Single Parent considering Home Ed

[SezaMcGregor]

Ive posted quite a bit recently on different boards about my struggles with DS and I'm now seriously considering Home Ed - at least for the next year before he goes to Junior school next September.

For those of you who've not seen my threads, DS is almost 7 in year 2 at school. He has challenging behaviour, we've recently seen the paediatrician for possible ADHD diagnosis, I'm waiting to hear what he thinks and he's seeing us again in 4 months, in the meantime he's going to contact school.

Last year saw lots of improvement. We started in Y1 with DS being very disruptive, quick to boil over and not being able to read. His behaviour, though still challenging, with the help of his very caring teacher, was slowly and gradually (albeit not greatly) improved and allowed him to learn to read and not be such a barrier to his learning.

Behaviour support identified that DS has low self esteem and suggested that his acting up is just a mask for his insecurities.

This year, he's got his HT two days a week, another 3. Both of which seem to be very negative towards him. HT especially does not seen to enjoy having DS in her classroom (she teaches Fridays which is his worst time).

In July, he was telling me that he loved his teacher more than he loves me. He loved going to school and when I asked him who his best friend is, he'd list half a dozen friends.

Now, he tells me that he wishes he didn't go to that school anymore. He says he has no friends. HT tells him "is there any wonder?!" He sits on his own at dinner time.

I don't want him to go back there ever again. I've changed so much with my parenting, jumped through schools hoops to prove myself to them, prove that I was doing all that I can to improve his behaviour, to build his self-esteem - and they're doing such soul destroying things to him every day while I'm trusting them to look after him.

So, I'm wondering if home ed is an option. I'm a single parent, it's always just me. I currently work full time during school hours so I'd not be able to do that any more.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I received an awesome reply from school today:

Dear Sezam

Your DS's absence for today and yesterday are unauthorised as there is no reason for him not to be in school. I have contacted Education Welfare regarding this absence and they will get in touch with you.

Regarding sending you work to do at home – I am sorry but this is not possible.

If you feel this is no longer the school for your DS, this is your decision, but you need to contact the Admissions team to withdraw his place here.

Thank you

HT

It all feels very real now!

Maggi - thank you for your message and ideas. Looking for local childminders is on my list of things to do tonight now!

Bloody hell, she's almost telling you to change schools ! It doesn't sound as though she's willing to be supportive, does it?

Hi again Seza
Just want to say- you are absolutely doing the right thing and I admire you so much for prioritising your Ds.
Screw the school- that reply tells you everything you need to know about their attitude.
My DBIL was failed at primary school and he still struggles with low self esteem today. If only MIL had been like you, his whole life might have turned out differently. You are brilliant!

Wow. That's a headteacher who had a sleepless night last night. Defensive, much?

Streaky - I know! Where is the "I'm sorry that you feel this way" or the "Come to school for a meeting to discuss it".

I took her email to mean to either come back (with an apology) and we'll carry on as before because I am The Head Teacher and my way of victimising your child is the right way to treat him and how dare you challenge my authority.

Or, fuck off somewhere else, I shall indulge you no further.

I spoke to behaviour support this morning who agreed that they are not meeting his needs.

Dashoflime - Thank you, that means a lot. I'm by no means a perfect parent, I still shout too much and swear but I love him and care about him. I care about his feelings and try to always give some positive feedback somewhere - this is something that I've had to learn to do. But I am changing my parenting and feel that he is better with me who is still changing than at school where they don't want to change.

He's almost 7 and I've spent too long trusting in professionals and letting others tell me what is right for my son. I'm trusting myself from now on and letting his face tell me if it's right for him or not and right now, he's looking pretty sad. Time for a change.

ommmward - I don't think that she cares one bit about my DS. I think that her defensiveness comes from her having just received a phonecall from behaviour support who I'd just told how she is failing to meet DS's needs and having absolute disregard for her (behaviour support's) opinion that DS has low self-esteem and needs building up, not putting down.

She is cross because I have stopped letting her tell me how to parent my child and I have stood up and told her that she is wrong.

That, of course, and that I told the school secretary yesterday that I was not happy with the school and would not be returning DS to school until I was satisfied that they were meeting his needs and specifically that the HT's attitude was Poor

"He's almost 7 and I've spent too long trusting in professionals and letting others tell me what is right for my son. I'm trusting myself from now on and letting his face tell me if it's right for him or not and right now"

Good for you OP!

Speaking to Parent Partnership and Behaviour Support again:

BS spoke to school who said that they have no intention of putting things in place for DS. Free advice offered over the phone - HT declined the advice. BS referred it to her manager.

Suggestion to lodge formal complaint reiterated.

Actions: to speak to Home Ed person at LA; catalogue all of my concerns with school to include in complaint letter; find child-minder for DS for when I work.

This is terrible Seza I think home ed is a great option, obviously, but you shouldn't be forced into it, or another school, because of the actions of one person. I imagine that your support people, working within the system, would not advise you to complain without good reason. I am sure it will all work out for the best, but your HT sounds like a complete gobshite

Thinking about it positively, this makes your decision easier to make. There's no way that school is ever going to support your ds, so you might as well jump. Plus your boss is on your side. Maybe it's meant to be.

Streaky - he still wants me to meet with her and to discuss the issues that I have.

I dislike confrontation and hate how she talks to me, but he says "it wouldn't hurt" to talk to her - I'm waiting for a call back from the LA inclusion officer but she's going to speak to BS before getting back to me.

As he wasn't excluded, the onus is on me as parent pulling him out of school to make provision for him now, rather than the LA having any obligation to ensure that DS gets a good education.

I'm absolutely appalled by HT attitude but think that the professionals that I've spoken too are as well which is good (not good that it's happened, but good that it's not me being dramatic or exaggerating).

If this was an employment situation you'd have what's called 'constructive dismissal'. She doesn't want your son there and is making it difficult for you to maintain his place, but ultimately it's 'your decision' whether he stays or goes.

As for the meeting, either go to it and play the game, or deregister and avoid the pretence of trying to sort out problems. You know she won't support your son and she's said so to other professionals, and won't even take advice on it. She's made up her mind. I expect it won't be a very comfortable meeting as she's not going to change her standpoint. This could be decision time.

And opting out is also a clear message. You don't have to go through the complaints process and her defending herself and the potential confrontations. You can simply deregister your son, disengage, and leave her to cope with the knowledge of having failed your son so badly that you had to remove him from her care, without (for her) any right of reply. I promise, that will eat away at her conscience a thousand times more than a complaints process will.

I don't want to have a meeting - my boss does, he's quite the diplomatic type. He thinks that I had ought to air my views to her and let her know why I'm not happy with her school.

I, however, am quite happy to keep speaking to different professionals who are doing faces (that I can hear over the phone obvs) and making them dig deeper into why this has happened.

I've spoken to the inclusion people today who did a huge face at her turning down advice from BS. She's going to get her manager to contact BS to get her perspective and then to contact HT. I'm not going to de-reg him until I've heard back from the Inclusion Officer.

I've also spoken to the MAT team and they offered to speak to school and EHE for me. Told her to hang fire for now as I won't get prosecuted for keeping him off until he's been off for a couple of weeks and I want to do more investigative work to get more information for my complaint. It's okay me, little parent, saying that these things have upset me, but having her actually admit to dereliction of duty - it's absolutely incredulous!

streaky - that analogy is perfect and I think that's what the inclusion officer was ing at earlier - how can HT actually think that she can get away with it?

ommmward - I've got a lot of the LA team very shocked at her behaviour - the more that I keep talking to, the more people are hearing about it. As I lodge my complaint, there are going to be a lot more people asking questions and mentioning her name and her poor attitude.

DS isn't going anywhere and besides, I need to organise childcare to enable me to HE him so for now, taking my time is working in my favour.

Seza if you haven't already, get as much of this as you can in writing, even if it's just emailing the various professionals you've spoken with to confirm your phone discussions. That paper trail could be very useful if there is any misunderstanding about withdrawing your son, especially if HT tries to deny that she's refused to support him.

You are doing brilliantly - I am so impressed at how together you are I the face of all you've got to sort out . Keep up the good work!

Seza have you thought about getting your local MP involved? The HT attitude is absolutely disgusting. She should be supporting you and your son to access the help he needs, not pushing him out of school.

ommmward love that you are so good at being the bigger person but it sounds like in this case walking away would be the wrong thing to do. It leaves it wide open for this to happen to someone else. I don't believe that this HT will lose any sleep over failing Op's son. It doesn't sound like she cares at all.

Honestly, I would not have been able to do it without the good advice from you guys!

Thank you for the reminder about paper trail! I needed that.

A colleague at work has spoken to her friend who's a school governor who's advised her that the procedure is 1. report to governors 2. report to LA 3. take to MP

I think that I'll collect all of the information that I can - believe me, this is going to LOTS of people in the LA already and it's being referred to several team leaders' desks by different people that I've been talking with. I'll speak to inclusion, BS, Parent Partnership, MAT team and my MAT team person tomorrow and email them to put their findings into writing.

I can then present that as a "file" to send to support my complaint. I'm thinking of writing one letter to each of Governors, LA and MP - had I ought to copy in our local newspaper as well?

Niggle - I agree. This should not be allowed to happen again.

You have to formally complain here! HT's attitude is appalling.

Make sure you follow the school's complaints procedure, though. You keep the other professionals involved, but you must follow the procedure.

Would another school be a thought? I know it's only for a short time, but not all schools are like this. Our's would bend over backwards for you in this situation

Sunny - I've already moved DS once and would not like to risk it again. He's happy to go to Juniors with his class, and I can use this year to boost his self-esteem and let him have some fun rather than spending the whole time being criticized and made to sit by himself.

I'm sure it will work out well and I've also found a study club where he can go to still have some time in a class room(ish) environment.

It's going to be an exciting year :)

Hello! I just wanted to give you an update as it is now Day 7 of DS not being in school.

The jist is that DS is still off but still on roll at school.

Still gathering information and I've spoken to more professionals in so many departments of the LA - and they have all been very helpful.