Ramble about considering HE, DP's attitude and general fears about starting the ball rolling

[PrimroseHall]

I've been thinking about HEing DS for a while now, but have been waiting, hoping that things will fall into place at school, basically just putting off making the decision.

He seemed quite happy up until the beginning of the new school year. I wouldn't say he was fitting in, but for a child with ASD he WAS coping and he WAS learning. This year everything has gone down hill and we both need some respite. I thought this was down to his new teacher at first, but other children are thriving so it can't be. I think it's more realistic to say that he's unhappy because he's not developing emotionally, academically or physically at the same rate as his peers - they're all maturing and developing friendships with classmates who they share interests with, whilst DS is spending breaktimes with the little girls from Reception class . His teacher did try to involve him in some of the little groups that are forming, but it quickly became apparant that the other boys would only play with him when they were being made to, and as a result DS is aware that he's not well liked

So, I have decided that he'd be better off being HEd. When I think of not ever having to make him go to school again I feel totally at peace, all the guilt I feel slides away. I feel like going and waking him up right now and telling him that he never has to go again. I know he'd be ecstatic.

The practicalities worry me though. Firstly, DP and I don't agree about DS's education. He thinks DS is better off staying at school and working through his problems. I think he thinks that HEing is setting DS up for a life of dropping out. However DP is not particularly in tune with DS emotionally. DS won't talk to his dad about school because he shows how disappointed he is. I don't think DP wants to accept that his son isn't robust. He's never really accepted the ASD diagnosis. I tried to discuss the prospect of HE last night and he said that it wouldn't work because DS would just think he could spend the whole day on the xbox 360 and that I'd probably let him. I wouldn't, but the prospect of having a happy child again, regardless of what he's learning, is still a nicer one than looking ahead at the next 10 years of compulsory schooling and a miserable, depressed child. I've always promised DS that we would stick together as mother and son throughout anything and that I'd always do my best for him - I feel like I'm failing him in the worst possible way. I've had jobs before that have made me miserable and I've left, DS doesn't have that choice - at the moment I'm choosing to make him go to a place that he hates, every day!

I think I will go ahead with my decision regardless of what DP wants. That's probably wrong but I feel instinctively that I should do this. The thought of informing the school leaves me cold though. What exactly happens? I have read up through the last 3 pages of threads on here and I realise I'm asking something that has been covered many times. I just need it confirmed if anyone could do that. I have a template of the letter that I write to the head requesting that DS is removed from the register. Do I just give it in and DS is not legally required to attend from that moment on (assuming that I give it to them on the date that I've requested he be de-registered)? Will the LEA definitely contact me? I understand that it is my legal right to HE DS if I choose, but will the LEA want to assess him to see if they think he's a good candidate or is it none of their business. Ideally I'd like him to spend a month or two de-schooling, but will the LEA think I'm an irresponsible moron if I tell them that I plan to visit places of interest and watch educational programmes and do home-cooking with him etc?

I'm sorry to ask questions that might seem so obvious, but I really need some clarification of what's ahead, or advice on how to prepare for this. If anyone has any suggestions for books or web-articles I'd be really grateful also.

BTW, DS is 7 years old and half way through year 2.

Well done, PrimroseHall, and the very best of luck!
I remeber how weird it felt at first, and I too thought that SS were going to come round at any minute! But of course, they didn't. They have no right to - so remember that if anyone does turn up (they won't). Chances are the school will do absolutely nothing, not even inform the LA - and it's not your job to!

The weird thing is, I spent ages thinking how strange it felt not to be in school, but now I actually forget that people go to school. It's quite a recent thing, so it's taken almost a couple of years, but sometimes I see kids off to school and I have to bring myself up short and sharp and think, Oh yes, other children go to school. It's amazing how quickly you stop feeling like what you are doing is unusual and start feeling as though it is completely the norm! I can no longer understand why I ever sent either of them. Why did I do that?

Do keep posting on here if you need support at any time, and have fun!

Thank you musicposy

You're half right btw. The head at Liam's old school has just phoned to ask for a meeting. She hasn't contacted the LA yet, claiming that she needs to look into it because she's never come across this before . She's always seemed like a nice woman to me though, so perhaps she's just wanting to make sure that I've fully considered every option. I'm going into the school next Friday to speak to her. I was quite open to this and agreed and then she said that she'd have DS's class teacher in with her as well. Wished I hadn't agreed then.

F&ck, I'm going to worry about this all week now.

I'm not sure what she'd find complicated about it - she just has to let the LA know that your child is no longer at the school. It happens often enough when families move away after all...

Do you actually want to meet with her and the class teacher? Do you think there's anything they can say which will help you in the slightest? Or anything you can say to them which may make them better at dealing with a similar situation in the future?

If not, I'd be tempted to cancel the meeting, particularly if you don't get on with the class teacher, or find the people or the school setting intimidating. They are no longer a part of your life!

Hi Primrose,
If you need any support you are welcome to email me again

Wrt the Head. If you don't want to meet her you don't have to. Once the dereg letter has gone in that's it...she has no responsibility for your ds. None whatsoever!

Our Head actually told me that she would "have to get permission from LA first before she'd dereg them"!!! I informed her, politely, that she had a legal obligation to take them off at MY instruction as, to not comply was breaking the law and she was liable to a fine...which is absolutely true btw. Your Head is in breach of the law as we speak. You may want to point that out to her

Agree with Kaytee. You don't have to meet with the Head or anyone else from the school.
As long as you have proof that the head has received your request to de-reg your dc, it's down to them to inform the LA.

I would politely refuse any 'meeting', you've made your decision and that's that! It's NOTHING to do with them anymore.

Perhaps refer them to Education Otherwise , if she hasn't "come across this before" they are the best source of all the information she would ever need!

No, no ,no! Cancel the meeting! If you can't bring yourself to do it, enlist DP to do it (I did that a lot at the start when I was too chicken to face the school).
You have sent in the deregistration letter. End of story. It's up to them to work out what they are meant to do now, nothing more to do with you. She is in breach of the law if she leaves it that long to inform the LA, and the school will get into big trouble. You don't want to be any part of that - you certainly don't want the school to be able to use the meeting with you as a reason to not have informed them (try and say it's somehow your fault).
Cancel the meeting. You have nothing to gain except prolonging your agony and stopping you relaxing- the school are just panicking, that's all.
I know I am being quite bossy here, but the school are in breach of the law and you don't want anything to do with it. Please cancel. You will be so much happier if you stand your ground.

I wouldn't meet them either. What will that achieve for anyone concerned? It's like cancelling your gym membership bcause you found a better deal elsewhere, and having the gym manager refusing to cancel your direct debit and try to set up a meeting to persuade you to change your mind. The answer is "thanks but no thanks. I'll get in touch in future if I need the service you are offering"

(and yes, suggest she gets in touch with the LA asap since she is breaking the law by putting it off. Actually, I think she has only 2 weeks to contact the LA and tell them, so she is treading on very thin ice indeed)

When I said, no, no ,no, I meant to the meeting, btw. I agree with Runnerbean, Kaytee and MuminScotland (though that was probably clear from my post)

sod it. Don't suggest anything to her. Just cancel the meeting. Whether or not she breaks the law is not your problem

She has 10 days from the date you asked for him to be deregged

I feel like such a pratt for agreeing to this meeting now. Thinking back to the conversation I had with the head, I think she's assuming that I don't know the law and is trying to cover her arse.

She was careful to explain that she didn't receive the letter until after 3pm Friday before last. I'm assuming she'll claim that she couldn't action anything until this morning anyway and thought that she'd call me first and as I was open to chat further she's delaying notifying them for the best . The letter I sent didn't suggest that I wanted any contact from them at all - it was just a standard letter from a template online, informing her that she should comply with blah blah whatever, to de-register him and that he was receiving an education at home. I did repeat this to her on the phone and said that I didn't think there was anything to discuss because we were 100% certain that our decision was the right one. Then there was this awkward silence...and I blabbered something about being open to a meeting to discuss my reasons for HEing, but that I wouldn't be changing my mind. I'm such a wuss with authority figures. Of course she is only wanting to meet to try and change my mind.

I wouldn't have been too bothered about this if she was keeping DS's class teacher out of it. I do feel intimidated by her and was rather pleased to be rid of her. She is visibly irritated by DS and seems unable to respond to him without sounding as if she's had to say the same thing to him 50 times that day and raising her voice as if he's hard of hearing . Part of me feels like going on Friday just to ask her how exactly she could justify doing nothing to help DS learn to write, and how long she was intending to teach him grammar while ignoring the fact that he still couldn't write his own name unaided. She cannot claim that she wasn't aware of his problems with literacy because I told her at his last review. She told me that she would have a think about what to do, but all the help he ended up with was being sent home a handwriting book and a sheet of paper showing ME how to form letters properly . As if she somehow thought that I might not be able to write either or we don't have paper at home! She failed to understand me when I told her that he needed someone to make sure he was writing correctly at school as well as at home, because he was absolutely convinced that she approved of his writing and he was very upset with me for pointing out that he was doing it wrong. God I'm so wound up and angry about this now.

Another reason why I think she's trying to pull one over on me. She asked today if I'd contacted the LA myself. I told her that the correct procedure was for her to contact them and then they could contact me if they needed to. Then I offered to do it for her if she preferred. She knows exactly what the procedure is, because she said 'Ohhhh, no no no no no, lets leave all that until after Friday. I'm so gullible, I should have told her there was no need to wait since we were only meeting up for me to explain my reasons. I could kick myself now.

I do very, very much want to cancel this meeting. It is pointless and already I'm having to lie to DS about it. He overheard me saying the Head's name to DP and he froze on the spot. I lied and said 'Noooo, not that Mrs X, I'm talking about the lady from the doctor's surgery'. He was obviously frightened that she was demanding he go back to school.

Right so, sorry for the rant here. I haven't reacted very sensibly to this at all. God only knows what I'll be like if the LA phone. Actually someone has been trying to phone all afternoon and I've been ignorning it. I think I might only answer to recognised numbers from now on.

What I'll do, if you all think this is appropriate, is write a letter tonight for DP to hand deliver tomorrow. I'll apologise for cancelling the meeting, and explain that on further consideration it appears to be an unnecessary appointment. I'll end the letter requesting that she looks at the appropriate laws referred to in my original letter and continues with the de-registration. Then I'll request that she contacts me to confirm that she has done this.

How does that sound? More confident than I feel, I'm sure!

That sounds like a good plan - you can make it perfectly clear in writing that you're not going to meet with her, the decision is made, and you expect her to get on with the legal side. Perfect. Personally, I'd stress that I want her to write back to confirm everything, as otherwise she may be on the phone again which is going to be a pain for you and also doesn't give you a written record of what she says.

If the LA do phone, decide in advance what you want to say to them - it's very easy to start gabbling away and agreeing to things just because people have caught you on the hop. It's reasonable to tell them that you're only just starting, need time to make your plans, and will write to them by X date to let them know about what you're doing. That will give you space to catch your breath!

That sounds just fine to me Primrosehill.

You don't actually need her to confirm in writing that she has taken your ds off the register, as long as you have sent in the letter, leave her to it. You have fulfilled your obligation.
You could send the new letter by recorded delivery or get your DP to get a receipt for it, to prove they received it, but you don't have to do that either.

Write the letter and then forget about her and the school.

That sounds like a really good plan, PrimroseHill. Send it recorded delivery, or get DP to take it in and get a receipt. Then if the school try to pull anything, you have proof it was sent. Put in the letter that as far as you are concerned, your correspondence with the school is now closed, but if she wishes to acknowledge your letter in writing she is welcome to do so.

Don't beat yourself up over it. I was a school governor at the time I took DD2 out - you can imagine the furore and gossip - and I can't tell you the awful time I had with the headteacher! But it is all history now - and it very soon will be for you, too.

With the LA, etc, don't worry. I managed it, anyone can. You'll be just fine.

Sorry, I meant PrimroseHall. My fingers are going faster than my brain, as usual

Thanks for your advice on this latest issue. I agree with all of you, that seeing the Head on Friday is a bad idea. Unfortunately DP doesn't agree [sigh]. He has offered to go in my place if I can't face it, but I'd rather he didn't.

So, I'm going in on Friday after-all. [sweats]

I thought I might take some of his work in to show them how we're approaching education from a different angle at home to what would be possible at school. Basically I'm using every opportunity and medium to encourage him, and he's learning without realising it. Filling in quizzes about football and drawing race tracks that he'd like to see on Mario Kart is allowing him to follow his interests and practice holding a pen, write letters, develop hand-eye co-ordination and expand his vocobulary. Because he's free to choose how long he spends on an activity his enthusiasm remains high, and he's surprised everyone by continuing to choose a variation of activities with little guidance by an adult. All we are doing, as his parents, is providing opportunities and support to facilitate his learning.

I know I'm going to be met with disapproval for making the choice to HE and the purpose of the meeting is to attempt to show me what a huge mistake I'm making. I suppose I'd like to turn that around on them, and rather than feel like I'm defending my choice, show them how HE is an alternative to formal learning that suits some children perfectly well. I certainly don't want to appear as if I've chosen HE because I think the school has failed him, even though I DO think they've let him down, I know if I start down that route I'm going to be met with the head coming up with solutions which I don't want to explore.

Oh well. The only thing that I have to be aware of when I see the Head on Friday is that DS is NOT going back. I should be able to manage that with the amount of over-analysing and planning I'm doing.

Who wants to bet that she's inviting me in to wish us well offer her help and support?

Well that is a plan.

Me , I wouldn't prepare anything-as I am not obliged to.

I might take in some home education leaflets/websites details to offer her, so she can look it up if she cares to.

Then I'd appear to listen to what she offers-and it will be a promise to .........

then I'd smile and say no thanks
and leave.

Thanks Julie. Good advise about the leaflets/web addresses

*advice

I've just got back from my meeting with the Head and DS's old teacher. It was, on the whole, a positive meeting and the Head is following up our request for DS to be de-registered.

There was lots of "are you aware of...?" questions, but I think I did ok - not that it matters really anyway. At the end of the meeting the Head surprised me by admitting that DS had slipped through the net and that she had learnt from this experience, and that if we change our minds and want DS to go back to school again, he would be most welcome there and they would pull out all the stops to integrate him.

I feel like we've made it. DS is finally officially Home Educated [big cheer]

Yay! well done!

Hooray for you Primrose That is great news I was thinking of you yesterday!

My ds had another terrible day at school - arguing with the SEN teacher of all people who seems to have forgotten/totally ignorant of aspergers - A thread full of my woes is in the SN section of MN

I bet your ds is really happy! I hope he really enjoys himself over the next few weeks

I really hope your dh is happy about the new situation too!

Good luck to you. I shall be very interested in how you get on!

Thanks all of you When I started this thread HE was just a pipe dream. I never thought that DP would agree to it and I couldn't see myself having the balls to face the Head. You've all been so helpful.

DS doesn't know that I was at the school yesterday, so as far as he's concerned it was all dealt with 2 weeks ago. He is happy though and his confidence is coming back.

We've had a few awkward moments too. Yesterday when I got back from school he was upset because he'd been in the garden for a few hours and no-one had come out to play (we share a garden with 4 other families). I told him that all the other children would be at school and he cried . I'll have to make more of an effort to keep him busy indoors during school hours until he's got used to it all.

I'll have a look on the SN board Yurtgirl. So sorry to read that he's having really bad days.

Yurtgirl, I've just found the thread. I won't bump it up because I see you've not updated it for a couple of days.

I feel so sorry for you and DS, I can see why you're so worried about his emotions .

I have the same problem (??) with DS refusing to wear a coat. It's not a 'problem' for me unless it's pissing down or he is visibly cold. Even then, I will only say that I want him to wear it, I don't make him. It's a sensory issue, he doesn't like feeling restricted and weighed down by it.

I take it the SEN teacher you refer to above is who he's doing his 1 to 1 with, and who tried to take him to the Head for not wearing his sweater [sigh]. What a complete waste of their time together, as well being unnecessarily upsetting for him

Good for you, Primrose! Get in touch if you feel like meeting up...Good Luck to you all