Help I think I've made a terrible mistake re new prep school

[blueflowery]

Dd was in a small prep school. For work reasons we pulled her out and moved to a new area and now attends a large prep school with lots of grounds and new everything, we were thinking great this is going to be a wonderful experience for her, fantastic endless facilities, likeminded families etc.
Anyway for me and dh it's been great most parents are similar to us want the best education and facilities and want their dc to be top at everything blah blah we do fit into these ways.

But, dd 6 has been coming home unhappy. She's done one term and her teacher seems to just stare at me when I say she's very unhappy now and wasn't before. Teacher said she's needing extra help with everything and is also refusing to do work and there's not much she can do about that. I think dd is intimidated that the other dc are better than her at academic subjects because her other school was further behind than this one so she needs to catch up ie they are expected to know all times tables long words for spelling that she doesn't cope with. By state standards though she'd be ahead still. We did not have any of these problems in the previous school even though they worked one year ahead of the state system so she's not sen or anything like that with regards to being behind.l and when I teach her she does learn but obviously that's 1:1 so easier for her.

Dd also clinging to my leg before going into class and considering I wasn't even the main carer for her before she started school this is not normal for us.
I'm so concerned. Dh wants to move areas again and me home educate. I'm not sure this is a good idea. I really liked school myself and think it can be a great platform for learning social skills. Dd is now saying she wants to be home with me all the time and can I teach her. Again I find this odd as she's only 6.

No idea what to do, feel like I've made a terrible mistake moving but moving back to the old school is not an option as we are so far away now and me and dh were not happy in the other area anyway.

I am intelligent and do feel like I could help dd achieve the academic side of things and tbh already am because dd is not performing at school I've had to buy so many books and teach her maths English etc.
I speak three languages and play musical instruments so again can get by on all of theses things and she does sport outside of school too but still feel like she should go to school. Sorry I'm going on and on now but tearing my hair out in despair. It's such a big change to leave school and I also feel ashamed if I do that I'm denying her a chance instead of sorting out the current situation. If I'm honest though, this teacher appears to have written her off and washed her hands of dd. Dd is a lovely lovely girl and appears to be able to socialise easily and making friends does not seem to be a problem. Other parents have commented on how easily she's fitted into the school it's just the teacher worrying us and the first term school report was not great.

I have no idea if I should ride this year out with low expectations and see if next year has a better teacher but am worried that dd will be really unhappy by then or to do this term and then potentially pull her out. I think dd would also crumble in a state school as she only just copes with the small classes now so a large class would swamp her. Also now she's already at school I've looked into state options available and can only get her a place in ones that I know she would not fit in if she got a place. (Not English and in a rural area with people that don't even welcome us in the local village lots of stares etc).

If anyone thinks they have an opinion on what I should do I'd be grateful. Sinking in all of this. Have a career that I can put on hold and I'd probably just do some qualifications myself if I ended up home educating dd. I would insist she went to senior school at least to make sure that's not for her so would only be next few years as dd now in year 2.

@blueflowery
Your DD sounds as if she's struggling under the pressure and lacking resilience and a 'growth mindset' if value was placed on being 'smart' and in her new school she's suddenly not 'smart' then she will struggle and potentially self sabotage. Instead you need to value effort, persistence and resilience rather than achievement.

Read Cathy Dweck's work on growth mindsets.
www.ted.com/speakers/carol_dweck

I would go and see the head. You don't seem to be getting anywhere with the teacher. They presumably have assessed your dd as suitable for the school - it's their job to get her up to speed with the class. She is not going to learn if she is unhappy. Lay off the expectations a bit. It's perfectly possible to have children working at different levels in one class. State schools manage it just fine (and I say that as a mother of a child now top set in a pushy academic private school who went to a state primary).

Thanks the replies have been helpful. Just to be clear my expectations are not that dd is top of the class at all. Her overall happiness is my main priority but I put her in a more academic school because I value academics but I do supplement not academic things outside of school although I've scaled back on some of them so she's not too tired.

We can get into London fairly easily so not isolated really but just live out the way ie have to drive then get train to London, don't live in the actual village itself (live on the outskirts) so have no local friends and the prep school isn't close to us but it is common for the dc to come from far away so play dates aren't always happening every week but she's in clubs at school afterwards with the same age dc so I think that's ok.

@Veterinari thanks, that's my biggest concern is how my dd perceives no longer being top of the class. I am happy wherever dd is in the class as the school is a good one I know she's not 'failing' even if she's bottom but she herself is not taking it well.

Not sure about talking to the head. Worried they'll just say bye bye as the school has a waiting list.

The state curriculum is very pushy now, why on earth would you want to push more than that? Children have to be happy to be able to learn, I think your best intentions are too harsh - find somewhere more nurturing for your DD, they only get one childhood.

Why leap from academic prep to home schooling... there are many things you could consider before that huge change..
1st thing I would do is talk to the school more either that teacher or teacher plus head of year on how they can support your dd better
Extra support could be better differentiated work/ extra sessions/ different class/teacher

Other schools? Including state?

Your post talks about how the school parents fit you not what about this school ethos fits your dd.

She's hardly been there anytime at all no teacher worth anything would wash their hands of a child so quick...

You may just be panicking but I would at least try and get the school to do their job first

Also sounds like your DD is under a lot of pressure from you n dh and school... miserable for any 6 year old

I’m going to tell you it’s good for children to learn from quite a young age that they aren’t necessarily top at everything and working hard to achieve is a good thing longer term. Being top at all times, in all things just sets them up to come crashing off their golden pedestal at a later point.
Try encouraging broader learning rather than rote learning of academic regurgitation like tables. Most children can learn their tables given the right motivation. Give her music lessons, dance lessons, language skills so,less formal learning is recognised and underpins the academics.
Is she 6 or year 6? You say prep but that would be pre-prep. Did she not do assessment before being admitted if it was an academically focussed school.
I think you’re wrong that children in state schools will necessarily be performing at lower levels. Plenty of ordinary state primary educated children who are bright achieve at the levels suggested. The difference is that in state schools there is a full range of abilities.

@blueflowery
Have a think about the praise and feedback you give her. The growth vs fixed mindset stuff is really interesting

I think the majority here have it that I'm putting too much pressure on maybe. It's not consciously done but I think I am doing it.
I will let it go and talk to the teacher again and see what to do. It is preprep yes sorry I always call it prep with regards to being a private school didn't mean to make a mistake. Apparently prep gets harder and the workload even bigger hence me starting to panic somewhat. Sorry if I sound like an idiot but I do want to do what's best for my dd even if that's zero maths! I don't want her to be unhappy. But I am finding it very hard to navigate how to ensure she fits in somewhere even if it's not this school.

Re state and private I think it's very difficult to get a place at a good school if you're already looking at entering year 3. I have phoned a few but they've told me I have to move first have a postcode in the catchment before they'll even discuss places. And most have waiting lists.

I am not putting my dd in the local village school for reasons previously mentioned and me and dh on the same page about that. When it comes to home schooling I meant I would consider this for primary only senior school I would really want dd to be in school so again I have to think about all of that.

She's does have things on outside of school like sports and music classes so it's not all work work work. Sometimes I wish the dc could start school later so they had time for more fun earlier on but hey maybe I'd have to move to another country for that scenario !

Thanks for the advice. I am going to try ease off. I do praise dd all the time and tbh feel so happy I have her but having one dc does feel a lot of pressure on me sometimes

It’s funny how kids start to notice things and become self conscious. I have a DS 5 who we home ed. We’ve been going to kids rugby for 1 term and he’s progressed a lot (couldn’t do much when he started). Last session he sat out for a while because they were kicking and he could see he was the worst at kicking. He has never been that bothered if he was the ‘worst’ before. I thought it was a great opportunity to show him that you can get better at something if you practice and that it didn’t matter if you were the worst or best or win or lose - play by the rules, have fun and be healthy.

I can imagine though if he felt like that for a large amount of time at school, it may be quite hard. I did UK senior school entrance exams and helped my brothers prepare when they were younger, so I’m relatively comfortable with the curriculum. It can be quite a bit of work if you need to familiarise yourself with it all but it’s definitely manageable if you’re reasonably academic. We’re open to him starting at school when he gets older if he wants - could be 8 or 11. He’s v bright so for us the academic stuff is fine and we play board games and things. He can find it hard to sit still in big groups (noticeably compared to school kids) but he is fine socially playing one to one with others.

I do praise dd all the time and tbh feel so happy I have her but having one dc does feel a lot of pressure on me sometimes

The type of praise you give matters though. Praising achievement/outcome can be counterproductive
Eg you are good, you are smart.
Because the instant the child is no longer 'good' or 'smart' their self-worth plummets.

You need to praise effort. And when achievement comes easily rather than saying 'well done' respond with 'that was super easy for you - let's find a real challenge' Praise the process of trying/effort regardless of the outcome

I do praise dd all the time A constant stream of praise isn’t doing anyone any favours. Certainly praise where praise is due - both for effort and achievement ( Why bother to achieve, if no one notices or cares?).
The damage risk is from all vague praise and no learning to deal with criticism. A daily stream of ‘ your brilliant’ ‘wow amazing, let’s take a photo’ for every tiny thing isn’t teaching a child to understand and cope with fallibility . Not understanding they have areas to improve on, where others are better leads to real stresses later on.

Op find out if your DD will change teachers next year, l assume so...l would give it a bit more time, but sit and support her through all her homework to ensure she is capable of the level they are setting her..(it does sound like she is )

Assuming she is able to do the work herself, with you sitting supporting her, than l would definately give her another term as moving is stressful.

Maybe her last school was more tolerant of talking in class less intense concentration etc, but she may soon adjust to these differences.

I agree talk to the Head and don't sugar coat her reluctance to go into school. They could organise someone to meet your DD at the door with a friend, so they go in together, the teacher should be willing to do this. If they are totally inflexible then look for other options.

Please don't read too much into growth mindset. A lot of Dwecks ideas and research have been debunked.

"I’m going to tell you it’s good for children to learn from quite a young age that they aren’t necessarily top at everything and working hard to achieve is a good thing longer term."

CherryPavlova makes a good point.

I've had something similar with DS being behind academically.
We had a dreadful parents evening with the teacher saying things like "I can't keep differentiating downwards indefinitely, you know".
I felt really crappy about it at the time. I think DS felt crappy as well and was losing motivation to try in class.

I ignored the homework and instead picked one thing he was behind on (phonics) and did 10 minutes on that each day.

At first it was really tough to get him to concentrate because he'd lost confidence in his ability to learn. So I did a star chart and gave him a treat at the end of each week for knuckling down to the work without making a fuss.
I told him i would buy him a lego set once he was able to memorise all the phonemes needed.

Every time he made progress, I would say to him; "Look at that! Last week you couldn't do that and now you know it. Thats because of all the hard work you put in." Just really stressing the link between effort and learning.

Even though it was stressful at the time, I look back on that episode as a really positive lesson for DS. He learned that falling behind isn't the end of the world, that academic failiure doesn't have to be a permemant state of affairs and that he can master difficult tasks through consistent effort.

Hopefully this can be a similar learning opportunity for your girl.

unlimiteddilutingjuice

You were lucky to be able to ignore homework.

Ds’s school if homework wasn’t done then child was kept in at break and lunchtime to complete it.

Was a waste of time with Ds as he couldn’t read or write

Wow, Oliversmumsarmy Thats completely pointless!