what are my kids missing by not attending mainstream school

[redberries]

I have a four and six year old I'm constantly being told they are deprived because I home ed

It is as I said at the very start; I pointed out that you can do it all at home but you have to work at it. Most parents prefer to go to work themselves and know they will get it all without them making particular efforts. ( many don't prefer it but they have to work full time, with little energy left over) I think it is a lifestyle choice.

To be completely fair, many parents also home ed because their children have SEN (eg ASD, dyslexia) that mainstream schools struggle to cope with. Sometimes people's choices are more limited than other's both in income and state funded alternatives.

Satin

We didn't find that our dd could get anything near it all from attending school and was the reason we left. We do it all at home and don't have to work at it, moreso than anything else concerning parenting.
I think every family that H.ed are unique as there are so many factors.

So far we have done

• mainstream school

• home education

• non mainstream school (online school)

Ther ALL have had pros and cons. Which is unsurprising cos nothing is perfect for all of the people all of the time.

The last one has been the best fit for us. It is not perfect. Some people's critisim and issues with out choice is valid. However balanced against the disadvantages and downsides of the other options, on blance this is the compromise of good/bad that makes most sense for us.

I don't necessarily write off critisims, even though some times it is univited and the result of quite a knee jerk/not deeply informed thought process. I kind of like the reminder sometimes that it suits me to regulsrly mull things over. Becuae my son's needs and wants have changed so much over the years and will no doubt continue to do so. Regualar mullings over and cadting my more critical eye of the downsides v the upsides is probably my best protection against continueing to choose something cos "that what we do" rather than taking the pulse regularly and often to make sure it's still a good fit for him.

One the other hand a constant flow of uninvited critisms can be a pain in the arse becuase few enjoy feeling like they are living under a microscope. Especially when the microscope owner made up their mind firmly from the o set on the basis of precious little information and a hefty dose of unmovable assumption.

As I said- a lifestyle choice. I would have to work at it and would have to drive a lot and have children ( and not ones that I particularly liked) in my house a lot, to replicate what they had in school.
If you can provide it easily and happily, without effort, then you are doing the right thing.
It was far easier for me to have them running around a muddy football pitch at school, make things with clay and put it in the kiln, have an allotment, learn French from an expert, do science experiments with Bunsen burners etc for free, without ferrying and without effort.
I admire people who can do it, but it isn't for everyone. Judging from MN I would say that I was more involved than many parents who are not even keen on getting paints out or letting their children cook.

Mine was in reply to morethanpotatoprints.

Very true, CarpeV. There is no need to respond to uninvited criticism. I can't see why everyone doesn't smile and say 'it suits us at the moment', there is no need to get drawn in to discussion - it isn't as if you will change minds.

Satin

Apologies if I sounded argumentative or snarky, just wanted to point out that it was different for us than you had posted above.
I am confused what you meant about having children in your house you don't particularly like?
I agree, some parents aren't at home letting their dc get paints and messy things out, let alone be involved with it themselves. There are others who embrace this type of thing.

I think that I have explained before that at school you see the same children everyday and pick your own friends. My mother didn't like my best friend when I was a child and I'm sure she would have thought once a week at Brownies quite sufficient! There is no way she would have organised daily contact for 5 hours or so, which is what we got. 50 yrs later she is still a friend. My children have had friends that I don't want to have around all the time, but at school it was no problem because I didn't have to see them.
Of course it is different for others, we are all different and so are children.

Going right back to page one I listed the things you would miss and then musicposy went through it all proving she does it all; she had missed my qualifier of you can do it all, it just takes more effort. OP's DCs are not missing anything- at that age I would find it easy to produce without effort. Some parents find it an effort at those ages. We are all different.

That was rather a long detailed list with only a small disclaimer tagged on, if you don't mind my saying, Satin. Hence Musicposy's list I thought rather useful in illustrating, just how those things can also be achieved via HE.

you can do it all, it just takes more effort.

I'm feeling hard done by. So far I've not found an educational choice that didn't require "more effort". (in this context "more effort" being defined as enough effort to be well beyond my effort related comfort zone)

I admire the parents of kids at Italian state school who have the time and patience to motivate/help their child wade through the mountains of homework and make sure social activities get enough time and attention and deal with all the poltics/red tape without losing track of missives/temper.

Home ed took me a lot of effort too. Left to my own devices sans "much much more effort" we ended up in pajmamas all day doing sweet FA. I had to work really just to creating the drive to do stuff, any stuff, in the absence of an externally imposed routine.

Internet school takes "more effort". I have to work more to pay for it and just like the home ed bit I have to keep my house realtively clean for guests....just so it can be buggered up by hoardes of young teens who are here to supplement the social life offered by youth club/sports club.

I'm choosing to believe all choices involve effort. Just a case of picking the effort flavour poisen that suits you best or is less likely to result in English wife shouting at Italian husband about "your bloddy country!"

Becuase that makes me feel better at seemingly being the only one without an "effort-lite" option.

I wish they popped out the womb pre educated. And weaned. And knowing how to sleep.

I would have put a bigger disclaimer written in bold had I realised that people were going to concentrate on the list and miss it!

Sending them to school requires effort too if you see it as a partnership and want them to do well. It just so happens it fits with the efforts that I wish to make-as I keep saying we are all different and no choice suits everyone and the choice you make today may not suit you in 10yrs time, I can't say what I want to be doing in 10 years time. I may want a complete life change!

Satin

Totally agree that sending them to school takes effort.

Getting up early in the morning, walking back and to twice daily, homework, going to bed early, following rules policies and procedures.
Too much hard work for us
No, seriously just got to a point where none of us could see a bonus tbh.

I keep saying-we are all different, it suited us. The nicest thing about my primary school was the very rural walk, twice a day through the seasons. I visited a couple of months ago and did the walk, real nostalgia, and it hadn't changed much.
That doesn't mean it should suit everyone.

Totally agree that school is hard work. He'd my ds until this academic year, mostly autonomously. We had always said that if he wanted to go to school, obviously he could, and it occurred to me that he wouldn't know if he wanted to go if he'd never set foot inside a school. (He did attend nursery, but a very play based one, not connected to a school). So, we organised a 'school trip' to our local school, and after a family chat, decided to commit to a year of school and then re-assess.

I thought that I would have massive swathes of time to 'get things done', and then have lots of lovely 'quality' time after school with ds. Not so! By the time he is home, has had a drink and a snack and a bit of down time it's all about the spellings, time tables, reading, getting it all organised again for the next day. Dinner, bath, bed! Hate it! (But don't let on to him, though)!

That said, I think he is benefiting hugely in some ways, mostly emotionally, learning that it's not the end of the world if another child says something nasty, and how to deal with it if they do. How to find his place 'in the pack' and that sometimes you just have to do things, whether you want to or not. I think that he would have learned these things had we continued to h.e, but probably later, with more reasoning and discussion and less experience.

I definitely feel that there are positives and negatives for both choices, and that is what you do at the end of the day - make a choice. How many children leave school having been failed in some way, big or small, by the 'system'? And yes, h.e is not going to be perfect or indeed suit every child.

As to the 'oddness' - yes I would describe my ds a bit unusual. But then he was as soon as he was able to speak, it is by no means a result of h.e, more that he was around adults 75% of the time and has a very adult way of speaking and reasoning. He is a great mimic, has a brilliant sense of humour and can be a complete pain in the ass when he puts his mind to it. That being said, he has fitted in very well at school, and seems to enjoy it most of the time.

I think that the biggest differences with h.e. are:

1. That you tend to question and evaluate your choices a lot more, i.e. is this still right for us, are we where we want to be, should we be doing things differently, etc. I have noticed with the parents of children who have only experienced school, there is often less likelihood that they would even contemplate doing something other than school unless there is a serious problem.
2. People seem to feel that they have the right to comment, sometimes very negatively and forcefully, on your choices, often when they have little direct experience of the situation themselves. And they tend to only be able to see the potential negative areas that may accompany a choice to h.e, (and as I said, there will always be negatives with any choice).

All you can do is make the assessment based on what's best for you and your family, and then have the courage of your convictions to follow through on that.

Should probably have mentioned that he is 8.

"People seem to feel that they have the right to comment, sometimes very negatively and forcefully, on your choices, often when they have little direct experience of the situation themselves. And they tend to only be able to see the potential negative areas that may accompany a choice to h.e, (and as I said, there will always be negatives with any choice)."

You could say the same of home educators who have never experienced the current school system and who totally dismiss it without knowing anything about it.

I don't home educate because basically I just don't want to. I wrote a lengthy explanation in a previous post so I won't give my other reasons again.

I think that people are just too conditioned to think you need to reply! There is absolutely no need to explain or try and talk them around. You just need to say something like ' we find it suits us at the moment' and change the subject. Repeat as necessary. Why feel the need to explain? If they don't like it you won't change their minds.
People keep going on about 'hard work'. Children are hard work and they change your life.
Everyone is different, I don't find it at all hard to stick to a routine but I do find it hard not to have silence, alone. Others are the exact opposite.
No system is perfect, perfectionists are difficult to live with anyway.
What suits your child at 5yrs may not suit at 8 yrs, 12 yrs, 15 yrs and it may not suit you in 10 years time.
Flexibility is the key.OP seems fine at the moment, she just needs to review at intervals, as does everyone. However HE isn't an option for many, they work full time in a demanding career.

From the children I used to know who were Home ed and aged from 9 to 17[lost touch with some now], they knew that they were quite "protected" and "insulated" from the outside world. 2 of them were going to go on to college, in fact 3 of them did, in part to get themselves back into mainstream.

fwiw, my opinion of Home Ed is that children lose a small chunk of risk. Perhaps they dont nowadays?

How do the home ed children lose risk?
Don't understand what your trying to say here.

Protected, yes is that not a parents job?
Insulated? Kept warm, not sure what you mean.

Some children want to fit in, some want to stand out, myself and some friends wanted to stand out, so was school bad for us.

They are "home" a lot.
By its very nature they are not "away" so much.

It depends on the type of parent. If you have one like a recent thread where they deemed a 4 year old holding a sparkler, under adult supervision, too dangerous then they are better off at school where they will let them do it, handle sharp knives etc.
If you have the sort of parent who sorts out every difficulty for them and never leaves them to cope themselves, they are better off in school.
If they never get on their own with friends to fall out and learn to solve disputes then they are better off at school.
HOWEVER most parents will be sensible enough not to wrap them in cotton wool and so they will be fine in HE.

"People seem to feel that they have the right to comment, sometimes very negatively and forcefully, on your choices, often when they have little direct experience of the situation themselves. And they tend to only be able to see the potential negative areas that may accompany a choice to h.e, (and as I said, there will always be negatives with any choice)."

The reason I said that is because my experience has been that of those I know who home educate (a fair few), I have never heard one of them comment negatively to another parent on their choice to educate their children in the school system, or question them at great length about how their choice might impact their child. However, this has happened repeatedly and regularly to me and other h.ers I know, some people bordering on offensive in some of the assumptions or insinuations they make. I have been quite shocked in fact about how fervent and personal some people have been in their criticism. However, you soon learn to take a deep breath and do as has been suggested, smile and say 'it suits us at the moment.'

And having tried both things, I was surprised at how much harder it was for me personally to do the whole 'school routine' thing, compared to my other experience of autonomous h.e. As it has been said, everyone is different. Agree with the flexibility thing, hence our ds has been to nursery and regularly left in a gym creche when younger, we went down the h.eing route for 3 years and for now we are visiting the 'school' option. Who knows what we'll be doing next year? Currently doing up a campervan, so maybe travelling the world!