What on earth should I do!? :( <sorry long>

[Badvoc]

Hi everyone.
I used the home ed boards some years ago - I had a different nn then - as I took my ds1 (who is now nearly 11) out of school in year 2 for a year and home schooled him. It was due to him being undx dyslexic and also badly bullied. (He requested to go back to school and has done well)
Ds1 was summer born, had lots of health problems post birth and tbh I sent Him to pre school and school against my better judgment (family oressure)
Ds2 is 5 and is a September born.
No issues, seemed very advanced for his age (but that could be because I am comparing him to ds1 who failed to meet any of his milestones!)
He started school last sept and seemed to like it - is doing very well academically and loves to be creative.
Sadly, last year we lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly. Later that same day my mother had a heart attack. (She is ok) later (nov) I was rushed to hosptial and had an op (am ok now)
At the time I thought that both dc were coping really well.
Unfortunately I was wrong :(
Ds2 has had an awful time illness wise since he started school - his attendance must be 70% or lower :(
For example...in the past month he has had;
Ear infection
Conjunctivitis
Tonsiltis
Cold/cough
It was the same in pre school...he was always ill.
He is now so upset at going to school :(
His teacher - in her wisdom - did not inform me some weeks ago when ds2 was taken ill at school. She let him stay at school all day even though he had nothing to eat or drink :( obv I complained but got nowhere.
(I used my ears of experience yadda yadda)
I have tried talking to the HV who has suggested books dealing with bereavement, but his issue seems to be that he is afraid the teacher won't call me if he is ill And that he misses me.
I am so upset to see him like this.
Am I over reacting?
Is he picking up on my anxiety?
He would very much miss the social side of school - as ds1 did.
We live in a village so no home ed scene sadly.
Wwyd?
Feel utterly at a loss to know what to do...

Would he have trouble getting back into the school later? (I mean, do they have waiting lists?)

Can you get to a nearby town/city with more of a HE scene? It seems to me that there is a lot more home ed activity now than there was 5 years ago, nationwide.

What would the practicalities be of home edding - would you have to change your working pattern or anything?

What would his response be if you said "you don't have to go to school again until you want to, which could be after the summer or else any time after that"?

Can you keep after school and weekend friendships going? Our diary has been JAM PACKED the last couple of weeks with all of our school using friends booking themselves in to see us - we'll be ready for a rest from the social whirl once they all go back to school :)

Hope these questions help you get to the next stage of thinking about it :)

Hi omm.
I am a sahm.
ATM there is no waiting list for his year, But obv that could change.
I don't know what his response would be tbh.
I wonder if I should be looking into counselling for him :(
I know school are annoyed at his absences - makes them look bad to ofsted after all!
I would like to think I could keep friendships going but after all the trauma last year I haven't really made many mum contacts tbh (and his fave play mate is moving to Dubai in six weeks :()
He has cousins we could see and a friend who is in year 2...
I feel sick. I remember this feeling :(

I think I remember your original post about this incident.
I'm sad to hear he is still struggling.
Has he had any form of bereavement/anxiety counselling as I would say that it sounds like he needs some regardless of where he is educated.
At the time I felt that you had overreacted to this incident at school and I still feel that perhaps the way it was dealt with hasn't helped him get over it.
However I think this situation is a bit beyond that now.
Do you let your upset show as that certainly won't be helping.
It seems such a shame that a child who is coping well socially and was making good progress should leave school altogether.
How long where you planning to keep him out?
You clearly are capable of the logistics of it as you have done it before so the questions is if it is going to solve the problem.

Exactly smartie.
I took ds1 out for very different reasons and it was absolutely the right thing to do.
I am not sure I trust the teacher any longer (still no apology btw for initial incident)
I am not sure I trust mr gove et al with my sons education.
My feeling is that after a time he would crave more social interaction again - although he is much more out going than ds1 was.
As I said I though pt dh and I had death with things quite well...I read him books on bereavement like badgers parting gift etc. We talk about dad, they came to he wake (not the funeral) so they felt involved, not shut out.
I dunno.
I have obv fucked up royally.

((((Badvoc))))

Actually, the school shaped problem here is that a trusted adult has completely screwed up, and it isn't you. You no longer trust the teacher to look after him properly; he no longer trusts the teacher. Would it be a different teacher in the next class? Might it be worth deregistering him for the summer term, and explain to the school that it's a temporary thing while he gets over the trauma of the bereavement? If it'll be a new teacher in the autumn, that might make him feel like giving the whole thing a new look at that point? And that route enables you to keep friendly lines of communication open with the school.

The problem is that, having been down the HE rabbit hole once, you can't forget the fact that it can be a really excellent lifestyle for a child who, for whatever reason, needs unconventional looking after at a certain point in their life...

Yes. That's it I suppose. I have seen all the positives that can come from it but with ds1 it was a case of "I can't do any worse than the school" iyswim? In this case ds2 is doing well at school - at least so they tell me. One thing that also concerned me was that at parents evenings she describes ds2 as quiet.
Ds2 is not quiet!!

I was going to suggest similar with regards to next term but it will depend on how easy it would be to get him back in. Is his class full?
Also if you choose to do that be careful how you explain it to school as it will do him and you no favours if you put their backs up.
You have not fucked up. Children hide emotions or don't even recognise them until something triggers it. Death is a massive concept that takes a while to sink in. It might be that he has only really just started to understand what it means and therefore start to worry about it happening again.
I would look into some help for him, it can do no harm.

Hello Badvoc

If it was me, he would be straight out of there, not just because how the teacher treated him but because of the illnesses. To give him time to rest, spend time with you and talk through any issues he may have.

However, it would be for the reasons ommmward suggests .

having been down the HE rabbit hole once, you can't forget the fact that it can be a really excellent lifestyle for a child who, for whatever reason, needs unconventional looking after at a certain point in their life...

God I'm tired.
What if im wrong?

Badvoc

Would having them both at home be your preferred option?
They would keep each other company to a certain degree.
I found that as dd had been to school she was able to keep contact with several friends she had made, this has made a huge difference.
Also, are you able to travel to a larger town where there will be more going on in terms of activities.
Before we deregistered I emailed our LEA and asked if dd could still attend the county groups she was involved with, as this was the main condition with her. We were assured that all LEA have a duty to provide the same facilities for H.ed as schooled dc. Obviously, not activities run by particular schools for their own dc on roll. If you live in the county you are entitled to join any they offer that suit you.
So if you can travel, you may find lots of opportunities for social activities.

If you are wrong, which you aren't. If you change your mind you just reregister them.

I don't think so, no. There is a 5 year age gap which is starting to become more of an issue.
Ds1 enjoys school ATM and is doing well.
I can travel but don't want to spend every day driving around to activities...the petrol costs would be too much :(
On other news...ds1 pushed ds2 off the sofa earlier today and I think he may have broken his wrist!!
So he may be getting some time off after all!

I felt soooo smug last year when he started....no issues at all.
Just goes to show....

Well...have ordered some books for my kindle...time to start reading up on home ed again :)
Dh goes away for 12 days with work tomorrow...so won't be able to speak to him about it til he gets back.
Thanks for the advice

I do wonder whether taking him out for a term may help...

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Badvoc . If I was you, I wouldn't hesitate in deregistering DS2. It sounds as if more time with you, and away from an environment he's finding stressful, would do him the world of good. I'm not clear, though, on whether your DS2 mostly enjoys school or not: on one hand, you say he does; on the other, you say he is upset at going to school. You need to have a chat with him, once you're sure that home ed is an option you can cope with, to find out if he would prefer home over school.

I am in a similar situation. Like you, I home educated my eldest DS1, who has SNs. I agonized over that decision. However, when DS2 became very unhappy at school and I realised that the issues were not resolvable, I made the decision to deregister without (much) hesitation. It felt like the right decision and continues to feel that way. The black cloud over DS2 has lifted and he is a happy boy every day . He is on a waiting list for another school, but it looks as if we have a six-month wait, so plenty of time for home ed stuff first. To be honest, we're having such a lovely time and he is so happy, I'd home ed him for longer if I could. And I feel liberated to be free of all the school nonsense too. I hadn't realised what a burden it was for me too.

Maybe it would be good for both you and DS2 to have some time together after all you've been through? And, as morethan pointed out, it sounds as if he needs time to recuperate from all those illnesses too.

I hope his wrist isn't broken, by the way .

Hi toffee.
Thank you.
I think I will see how how he is in the morning and go from there....may take him to get it x rayed...
Can't sleep.
Worry I guess.

Hi Badvoc. Good luck this morning. I have lost count of the number of times I have had to take one or other of my boys to the local A&E for suspected fractures. I began to worry that we'd come to the attention of social services . It's worth taking your son in for a check up, though, if only to put your mind at rest.

Hello
I've seen a few children constantly off ill in my job.....so just asking whether ds has been checked for glue ear? Many boys get this and become delayed in their milestones simply because they can't hear the world and then always being off school sick puts them behind their peers.

Gromits in our son's case worked wonders. Instantly reduced his number of illnesses and instantly shot ahead at school so that he is now top in Maths in the school. His English was severely delayed but some phonics training last year (year5) has given him a huge acceleration in learning and he is back to normal level expected for his age.

Hi
Ds seems to be doing quite well at school ATM so don't think glue ear is an issue.
Taking him for blood tests on Tuesday morning to see if there is an underlying problem.
I will reassess his wrist tomorrow mining and take him in if it still hurts.
He isn't himself - seems tired.

Good idea to have blood tests. Let us know how it goes.

Had his wrist looked at - just a bad sprain
Blood test tomorrow
Spoke to dh yesterday who feels that we should let the school try the home school book they suggested for a couple of weeks and see if that helps...
My dh agrees rat we have no trust in the reception teacher now but also pointed out that he only has 9 weeks left in her class....
We shall see...
Thanks for all the help x

Glad to hear his wrist isn't broken.

It's horrible when you lose trust in the teacher. Hope things go better next term.

What do you think of mt taking him out if school til the start of year 1? Then starting him in a smaller school (mixed classes)?
Does that sound like a viable option?
I am slowly realising just how much I am dreading sending him back :(
But I am putting off talking to him about home ed in case he really likes the idea!

Well, you're asking the wrong people here - noone on this part of MN is particularly invested in School At All Costs

It is of course a viable option but always remember the saying 'the grass is always greener......'
Moving him may work but it may also bring a whole other set of problems. He would have to settle in again and make new friends.
All of which is possible and could be a breeze.
I just feel that at the end of the day school is not the root problem for your son.
His anxiety stems from a much deeper and more personal place.
I fear that without proper counselling the true cause of his worries will not be dealt with.
A short time out of school and then a new start may help him to go in with a positive outlook but just be wary of hoping its going to magically fix everything.

There's no reason you can't present it as a 'just for now' thing though surely? Then there's no expectation that it will be longer than the rest of this term?