We are now looking for a flexi school place for Lucy. Very mixed feelings.

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, things have got quite bad for us recently. My DH has said he never looks forward to comming home anymore because Lucy is so full on and won't let us have any peace together.
He doesn't want her to go to a child minder as he wouldn't be able to trust anyone he doesn't know very well.

I must admit, I find it extreamly hard. It's totally draining. I've got to the stage that even if she does something good, I struggle to summon the enthusiasm to praise her.
She hasn't made any progress accademically in the last 18 months. Her speech and understanding of language have improved, but she still can't do very basic maths on her own, eg 3+1=. She's getting there with phonics sounds but can't read. I do feel I've let her down, as I thought there was no rush to learn all this. We haven't been doing very much. I'm not sure how she'll be able to cope in a class of other 7 year olds. She also has toileting issues, constipation and regula wetting and soiling. She won't tell anyone either, you only know if you smell her. Which would be awful if it was another child that smelled it.

One part of me thinks it'll be good for her. She's such a friendly charactor and would love to make new friends and see them regulally, but I do worry about bullying, due to the toileting, SEN's and her speech.

I know it has to be done, as our marrage is so important. Lucy's world would fall appart if we split up. I'm sure it wouldn't come to that, but you never know. I don't want to take that risk.

Does anyone have any info on negotiating a flexi school place? Or any advice as to her starting school. She doesn't want to go.

mummyloveslucy
Most special schools are a double edged sword. The majority of children in special schools do not do GCSE. Many children in special schools suffer from low expectations and do not achieve as much academically as they could. Special schools tend to focus on developing life and social skills. Seven years old is very young to close the door on the possiblity of doing GCSEs.

If you go down the special school route you need to look at the school carefully and ask the destination of the school leavers.

I suggest you take lucy to an ed pych to get a professional opinon on which school is best for Lucy. Maybe a mainstream school with a language unit would be best for her. She would get a normal curriculum and access to specialist staff.

In the short term, do you think some tutoring might help Lucy? Prehaps something like Explore Learning or Kip would give you a break for a couple of hours a week and help Lucy academically.

I would get the professional opinion before you make any decisions.

I think your dh is being pretty unreasonable tbh.

He tells you things have to change and yet gives no advice/help?

Check out ALL options (ideally with your dh); CMs, MS Schools, S schools, nannies, au pairs etc...I am sure there must be some CMs./nannies who specilise in looking after dc with sn...

Hi MLL
I dont think you should worry about the academic side of things atm (not if you continue to HE anyway)
My dd is the same age as yours and has problems with speech, reading and maths but Im not worried (and I have told you this several times before!)
Im not worried because she is only 7 (actually she turned 8 last week! how did that happen?!?! ) Im convinced my dd will get to wherever is right for her eventually.

All children develop at different rates.
I wouldnt worry that you feel she hasnt learnt anything in 18mo either - she has, just not the things you were expecting! I guarantee she has learnt something. I find it sad that parents worry about the rush to learn everything, be academically advanced, read shakespeare and do trigonometry (before they are 6!) Childhood should not be a rush, it should be fun and happy.

It sounds to me like she is not keen to go to school (and the toileting issues are unlikely to make it easy for her if she does). Its obvious you need more support and more time to be yourself and more time to be with your husband.

If I lived near you I would offer to have her over to our house for a morning/afternoon each week - to play with my HE kids and give you a break. I would be offering you suggestions about how to organise your day to enable you all to be happier. I dont live near you though so cant be much help there.
Are there no local HErs you have bonded with?
Could Lucy go to a local afterschool club every day to give you an hour or so break each afternoon? - It sounds like being with other kids more would give her the chance to burn off a load of energy and excitement?

What time does she go to bed? Can you not be alone with your husband after 8pm once she is in bed?
I would also try the first half an hour after daddy comes home, her pays her lots of attention then the next half an hour she spends in her room (because its mummy and daddys time to be alone) then all together?
We use sand timers a lot in this house to help both my dc to understand that until the sand runs out we will/wont be doing whatever.............

I hope you find a solution that works for all of you soon.

I don't think that DH is being unreasonable-if he knew the answers he would be suggesting them.
It appears to me to be a family, under a great amount of stress, who don't know what to do for the best. Looking back over various threads they keep trying something new, that looks as if it will help, and then it doesn't and something new is tried. Mummyloveslucy doesn't even seem to have the support of extended family.
I would start with Gov Direct Website for SN
Another site which might help explains the role of the physiologist
I feel sure that the starting point is finding out her SN and then making decisions -you don't want to start another school just to find it is the wrong one. I would check out the one that you have in mind, but don't take Lucy-and don't even mention that you are looking at it because it may well be unsuitable.

sorry -psychologist

On my second link -you won't be doing it through school. Perhaps your GP could help?

". I would check out the one that you have in mind, but don't take Lucy-and don't even mention that you are looking at it because it may well be unsuitable."

A good school will want a parent to check that its suitable. Its worth having an appointment with the SENCO and see what the school would offer Lucy.

Could you contact the educational welfare officer as you are home educating? They might be able to refer Lucy to an ed pych. A good educational welfare officer might help you in your request for flexi schooling.

iirc MLL works shifts , sometimes at night, so that may well limit the time she and her dh can spend exclusively together. However L has spent time with other family members but they sound equally frustrated at times re. diet and how best to stimulate her. Agree with others that the relative isolation (rural and not sure if you drive?) may well not be helping your predicament. Would you be able to move if you were confident it would improve her educational and social opportunities ?

Thanks everyone. Lots of things to think about. We'll definatly explore every option. I think I will also get her a tutor for now. That way, it'll get her back into the way of formal learning and it would give the school some idea of what level she's at.
If we were going to HE her forever, I wouldn't be pushing the formal learning yet. It's just so she won't be as behind at school.
I think my DH would trust a teacher more than a CM as he's worried a CM might just put her in front of the TV most of the time and not give her the same attention we would. (His words)

Oh and I don't drive. There is a bus, but it's about 20 mins walk to the bus stop and back. We do get out every day, we have to!
Lucy does go to bed at about 7/8pm so we do get the evenings free. He's usually on the computor though.