what are my kids missing by not attending mainstream school

[redberries]

I have a four and six year old I'm constantly being told they are deprived because I home ed

In regards to the question about home ed kids being behind academically, it rather depends on the kids and the style of home education. My son has just gone back to school. He is in a year 7 class but is year 6 age. There is another previously home edded kid in the class who is year 8 age.
I don't think you can generalise about home educated kids any more than you can generalise about school kids. Some are ahead, some are behind.

You miss the amazing joy of being in your favourite class on a Friday afternoon with loads of other kids around you who have a shared experience, and nearly collapsing with laughter with your peers.

You miss learning how to negotiate through a school with all its groups and cliques, and getting the strength from finding your own way.
And no amount of youth orchestras and home ed groups can replicate that.

Head lice

oh god that's just reminded me of a dream I had last night that I had head lice .....

I personally find the replies more useful from those who have experienced both school and/or home ed. Those who have no experience of the latter, can only make a guess at what they think they might be missing.

I think I'm correct in saying that academically speaking, home ed kids do better than the general population. However, that doesn't adjust for the impact of parents. All Home ed parents are, by nature, invested in their children's education. Most are educated themselves. Therefore, to make it a fair comparison, you need to compare them with a cohort of students in mainstream education with similarly educated, similarly motivated parents.

Like sunnysummer we moved a lot so I have done both. School provided a place for me to be 'me', without my mother having set up/approved the activity, without her getting a report on every problem, without her being too involved in my life. You have to do things you are not interested in, and work with people you do not like or respect, and you have to get on with it. For me, school was freedom from my parents. And I love and get on very well with my parents.

You are being very defensive musicposy, if you read it properly I specifically said that you could do most of that in HE, just that you had to work at it and it was more expensive.
I agree with Caroline that you miss the shared experience and all the 'in' jokes and fun that a class has.

In fact my DD often seems less dependent on me than her schooled peers. She often turns up to events at her ballet school or youth theatre to find she is the only one who has taken herself there on the bus and is not being accompanied and watched by a parent! But of course those school peers will have been at school all day, where they are unaccompanied and unwatched by their parents... for them, this is their parents' chance to be involved in an important activity, rather than their time away.

HE is obviously far more parent-controlled than mainstream school. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the fact is that as an HE parent you have far more control over and involvement in your child's life and education. That's probably where the 'controlling' image comes in.

I think that the problem can be the parents who are doing it! Musicposy is at great pains to say how it works for them, which it obviously does, but it can be a disaster if you have a controlling, fearful parent, the sort on here who won't leave a 9 yr old at home for 10 mins alone, won't let them use a kettle or sharp knife etc. and isn't good at socialising themselves and hasn't much money. It depends whether they 'delegate' by sending to Scouts or Guides for life skills or similar organisations.
I am like Trianglecirclesquare and love my parents and siblings to bits and have a great relationship with them, and always have, but I needed a place to be 'me' and come across people with widely different backgrounds and experiences and opinions.
Like Bunbaker it isn't for me as an adult because I like the house completely to myself at times with absolute silence, I want to work, see friends, go o the dentist and the supermarket etc by myself. I admit to being selfish. I have also been thrilled at the way my children blossomed for other adults the way they wouldn't for me where getting them to write would have been a battle.
Great if it suits the adult and the child, but not everyone is suited and there are some parents doing it who are not doing their children any favours. I also think it is a way of life that you are committed to and not something to farm out when you haven't the time.
Like schools the good, bad and indifferent.

I think people commenting on how you choose to educate your kids are rude.

However, since you asked, I didn't consider home ed because I wanted my kids to have their own lives away from home. I think I would have given them a better education and I know we would have had more opportunities to enrich their education. I just felt that it was good for them to get out the house and go to school everyday IYSWIM.

I think that people are rude, but it is a fact that they do it. People are far too polite and think they have to explain. I think they would find life much easier to merely smile and say 'it suits us at the moment' and change the subject. Someone who doesn't like the idea is hardly going to listen and change their mind, therefore why start?
It is insecurity, they think it might be better than their choices! I have had people query my school choices but it doesn't bother me because they were the right choices for us.
Musicposy nitpicked her way through my entire list despite me saying
you can do it all, but it takes a lot of effort on a daily basis. However I can't really critise for being defensive if you are continually questioned.

at the ages of 4 and 6, I really don't they are missing anything of importance. In fact I would say they are very lucky. The worries that they may be missing out on facilities etc would come later - secondary for me.

It depends how effective a teacher you are, doesn't it? Without knowing the quality of your teaching, it's hard to say.

Your DC would miss out on working/playing with other children and authority.

being bullied by nasty dinner ladies and obese SENCO's

Love it!! What about the SENCOs who aren't obese? Do they tend not to be bullies

Provided that you take them regularly to events where they will mix with outher children - most areas have home ed 'support groups' that organsie such things - then your kids should be fine. I assume you have set some aims for the week/month/year, and so long as they are challenging enough that your kids will be engaged and interested - well, they will learn what they need to.

I would home ed if my DD was unhappy at school (not old enough yet), but i'd rather she was in school as I doubt I'd be as good a teacher as those at the school we have picked for her, and I would prefer to go to work.

At the ages they are I wouldn't say they were missing anything, and parents are all important at that stage. It depends if you are asking for just now or if you intend to do it for the whole of primary and secondary.
The most successful seem to me to be those whose children can slot into and out of school quite seamlessly.

Different strokes for different folks. I am a teacher, had no intention of HE'ing, now have 2 DC with different SEN's. One is thriving in nursery and at the moment we are fully intending for her to attend school whereas my son was so stressed having to go to school. In that state, there's going to be no learning going on, no 'laughs on a Friday afternoon', no 'getting the in jokes' whereas now he laughs every afternoon, can meet socially in groups that he feels comfortable with and is learning beyond any expectations that teachers at his school had for him.
I used to be bothered about what people thought but I couldn't give two hoots now and as for gaining independence, some children need to be taught this appropriately rather than expect it to happen by being thrown in with a pack of
children the same age.
School isn't all it's cracked up to be, I can assure you. You can be surrounded by 30 classmates but feel like the loneliest child in the world or have 2-3 playmates and feel on top of the world. However needs are best met is the right option although school apparently can meet all needs 'hmmm'.
And as for HE children being 'odd' well, lets hope those children who have attended school have learnt that there is a place in society for everyone, odd or not!

"Many of the HE children I have encountered are rather odd."

I thought it was worth commenting on this - we've considered taking dd out of school at different points because it really hasn't been working for her. I think many people meeting her would find her a bit odd, for example she uses a very adult vocabulary and has done from a young age - if she was HEd, they'd then assume that was the reason.

Whereas in practice it would be the other way round - a lot of her problems with primary school stemmed from being too far away from the average: ie, a bit odd.

(Thankfully, she is much happier in secondary so far!)

Sorry, forgot the key point of my post! Lots of HE dc are at home because they / their parents want to do things that way. But there are also a lot of HE kids who are there because school just didn't work for them - potentially because they are what an outside observer might consider 'a bit odd'

And should also say that dd is very nice and boringly ordinary if you get to know her properly

at the moment nothing.

in the future, I would be concerned that if they were quite sociable and weren't getting enough social activities, then it would be a shame.

HE is the down to the parent, and what the parent presents to the child. I have a friend whose child doesn't see other kids very often and i think that's sad.
I feel she has no choice but to be a loner.

I think you have to look at your child and what suits them- school can't possibly suit all and HE can't suit all. They are all so different. I have seen children at school who would be much better off in HE and vice versa. Unfortunately many can't get what suits them best, for a wide variety of reasons.

Only you know what your do with your children and how much they mix with others. If you are confident in what you are doing then that's fine.
There are children attending school that never get to go school trips course there parents can't afford it and don't want to take charity.
There are children that attend school and have no friends, get picked on course they smell, have shabby clothes. I have meet many odd adults, non of which were home educated. Prisons are full of state educated adults that did not turn out all that well.
How you parent is what is important, and that will not change weather you home ed or send them to school.

At least with home ed you can holiday when you like, not worry about uniform, stay in your pj's and do reading in bed, play out as soon as it snows, stop whatever your doing when your child asks you all them questions.
Good luck.

I think a combination of school and HE can work well. That way, a child gets a sense of perspective about exams, authority, pressure to conform (both from peers and from the system) etc. I think it is healthy for children to know that school is not the be all and end all.

At the same time, school gives children a chance to learn to cope with the crap that life throws at them, and as long as they are feeling ok about it, I think that can protect them from the "oddness" mentioned earlier.

I am not implying that there is anything wrong with being odd, but my HE son always comments on the way that HE kids stick out at his Junior Conservatoire, at summer camp, and in other such group situations.