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Original poster

Dad won't give permission

92 replies

emsantana99 · 07/12/2024 19:46

I need abit of advice here, my daughter is 18 months old and sees her dad once in a blue moon. A bit of context with that, he cancels 24/7, when he does have her he calls me hours before I'm due to pick her up demanding I go and get her & I won't allow him to have her overnight as he has PTSD & kicks, screams, cries & chokes in his sleep which I don't deem as a safe environment for her to sleep in. I've never stopped him from having her during the day time, and I will also add he doesn't contribute a single penny towards our child. I have family that live in the US ( I'm from the uk ) and want to take her on a 90 day trip starting in Florida and ending in Canada. Upon sorting out our visas, I noticed that I can only take my daughter out of the country for 28 days without the other parents consent to which I contacted her father and he won't grant me the permission.

Does anyone know what I can do from here? I don't want to pass up on this opportunity before she starts nursery and I go back to work.

Just to add he is obviously on the birth certificate but her last name is double barrelled.

Thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 11:41

SensitivePetal · 07/12/2024 23:50

It does sound like he just enjoys throwing his weight around if he only threw a wobbly when you needed written permission.

some men are very concerned with how they appear: they don’t actually want to be an active parent but feel socially compelled to throw toys out of pram if the uppity mother of their child dares to be even slightly successful or independent.

At the very least, you can get a Lives With order which will enable you to take your child overseas for 28 days at a pop.

im not sure how often courts make 90+ day’s holiday-related specific issue orders

This is exactly my issue. He only gives a crap now he has the power. What I will never understand is that he told me he's working away for 6 months in the new year & has no problem leaving her then!!

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 11:42

GulfCoast · 08/12/2024 05:21

What “visas” are you applying for? Ordinarily British people don’t need visas to come here (I’m in the US). Are you planning to work here or live here long-term/permanently? You’d need a visa for that. To visit an ESTA is needed (which is not a visa), or are you ineligible for ESTA and need a B-2?

I've applied for an ESTA - I just called it a visa sorry I'm not great with the terminology! :)

OP posts:
LeopardPants · 08/12/2024 11:48

Leoislazy · 08/12/2024 11:14

@LeopardPants this is not helpful advice - I have been asked three times coming back in to the country, we were pulled aside in to a waiting area the first time. Luckily I was able to find a copy of the court order on my phone but if memory serves they actually phoned my ex husband as well.. My kids are late teens now so it’s not an issue but it definitely happens.

Fair enough. As I said, I’m sure they are within their right to but I never have been asked over at least 10 trips.

HollyKnight · 08/12/2024 12:12

Can you go away while he's out of the country? If so, it will help when you apply to the court because if he's not even going to be around for 6 months anyway taking her abroad won't affect her relationship with her father.

thankyouforthedayz · 08/12/2024 12:21

This will be an unpopular view, but I'm turning this round to look at it entirely in terms of the best interest of your child, short and long term, which is what a Judge would do.
What are the benefits to an 18 month old child of going on a 3 month holiday, traversing the whole of the US, lots of travel, no settled routines or home, for a trip she won't remember? It may enhance relationships with extended family companions, but that's about all.
The main disadvantage is it that it risks an already precarious relationship with her father being undermined. If I was a Judge I'd be curious about why he regularly makes the effort to have contact with his daughter but can't sustain it for the hours agreed. I know you feel that he prefers to drink alcohol, but I'd want to prove that. Whilst your reasons for declining overnight stays are absolutely valid, your daughter doesn't have an attachment to him because she doesn't see him often enough and this may be why the contact doesn't work out. This is not your fault as you've never stood in the way of daytime contact, but if I was Jilly Judge I'd be wary about giving him a message that your extended holiday with your daughter is of more benefit to her than his 6 weekly contact.
@Hayley1256 if Id had my legal relationship with my Dad severed by the state forever, just because he was an utter PITA when I was a child, I'd have plenty to say, unless he was a serial killer or something. PR belongs to a child, not a parent. There are other legal remedies to address arsey behaviour, short of removing PR. I wonder if your friend meant he was prevented from exercising his PR.

thankyouforthedayz · 08/12/2024 12:22

I meant 'probe' not 'prove' sorry!

Livinghappy · 08/12/2024 12:32

Apply to court, you can download the forms online and don't always need a solicitor. He would need to take action to prevent a court agreeing and that seems unlikely.

However you should consider having the following - itinerary of your trip, health insurance documents, how you are funding the trip, details of your housing in UK, your employment details.

There is a benefit in getting court involved as you will get clarity over child arrangements however a judge will also scrutinise your plans and check you are not endangering your child by a poorly thought through trip.

There are very long delays in court so start the process asap.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 18:05

drspouse · 08/12/2024 08:44

Unhelpful post, but it you're mad to do a 3 month road trip with an 18 month old.

I don't see how doing a trip with my 18 month old is crazy, I'd be staying with family for 6 weeks in 2 states, and then a month in Canada with my friend and our kids..

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 18:07

@Swissrollover - yep I know it's a joke really, he didn't care about not seeing her then! And yes I told him first, I still have somewhat respect for him regardless of how much he annoys me! He had no objection to the trip and told me it'd actually be good until he realised he could have a say, it's a control thing more than anything

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 18:08

@MarmaladeSideDown
lol you're right, I won't be using that term on here again! I meant basically never but it seems like people don't realise that! What makes me the most annoyed is that if he had a good relationship with her and saw her more often, people actually think I'd take her away from him for that long which I wouldn't!! I'm basically a solo parent bar maybe once every 6 weeks from like 9:30am - 11:30am lol

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 08/12/2024 18:11

mrspresents · 07/12/2024 20:02

Imagine going 90 days/12 weeks/3 months without seeing your child....

Other than video calls, my son doesn't see his father for approx 3 months at a time (dh works abroad, not military). It happens for military families too. My dad used to work in the filming industry - he could be away for a couple of months at a time filming. It happens, and we all manage just fine.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 18:16

thankyouforthedayz · 08/12/2024 12:21

This will be an unpopular view, but I'm turning this round to look at it entirely in terms of the best interest of your child, short and long term, which is what a Judge would do.
What are the benefits to an 18 month old child of going on a 3 month holiday, traversing the whole of the US, lots of travel, no settled routines or home, for a trip she won't remember? It may enhance relationships with extended family companions, but that's about all.
The main disadvantage is it that it risks an already precarious relationship with her father being undermined. If I was a Judge I'd be curious about why he regularly makes the effort to have contact with his daughter but can't sustain it for the hours agreed. I know you feel that he prefers to drink alcohol, but I'd want to prove that. Whilst your reasons for declining overnight stays are absolutely valid, your daughter doesn't have an attachment to him because she doesn't see him often enough and this may be why the contact doesn't work out. This is not your fault as you've never stood in the way of daytime contact, but if I was Jilly Judge I'd be wary about giving him a message that your extended holiday with your daughter is of more benefit to her than his 6 weekly contact.
@Hayley1256 if Id had my legal relationship with my Dad severed by the state forever, just because he was an utter PITA when I was a child, I'd have plenty to say, unless he was a serial killer or something. PR belongs to a child, not a parent. There are other legal remedies to address arsey behaviour, short of removing PR. I wonder if your friend meant he was prevented from exercising his PR.

While I understand where you're coming from, my reasons are it's an opportunity we may not get again for a very long while, if ever. I go back studying in September, and my daughter starts nursery, my auntie who lives in Florida is off for 3 weeks, and another close family friend who would love to see is has said we can stay whenever we want to also. It would only be 2 states; I'm not going on a road trip around America ( a lot of people seem to be thinking I'm traipsing over the whole of America which I'm deffo not ) as for Canada, it's somewhere I've always wanted to visit, and it just so happens that it's hockey season, terrible excuse but it's the truth, my daughter and I attend a lot of hockey games in the uk, so a month in Canada, stunning views, amazing hikes & lots of hockey sounds perfect for me and my daughter plus one of my friends too. He doesn't drink alcohol that's not the problem, and he also never even asks to have her, it's not as if he's just asking then not following through, he barely even contacts, when he does it's a very quick FaceTime call all of 5 minutes. He's barely a parent which is why I'm so mad about the whole situation.

OP posts:
MissCherryBrandy · 08/12/2024 18:16

Despicable that he contributes nothing to feed, clothe or house the child, hardly ever sees her but wants a say in this. Not unusual sadly. I hope you get the green light OP.

BellissimoGecko · 08/12/2024 18:18

Chowtime · 07/12/2024 19:49

I wouldn't agree to that either. 3 months is a very long time for her to go without seeing her dad. Also, I'd be worried about you not returning to the UK.

Did you miss this?

daughter is 18 months old and sees her dad once in a blue moon

Original poster
emsantana99 · 08/12/2024 18:19

MissCherryBrandy · 08/12/2024 18:16

Despicable that he contributes nothing to feed, clothe or house the child, hardly ever sees her but wants a say in this. Not unusual sadly. I hope you get the green light OP.

Thank you for this. While I understand everyone has their own opinion the harsh reality is a lot of people ok here just seem to be saying I'm taking her away from her dad without seeing the bigger picture, he isn't bothered about her, he doesn't bother with her, money or no money he doesn't have a very good bond with her because he isn't bothered about having one. So in my head I'm like why tf should he get a say 😂

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 08/12/2024 18:25

Christ, your ex is useless. Doesn't pay for your dd, barely sees her, certainly doesn't parent her. It's totally unfair that he gets a say in where you take her.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/12/2024 18:31

Op I get that it seems unfair but it is what it is.

Could you tell him you’ll be applying for cms but would be willing to waive that if he provides a letter of consent? Have a letter ready to go for him to sign

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