Single Parent considering Home Ed

[SezaMcGregor]

Ive posted quite a bit recently on different boards about my struggles with DS and I'm now seriously considering Home Ed - at least for the next year before he goes to Junior school next September.

For those of you who've not seen my threads, DS is almost 7 in year 2 at school. He has challenging behaviour, we've recently seen the paediatrician for possible ADHD diagnosis, I'm waiting to hear what he thinks and he's seeing us again in 4 months, in the meantime he's going to contact school.

Last year saw lots of improvement. We started in Y1 with DS being very disruptive, quick to boil over and not being able to read. His behaviour, though still challenging, with the help of his very caring teacher, was slowly and gradually (albeit not greatly) improved and allowed him to learn to read and not be such a barrier to his learning.

Behaviour support identified that DS has low self esteem and suggested that his acting up is just a mask for his insecurities.

This year, he's got his HT two days a week, another 3. Both of which seem to be very negative towards him. HT especially does not seen to enjoy having DS in her classroom (she teaches Fridays which is his worst time).

In July, he was telling me that he loved his teacher more than he loves me. He loved going to school and when I asked him who his best friend is, he'd list half a dozen friends.

Now, he tells me that he wishes he didn't go to that school anymore. He says he has no friends. HT tells him "is there any wonder?!" He sits on his own at dinner time.

I don't want him to go back there ever again. I've changed so much with my parenting, jumped through schools hoops to prove myself to them, prove that I was doing all that I can to improve his behaviour, to build his self-esteem - and they're doing such soul destroying things to him every day while I'm trusting them to look after him.

So, I'm wondering if home ed is an option. I'm a single parent, it's always just me. I currently work full time during school hours so I'd not be able to do that any more.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I posted on your other thread Seza.

The beauty of HE for children with additional needs is that you can work equally on academics AND development, and give your child what they need as an individual. School doesn't fit everyone (in fact the range that it does fit becomes narrower as time goes by), and more so for children with SNs. Your son isn't happy and neither are you. Is there a way you can reduce hours at work and home educate even temporarily, until you can stabilise him and perhaps find another school, if that's what you want? Remember, there are lots of options and nothing has to be forever. He is YOUR responsibility and it's your choice how he should be educated.

You know your son needs to leave that school ASAP.

I'm impressed that last year's teacher was so good. It seems to me inevitable that over the years, a child in school will encounter teachers who work well with him and teachers who have a toxic effect on him. This year your son drew a short straw. Possibly you could make things marginally better by being Super Proactive Special Needs Supermum who spends every waking moment advocating for her child... but you still won't be able to force his current teachers to like him or believe in him.

You know, I was reading a book about ADHD yesterday and I was struck by how many of the problems encountered by such children are entirely down to being at school and/or being made to work in a rigid school-style way at home (i.e. homework). That then has knock-on effects on self-esteem and on relationships with family. As I read through this long list of "problem" behaviours, first I noticed how few of them apply to my own daughter even though she seems to have the underlying characteristics. Then I wondered whether they could potentially apply to a home educated kid, and went through the checklist again: "no... no... hardly at all... yes a bit... no... no... not that one either... yes... no... no... no... what a STUPID thing that would be to expect of such a child... not an issue... no."

The adults I know who have ADHD do have struggles in their daily lives, but without exception they describe school as the worst place they've ever spent time, the most ill-suited to their disability. You might almost as well send a blind child to a place where people constantly leave objects scattered around, move the furniture without warning, and then tell him he'll be punished if he cannot run from one class to the next in 30 seconds and that it's his own fault if he falls over. Nobody would treat a child with a physical disability this way, but it seems acceptable to sabotage a child with an intellectual disability by putting hurdles in his way which he cannot overcome and then blaming him for failing.

It's undeniable that ADHD does present challenges to all children including home educated ones, and to adults. Your son's problems won't vanish completely if he leaves school. But I would guess that most of them will.

So I guess you have the practical challenge of how to make ends meet, whether you can continue working at all and so on.

Bear in mind that the education side of HE doesn't take very much time at all, and that children don't have to be educated during traditional "school hours". It's all a childcare challenge really. You could, for example, send your son to a childminder in the daytime and educate him yourself when you aren't working. Or look for a type of work which is compatible with looking after your son.

There's no easy answer, but many parents feel they have no choice other than to HE and they are forced to find a way to make it happen. It sounds like this is really important to you.

I think you are a wonderful mum for putting your Ds first in this way. He is so lucky to have you.
I would urge you to do a bit of research re: finances though. If you need to claim benefits, the Jobcentre may consider that you left your work without good reason and impose a sanction. You may also be expected to put considerable effort into looking for a new job- which obviously would not be your plan.
There are ways around this but you should be aware of the potential for problems. I am a welfare rights officer and would be happy to chat in more detail if you PM me

just posted on your other thread and came over here looking for advice too.

education does not have to be in school time or follow aa school term pattern. you can educate at weekends with trips out activities on the computer.

you can educate at home after woork.. eg reading which I expect you do already.

if you can get someone to look afterhim in the day, depending who it is they may be able to help with the education by allowing him to use certain aps or websites, etc.

you can get as much 1;1 time with you fitted into the weekend as he would get with a teacher in the week. (more probably.) don't forget teachers are teaching a group of thirty in whole class time and need to cover a range of abilities so only part of that time will be fitted exactly to him. they also only work with a particular child on reading as part of a group of sixish once per week. same for maths, literacy etc. most of the group work would be relevent but there is little time to sort out individual problems there.

everything you do will be suited to him. 100% of teaching time. and by god us old fashioned teachers can justify almost any activity that he could do in the week with another adult as educational..

eg lego: fine motor control. making models: design technology, drawing a plan of the model, mapping skills...

Have you claimed dla for your ds? If he is entitled to medium rate care you could claim carers allowance and IS. (You would lose just under half the carers allowance)

Hi soontobesix I have the form to send off, I'm just gathering all of the paperwork that I need to send with it.

If he was awarded DLA and if I could claim the carer's allowance then money would be no issue and I could give up work tomorrow.

It is so difficult because I have a job that I enjoy and am good at and I'm not sure that I'd be able to find a job so perfect ever again. This is such a tough decision to make and I'm only going to drop DS off in the morning if his teacher promises to take care of him and nurture him.

I have read all of your posts and am very grateful for the advice that you have given me.

"It is so difficult because I have a job that I enjoy and am good at and I'm not sure that I'd be able to find a job so perfect ever again."

Oh, that is a heartbreaking situation to be in!! Such a job is so rare, it's really hard to think of walking away from it.

So many conversations to be had tomorrow! Class teacher, parent partnership and my boss...

Boss has allowed me to work 8-3 so I can get DS from school everyday and is really lenient about days off and school holidays. It's in our town an so is a short walk from home and DS's school. I'm going to ask if I can go back to part time or perhaps work twilight hours!

Wow, great boss too!

How would twilight hours help? Won't it be harder to find childcare in the evening than during the daytime? If you are HEing, you can fit that round your working hours so go for whatever is most convenient.

I'm glad things are looking more positive. You're SO lucky to have an understanding boss and I'm sure that will help you find a way of fitting everything in. Good luck .

He's told me to speak to HT and consider it carefully and to aim to make a decision by half term. Told him that DS will be happy to go to Junior School next year and so it would only be until summer holidays. Such a tough conversation to have!

I have kept DS off school, he is at work with me today. Phoning Parent Partnership soon....

Saracen - I don't know, it was just an idea.

You've got a lot of decisions to make and research to get you there. Stick around here - loads of very experienced people who can help you along. Glad your discussion with boss went well .

I've spoken to Parent Partnership.

She's forwarded info about Home Ed, template letter for complaining to Governors. Advised that I speak to Behaviour Support and see what she thinks. She is also going to come with me if I wish to have a meeting with school and suggests that I get Behaviour Support to attend also.

Phoned Behaviour Support and left a message for her to ring me.

Spoke to school this morning and told secretary (who phoned me to see where DS is) that I am not happy. She says that HT is in this afternoon and she will try to speak to me...

Good start!

I'd also look at some independent information about HE as PP might get theirs from the LA, which may not be accurate.

HE Guidelines

edyourself.org/

Thanks Streaky - Looking over the info from PP quickly (still at work), it looks pretty straight forward.

It feels very nice having her in my corner, but wonder how long I will have to wait for a meeting and indeed, how long DS will be off school before I am satisfied that they can provide provision for his needs.

How long is a piece of string?

It often depends on where you live - I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

I think that my main issue will be that she is the Head. She's the SENCO and his class teacher. She is putting up lots of barriers and she has no need to.

He moves to Juniors next year and so potentially, what ever is put into place need only be until then, whether that be him returning to school (a lot would need to change) or Home Ed.

Problem is, I see real dislike when she regards him, and I'm not convinced that that can be reversed.

No phone call from her either yet - so she's obviously not that bothered about him missing today.

I can sympathise with that. Ds had a HT who actively disliked him and it's very hard to have a constructive relationship with someone who really doesn't want to help .

I'd read up on HE in the meantime, if I were you, then you'll be fully informed for if/when you need to make a decision.

Hello,

You could keep your job and send him to a childminder for your working hours since they are short(ish)? Possibly child tax credit, the childcare element, would pay a big chunk of the childminder's fee? Then you can home school in the eves and weekends, but you will also find that he learns loads from the childminder too, as a decent one can't but help educate all the children they come across. That way you can keep your job.

Maggi - Would a childminder take a child so old? He's nearly 7?

I think that I can cut my hours down to part-time as long as I can find childcare.

I have a friend who would have him, but she is not registered and so any payment would come straight from my income.

It would be lovely to spend some more time with him :)

There are several home educating child minders around where we live - they home ed their own children and mind others at the same time.

There are other child minders who are willing to take on HE children, though they don't HE themselves.

Get yourself linked into your local HE community and you'll find these people :)

Day 2 of keeping the boy off school.

Spoke to Behaviour Support (who observed and provided strategies and recommendations last year) all of my numerous concerns. She is going to speak to school and then call me back.

I've emailed school asking for some work for DS (gotta show willin') while I decide what to do.

Seeing a teacher friend tomorrow for a chat and one of the school governors on Friday for advice with writing a formal complaint.

Its so nice how people continue to offer advice and help!

I've applied to join local home ed groups on FB and will look further into childminder for while I work.

Seza- Childminders can take up to age 16 (if they want to). Some specialize in HE children. Childminders by definition cannot be your official source of education for your child, but all the activities they do will be similar to what you'd offer, and you could always set formal book work each day to take with him. If your friend accepts any sort of payment (payment need not be money) for looking after your child, then they are acting as a childminder and would need to register (it's different once the child is over 8). Your friend would be breaking the law by accepting payment. If she came to your house to look after your child then it's different again and allowable as she would be nannying (which has optional registration, but not registered means no tax credit claim).