M I L "your playing god with his life"

[BeNimble]

...because we're choosing HE rather than school.

any comments?

How many times does it have to be said that HE children do NOT just sit at home with only their siblings & parents for company ....or that ALL parents are responsible for their children's education as per the 1996 Education Act.... so how does sending them to school mean you aren't "playing god"? ...

...Getting back to the OP I would ask your MIL exactly what she means by that comment & why she feels the need to criticise your parenting decisions. I would really resent the implication that HE isn't a valid choice & one taken lightly or on a whim.....maybe worth pointing her in the direction of some studies on HE or stating all the reasons why you have chosen HE and saying that you will be doing this with or without her support & if she hasn't got anything nice or constructive to say then maybe she should shut up

We all "play God" with our children's lives!

To deal with her I would engage her on what exactly her misgivings are, if she's the kind of MiL one can do that with. Have your counter-information lined up.

I find one of the greatest problems discussing certain things with some people is that they think because you've chosen to do something differently then it's a criticism of their life choices so it helps to be aware they may be feeling like that and be reassuring. You could also flatter her and pick her brain for educational things, which you may then use or not.

Obviously I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her!

I am not going to get into an argument about HE - I have done that before! Yes, they meet lots of others (I wouldn't acually worry at all about the social side that seems to worry everyone else because I know that there is a whole network out there).However you are directly responsible for the education of your DC.
OP has obviously thought long and hard about it and has her reasons and people have to respect that. I think it is fine as long as you respect the wishes of the DC. The person that I admire most was a woman who was adamantly against schools but when her DCs wanted to go at around the ages of 10 and 8 she let them go (and bit her tongue and supported them). They went back to HE about 18mths later but at least they had tried it and knew which suited them. It was much better than someone else I know whose mother wouldn't listen to her, she left home aged 16 to get an education, and is now a university lecturer with 4 DCs all at school and is very scathing about her own mother.
HE is fine as long as it is flexible and you allow for the fact that your DC may have different views.
BeNimble's MIL loved school - her DC may be more like her MIL than her!

i dont actually agree with HE Abbey - in most circumstances and esp at junior level, however i think that the OP wans't asking my opinion on HE

The OP wants advice on how to handle MIL. On another thread she has said that MIL loved school and was a reception teacher. MIL is bound to have feelings that it is a bit of a kick in the teeth, as I expect she was a dedicated teacher and believes that she gave her pupils the best of starts. I think that she would be happier if she knew that it wasn't set in stone and OP was going to review it at intervals.If DC was to have a choice later on (an informed, open minded choice)then I expect that she would be more reconciled to the idea.

From what I've read about HE it is often a very good choice, which is not made lightly by the parents. School doesn't suit all chn. I considered it for one of my ds's but have decided to stick with school for the time being. If your MIL is a teacher present her with some facts and articles about HE. She was probably looking forward to giving you her sage advice about school.

I am an NNEB ive worked in a variety of educational settings indeed I was employed by the education dept the vey day I finished my diploma- school is a fantastic place to be,all the opportunities are there the facilities and equipment are geared to child education- teaching is a profession that is well respected and on the face of it to choose to home school means you are opting out of what can be a wonderful part in a childs development.

I have 3 sons and have always worked in school some voluntry some paid -on the day our youngest ds started nursery I was to empoyed as nursery nurse to the dept.

Matthew is 7 hes NEVER been to school and unless he chooses to go he probably will never go, my eldest ds was bullied by a teacher and the education dept paid for a home tutor for him for 2 years ds2 was 'supposed' to be special needs until i arranged for the ed psych to investigte nd school admitted their error we educated him at home for 2 years and hes now at secondary doing very well......school is NOT always what its cracked up to be,as a parent you owe it to your child to make the best choices for them.

School is not the only way to learn.

** please be advised any spelling /grammatical errors are due to sore fingers from sharp knife and dodgy keyboard

I don't think that anyone is saying that school is the only place to learn windygalestoday and I wouldn't hesitate to HE if my child was desperately unhappy or had problems that the school was not addressing. I also can see advantages in not starting a 5. You have to make the best choices for your DC, I just think that you should make quite sure that it is not chosen because it is the best choice for you and your DC should know that school is an option at any time, that he could try with your support.

Oh lord this is going to turn into another of those threads, and it's not really what the OP was asking about (I think)

I sympathise - my parents and in fact most of my family are teachers and would def not approve if we decided to HE. Would be really hard to deal with.

Ultimately though, parents do 'play god' (daft phrase) all the time - you are responsible for making all the big decisions. MIL will just have to live with it. And she maybe does need 'educating' a bit about what HE actually entails.

The proof is in the pudding really-the only way to win her over is to do it- and do it well.

AbbeyA was the comment

You have to make the best choices for your DC, I just think that you should make quite sure that it is not chosen because it is the best choice for you and your DC should know that school is an option at any time, that he could try with your support.

for me??

well i have 2 ds in secondry school after being home educated and ds3 is frequently asked would he like to try school,weve visited schools and its not for him hes thriving at home and we know hes safe and receiving a good education- incidentally Im not keeping him at home for 'me' im keeping him at home primarily becuse it works for us and becuse we have NO faith in primary education.

No it wasn't for you windygates-sorry if you thought that. It was aimed at people who post saying 'what shall I do-I hate school but DC loves it' (it has happened on here). IMO it is no contest, if DC likes it that is all that matters.You have to go for the individual child. I think that one of my brothers would have liked HE and would have thrived because it would have suited his learning style. It wouldn't have suited mine and I should have held it against my mother for ever more!

i see exactly what youre saying abbeya and i do agree.

I am all for the individual and doing what suits them best. If I have a really important question to put to my DCs (it has only happened once with one of them)I got someone outside the family to bring it up in a normal conversation in a very natural way, when I wasn't there, and then I was fairly sure I got an honest opinion. I didn't think that I could ask the question in a way that my DC wouldn't pick up my feelings on the issue.
I think that they should be in an environment where they realise that they have a choice. My DCs have always realised that you can be educated at home because we have close friends who HE but they have all said that they prefer school.

BeNimble - I'd agree with some of the comments that it really depends on your relationship with MIL how you approach it - if she's someone you can discuss things with, and will see your point of view, then find out what the specifics are and deal with them, and then maybe go with the "till 7 then review" standpoint. On the other hand, if she's someone who is likely to stay set in her opinion no matter what sensible arguments you put forward, then you may have to just put your foot down and say "This is not up for discussion" and just keep repeating it when the subject comes up. Hopefully when she sees that your children are thriving, she'll reconsider.

My parents had some concerns about HE (though our circumstances are different from yours) but they would never dream of criticising our choices, so we were able to address the particular issues they had, and they were fine with the fact that we had thought them through. They're fine with it now that they can see how it works in practice.

yeah, there's always the possibility of some opposition, and you can never quite predict where it's going to come from, and in what form. I've had some real head-scratching objections, tbh, from friends and family.

I think, as long as they stand outside for 2 hours in the morning, and have memorized the entire book of Psalms by the time they're 8, then you have nothing to worry about, and you should tell your MIL that.

Only the Psalms, Kay? You're way too soft on them!

In Latin, surely?

Oh, and as for the OP, I'd go for the "he/she is just not ready for school yet. When (s)he's ready and willing to go, we'll be waving him/her off at the school gate feeling joyful for him/her" [which might be aged 7 or 11 or 6 or never, but you don't need to know that yet, MIL dearest]

heck... lots to think about here!

is it not obvious that i'm already considering her feelings simply by talking with her, and by opening it up on here for comments?

she is actually a likeable but rather rude, tactless person... she uses quite 'extreme' comments but doesn't like them back from anyone... expects respect but doesn't have any for others.

my decision to HE has evolved BUT we will continue to see how things are going all along, my children will be able to go to school if they want... all the HE folks i've met have said the same... i bet there'll be a lower percentage of parents with school DCs who'd pull them out.

** please be advised any spelling /grammatical errors are not due to sore fingers from sharp knife and dodgy keyboard

"my children will be able to go to school if they want... all the HE folks i've met have said the same... i bet there'll be a lower percentage of parents with school DCs who'd pull them out."

Amen.

I think that a lot of parents with school DCs pull them out; I can only guess but I would have thought it was quite common for DCs to start school and then HE. I wouldn't dream of never letting them start, because I loved it and know many great schools, but I wouldn't hesitate to take them away if it was damaging them.

I don't see any problem with parents choosing HE from the start, so long as they are clear what their reasons are. If they don't like the school system, think they do too much formal work at too early an age, believe their child will learn better or be happier with HE, or are unhappy with all the available schools, then I'd say those are all valid reasons. They are similar to the reasons why a parent might choose one school over another, or an independent school rather than state (or vice versa).

What does sometimes concern me is when parents sound like they're deciding only on the basis of their own experience of school and not on a real assessment of the available schools or their child's personality. Obviously you can't tell everything about people's situation from what they post on a forum, but some posts do seem more about the parent than the child IYSWIM.

"I can only guess but I would have thought it was quite common for DCs to start school and then HE."

I run the local HE website and email support group.
I would say from experience that about a third of the many new families who join us each month, are families who have home educated from the start.

I see no problem at all with choosing to HE because you didn't like school-any more than I see a problem with sending your children to school, and not home educating when you know it is a legal viable choice, because you liked it.
parents make that choice all the time-and no one comments.

We've done HE from the very start, and never had the slightest intention, once our DC were born, of sending them to school.