Help me prepare to suggest HE to reluctant DW

[confidence]

My DD (5) is currently in a local infants school that we are pretty happy with. When she leaves there at the end of year 2 (in just under 2 years) I would really like to consider home educating her. Primarily because:

• the junior school alternatives here are pretty dire

• she is academically MILES ahead of any of her peers, and going by my experience with her older brother, I just don't trust state primaries like those around here to actually educate her.

• she is extremely able and motivated at music, and I'd like her to have some time during the crucial early years to put her very best into that without going to school, wasting the best hours of every day and getting knackered in the process.

Both DW and myself are self-employed and make our own hours around parenting duties, so in a sense we're in an ideal position to do it. The problem is that DW is much more conservative than me and tends to be reluctant to challenge the status quo. We did discuss this before when DD was a toddler and her main objections were the old saw about socialisation, and the fact that teaching requires so much preparation, and she wouldn't have the time to do it properly and doesn't really want to be her daughter's teacher anyway. TBH though I think the root of her objection is more of a generalised desire to follow the crowd and she'll always find arguments to justify that.

However we just had a conversation with a friend, also a parent, the subject of poor school choice came up and DW seemed very unhappy with any of the possibilities. I made an off-hand comment that "perhaps we should start a free school" (although I don't honestly see this as an option) and both she and friend made very positive noises about the idea. So I'm sensing a chance. One factor is that we are in a grammar area, and DD looks already like she'll walk the 11+. So I could sell the fact that she'll end up with a "normal" secondary education, as making it easier to swallow a bit of risk and experiment at this stage.

TBH I've been thinking about this for ages without mentioning it to DW, because I know there's just be a kneejerk reaction against it and I want to be prepared, and do it at the right time armed with the right counter-arguments. Did anyone here have to convince a reluctant partner who just wanted to do things the "normal" way? What sort of objections did they bring up? How did you bring them round?

Thanks in advance.

OP, nothing wrong with wanting to HE.

However, I for one feel uncomfortable about you putting pressure on your DW to do (part of) the home schooling. That's just not fair, and it will be hard for her if it is something she does not, deep down, believe is the best option.

I don't like the way you dismiss her arguments either as "wanting to follow the crowd".

Why don't you sit down and listen to HER ideas on education, as well as talking about yours?

One of the parents can take the initiative, sure, but it isn't reasonable of them to expect the other parent to do a large share of the home educating if she isn't happy or confident about doing that. The wife's opinions are equally valid and home education might not be for her. It may or may not be beneficial for the daughter - perhaps this girl does not want to leave her school?
And it's not just about the child's interests. If it isn't in the wife's interests she will be resentful at being forced into it and then it definitely won't work.

The thing is it depends how your DW actually feels about it, without having a conversation with her first you're only guessing.

If my DP brought it up, I'd say no and give him similar reasons that your DW has given you and expect him to listen to that.

I wouldn't say absolutely not, that is not what I want for my children (I'm not opposed to it on principle, just that it's not something I would choose except in an absolutely desperate situation for my DC) and if you think that's an option we're going to have the mother of all arguments, lol.

She could have meant anything from that, to, no - I'm worried about these things, but I'm willing to consider it.

You need to talk to her properly first and then see where you're heading from that conversation, surely?

It does take long! It is a long term commitment! It is not in the interest of the child to be home educated by parents that are not able to make a long term commitment to it.
And it isn't just about what the child does best. A well rounded education needs to be provided. She can't play the piano all day long.
Perhaps his wife will be amenable to the idea under certain conditions. Perhaps she wont. But if she says she doesn't want to do it, that doesn't mean that she doesn't have her daughter's best interests at heart.

Thanks everybody, lots of interesting thoughts here.

Can I make one thing clear so we can move on? There is no question of me railroading or unfairly "forcing" my wife into doing this. Maybe I didn't express myself fully in the OP, but exoticfruits and others are way off beam on that.

Yes, I am in favour of it and yes, based on our conversation a few years ago, she is probably not. Yes, I want to put my view as well as possible to her and address her concerns as well as possible to try and talk her round. So what? Marriages and families are full of situations like that. People discuss things, change their minds or compromise, or not. If the end result is that we're not all happy with HE, then of course we won't do it.

I also take the point about not dismissing her concerns. I'm sorry if I sounded dismissive in describing her as conservative or following the status quo, but that's just the way it is. It's just a character trait, not a devastating accusation. In many situations it's valuable and appropriate - and who knows it may end up being the way forward here. But as things stand, there is a coinflict between this character trait of hers and my character, which is more williing to go outside the box (maybe too much so).

Confidence,

Well said!

It does take a long time! My friend was full of enthusiasm when she started-15yrs on she is bored and wants to do things for herself, but is stuck with it. You can't never send a DC to school and then change your mind when you have had enough! You can only do it if the DC wants to-and her youngest doesn't. (15yrs is a long time-I presume that is what Katandkit meant-she wasn't talking about the day. It doesn't matter how intelligently you use the time-it is a long term commitment and you can't assume that your DD will want to go back at 11yrs or even 16yrs)

Betelguese, I am finding your strings of posts one after the other rather inhibiting.

Confidence, FWIW, I have EHEed my DC from birth. They are now 19 and 17 (so I'm almost finished). Both of my DC are reasonably academic - the older one is now at university studying law with German law; the younger one is considering applying to university for entry in 2013 (when he'll be 19).

From the age of 13/14, they have taken OU courses (not GCSE-equivalent exams) to prove that they are academically able. I had decided on EHE before they were born and I am glad because it has given us the opportunity to spend a lot of time on practical skills (e.g. music, cookery, craft, languages).

Until they started with the OU, we basically did whatever we wanted. We did not follow a curriculum but I was aware that they would need certain skills in arithmetic/maths and an ability to read. I was fairly confident that they would gain those through exposure to as many activities as possible in daily life, so we concentrated on living rather than on "making sure they learned". The first formal maths they each did was the OU's introductory course (now MU123) and they had no difficulty with it. Once they started doing OU courses, they worked through them themselves - I discussed the material with them when they wanted or needed it but I certainly did not sit with them for the 8 hours per week they spent reading and doing the exercises.

Throughout our EHE journey, I have worked (freelance from home, so that gave enormous flexibility). EHE takes a long-term commitment to your DC and their education but it does not necessarily take a long time each day. It takes more time with young children because they generally need more care and attention (but you and DW are already splitting the childcare time).

If I were to speak to your DW, I'd say that she is probably already educating your DD - she is reading with her, playing board games, shopping, etc. At this age, there is no need to turn "education" into something that differs from life.

Have you nothing better to do than do word counts on internet posts?

Gosh 762 words-I think that I have said enough!-I was merely worried that DW was going to get coerced. If it is to work you need the whole family keen, not one persuaded against their better judgement.

Am I the only one thinking that if the OP had been a woman people would have been falling over themselves trying to offer ideas from the start of how to make the HE case to the DH, but as OP is a man he's getting a bit of stick from some for trying to force his wife into something - which is obviously not the case - he just wants to feel prepared to be able to discuss it with her and make a good case for HE for his DD. I've just never seen a thread with this kind of topic, which does pop up on here, get such a heated response.

OP if you can find a way to make it work, I think it sounds like your daughter (and you) would be very happy and fulfilled. Good luck!

I don't think the heated response was entirely directed at the OP to be honest, it got a bit sidetracked by other contributors. he was only asking but his post did make it sound like he was right and she was just following the crowd.

I don't think it is anything to do with him being a man really. I'd have said the same if it was the other way around. All the people involved in the education of a child have to be committed to what they are doing. That would be the same if a wife was expecting her husband to play a part in HE and he wasn't willing to do so.

And the only specific concern that the op's wife mentioned is being completely ignored. And as usual the received mumsnet "HE is wonderful and the best thing in the best of all possible worlds" prevails.

SugarPea,

You're not the only one who's thought this and your post is spot on: the mistrust shown towards the OP early in this thread was almost comical! In the circumstances, I feel he's been exceedingly patient and diplomatic. . .