they often ask a set series of questions:
-Where is it?
-Is DD1 diagnosed with anything/'what's wrong with her'?
-What sort of children go there?
-How will she get there?
-Do they do shorter hours?

They aren't being rude or frustrating. They just aren't used to it, and are curious. It challenges their understanding.

Embrace it. Then HE won't be viewed as so marginal, and it will just be an alternative to institutional education.

I hear you, lola!

I can appreciate its annoying to have hte same questions over and over... i get; So where does your daughter go when youre at work? (confused look) Oh, you must really miss eachother? (pitying expression) But doesnt it cost an awful lot? What do you do about school holidays? Oh, I really admire you, being able to leave hyour daughter all day (backhanded compliment) You must be so tired blah blah blah

People are just curious about the way other people parent because deep down most of us are looking for reassurance that the way we are doing it is the right way..

The obvious point is that what is right for you and Your kids is the right way of course.

I find the whole HE concept facinating. In fact before I was on MN I thought maybe one parents in every 5 towns home ed'ed and it was something that only odd people who wanted to keep their kids tied to their apron strings would do. However, having lurked on quite a few HE threads i see that is not the case.

If you dont ask or investigate, you dont know.

Lou- just to answer some of you questions, ds experince of pre school and reception was horrendous. It was a couple of schools, not just one. I know now that school didn't suit him. He was extremily unhappy and his personality changed overnight. He wanted to 'learn' at home. He coud read and write little bits, but at school would refuse to and would swear blind he couldn't even write his name. Hence teachers calling me a liar and accusing me of doing examples of ds writing myself that i took into show them when they were telling me he must have learning difficulties.

I had never thouht about HE until a friend who had never been to school herself sat down and asked me why I was putting us through all this, that school obviously did not suit him (the problems he had were bizzarely only at school, not in any clubshe went to, or at home, with family and friends or children outside school) and just because it was the norm, it didn't mean it was for everyone.

I had never met any home educators before, so no, I never asked questions. When we started meeting other he families, we were already into the swing of things. I
am not the kind of person to intently question
someone elses way of life though. of course I have
met people in life, whose way of doing things I don't
understand and if I am interrested I am willing to learn.
But I would never be negative about what that chose
for themselves, or make them feel uncomfortable with
hardline questioning.

We take a formal approach to ds, as that is how it works for him. He likes workbook type work and doing projects. He likes having a timetable and knowing what he is doing tomorrow. That much was clear from when he was very small. Why he hated that school i will never know! But we do what works for us. Knowing ds and what he likes/dislikes made all the decisions on how to HE for us very easy.

lolapoppins, thank you. That was really interesting. Genuinely. My experience (and I have said it before on here) of HE children was that they had been brought up to be very defensive of HE, so genuine interest in 'what they do' was met with very clipped answers, such as 'our passions'.