What on earth should I do!? :( <sorry long>

[Badvoc]

Hi everyone.
I used the home ed boards some years ago - I had a different nn then - as I took my ds1 (who is now nearly 11) out of school in year 2 for a year and home schooled him. It was due to him being undx dyslexic and also badly bullied. (He requested to go back to school and has done well)
Ds1 was summer born, had lots of health problems post birth and tbh I sent Him to pre school and school against my better judgment (family oressure)
Ds2 is 5 and is a September born.
No issues, seemed very advanced for his age (but that could be because I am comparing him to ds1 who failed to meet any of his milestones!)
He started school last sept and seemed to like it - is doing very well academically and loves to be creative.
Sadly, last year we lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly. Later that same day my mother had a heart attack. (She is ok) later (nov) I was rushed to hosptial and had an op (am ok now)
At the time I thought that both dc were coping really well.
Unfortunately I was wrong :(
Ds2 has had an awful time illness wise since he started school - his attendance must be 70% or lower :(
For example...in the past month he has had;
Ear infection
Conjunctivitis
Tonsiltis
Cold/cough
It was the same in pre school...he was always ill.
He is now so upset at going to school :(
His teacher - in her wisdom - did not inform me some weeks ago when ds2 was taken ill at school. She let him stay at school all day even though he had nothing to eat or drink :( obv I complained but got nowhere.
(I used my ears of experience yadda yadda)
I have tried talking to the HV who has suggested books dealing with bereavement, but his issue seems to be that he is afraid the teacher won't call me if he is ill And that he misses me.
I am so upset to see him like this.
Am I over reacting?
Is he picking up on my anxiety?
He would very much miss the social side of school - as ds1 did.
We live in a village so no home ed scene sadly.
Wwyd?
Feel utterly at a loss to know what to do...

Your initial post has really got me thinking omm...I think ds2 does need unconventional looking after ATM.
That's spot on.

You know, the more I think about it, the more concerned I become..
Ds2s teacher (who teaches 4 and 5 year olds) has advocated I use "tough love"
Wtaf?
They don't care about ds2.
He is £5k a year to them and will do very well in the year 2 sats.
Too cynical?
:(
Ds2 is spending time at pils ATM and seems to be having a good time, although he got very upset when I dropped him off.
I have got a book called muddy puddles and sunshine for him which is a book for children about loss that they use by drawing their feelings...ds2 is very artistic so I think that will suit him.
I am also considering asking the gp his thoughts...school certainly dint see, to be trying to help him, even though they are fully aware of what has been happening...

I think you should follow your instincts, Badvoc. It sounds as if they are telling you what to do.

Yes. I'm terrified though

What are you scared of?

Honestly, I'm having the loveliest time home educating DS2 (8). It's so much fun and he's so much happier. It is far less stressful than trying to get him to a school where he was so unhappy.

Messing it all up I guess.
With ds1 I didn't see how I could make it worse iyswim?
With ds2 he is doing well - I worry he could regress...
Not sure i can get past what the teacher did though - how is it ok for a 5 year old to go all day without food and drink?

I lost faith in DS2's teacher too, Badvoc. I felt I couldn't work it out with her because it was about her personality and teaching style and she couldn't change those. And I had a history of difficult experiences with this school, so this was the final straw.

What is the head like? Could you see him/her to discuss this? I know schools usually discourage flexischooling, but perhaps that might be a solution to get your DS2 through this difficult patch? Do you know what future teachers are like? Talking to parents with children further up the school might help give you an idea of whether things will improve.

You seem to have three choices:

1. You work with the school, are honest with them about your concerns and try to work out a solution in the school environment (maybe flexischooling). You could still keep home education on the backburner as a solution if things don't work out. You could also ask your GP for a CAMHS referral, although finding a good therapist through CAMHS is always a lottery. You will also be put on a waiting list, so it's not a quick solution, as you probably already know. Pros: you maintain the status quo at school and things may improve. Cons: if they don't improve, your DS2 will continue to struggle and you may wish you'd taken him out earlier.

2.You send your DS2 to a different school. Pros: fresh start, hopefully a better teacher. Cons: another set of goodbyes and more change is probably the last thing your DS2 needs.

1. You home educate. Pros: DS2 doesn't have to put up with a teacher who uses the term 'tough love' ; you can give your DS2 the unconventional looking after ommm mentioned; you can send him back to school again whenever he is ready (assuming there is a place); you have home educated before, so it won't be as alarming as the first time; you can give your DS time to rest and get over his illnesses (sounds like he probably needs a proper period of convalescence); you can also take the time needed for DS2 to see a therapist if necessary (I wonder if a play therapist would be best at his age?). Cons: your DS2 may miss his friends at school (but presumably you can arrange playdates outside school time); it may be difficult having less time to yourself and having the responsibility for DS2's education (although at his age, it should be all about play anyway); it may be difficult for DS2 to cope with another change in his life.

I know it's a dilemma and it feels like you're going mad when you're trying to make the decision. What does your DH think? What decided me to home educate this time round was when DH (who had been saying, "We're not taking him out of school too!") suddenly said, "That's it! We can't send him back".

Thanks toffee.
Dh will support me whatever I decide but I think he worries that it will be too much for me.
He doesn't really get how much I am struggling now
At least with home ed I am not stressed out thinking he should be somewhere else!
Relationship with school so so.
The ht is "old school" and the staff dance to her tune.
Ds1 enjoyed his time there but I admit I saw it as free childcare and socialisation opportunities
They have me down as a neurotic mother I think
I wish I had not heard/seen so much tbh....ignorance is bliss and all that?
I know that kids in that school are written off by end of year 2 (age 7) if they don't get good sats results.
I know because my ds1 was one of the kids they gave up on.
Luckily I believe in my ds and he went from a level 1a in year 3 to a level 4c in year 5...
Which doesn't bother me (I don't have to please ofsted!) but the resulting effect on his self esteem has been wonderful to see
I need to have the talk with him - I am just trying to figure out how I word it!!...

Yeah, I'm sure some members of DC's former school have me down as 'neurotic' too, Badvoc. You have to try not to let it bother you and just do what you believe to be right.

Good luck with the talk...

Oh Badvoc, I just saw your other thread in Education - it's brutal!
Sooo glad to see you here getting good support.

Your ds is so young to be going through all this, can you not take him out at least until the summer while you decide what you want to do?

Hope it all works out.

Yes.
What was I thinking!!?

I don't know enough to comment helpfully but have to add - tough love for a bereaved child WTF are they on???

And I just had a look at the education thread too - what is wrong with people? I will stay here in home ed for my questions I think!

Some replies were helpful - the ones not from teachers!!!
It's so difficult...dh doesn't get home til Thursday and I can't make a decision without him here...

OP in your situation, I would HEd DS2. Look at it this way. Grandad was poorly. Grandad died. Nanny was poorly and had to go to hospital (and stay in for a little bit). Mummy was poorly and had to go to hospital and have an operation and stay there for a bit. Now he keeps getting poorly ... (and school didn't even phone his mm and tell her)

We lost my mum about 16 months ago, very suddenly and totally unexpectedly. DS (some SN) was year 6, not quite 11, and had been at his mainstream school for 4 yrs. We spoke to the staff on the PD day before school started back. We then met in the SENCo's office at the start of the first day back before he went into class. All staff were aware. DS had an open pass to go and sit in the area by the SENCo's office if things were too much. They bent over backwards to ensure he was as happy and anxiety free as possible during his time in school. It was very much his safe space, where memories of my mum were few and far between. Had that not been the case, I would have pulled him out and given him time at home. Adults who are bereaved can at least get signed off if needed, kids aren't allowed even that.

LR - I am sorry for your loss.
Sadly my dad died very unexpectedly
I have to do what is right for ds - I just need to figure out what that is!!

Oh Badvoc! Sorry when I first read your thread I thought I had little to contribute as I have older children and been out of the school loop for years. Now, I have read the first two pages of your thread on the 'Education' section!

A few responses to some comments (pardon my language at times!):

'' I'm sorry but a teacher has not got time to phone a parent every time a child has an off day'' Bollocks! I use to wait in  the car park waiting to be told my son was ill <span class="line-through">just imagine if I challenged that...I should have done!</span>

''We are not allowed to send home any child on their say-so. Our HT requires a temperature, broken bone or visible proof of having been sick.'' Bollocks: see the above!

''I am staggered by the number of children (KS1 in particular) tipping virtually all their lunch in the bin.'' OMG!!!!!! 1) Why does it not happen at home?! 2) I was regular volunteer in my children's schools and we were suppossed to ensure the children ate a good part of their lunch. Begs the question: Have the standards dropped (HE'ing for a few years now!) or is the school requiring an 'in promptu' Ofsted visit?

''I leave him with these people expecting them to care for him...in loco parentis and all that'' Exactly, the responsibility is ours -the parents-, whether we educate our children privately or, through our taxes, publicly! If we choose to relinquish that privilidge to teach our children at home, regardless of the circumstances we do so, we should expect the recipient of such priviledge to at least understand we are paying their wages (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and occasionally hear our concerns and address them appropriately! (a concept understood by music, sport...teachers/tutors/ instrunctors)

LRB (((((((hugs)))))) I hope your child is getting better.

Not sure what I expected tbh
Thanks for your reply x

Well.
Ds is very keen on home ed!
It would seem I am going to be a home educator again!
Bloody hell...what am I thinking!!??