Help I think I've made a terrible mistake re new prep school

[blueflowery]

Dd was in a small prep school. For work reasons we pulled her out and moved to a new area and now attends a large prep school with lots of grounds and new everything, we were thinking great this is going to be a wonderful experience for her, fantastic endless facilities, likeminded families etc.
Anyway for me and dh it's been great most parents are similar to us want the best education and facilities and want their dc to be top at everything blah blah we do fit into these ways.

But, dd 6 has been coming home unhappy. She's done one term and her teacher seems to just stare at me when I say she's very unhappy now and wasn't before. Teacher said she's needing extra help with everything and is also refusing to do work and there's not much she can do about that. I think dd is intimidated that the other dc are better than her at academic subjects because her other school was further behind than this one so she needs to catch up ie they are expected to know all times tables long words for spelling that she doesn't cope with. By state standards though she'd be ahead still. We did not have any of these problems in the previous school even though they worked one year ahead of the state system so she's not sen or anything like that with regards to being behind.l and when I teach her she does learn but obviously that's 1:1 so easier for her.

Dd also clinging to my leg before going into class and considering I wasn't even the main carer for her before she started school this is not normal for us.
I'm so concerned. Dh wants to move areas again and me home educate. I'm not sure this is a good idea. I really liked school myself and think it can be a great platform for learning social skills. Dd is now saying she wants to be home with me all the time and can I teach her. Again I find this odd as she's only 6.

No idea what to do, feel like I've made a terrible mistake moving but moving back to the old school is not an option as we are so far away now and me and dh were not happy in the other area anyway.

I am intelligent and do feel like I could help dd achieve the academic side of things and tbh already am because dd is not performing at school I've had to buy so many books and teach her maths English etc.
I speak three languages and play musical instruments so again can get by on all of theses things and she does sport outside of school too but still feel like she should go to school. Sorry I'm going on and on now but tearing my hair out in despair. It's such a big change to leave school and I also feel ashamed if I do that I'm denying her a chance instead of sorting out the current situation. If I'm honest though, this teacher appears to have written her off and washed her hands of dd. Dd is a lovely lovely girl and appears to be able to socialise easily and making friends does not seem to be a problem. Other parents have commented on how easily she's fitted into the school it's just the teacher worrying us and the first term school report was not great.

I have no idea if I should ride this year out with low expectations and see if next year has a better teacher but am worried that dd will be really unhappy by then or to do this term and then potentially pull her out. I think dd would also crumble in a state school as she only just copes with the small classes now so a large class would swamp her. Also now she's already at school I've looked into state options available and can only get her a place in ones that I know she would not fit in if she got a place. (Not English and in a rural area with people that don't even welcome us in the local village lots of stares etc).

If anyone thinks they have an opinion on what I should do I'd be grateful. Sinking in all of this. Have a career that I can put on hold and I'd probably just do some qualifications myself if I ended up home educating dd. I would insist she went to senior school at least to make sure that's not for her so would only be next few years as dd now in year 2.

Don't do it! My daughter is at a very academically pushy prep school (currently in Year 5) and it took awhile for her to settle into the academic routine, with year 2 being one of the most difficult years. However, if your daughter doesn't have SEN and makes friends easily she will catch up academically at some point. A few struggles at a new school are no reason to pull her out and home educate her!

Sorry, that's just my opinion, as I come from a very academic family and education is our top priority. As a child I changed schools (and countries) a lot due to my parents' work and it takes a bit of time to get used to the new school. I wouldn't give up on school altogether simply because she is struggling temporarily. Continue helping her at home and she will soon catch up.

Thanks @XelaM having one is so difficult sometimes. We end up putting a lot of focus on the one dc.

I just feel incredibly guilty that we've gone from dd being confidently top of the class in her old less academic school to almost bottom of the class.
And I know dd is more capable than the report that got sent home, maybe not to be top of the class all the time but at least not do no work at all.
I do think I need to ride this year out and assess the situation. There is nothing wrong with the school I don't think. We saw many schools and still think this was the best of them for dd hence why we feel so stumped as to where else can we go if this really isn't right.
I appreciate your reply.

I think it takes time - I would say 6 months for my dd to settle at a new prep. Hopefully things will get better soon

I moved mine at similar age and it took over a year to settle. Similar circumstances. Do the mix the classes up? Class shuffle really helped us, the other children had been together for 4 years and the shuffle helped to mix up friend groups.

It might be that she hasn't found her friendship group or she just might not gel with that particular teacher.

Give her lots of emotional support and help her to find some positives to build upon.

I wouldn't move her yet. Hope she settles soon.

I don't know if they do class shuffle. The teacher seems to loathe my dd saying she's always talking and never sitting still she's naughty and having to be told off a lot.
I find myself saying oh no and sympathising as that must be hard for the teacher. I've had to say to dd stop talking, sit still etc but part of it I think is just her attempts at making friends. She didn't have these problems before she was always the 'good girl'

It was so easy at the previous school as she's been there since she was 3 and everyone knew each other. I do definitely want her to go to school but I will do whatever's right.

My DD was unhappy at school at a similar age to yours so I took her out, intending just to Home educate until I could get her in to another school. In fact we started and didn’t look back. I loved the freedom and all the time she had to pursue her own interests. I wasn’t pushy at all but she flourished and when she finally went to school in year 10 she was ahead in everything and got fantastic grades at GCSE. She did plenty of groups and classes along the way so always had friends; fitting in socially was no problem at all.

I couldn’t bear having an unhappy child. Do think about home ed if you can make it work overall. The rest of the year is an eternity for a small child.

@Mustnotbeused did you find it difficult yourself to home Ed? I mean staying at home etc? I sahm at the moment but not sure it's what I want forever. At the same time I want it dd to be happy.
I am so confused and concerned. Before all of this I'd just assumed it's a simple case of waiting but despite so much effort ie play dates and making every party etc dd is still dragging her feet into school.

She also learns so much when I sit with her and I'm not understanding how at school it seems to be such a different story ie she really needed help with xyz she's not independent enough etc.

You he school may have higher expectations and be more academic and less nurturing than the old school which takes time to adjust to.

I wonder if you’ve mentioned home school or indeed pander to her in the mornings? Perhaps if you insist she goes to school and do a quick drop off and be consistent she’d be better at going in?

@GreenTulips I'm the least pandering mother, back to work ft when dd was 6 months and a nanny took over, I did eventually do school drop offs and at old school they were dropped off at the gate, in the new school despite being able to go into the classroom with them I still do the gate drop off as don't want any lengthy cuddles going on to make things any worse. No idea what's right or wrong though.

I am definitely not encouraging the clinginess. I am now at home more since moving but I want my dd to be independent and get on with things so do not encourage her to be with me/expect me to be there all the time. Have never mentioned home Ed to dd it only came up because dh said he thinks the school isn't working out the way we planned and I have ended up spending a lot of time helping her at home and there is a dispute when I do the worksheets with dd itself she seems to get them done but the teacher is saying she's not able to get them done in school. Education is important to me I want to feel I'm giving my dd the best education I can give her whatever form that comes in.

You're correct about higher expectations and also that the dc that have attended the school for a long time are better than her already and I think that's affecting her self esteem and she's started saying things like I can't maths because I'm stupid. We've never said she's stupid etc so I don't know where she's getting this from.

Can she not go to the local state primary? You’ve loads of skills to help her thrive and get ahead out of school but I wouldn’t switch to home Ed so readily.

Also push the prep school more on what they are doing to help her get up to speed. I had a similar-ish situation when I moved area and ds went from (excellent) state to pushy prep. He found the other kids hard work and overconfident /bullying but was on top of the work. His class teacher however was awful and had decided that as he’d previously been at a state school that he would struggle with the work and the routines and the ethos. She was utterly horribly and unsupportive. I pulled him out after 1.5 terms as he was so miserable, sent him to the local (rubbish) primary and made sure he had lots of other input and activities and home time to thrive in.

Why do you keep moving? I think a second move in six-nine months would be very unsettling for a child.

Why does your DH not homeschooling then?

I think home ed can be very claustrophobic, and most kids would benefit from a school environment.

The teacher sounds a bit crap by the way! Bad luck.

In your shoes I would stick it out until the end of the year and put her on the waiting list for a local state school

A decent state school and an involved parent should get her the education she needs . And maybe She will settle in her current school and you win 't have to move her

I'd hang in there. Definitely don't move yet again and isolate her with home schooling. Instead, explain to her that their school has learned different things and she doesn;t know them yet, but she is clever and will catch up. Explain to her that you know she is capable.
Ask the teacher who in class seems to have befriended her and invite those children back for playdates once a week until she has an established friendship group.

Ask the teacher what she is struggling with most and help her with it at home, in very short bursts (five mins here and there) so it doesn;t feel too pressurised for her. Give loads of praise and 'See I knew you could do it!' comments.

DS2 arrived at secondary way below most others in his year. He was very unsettled for two years and I really dithered abotu pulling him out, but he stayed put and I am so glad he did. he has thrived at a more academic school and has a much stronger sense of his own abilities, as well as a strong worj ethic (that has been instilled - didn't come naturally to him but he now sees the benefits.) He is so happy now, and so much more confident. If we'd pulled him out, it would have sent a message that we didn;t think he could cope or improve, and I think that's an unfair assumption to make of a young child.

@HelloYouTwo there is only one village school. We are not white British and the school is in the middle of an estate with lots of English flags everywhere, If I dare go to the local pub I'm stared at with silent hard stares. I have tried to say hello be friendly but it's obvious I'm not welcome. I see how the same people react to other new people who are English come in. I don't really want to expose dd to that behaviour even if it's just at me. It does make life more difficult when you're clearly not welcome somewhere just because of how you look/sound.

We moved for dh job and he hates the job so he's happy to move but we can stay if that's best too dh can always look for something else here. It's all been an absolute nightmare tbh. The move was fine dd took to that well. If we move again dh is saying that we can move somewhere cheaper and get bigger house and have more money to invest in dd education in a different way. I prefer just going to school but watching my dd confidence crumble isn't easy.
Absolutely right I will ask the prep school what they are doing to help her. I did mention I didn't feel ok with how much extra work my dd got over Christmas and dd was fully aware she was the only one with so much homework, they have a system where if they don't finish the work at school it goes home. For dd this just seems an extra mark of shame when her whole tray is full up by the end of each week.

Following on from your latest post regarding where you live and your DH job, I would move again. But take your time to look at options. I’m sorry you have moved to somewhere that people don’t seem to want to accept you - that doesn’t sound like a happy long term option. Nothing wrong with saying that this hasn’t worked out and trying somewhere else. But perhaps somewhere more cosmopolitan with more choice of schools to give yourselves options - and bear in mind and for secondary. But given what you’ve said about where you live I think you’d be mad to isolate yourself and your daughter at home with home Ed in an unfriendly village.

Thanks @HelloYouTwo yes it does feel mad. We are not too far from London tbh but because were in a village it is isolating, if I were to home Ed id probably end up joining London groups and travelling but again not ideal with a 6 yo.
Also just realised I mean the state school is on the estate. I would have considered a state school otherwise. The problem I'm finding is any I think are good academically are full which of course makes sense and no state school will give you a place unless you already have an address in the area so it's quite difficult to simply move for a school.
I will stick this out for now and ask the prep school what's going on their end. Problem is they are also full and don't seem to worried about having a dc that's behind potentially leaving. I will continue to see what I can do though.

Please ignore the comments about HE being isolating or most children needing school. HE is a million miles away from being isolating this is a massive myth and many children suit HE much better - what is never mentioned is that a huge number of children currently at school would do far better if they were Home Educated - if they were only given the chance - even many who are doing OK would do better. HE is an equal if not slightly superior way to educate a child as it is 100% tailored to that child every single day.

However, it is only a choice that should be made if the parents are 100% commited to it. As someone who advises people on HE we always advise people thinking of pulling their children out exclusively because of potentially short term difficulties at school to hang in there and see if things improve. I would go and have a frank talk to the school whilst looking at your local state options as well. The HE option is not going anywhere - it is always there if things do not improve.

If you decide to you will need to engage with the local HE community - you will be amazed at how much is going on - maybe not in your village but all around the outskirts of London there are vibrant active HE groups - you will not need to travel into London unless you want to. Join some local facebook groups now and have a look at what is going on - this might help you to make up your mind.

You will not be isolated at all - most HE families find the biggest problem is not over commiting to social activities and groups. And all the advice and support you need is freely available online and from your local community. The people who struggle are those who do not put in the time and effort to ensure they get the best for their child - and you definitely do not sound like ones of those parents.It is difficult for people who have never been involved in HE to have a concept of how many activities and groups there are -- everyday when we get up we have around 25 different groups to choose from within 15-30min journey and if we are willing to travel for 1hr we would have 100's - this is without the ad hoc get togethers we organise just between a few families - like swimming tomorrow - which is happening after cross fit and before nature club.

You need to make the decision based on what is right for your family and your daughter but please make it based on an informed choice - not one based on myths and preconceptions.

I'd also stick this out op, and I'd talk to the teacher about how you can help your daughter catch up. The issue is she's behind the class, so she needs support to get to the level they are at.

I think you'd do her a huge disservice to simply pull her out of mainstream education over this.

Simply focus on how you can get her to th same stage as the other kids, from extra tutoring on,

I think the issue on isolation here is that if you take her out of school you would then be travelling to home ed groups and meet ups but she might well miss out on local friendships, given what you have said about the village you have moved to.

Why do you want to push your primary age child.

It is just turning her off learning.

Why the need at her age to be so academic.

Just because you are academic doesn’t mean your children are.

Better to concentrate on making friends and being confident at this age.
It will do more for her in the long run than being top of the class at 7 years old in maths

You don’t have a dd problem, you have a teacher problem! If your dd hasn’t settled and us unsure of the work, the school should be supporting her, not saying she’s naughty and sending her loads of work to do over Christmas!
You’re paying good money for crap teaching I’m afraid. Look for a different school, either state or private, where they will embrace her not set her up to be super competitive. BTW, you do t actually have to live Near a school to get a place.

I think you should bypass the teacher and speak directly to the head about your issues. The teacher should be supporting you and your Dd as new comers. I moved my DS to a prep in year 4 and the teacher was really accommodating and lovely, just what he needed as it's hard for any child to move into an established class.
The head will not want you to pull your child out after a term as frankly they want your money! Also it doesn't look great for the school to have children come and go and these prep schools ride on their reputations.

@HelloYouTwo surely that applies equally to a child at a private school as this OP's child is. Except for a few isolated examples most children in a village will be going to the local state school and someone at a private school would have friends from a similar travelling distance as Home Educated friends would be.

Our children have several friends that live closer than our next door neighbours child does who choose to send her child to a state school that was not the closest but the other side of our small town - only 3 secondary schools. There is another HE family in our street and there maybe in her village.

In addition our children play out with local friends and attend the local Cub/Rainbows/Drama/Martial Arts etc. Sorry but its another misconception I'm afraid that HE kids do not have local friendships.

Our friend is the only HE family on one of the Scottish Islands - far more isolating than anyone in a village close to London could ever be and her children have plenty of friends and are always out with them.