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Original poster

We are now looking for a flexi school place for Lucy. Very mixed feelings.

37 replies

mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 21:14

Hi, things have got quite bad for us recently. My DH has said he never looks forward to comming home anymore because Lucy is so full on and won't let us have any peace together. Sad
He doesn't want her to go to a child minder as he wouldn't be able to trust anyone he doesn't know very well.

I must admit, I find it extreamly hard. It's totally draining. I've got to the stage that even if she does something good, I struggle to summon the enthusiasm to praise her.
She hasn't made any progress accademically in the last 18 months. Her speech and understanding of language have improved, but she still can't do very basic maths on her own, eg 3+1=. She's getting there with phonics sounds but can't read. I do feel I've let her down, as I thought there was no rush to learn all this. We haven't been doing very much. I'm not sure how she'll be able to cope in a class of other 7 year olds. She also has toileting issues, constipation and regula wetting and soiling. She won't tell anyone either, you only know if you smell her. Which would be awful if it was another child that smelled it.

One part of me thinks it'll be good for her. She's such a friendly charactor and would love to make new friends and see them regulally, but I do worry about bullying, due to the toileting, SEN's and her speech.

I know it has to be done, as our marrage is so important. Lucy's world would fall appart if we split up. I'm sure it wouldn't come to that, but you never know. I don't want to take that risk.

Does anyone have any info on negotiating a flexi school place? Or any advice as to her starting school. She doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 21:37

Bump

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 14/06/2012 21:47

The first thing to do is look at schools. Do you have one in mind? Have you got one with a good reputation for SN? Some are much better than others.
Make appointments and speak to the Head about the problems. It sounds to me as if she needs a statement to get additional support - has she ever had one?

thisisyesterday · 14/06/2012 21:51

have you looked at special schools?

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 22:17

We have seen our local school, 3 years ago. We did like it so we've made an appointment with the head. It has a unit for SEN's.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 14/06/2012 22:23

That is your starting point then. Write down all your questions before you go- it is easy to forget them once you are there.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 22:25

I'm really not sure about a special school for her. Her speech therapist recommended one. She is a mimic though and would pick up a lot of behaviours and traits. Her choice of friends tend to be either older than her or very intellegent. I think she feels safer and more confident with them.

OP posts:
Colleger · 14/06/2012 22:30

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you but I think your husband is being totally unreasonable. By all means get some respite, get a childminder (if your marriage is important just get one!) but who is the child that needs ultimate care - Lucy, or is it your husband?

I also think you're making the situation impossible by saying you can't get a childminder, she can't go to a special school. Decide what's important and stop putting obstacles in the way.

ilovemountains · 14/06/2012 22:36

I know this is very difficult for you, but I think you should visit some special schools. They may be perfect for your daughter, and she may make some real friends of her own age.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 22:38

You're right. I suppose I am putting obsticles in the way. I'm full of what ifs. We could view the special school too and meet a few CM's. At least we'd be able to make a more informed choice.

I'm wondering if we should get her assessed again too, so they can see what level she's at.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 14/06/2012 22:43

absolutely. never rule something out without seeing it.
if you look round and decide it's really not for her then you've made an informed decision haven't you?

check out ALL the options, and then it'll be much easier to decide how to move forward.

is she under a paediatrician at the moment?

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 22:45

Not at the moment.

OP posts:
Colleger · 14/06/2012 22:47

I've always had quite a quirky son and he's never fitted well into certain environments. I sent him to a school which is full of kids far quirkier than him and I was worried that he'd get more quirky. It's actually had the opposite effect. The staff think he's great, view him as super intelligent, mature and decent compared to most of his peers. This has had a knock on effect on his confidence, self-esteem and behaviour. I also know some high functioning autistics thriving in special schools and unless you knew them you wouldn't know they were autistic. But their parents all say that they were not like that before going to the school.

But, if your husband is only seeing your daughter in the evenings then that won't change if she's at school and his attitude and reaction to her has to change. Maybe some counselling for him would be good. A child doesn't ruin a marriage. How and ADULT reacts to a situation does!

ilovemountains · 14/06/2012 22:47

Another assessment sounds an excellent idea. There is a chance a special school will be perfect, please don't rule it out.

chocolatecrispies · 14/06/2012 22:48

I have worked in some really lovely and caring special schools so don't rule them out. However I really would consider childminders or even a part time nanny particularly if the problem is not getting time off - they might be able to do some weekends or evenings which school will not!

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 22:53

I'll see if I can get her assessed again, and make an appointment to view the special school too.

My DH has 2 days off during the week and works weekends. He's self employed, so he can choose.

OP posts:
ilovemountains · 14/06/2012 23:00

Good luck, hopefully things will improve for you and Lucy.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 14/06/2012 23:06

Thank you. Smile

OP posts:
Saracen · 15/06/2012 00:56

"He doesn't want her to go to a child minder as he wouldn't be able to trust anyone he doesn't know very well."

I guess this means your husband has ruled out school too? What is his preferred solution, or does he not have any ideas?

wentshopping · 15/06/2012 01:32

I stumbled across this when looking at the active list.. I don't know what your dd's quirks are, but thought you might like to hear my dd's experience. My dd has cerebral palsy, is non-verbal, incontinent, uses a wheelchair... but has typical intelligence (ok, she's really clever Wink). We live in the US, and so the going to school system is different from where you are (UK I assume?) but, because of her sn, she was caught up into the school system from the age of 3. To start with she attended special school, but "outgrew" each class she was in, so that by the age of 5 she was in regular education. She is now 10, and has been with her peer group for the past 5 years. No one ever comments on her nappy/pullups; no one ever mentions that she might be a bit "stinky"; no one even minds that she drools. She has a wide group of friends, who push her chair round, have learnt how to communicate with her, include her with everything. At the start of each school year there is always a new kid who will ask about why she is sitting in a chair, why she farts randomly etc and the others just fiercely defend her. I would not worry about the other 7 year olds - at that age they are still so accepting - if you find a school where the adults are supportive, the rest will follow.

julienoshoes · 15/06/2012 06:49

"He doesn't want her to go to a child minder as he wouldn't be able to trust anyone he doesn't know very well."

Will he know every teacher/teaching assistant in the school he wants her to attend?

I don't see the difference between one CRB checked child professional and another myself. If my child had severe SEN, I'd rather they were looked after by just one person, who could get to know her really well, rather being at the hands of many.

My children have been with a CM and in a nursery school-and I know where they were MUCH happier-and it wasn't in school!

exoticfruits · 15/06/2012 07:19

I would say that your starting point is the school that is local and that you liked 3 years ago. Many are excellent at dealing with SN. I know a DD with similar toilet problems and they managed to cater for her without any fuss.
I wouldn't assume that she would be bullied, you need to find out what the school will do to be inclusive. I would be perfectly honest when you see the Head and tell him/her all your fears. I wouldn't take DD with you on the first appointment- so that you can talk openly. If you like it I would make another appointment to see the SENCO and then take her to see how she likes it.
She if she can be flexi time to start with to ease in gently.
I can't see any point in going to a CM, other than giving you a break (and your DH a break). You have been posting for some time about HE and it clearly isn't working.
If you can't find a school to meet her needs thenI would explore local HE groups to see what can be done to support both of you. You seem very alone at the moment, which clearly isn't good for you or your DD.

LIZS · 15/06/2012 07:46

Agree with the others , look at all the options - may be a ms school, maybe a special school, maybe something else. Staff who are experienced with SEN children and sympathetic will know what they can and can't cope with and ask how they would create an environment of tolerance towards her.

Have you applied for a Statement , if not set it in motion asap, then the school can recruit a TA to help if needs be. That may give you a point of continuity in that she/he could meet Lucy at home first and help with the transition. It seems to me you have struggling for a while and actually the structure of school life may be what she needs and relive your stress as well as your husband's. Above all you and your dh need to put a positive spin on this, otherwise she will pick up on your reservations.

LIZS · 15/06/2012 08:10

sorry "relieve your stress"

Few CM's are geared up towards children of your dd's age for any length of time on their own, let alone one with her SEN/SN, so wouldn't consider this a viable long term option. Also bear in mind there are other countries where formal learning doesn't happen until 7 anyway (although foundations are laid down earlier in a less structured way) so there is still time for her to develop and she could yet surprise you.

maggi · 15/06/2012 08:12

I agree with julienoshoes - what is the difference between a teacher and a childminder, they are both initially strangers. I have found parents form a very open and close (is close the right word?) with me as a childminder and we chat morning and afternoon. Teachers are difficult to get to talk to even once a week and then its a snatched conversation at the doorway whilst they are trying to let other children in or out with everyone able to overhear. I adapt the day to the children (not possible in school) and I take children out on trips everyday to a variety of venues. In fact childminders excel at providing for the needs of SEN children. But obviously chose carefully as there are less skilled childminders the same as there are poor teachers. You don't get to chose which teacher you get and you have to swap teachers every year.

exoticfruits · 15/06/2012 08:53

It isn't a question of the teacher v CM -it is all the other social interaction. Unless the CM has other DCs of a similar age and is going to be out and about meeting the DD is going to be just as isolated as she is at the moment.
Mummyloveslucy has been posting for some time about her situation-even in her OP she says that she is drained, finds it hard and can't summon any enthusiasm.
julienoshoes has good advice if OP had the sort of community that she enjoys- but quite clearly she hasn't in her area. Unless she can find it she is very isolated, with no support and a DH who is finding it far too stressful. It is taking away all the joy that they should be finding in parenthood.
How many 7yr olds, and over, do you have during the daytime maggi and do you get them out and about-in the school day? In my area CMs appear to have preschoolers and collect older DCs from school.
I would have thought the first thing that OP needs is a statement. If she had funding for a TA in school it would be an enormous help-even if only part of the time.
The next step is to explore possibilities to end the isolation-school or HE -but either needs to be supportive-not only of Lucy but of her mother.
Telling her to carry on as she is and get a CM isn't going to improve the situation.