Home education - scared I’m not good enough to do it

[MyTrivia]

My daughter is in year 1 and she’s autistic with PDA profile. She is much cleverer than me, is by far the most academic of my children and she’s done very well academically at her school this year.

However, there is an ongoing problem with bullying at her school which is a small independent school. She had a brilliant year in reception and now everything has gone to pot. Two older girls have been bullying her all year, pinching, scratching and trying to stop her from joining in games. Hitting her when she gets a house point etc.

Her behaviour at home has become explosive since this bullying started and she has frequent meltdowns and won’t be away from me at all.

weve complained to school. At first the teacher was dismissive but then i presented evidence that it was happening and the girls admitted they deliberately hurt my dd. They were made to write letters of apology but apparently they are still being mean to her.

i don’t think this is helping her mental health at all and I think maybe we need to home educate but she’s bright and is already a free reader and is very good at maths etc. I don’t want to do anything that hinders her progress.

Is there a reason for home schooling rather than looking at other schools? Especially if you can afford independent and so will have some choices. It doesn’t sound like she has a problem with school per se, it’s the bullying, so a fresh, nurturing school away from the bullies could be a good option I’d have thought?

I have found that the other independent schools in our area have a reputation for managing our kids with SEN, no matter how academic the child is. If the child needs any help with transitions, they don’t want to know.

That’s a shame, not the case at our independent prep luckily but I know others are unfortunately more knee jerk about it.

State? They are often a lot more experienced with SEN than independent - albeit without an EHCP they may not have additional resources available.

I am not anti home schooling at all but seems like you are uncomfortable with it and feeling forced to do it because of the bullying. Which is also sad for your dd if you think she could be happy in school without the bullying. I would try at least one more school out first in your shoes.

It’s a very difficult thing for me to navigate really because I’ve always known that PDA kids tend not to stay in school for very long because it’s too much strain on their mental health.

I think that realistically, she might thrive more being home educated. She has a friend who tried three placements before his mum decided school wasn’t working and to HE. She takes him to specific lessons provided by a tutor for English, maths and science but these are in the next town. And the rest of the time she’s led by him and what he wants to learn about. I’ve seen the change in him - he’s much happier.

My daughter is more interested in learning than any of my other children and she will often learn things which were news to me lol. So she’s motivated, definitely.

In every school, there will be children that are not very nice and I do wonder whether this is just something she’s not going to be able to cope with, especially as kids get older and social rules get more complex.

I think you should look at other schools first rather than assume no others will be suitable.

Send her to a state school. I’ve worked in a private school in EYFS and they were dreadful with any additional needs. I know all private schools won’t be like that but it’s definitely worth looking around before home educating.

I would love to send her to a state school - we have a lovely state school down the road but I’m worried that a class of 30 will simply be too much for her given that she has PDA. I also worry that they will overlook her and say she is not as in need as other kids they have with SEN because she is bright.

Our LA has an illegal blanket policy of not assessing a child for EHCP unless they are 3 years behind peers, academically.

I think you’re limiting her opportunities by assuming she can’t do things, dealing with the world around her is something that will benefit her in the long run.

Lots of children thrive in state schools with big classes where they can make friends and develop, I think you’re pushing your own insecurities on her.

She’s in year 1, of the state school is good they will have a more nurturing attitude to SEN and 30 kids will be fine. May be different as she gets older and then you could loo at homeschooling. my dd is also year 1 and has been referred for assessment for ASD and ADHD. She goes to a lovely state primary school, there’s 30 in her class but gets taken out in a small group for support sessions, and there is an ethos of kindness. We’ve had no issues at all.

Yes but she needs a lot of help with her self help skills and I doubt a state school will have time for this.

Depends on the school. My dd gets taken out for small group support sessions where they work on things like emotions, strategies for things like calming down and regulation, support for transitions like moving up years. She has an IEP which outlines what support she needs and what they do to support her.

Do you know anything about PDA? Nobody knows a child better than their mother.

I’ve got 3 autistic children, one of whom is a young adult now. And the other went to a large mainstream primary where she thrived but she does not have PDA.

OP, I would really look carefully at other independent schools. How well your DC gets on depends on lots of things - not just the school, but also her actual teacher. Her current teacher sounds not very good, if she hadn’t even noticed the bullying. A good teacher would be on it straight away, to nip it in the bud. Unfortunately, children can be very cruel, particularly to those who are clever and perhaps a bit different, but in life, your DC will come up against people who are not kindly disposed towards her - we all do - and keeping her at home is not necessarily the way forward.

I don’t want to keep her at home lol. I didn’t realise that’s what home education is - I thought it just meant education not in a school.

I was hoping to hear from people who currently home educate - this is the home education topic, right?

What did you think home ed was if not keeping a child at home?
I find it interesting that you say ‘nobody knows a child better than her mother’.
I’ve met many a mother who had no idea about how their child operated!

Yes, the teacher in reception was great. We didn’t have one day of school refusal the whole year. The year 1 teacher is good at teaching but she doesn’t like telling people off, that’s what I’ve learned.

The bullying is a complex situation. One of the children who bullies is 8 but has been kept down a year. She was adopted by one of the teachers at the school when she was 4 and apparently she has attachment problems which is understandable but I don’t think my daughter should have to absorb this.

i know of three other families who pulled their child out specifically because of this child bullying.

Are you a home educator?

So both main children have special needs and this particular teacher isn’t good at managing the clash of those needs.

I’ve worked with PDA before. It’s tricky. You may well need to home educate. I think I’d still have a look round at alternative provisions first though. A different mix of teacher and pupil personalities might be different.

Presumably if you are currently paying for an independent school, you can divert those funds to tutors for the stuff you can’t do, if you do end up HE?

My daughter has PDA and despite some challenging times in state school education she has made it through and is now thriving at college doing a course she loves and is excelling at. She never wanted to be home schooled and can’t afford private so had to persevere with state. There were lots of bumps in the road in primary but secondary went better as her needs were better understood by then. You can’t assume school definitely won’t work out for her.

Yes, the school employed someone to specifically manage this one child’s interactions at break time because she pulls children off swings and grabs children by the arms. My daughter said she has started running and slamming into her. No wonder she’s anxious.

My daughter said she told the lunchtime supervisor who only said ‘I’ll speak to her’.

It’s good to hear that MS secondary can work for autistic children. Did your dd have an EHCP?

It’s so individual for autistic children and especially PDAers. Home ed is brilliant for a lot of PDAers. It was our plan for our very complex PDAer (who has many other needs but the PDA is extreme and is the main barrier to education) but it became very clear by the time they neared school age that they were too complex and high needs to simply home ed - they need things parents simply cannot give, and nobody can home ed with such extreme sleep deprivation. So we fought for an EOTAS package.

My other autistic child has managed in part time primary (state mainstream) with an EHCP but is moving to a special school for secondary.

You might find flexi schooling a good balance if you can find local schools that offer it - we have quite a few around here.

Ignore anything about having to be x number of years behind academically for an EHCP; my very bright PDAer got the EHCP at 4 when we decided we couldn’t manage home ed and certainly wasn’t 3 years behind and the other child got it age 7 when their reading age was 11. Yes the LA resisted for my academic child but we eventually won the battle.

However if the main issue is around bullying there may not be a need for an EHCP (yet, at least?).

Personally, I wouldn’t EHE. Instead, I would pursue an EHCP, and EOTAS/EOTIS if necessary. That is because an EHCP can fund far more than the vast majority of people can afford to fund themselves. It doesn’t matter what policy your LA wants to apply, the law still applies to them, and ultimately, they aren’t making the final decision.

Yes, I think this is what I need to do realistically. The SENCO has been flip-flopping about this issue now for about 18 months. I have been to tribunal before so I can do it again.

Thanks to the helpful replies that genuinely offered advice instead of rude, snarky remarks.

Doesn’t sound like you will be good at home schooling, are there no other schools?