Autistic 11 year old thinking about Home Ed

[Stressedmummyof4]

So we have mulled over this all weekend. My DS is 11 primary 7 (Scotland).

School has always been really hard and triggering. He struggles massively in the mainstream setting. Was on a part time timetable for the best part of 3 years and this year they are attempting to move him up to full time and it's going horribly wrong.

Because he is struggling so much it's now coming out in challenging behaviour. He is being cheeky, can not cope sitting in the class so is wandering round the school. Has been given a room to go to which he sits in alone. They have given him a laptop so he doesn't need to do any writing, which at first was tempting him into the classroom but not now. He wants to kick a ball all day every day, and one day they allow it to calm him and the next they are giving him into trouble. There doesn't seem to be any consistency, which I think is making it worse.

My solution regarding the ball would be to put a lock on the gym hall cupboard but that doesn't seem to be taken on.

Friday was a disaster, it was children in need in school, no work all fun. Kids were doing things that they enjoyed and he wanted to play with the ball, whilst it wasn't convenient as the gym hall was being used he is supposed to have regular movement breaks which didn't happen on Friday and resulted in me being phoned to collect him. When I went down he was being cheeky and using the f word in sentences. I don't condone this behaviour at all. I eventually managed to calm him sitting on the stairwell when the head teacher appeared telling us that unless I got him out the school she was phoning 999 to have the police remove him.

I got him outside where he cried and pleaded at the window to stay in school and join in the fun stuff, they ignored him. I watched my son crumple in a heap begging. My friend came and collected us and we went home.

I am ashamed to say that I physically attempted to move him as the school had put so much pressure on me to get him out he grabbed my glasses. They were not broke and he returned them to me.

When I got home she called me to said he was excluded for three days and she would be contacting social services regarding his behaviour.

I just feel now after battling for so many years we have come to an end. He begged me on Friday night not to ever send him back and for the first time I found myself thinking I agree with him.

I forced the issue of school because I wanted him to socialise, but the way I look now is he is receiving no education and is unable to stay in a class so therefore he isn't even socialising anymore what's the point?

I feel since I have came to this conclusion like a weight has been lifted. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation? Many thanks

I decided near the end of year 8 that my DS would not be going back to his mainstream school, it was far too damaging for him and this affected the whole household.
I was in the process of appealing for a place at specialist provision and our LA gave him a place earlier than expected so he didn’t actually miss any of year 9.

I understand why you want to home educate but have you also looked at alternatives? Has your DS been seen by an Ed psych, if not I would be pushing the school to get one involved. Does he have an EHCP (not sure if they are called the same in Scotland)?

I took my son out at 11 due to difficulties with school and by then he was violently school refusing.

He has PDA so doesn’t suit an imposed curriculum, so we spent the next five years doing things that he found interesting, like scootering, bushcraft, cooking, and as he got older did things like work experience on farms. Whilst it wasn’t easy it was so much better for him than school.

He’s now 17 and in college (which is rather tricky), but is so much more sociable and confident, and has some amazing plans for his future, which I genuinely believe he would t have had we kept him in school.

Depending on where you are there are some very active Home Ed groups on FB, but I found them useful in terms of finding new interesting things to do in the area, rather than joining groups, although plenty were available.

We had yearly visits from a local elective home Ed team - you don’t have to, but I found them supportive and very understanding that we weren’t doing anything academic.

I don’t regret taking ds out of school at all.

I took mine out in 1st year. School refusal, horrendous anxiety going on since about P4.

It has been life changing for her. I had a child who wouldn't leave the house because she was so stressed and anxious she needed every bit of down time available and now I have a child who will go out for a few hours once a week or so and even managed a UK holiday in September (cheaper too!)

There is a group on Facebook, I don't normally pay much attention to these but this group helped me get my head around the fact that home ed isn't about replicating school and home and there was a lot of good information about how to formally go about things. It is called home education support Scotland

There will be more knowledgeable posters along but this sounds really difficult. My only worry would be that every day becomes an endless football game.

Why has he suddenly had his school hours increased? Were the previous hours manageable? Maybe the jump was just too big and needs more staggered.

Yes we have been seen with the Ed Psychiatrist but it was pretty much hopeless. He has a GIrFME plan but it's not even worth the paper it's written on tbh.

I just feel we have come to the end of the road with regards to school. He's like a completely different child when there's no school, I can see the difference in him and I think for his mental well-being it's going to be the better option x

Thank you, your post gives me great hope for the future x

Thank you I'll have a look on Facebook for that group x

When I posted here about possibly taking ds out of school, I remember replies from people with older teens, like mine is now, talking about the things that they can do thanks to home ed, and at the time I didn’t really believe them and thought they were being encouraging, but looking at ds now, I can see that they were right.

Ds has his own car, he does most of the work on it himself, he’s confident in his own abilities to at least have a go at anything, and usually it goes well.
Despite being out of school his English language and comprehension has stayed level with his peers.
Starting college has been tricky for him, but one of my worries was that he would struggle to fit in, but if anything being out of school has given him the chance to socialise normally/naturally with lots of different people, so apart from some issues with a lecturer who is not great with SEN students he seems to be doing ok.

It feels like such a huge decision, and it’s not for everyone, and it is very often exhausting, but if you can and your gut is telling you you should, I’d probably take the leap.

Funnily enough the football thing really only seems to be a thing in school. At home he loves the trampoline and a swing.

My guess is that it's his last year in primary school, and the attempt was so that when he goes to high school next year it would be an easier transition.

Even on the reduced time table he was barely in class too unfortunately.

Thank you, I feel now is the time, and reading about those of you with older kids / young adults it's given me hope x

Sorry to post more (it feels a bit of a full circle to have got to this point - I’m the one with the 17 year old, which feels unbelievable!) - someone said what if every day becomes an endless day of football - well, frankly, if he’s happy he’ll get so much out of that that years being miserable in school couldn’t do.
Years of misery is so damaging. Years of following dreams (no matter how mundane) and discoveries teach so much more.

My parents really got to know ds well once he was out of school, his relationship with them really blossomed, and they’d do lots of cooking with him that I wouldn’t do.

For some people it was all too much, they couldn’t cope with me choosing this for ds, and were rather vocal that I was ruining his life. In time it got easy to ignore them.

Sometimes you know what’s best for your child, and you have to give it your best shot 💐

Yeah it was probably well intentioned by school but unfortunately has backfired.

I hope you figure stuff out - it is a difficult, difficult situation and I really feel for you. Home school may be right or alternative provision might be right. There may be charities or local organisations who can give you advice on what your son needs and is entitled to. Good luck

Mother of two autistic children, ages 11 and 9 here. What concerns me about your posts is that I don’t see thorough evaluations being acted upon by school.

They know your child has autism and no one has connected the football, swing and trampoline as being sensory inputs. The solution for this is occupational therapy. It’s extremely common for our children to have an underdeveloped vestibular system hence the seeking sensory input. Why no occupational therapy?!?

Mainstream settings do not work for our children. They need a small class in a small school setting. My eldest is in mainstream at a private Catholic school here in the US in the gay area of town and enrollment is very low. It’s fantastic for us and the fees are subsidized for all attending. They do homework in class and her teacher is all
about mastering a skill and moving on rather than work for the sake of it. She is struggling with organization and we are all working on it together so she learns. Her teacher is male and she has traditionally done better with male therapists too.

Highly recommend Ross Greene and his website which follows his book. Both home and school need to follow this approach first before you even consider mainstream education again in a small class, small school setting.

I would not homeschool at this point. The LEA need to step it up along with the school. I don’t see what they are doing to support your child.

@HeelsOnFire I'm really, really happy for you and your family that things worked out so well. Your son sounds like he's thriving and it's really lovely to read that. It sounds like it was absolutely the right decision for him.

I've seen the other side too with my friend's son but it was slightly different circumstances (older child, diagnosed at 12, mental health shot to hell by then) so he might well have ended up in worse situation if they hadn't withdrawn him. It's a miserable choice and wrong that the support is so patchy with enormous delays.

It sounds like you know that home education is the right thing to try now. If it doesn't suit, you don't have to continue forever. The LA will still have the responsibility to provide for his education if you ask them to.

@HeelsOnFire hit the nail on the head: "Years of misery is so damaging. Years of following dreams (no matter how mundane) and discoveries teach so much more."

Or as I think of it, "First do no harm." My younger child has a moderate learning disability and I believe school would have succeeded in bashing the square peg into the round hole at great cost to her well-being.

It must be said that by the measures of the school system, her education would not be considered a success. Quite likely a school could have squeezed more "outcomes" from her than I did. At 16, she has passed no exams and earned no certificates. She learned to read in her teens and is just beginning to engage with arithmetic.

But the joy in her is something to behold. She is emerging from her childhood intact, knowing who she is. She has plans and projects - some realistic and some not! She is curious about the world and has no fear of learning, because nothing has been forced upon her. She has friends of different backgrounds and ages. I can't predict what the future holds for her, but so far it looks good. The world is her oyster, and I'm happy for her.

You may already know this, but to remove your son from school for home education requires the consent of the Local Authority. In principle, this is a formality and shouldn't take long. There are few grounds on which they can deny you. Be sure to get your information from a Scottish home ed organisation, and don't be led astray by some people in general UK forums telling you that deregistration is immediate upon demand, which is how it works in England and Wales!

The sad reality is that mainstream school and autistic kids are not a good match. Homeschooling is however a huge commitment. I wouldn't let your local authority off the hook so easily. It's clear his school is not meeting his needs so the local authority needs to find him a place at a school that can meet his needs. But good luck with homeschooling if that's what you decide.

Have you spoken to Enquire? Does DS have a CSP?

Mainstream completely failed my ASD son. By Y5 his behaviour was very much like you've described your son. He was pre diagnosis at this point, and was excluded more than he was there. His class teacher was lovely and tried so hard. The head hated him and didn't hide it. The senco was useless. His part time table became no time at all, and he missed Y6 completely. Y7 with a diagnosis and a statement he went into specialist provision and the difference was immediate. I'm not saying there weren't challenges but he came out of there with all his GCSEs, went to college then uni and got a 1st in computer engineering. He's now 24 and doing fantastically. My only regret is not pulling him out of that school 2 years earlier.

I think home education can be very good for children with asd.
However, I would also think about your own needs.
Doing a good job at home ed requires time and commitment. Looking after and educating a young person with asd can be very challenging. More challenges sometimes appear when the young person goes through puberty. You may find yourself needing respite from your child. Most parents get some respite whilst their child is in school. I have two children with ASD. I did some home education aged 3-5 years with one child. Both my children ended up in specialist provision where they thrived. I think you might want to explore special schools or other independent specialist provision before making the decision to home educate. There are specialist schools who may be able to meet your son's needs.

I took my AS/dyspraxic DS out of school at the end of the Spring term in year 5. It was the best thing I ever did. We followed a mixture of curriculum (Waldorf, Ambleside, Sonlight, Story of the World) and used Little Arthur Small School for correspondence courses in English and science.

I have a telephone appointment with the national autistic society tomorrow morning with one of their education law specialists so fingers crossed she might be able to offer some assistance x

Yes this is exactly what it feels like, for instance last Wednesday I received a telephone call at 2pm to ask me to come to school as he had been involved in two violent incidents. I immediately went down and the deputy head was saying that he had done really well in school that day and she was a bit taken aback to hear what the head teacher had to say. Head was standing with a notebook reading everything off. Incident one she stated that he had pushed a boy, incident two that he had a boy by the throat on the stairwell and a teacher caught him.

Deputy went to get my son from class, whilst she was away the head told me she would be suspending him as she couldn't have that type of behaviour in school. When he arrived at the office with the deputy he was in a really good mood, deputy spoke to him and asked him to explain from his side. Turns out incident one was when he was coming out the toilet and the other boy was belting into a wee lassie, my DS asked him to stop and the boy turned on him kicking him and aiming for his 'middles'. So my DS pushed him away as he caught him on the shin quite a few times and hurt him.

Incident two was a group of boys out their class room all carrying on in the corridors and when my DS went to the toilet they were having a big tickling game. Two boys ran to my DS and started tickling him so he joined in and was tickling the boy under the chin when the teacher arrived.

She told us she would need to investigate this and would get back to me, I had to take him home early from school.

I received a telephone call from her at 4pm to say that they had tracked the boys down and everything matched what my DS was saying and the group of boys confirmed that it was tickling. So 'he's fine to return to school tomorrow' . I should have been quick to pick her up on it but I was so shocked she was so blazea about it that I ended up saying thank you and hanging up.

I feel everything has come to a head now, I've been begging for placement for him or even one to one and keep being told no, no budget available he's not 'disabled enough for a placement'. She even went as far as to say he would end up in a class full of non verbal children and how would he feel about that. She has done everything in her power to go against us.

This is her first head teacher post and aside from her behaviour I feel she's really not cut out for this but that's a personal opinion.

We have his support worker, who he sees for one hour a week coming to the house today. I've told him everything about how unhappy we are, how he's struggling massively and how he is so much different at home when all the anxieties are not there. I've said I'm not returning him on Friday as he needs a mental break at the moment and for us to regroup and make some decisions about his future. So he has asked to come out to the house, the only problem I have with him is I find him sneaky he says one thing to me and another to school at times but I do call him out on it best I can.

It's been just over a year since we took DD out of mainstream. I can't believe we waited till year 9 to be honest. DD now does online schooling (which I definitely recommend) and within a year the grades have significantly improved, and they've gone from hoping to scrape a GCSE or two to thinking A levels and potentially university.

Mental health wise things have improved a lot too, and it's amazing to see them start to believe that they can succeed in school. They've learned new skills about independent learning and revision (not easy with ASD, ADHD, PDA) and are really flourishing.

And for me , yes HE is a lot but it's easier to manage knowing what the week looks like rather than daily battles and calls from the school.

Well school is not meeting his needs as is and it all sounds very distressing. Naomi Fisher on twitter is very good on this topic and has written a book about helping get it right. Might be worth a look. She does seminars also.