Autonomous Home Based Education.

[julienoshoes]

Okay- I am not looking for a discussion over whether the choice to HE or not, is right.
I'm not looking for comments about school either, as it would be irrelevant to Autonomous HE unless a child requested to go.
I'm not even looking for comments about whether HE should be parent led, or child led.
You each make the choice that is right for you family, as far as I am concerned.

But as a result of the recent boost in members on the Mumsnet HE FaceBook page, (where any style of home educator is welcome-or those interested in becoming one) and questions asked there, I went looking for something I'd posted elsewhere.
For those of you interested in an Autonomous style of home education, I thought this might give you a little insight into 'our' AE:

Autonomous home education fascinates me-you never know where you are going to end up in any one day. I could be helping with sociology statistics, or with revising psychology theories. We could be involved in painting a Warhammer figure, doing a piece of ?Batik? or making a rag rug. We have taken long, long walks and talked and talked and talked. I have helped to write a poem on a beautiful hillside in Malvern and helped to Lucy to commit it to memory to be performed at a Street Festival. I have learned to milk a goat. We helped to take down a tee pee in the valley of the river Wye. I have helped to make electrical circuits and bath bombs. We have curled up in bed, reading stories for hours on end, on wintry days and made igloos in the snow on a snowy day. We have been fossil hunting on a beach in the sun and the rain! In short all the wonderful things other parents of schooled children, get to do for short periods between school, home work and bed, and in school holidays, we get to do all day if we want ;o)

Colleger
I wasn't always the laid back autonomous HE/consensually living mum.
I've done more conventional parenting and come to similar conclusions as you......although not as soon as you as we did have explosive teenage years with my stepson, who I love dearly and consider one of 'our' children.
I was more conventional when my youngest was very small, but i too woke up and decided that i didn't like the way it was going and looked for something we were all happier with.
That's when all that "Can we start again please?" stuff started.

Then we found HE....and went to HesFes. I went along to a TCS (autonomous living) workshop and came back and said,
"Well I don't believe in that stuff"
My dear (AE) friend said "That really is quite obvious Julie!"
I was still 'in charge' they did as they were told or else....
But it did sink in that there could be a better way for us, by talking to other home educators, who had trod the path before me.

So I literally had a family meeting with the children and told them my feelings and why.
We decided to give it a serious try.
They as much as me, came up with the mutual respect thing, it went along well with how we had already been working and it just felt like the next step if you see what I mean.

I talked a lot to AE friends and was lucky to be able to talk to Jan Fortune-Wood who was in our social circle (thank goodness) Her books might help you?
"Packed with practical insight into how to live well with our children and how to find solutions that don't involve cycles of conflict. The most optimistic and achievable parenting book you will ever read."

My hubby had a longer journey to get here than me, he had had a much stricter childhood, but in little steps and by seeing it working for me and the children, he got there.
I'd just keep reminding him that mutual respect was what he really wanted, and of all of the angst of our older sons teenage years.

Our children know we are not perfect, but that we are trying to get it right for them and us, and our lives are so much happier now.

Remember it is a two way thing though, you may find your child coming up and saying as my dd2 did yesterday
"Julie you are sounding really stressed, is there anything I can do to help that? Do you think you need some Female Essence?"

And thanks to Saracen for reassuring me that things get easier as they get older. I'm off to investigate getting creative with child care.

So would I be right in assuming that a radical autonomous approach to socialisation/ behaviour has to be adopted by the whole family and be a way of life from the off set. I think the ones who have managed this deserve our admiration as I fear I won't be able to do it. Just the thought of changing the way I react to challenging behaviour has made my older 2 dcs ask if I have lost sense of my marbles. One of them I could reason with as he is open minded (and doing A level psychology), he wouldn't agree though, the other 20 year old, forget it. Dh would accuse me of going soft. All three would accuse me of favouritism. Please nobody think I am being critical of an approach that obviously works for many, and being honest I definitely want to take an autonomous approach to education and dd's learning. Would this be practical or does the same approach need to be taken for everything the child learns.

Julie, my sincerest apologies I hadn't read your post before I posted. It looks like I didn't listen to a word, sorry.

sometimes I talk to women who wanted to bf their first child, but couldn't (for whatever reason). and then they have a second and (for whatever reason), they can. And they feel guilty. Because their second child is getting (what they consider to be) a better deal. Should they stop breastfeeding the second just to be fair? Should they heck as like.

the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Do some quiet reading - Jan FW (yes yes yes - I am quite the fan, even though her writing style isn't great). Read around some TCS-y blogs by actual parents (mine is here it's been pretty much dormant for a couple of years, but there are lots of older posts which play around with all these ideas. ask questions there, PM me... happy to help.

No. I wasn't always this way, and our children were (unfortunately) schooled for too many years....

My stepson does say that the younger three have it much easier than he did....and I agree totally. I say

"You are right, and my step grandchildren have it easier too, do you know, by the time I have biological grandchildren, I might be quite good at this parenting lark! They have all benefited from the experiences gained from parenting you...thank you!"

and yes I do know of people who are autonomous educators, but have more rules than I do in the rest of their life.
Each family should do what is right for them at that time IMO......but you might find you are moving along on a journey to autonomous living anyway....

Morethanpotatoprints touches on an issue I have. One child is at a very expensive boarding school. I wish he wasn't but its too late now and he wants to remain there - he has five years left. I had a long chat with him not that long ago and siad in a gentle way that if he continues to do the bare minimum then I'm not wasting any more money. I know that sounds very harsh but I explained that he can't just expect to get something for nothing, especially when there are cheaper and just as good options out there and that we're crippling ourselves to send him there so expect a little bit of give and take because we love him and think he's worth it.

So if I expect this from one child but let the AE child be free I'm not sure if I can do that. Surely my whole attitude to life must change. My school child would become resentful and if I said that if he's at this school I expect a certain amount of willing from him (nothing OTT) but, if he wants me to not be like that then he can be HE, I think he'll become very bitter. So in that instance maybe I shouldn't AE my other child. Of course I'll be more chilled but not AE.

Colleger I think you are giving your DS a fair choice in that senario. You are not saying "you must go to boarding school and do it this way...." You are saying "if you want to stay at boarding school, then this is what you need to do..."It's in his hands so he couldn't resent you.

Thanks for your reply to my question Fiona. you certainly did intervene, then, and also gave him a 'natural consequence' by removing him from the scene for a while.

Julie I am finding your posts incredibly interesting and inspiring, especially to read that you weren't always like this (and therefore there's hope for me yet!). I still think I'm a long way away from AE, but this thread is giving me ideas and inspiration as to how to make positive changes here.

Thank you NonAstemia!

When I said "My dear (AE) friend said "That really is quite obvious Julie!""

she actually roared with laughter I was SO very far from AE!

I'm only here because of the patience of dear AE friends who showed me the way too!

Youths posts over the last few days have been amazing. Many of you have been so generous with your time!