Is it a myth that School "socializes"?

[swanthingafteranother]

I have three dcs who have been through primary. Two have failed to make any close friends, although they have acquaintance/friends. One (dd, 10) has three close friends. They all seem to quite enjoy school because it gives them a framework in which to see people. However, I would not say that school has given them "socialising skills" as such. These were innate. My eldest has gone to secondary and now has behaviour problems due to misunderstanding other people, talking AT them etc. He still likes school though, but the "friends" have not materialised. He was just crying last night because an old acquaintance hadn't invited him to his party.

I suppose I am just feeling that school offers all sorts of things, but to claim it makes children better at getting on with people is wrong.

Ds2 has ASD recently diagnosed. He likes school - he likes being busy, and he likes structure/teachers. But his academic work is suffering through lack of close supervision.
So far no-one has ever invited him round for a playdate (he is 10), and he only gets invited to one or two parties a year. So from a socialization point of view school has achieved very little.

So why do people bang on about how school teaches you to make friends. I wonder if it doesn't create this artificial environment where children make friends despite being in a classroom.

There are however exactly the same mix of personalities in HE as at school. One isn't better - you pick what is best for your DC. As a very shy, unsporty, bookish DC I was very pleased to be in school - another DC like me might prefer to be HEed. It is merely an option - nothing more.

I don't think HE is merely an option but a lifestyle choice.

It is an option in education BUT one that necessitated a lifestyle choice so it isn't open to all. Private education is merely an option but necessitates a certain income and so isn't open to all. State education is an option that many of us actively choose but many have to have as the default position.

Exotic. I totally agree about the sleepovers etc. I can see that the social side of high school friends would not be what dd would like at all. Atm her primary school friends parents allow sleepovers only during holidays. many prefering family time or they don't fit in with activities such as dancing, church, sports etc. Unfortunately, a lot of these activities are dropped when High school begins and the pack becomes the social scene. She has already said she wouldn't want to hang around town, park, Youth Clubs, or in a lot of cases drink and drugs.
The school plot thickens as well. DD went to choir last night and several asked why she hadn't gone to an event run by a top local Orchestra, in conjuntion with borough schools. Her school as usual had not included themselves in this and dd would have loved it. I think her school would ban music if they were allowed, lol.

Colleger, forgot to add. I too think it is a lifestyle choice and we intend to see it as such. When we encourage our dcs to have enquiring minds and take responsibility for learning, when they ask a question we won't be able to say oh home ed has finished now. Even though we are happy to help when they attend school, I think there is a tendancy to sometimes respond half heartedly for many reasons. I know I have done this when busy, pre occupied, tired, or just chilling.

It's fine to still have periods of half heartedness. Kids need to learn that we do find them boring from time to time! Lol!

Well said. @exotic.

yes I think it a myth. Some dc have very positive socialising skills which will be obtained outside of school IMO (in the home, in the extended family, in any other smaller regular groups where these dc mix with people of different age groups such as guides/scouts, sport, church groups and other places where regular contact with older people is established based on a relationship of trust and being accepted). I believe that dc on the whole learn social skills (good and bad) from adults but in most schools the dc-teacher ratio and the distance in relationship between pupils and teachers at school make teachers less likely to be the main influence. Hopefully these positive skills are transferred to school life, however I don't believe that is where they are learnt.

mind you having said that, it is not the case that dc don't learn from dc but you learn how to be a good friend by being a friend and just doing it, making mistakes, trying to sort things out, etc and most dc at primary don't need close friendships with more than a handful of dc, if that.

Very true ZZZenAgain-and where ever they happen to be educated they need time alone without adults- to learn how to be a good friend with their own peer group-while the parents let them get on with it.
In my childhood it was so much easier-you just went out and as long as you were back for meals you were free-and all without mobile phones. I accept that you can't do it any more-but it is sad they don't get much freedom away from adult supervision. You work out that you might have only a few close friends, but that you can play with a much wider group.