Home education support thread

[AMumInScotland]

A positive thread for parents who are home educating, those considering home education, and all others who want to contribute to the discussion.

But taking as a starting point the fact that Home Education is an equally valid choice, taken by parents for a variety of reasons, and is not illegal, immoral or fattening....

Another difficult day for my ds. Since new year he has been happy to go into school every day, but today the school refusal behavour resurfaced. I know one repsonse is just take him out today and HE him, I know I know. My DH doesnt want to and I just dont think I can do it without his support. know my DH is an adult whereas my ds is vulnerable and I must defend him, but without any support from my dh I feel I wont manage. and i really wont get family support at all. academic success WITHIN A SCHOOL is considered very important in our families. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of making a massive life changing decision and I have no one in RL at all who will support me. This is just the rant of a weary teary mum. But if anyone reading this has managed to take plunge and HE when their DH was less than supportive I would really love to hear how it went for you?

could i do that? would he be able to return to the same class in same school do you think, if he wanted to return? (that reassurance is more for me than him!!) maybe my dh would agree to something short term with options kept open. the idea is great and phrasing it as taking a break is good too.... just spoke to my aunt and got another 'you are too soft hes got you round his little finger, all kids dont want to go to school' lecture! wish i could think clearly for myself. is that true, do all kids try this on with their mums or does my son genuinely hate school? Am i gullable?

Did your aunt say "Rod for your own back" at any time in the conversation?

You could always ask the school, though they may say "of course, the place might be filled by another child". Would your child mind not being able to go back or would he want it as a safety net? Your LA have to provide a school place somewhere for you if you want one.

Can you say what you mean by "trying it on"?

I have been HEing my dd1 (11) since September. Ds1 (8) and ds2 (6) go to school. Dd2 (2) will at least start school, if we are still living here and the local school still has the same teachers. If we had to move for any reason, I think I would HE all of them.

yes, I think that my aunt, and other family members, believe that my ds is not really in distress about school but is simply acting in order to be able to miss school. Which I can see as contradictory - my point is, if he is acting up to avoid school that IS school refusal - he clearly doesnt want to go! if that makes any sense. I accept that it is not very strong of me to follow their opinions, and I know they dont understand my ds like I do, it is just so so frightening imagining doing he with no support from family at all and just down right opposition. Apart from anything else, I really need other family members to contribute if it is to work. There are certain skills I just dont have and they can help with, plus my dh works a long way from home so I am alone alot and really rely on family sometimes to help me.
my worry about school I supoose, is that the only other school near to us is absolutely massive in comparison, and were my ds to lose his place at his exisitng school and then we were to send him to the other school it could be alot lots worse for him. I can see that this is really just my fear of letting go and stepping out of our comfort zone, since he prob wont ever want to go back anyway! well certainly not for a while I think.

There is a book called "Can't go Won't go" by Mike Fortune-Wood, long term home educator and owner of one of the two biggest HE websites.
Mike has been doing research into all aspects of HE, and answers messages all of the time from anxious parents leading to him writing this book.
It is available from his website;
home-education.org.uk/book-theory.htm

perhaps if your dh read some information about it, maybe that would help?

And what about reading "Free Range Education" edited by Terri Dowty , which should be available from your local library.
This is an easy to read book, with a chapter each written by different home ed families explaining how home ed works for them?
And a chapter on the legalities by a home ed dad who also happens to be a barrister.

There is also a page on the EO website written by Dads for Dads;
www.education-otherwise.org/Links/HE_Adult_St/EO%20Dads.htm

If it is any consolation many home educators don't have the support of their partner to begin with, most are often turned round when they see the difference it is making to their child's confidence and happiness and their returning love of learning.

Some of us never get the support of the wider family-but they too are often won round when they see the difference it makes to the child.

I have some free time tomorrow to go to my library, I will ask for the Terri Dowty book. I rally appreciate your non critical support thank you for taking the time to do that.

Would it be possible to talk to the school and see if they would agree a term off, but with DS still registered at school? I've seen in other discussions about school refusal where the parents were not going to HE, but the child was given some breathing space with a view to eventually returning to school.

That way you could all be reassured that his place in the school was still there, while you tried it out.

I don't mean that you should lie to the school about your plans, but that you could put it in terms of a break for a term while you look at how best to progress the situation

Your aunt isn't the one seeing the problem first hand - yes, children do try it on a bit now and again, maybe making a bit extra fuss about a minor headache or tummy ache, but if he's doing it a lot, then there's a reason for it, more than just fancying a "duvet day".

I was thinking about you ilove8pm when i woke up today. I was also thinking that terri dowty free range education might be a good next step. there's a chapter in it where every anxiety you have or your dh has or a relative has is examined. So if someone is worried about "socialisation", say, then almost certainly there's a section putting the case for it not being a worry - you might find that useful ammunition in family conversations.

With extended family, it might be really great to present it as a break and to invite their assistance but keep saying "well, it might not be a good idea long term but we'll just try it out for a while" to take the wind out of their sails. A bit hard for them then to say "it might not be a good idea, you know" because you can just reply "Oh I know"

Waaahhh! Really upset today. Some of our most supportive family allies have done a complete turnaround.

They've made it clear they support us educating our girls, but not our boys, which has just completely me. And now they're saying they don't think we can do it longterm because - get this - the house is messy, so I'm obviously not able to 'cope' with education and housework.

Feeling very tearful this morning

my house is really messy today and I dont HE my kids, its just how houses are with young children isnt it? of course your house wont be spotless with kids in it, if it is I would personally take it to mean the kids in the house were not able to play freely or relax at all. And if you are spending your time with the kids, facilitating their learning, you are surely doing the more important job. the ironing and tidying can be done when the kids grow up!

Wow, Sue what a strange thing for them to come out with! Remind me, is there any difference between your boys and your girls (apart from the obvious!) - is it an age thing?

Certainly the idea that girls education isn't as important as boys is a very old-fashioned one - do they think the girls only need to know how to cook and sew and catch a good husband? A bit Jane Austen really...

Absolutely, it's really odd. We're fairly old-fashioned in the way we do things ourselves, but I'm educating all my children to give them a good education, because whatever you do in life - housewife or astronaut, you benefit from education.

I think they mean that ds will 'go out' to work, so he needs to 'go out' to school. (I'm trying to be charitable here) Different generation I suppose.

They didn't have a housefull of littlies themselves, so I suppose they just have unrealistic expectations.

Nowt wrong with traditional values, but I'd say if it's good enough for girls it's good enough for boys!

I guess the housework is one of those things - you forget what it's like having a house full of children. Some people even manage to be very tidy with small children, but they are very rare!

Maybe they think boys will have to "conform" more when they go out to work... wear a shirt and tie, obey the rules, say "yes sir" to the authority figure... just trying to think what their reasoning could be, but it's not easy!

I do keep a reasonable house, but it's not easy with my disability. It's getting better though.

I sound like I'm whining now

AMIScotland, yes, I think it might be the conformity thing, actually.

They sound barmy - sorry, I know they're your family, but they do.

No, I know, but they're not barmy, hitherto, they've been the normal ones.

" And now they're saying they don't think we can do it longterm because - get this - the house is messy, so I'm obviously not able to 'cope' with education and housework."

Aw Sue, I have EXACTLY the same from my MIL.

Which I find bizarre really, as our house has ALWAYS been untidy, from before we had kids .

I have 2 lovely kids who love learning, the older (reception year) one is actually ahead of those daft targets, even in reading, which I think absolutely NO ONE would have predicted had be been in school. This seems to count for nothing with them, however, compared to the fact that their pyjama drawer is not sorted by age

I actually find it very underminding and upsetting and can't put my finger on WHY. She goes on and ON about the house, and the car, and also the garden being untidy, and the implication is that I am not really coping. She even game my kids car tidies for christmas...

In rational moments, I think, well I really don't see myself as at home to cook and clean. I left a decent career to raise my kids, not to become a cleaner. The more financially logical approach would certainly have been to have stayed at work, bunged the kids in nursery and paid someone £6 ph to clean my toilets.

(oh the girls/boys thing is outrageous also, but not something we have coped with YET...dd is not yet school age. PIL are certainly much less concerned about her education but she is a second child, so I don't know if thats part of it)

(not that being a cleaner isn't a decent career. It just wasn't MY decent career, IYSWIM)