Who gets to choose?

[Destinationdithers]

Lots of angst over where to go for the family holiday this summer. DCs are 18 & 15. Aware either or both could stay behind, but the idea is to have a family holiday.

Problem is DH has one destination in mind that neither I nor DCs fancy - and he’s taking it personally. He’s also not saying, here’s X, Y, Z we could all do. Just - I want to go.

He’s taking not liking his suggestion as a personal sleight. He also never does any of the AirBnB or Vrbo hunting - that’s always me.

But he earns more so would be paying most of the cost.

This all blew up because I (honestly) thought we’d agreed on a different destination last time we discussed it - and said I’d found some places (also aware that the longer we wait the higher the cost and less there will be available).

I don’t want any of us to have a miserable holiday, so how to resolve?

My thought is to start from what everyone wants from a holiday - ie beach access, historic sites etc and then work on a destination from there.

I've just been planning our family holiday. I gave up trying to please everyone, picked somewhere I would like and pointed out features that I thought would appeal to each individual family member.

I'm in the happy position that DH doesn't much care though. If he had a strong preference for one place I would be expecting him to do the legwork around proving that there were things about the destination to suit everyone.

We usually want to go to the same places tbh. Where does he want to go? Could he go on his own sometime and find somewhere you all fancy this year?

How weird. Why is he being so intractable? There are lots of nice places. Tell him to give his head a wobble.

Different holidays

On the flip side, if there’s somewhere he’s always wanted to go but hasn’t been allowed to because you’ve needed to cater for the children, I can see why them being older might make him think it’s beginning to seem possible.

Would he be amenable to “OK, let’s make this the last holiday where we cater for what the children want but next year we’ll go where you want”?

I wouldn’t mind so much if he did that kind of legwork@RedSkyDelightsand seemed to care about the rest of us enjoying the holiday.

But he doesn’t spend any time thinking about exactly where we’d stay or we’d do. So it’s hard to make a plan that would work for us all. (And it’s not a long held wish to go @HeddaGarbled)

Go where he wants but plan the worst possible holiday for him, one he'd hate. And you and the kids would love. Serve him right, wanker.

I like your style @MrsTerryPratchett!!

We take turns choosing where to go. I usually plan the holiday details and do the bookings. It ends up not being fair if it’s always where the majority want to go.

Really? Not something I’d want to do under any circumstances but especially not with my 18 and 15 year old in tow.

What is the reason none of you fancy it? Sounds like he might’ve been a bit put out at you all turning your noses up and he’s reacted badly but surely there’s a compromise

Where does he want to go? Could be a great idea - but we don’t know where it is!

My DH did something similar. He wanted a specific destination and had a specific set of requirements that didn’t really suit anyone else in the family.

i told him if that was what he wanted he would need to plan and book it himself. Unsurprisingly we are now going somewhere different.

My DH usually has somewhere in mind that he really wants to go to and me and the DCs 11 and 14 are not usually as bothered, so now DH does all the research and planning and then me and the DCs look at the area properly and add a couple of things we’d really like to do and it seems to work well. DH is good now though at thinking about what we all enjoy even though we’re different. Ps just been to Japan and karaoke went down a treat!

@TizerorFizz - it’s Germany.

He’s mentioned the north coast beaches, but nothing more specific. The rest of us fancy somewhere more reliably hot, so we can lie by the pool as well as explore.

I keep trying to start conversations about what exactly he wants, so we can try to compromise - but he won’t engage.

@Piratejenny99 - sure that’s how it would go here too!

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco- Usually similar here… we all discuss, land on an itinerary (we always travel around) then I do most of the planning (DCs do some)

DCs suggested Italy. Thought we were all up for that. But now I’ve found some potential places he’s saying no. (Then said you can book if you want. Then that he didn’t want to - and that’s when I got the line about it being him paying).

I started from the idea of trying to plan something everyone would like. Now thinking how/what I could afford for me & DCs!

While I think it is a great destination, it's not a beach and hot weather holiday. We went several times as DH is from Hamburg and we had everything from beach weather to rain coats in a matter of 2 weeks.

So I would ask what exactly he wants to do. There is plenty and you could see if there is a way to make it work by going in Summer and squeezing in another break in October with the pool/beach feeling?

Saying that, you are cutting it close to find decent accomodation, s/c in Germany is very popular and we normally booked 9-12 months in advance to get a flat we like in an area which suits us.

Given the ages of your kids I’d say pick what they would like (as long as you and DH would not hate it). You’ll soon have plenty of opportunities to go places they don’t fancy.

North sea beaches would not be my thing either. What would you all DO there - it’s not warm enough for sunbathing, or watersports unless you’re all in wetsuits? Does he have visions of long windswept walks - if so then sure maybe without kids someday.

“It’s me paying” would get extremely short shrift from me.

@Destinationdithers My friend has one of those wicker wind break beach chairs they use there! She’s 1/2 German. For most Brits - it’s an unusual choice. I can see why you might prefer somewhere else. What about Brittany? Reliably warm and lots to see. Northern Spain ditto. Jersey? I have friends who always enjoy Jersey.

I depends also if he was the one choosing the destination the previous years vs if he suggested Germany a few times and you always ended up going somewhere else you/the kids preferred.

No @SinkToTheBottomWithYou- it’s a new idea this year.

He did suggest Sweden in summer the other year and we didn’t go - but I’ve been lobbying for Croatia for a few years and we’ve not done that either.

It's end of April - I would be looking at where I can go where flight costs are still reasonable! With DC - holding out for last minute deals require nerves of steel plus flexibility regarding destination and accommodation. The best SC accommodation gets booked up early ime so good luck!

I think Sweden would be lovely. Southern Sweden is laid back and a bit like East Anglia. Not hot like Croatia but attractive. More expensive than Croatia though!

Could you do an adult only weekend in Germany and a family holiday somewhere else? (and put him in charge of planning the weekend!)

Be curious. What is it he wants.

We always do a chart (I have flip charts :D) with suggested destinations across the top and everyone’s needs/wants (money, beaches, weather etc.) down the side. People are allowed red lines (DD won’t miss a single school day [swot], DH won’t do self-catering [lazy], I won’t go anywhere you’re trapped at AI [poncey]). Then we score destinations as a family.

Just saying he wants to go to Germany because he’s paying isn’t OK. Why doesn’t he argue his case?

Be curious. What is it he wants.

We always do a chart (I have flip charts :D) with suggested destinations across the top and everyone’s needs/wants (money, beaches, weather etc.) down the side. People are allowed red lines (DD won’t miss a single school day [swot], DH won’t do self-catering [lazy], I won’t go anywhere you’re trapped at AI [poncey]). Then we score destinations as a family.

Just saying he wants to go to Germany because he’s paying isn’t OK. Why doesn’t he argue his case?