holiday anxiety, or just don't want to go?

[nyxel]

Looking for advice. My widowed Mum (late seventies) wants me to take her on a particular holiday she's always wanted to go on. She's lovely & I get on fine with her, although don't have much in common.

However, I'm so anxious about the idea of it. It's partly that I'll really miss my own immediate family (I'd have to take my child out of school if they came, which they don't want & I don't want them to), DH isn't really into holidays & I'd need him here to be with our child overnight (age 14). It's also partly that as I've got older (or was it the pandemic?), I've gone off holidays - I feel anxious away from home & miss my home comforts, even when we holiday as a family.

OTOH, I still have that feeling of excitement seeing a new place, having new experiences like I did when I was younger & it would make Mum happy. This is a totally new part of the world for me, that I'd never go to normally & Mum is paying for everything. When I'm not worrying about the plane crashing/missing DD/missing home comforts, I do quite look forward to the idea. If I could bring DD as well, I'd probably 80% want to go, rather than being 50:50 on it.

I can't work out whether I just don't want to go, & I should just bin off holidays generally (bad for the environment & cost a fortune anyway), or whether the anxiety is swaying me to never leave my home again. It's obviously not a general older person thing because people way older than me (I'm early 50s) go on holiday loads.

Don't know what to do: should I assume it's just anxiety, so have a "feel the fear & do it anyway" approach, or assume I don't like holidays, so don't go? I guess I'd have a nice enough time, but I'd probably be itching to get back home to DH/DD & my home comforts.

Just do it. Giving into your anxiety will only make it worse. What do you think is going to happen to your DD? Soon she is going to be off to uni so it's a good time to train for missing her.

It's not an age thing. I am older than you and go away a lot.

I usually don’t want to go on holiday right up until the time I arrive. Go. You’ll always regret it if you don’t.

I don't think that type of anxiety is normal or healthy (and what type of accommodation is your mum considering for you to miss "home comforts"?) so I think you should definitely go, to push past it.

This sounds like quite bad anxiety. Focusing on the plane crashing and missing DD14 for a week is normal. Missing her yes but not the extent that would won’t go some where. In 4 years she may move out of the home. Do you think you need support with your anxiety in general?

Yes, it sounds like bad anxiety for which you need some support.

I get this. I am a similar age to you and as I get older I get more anxiety about travelling. I worry about something happening to me or to my loved ones (whether they are with me or at home). Or worry about something going wrong or the holiday not being as good as I hope.

It is irrational and usually goes as soon as I am on my way. It comes from lack of practise as for years my DH planned everything. He travelled extensively for work so was very relaxed about the logistics.
You should go, the more you travel, the more confident you will be and the less anxious you will feel. I have kids a similar age and it's good for them to be with just dad for a bit and as PP said; to practise the separation as they will soon be much more independent from you.

I think it would be a real shame to let your mum down OP. She's in her late 70s and so may not have many years left when she is in good enough health to travel comfortably and enjoyably. To be honest if I was your mum I would feel pretty let down if you prioritised not wanting to leave your teen DD who you live with every other week of the year.

I think feeling a bit of inertia in the run up to a holiday is pretty normal - I think many (most?) people go thorough a phase of thinking how much easier it would be just to stay at home. But pushing through that is really important I think, and applies to pretty much everything in life where you have to put some effort in to get some reward.

I'd go on this holiday, for the sake of your mum if nothing else. If you really don't enjoy it then obviously you can decide to stop travelling in the future.

I have quite a few older family members who, at about your age, developed a similar anxiety and stopped ever going away from home. Over time it seems to get worse - after a while the also stop wanting to go far from home even for the day, meaning they have missed out on important family events like weddings, christenings, even funerals..... And have really struggled when they have needed to spend nights in hospital for any health issues. I don't mean to scare monger, but it genuinely can become something that has a moderately serious impact on quality of life, both for them and those of us that love them.

For this reason I sometimes force myself to take trips, even when there is a part of me that feels anxious about them, because I don't want to give in to the fear and have it get any worse..... And I would advise you to do the same, if you can.

You also need to consider your daughter's age - it is developmentally appropriate for her to spend nights away from you without issue at her age (for example her going on sleep overs and school residentials - but also you going away so she and her dad have time together can be part of this too). It's your responsibility as her parent, I would suggest, if possible, to facilitate this so that she is ok with it, as over time she needs to be able, eventually, to move out and live without you.....

I am fully on board with your reluctance to fly, however - it really is bad for the environment and I am often alarmed to read on here how casually some posters still think about taking a trip by plane - I am not suggesting nobody should ever fly again, but for the good of the planet it does need to become something we only do occasionally.

But it sounds like this would be an important once in a life time trip for you and your mom, so I think you can justify that to yourself. Maybe say to your mom that you will do this one on here, but would prefer other holidays over the next few years to be either UK based (assuming you are UK) or places you can get to buy train or ferry.

Good luck. Some CBT might help if the anxiety gets really tricky to cope with.

Thank you all. It's good to hear you all think it is anxiety, rather than me just not wanting to go - I was really struggling to tease out which it was. I've travelled all over the world, into the depths of Africa, got myself into some pretty dangerous situations back in my 20s, and I just didn't give a shit back then. And DD won't care if I go away, or DH for that matter.

The anxiety started just after Covid - I remember going to Majorca at the time when we still had to do Covid tests to get back on the plane, and they quarantined a ton of people while we were there, and this feeling of dread just descended for most of the week. I honestly thought we would test positive and might never get back home. I'd literally never had that thought before, but since then I just can't shift this feeling that I'm not in control of when/whether I can get back home, and then from there my thoughts run away with me eg. DDs life would be ruined if something happened to me etc. - but then I get the same feeling when DD is with me, so it's all just irrational, intrusive thoughts.

I've got a good CBT book actually, that really helped when I was stressed about a work situation a few years back, so I think I'll give that a read again. Work stress seems fairly common though, whereas anxiety over a holiday just seems bizarre, hence me thinking maybe it's not anxiety & maybe I just don't want to go.

And the "home comforts" I'm talking about are ridiculous now that I think rationally about it. One of my home comforts is my ensuite, but there'll definitely be an ensuite in our accommodation & the 2nd is that I hate being cold - at home, I know exactly what temperature to have the heating on & what clothes to wear to stay warm in my own home BUT where we're going is very definitely not going to be cold! Too hot if anything.

I know exactly what temperature to have the heating on & what clothes to wear to stay warm in my own home BUT where we're going is very definitely not going to be cold! Too hot if anything.

This definitely sounds like anxiety because I think if you took a step back you'd realise this is irrational.

Do you really want to go for yourself, or are you going merely to facilitate your mother and her dream destination? Would you have chosen this place for yourself and your family?

I think the key here is a mixture of anxiety and feeling you will let mother down if you don't go, even if you don't really want to!

So you have to decide if you are willing to forego all the anxiety excuses that you are using to question the trip, or go ahead and use the opportunity to see how irrational most of your fears actually are. I'd say you will feel great if you do it and enjoy it, and it will open up a willingness to do it more and more.

You have to be honest with yourself as to your reasons for and against.

@halava You've exactly articulated the other half of my brain. It's definitely to facilitate my Mum's dream destination, I wouldn't go there out of choice. It's a "sit on a beach and enjoy the sun" place, whereas I prefer mountains/forests/ hill walking. So are my thoughts a ton of excuses because deep down I don't want to go, or do I want to go really, but anxiety is stopping me.

I'd have a good guess and say you don't want to go because it's not your type of holiday and you are making excuses in your head as to why you shouldn't go.

That is not anxiety related at all, it's just you sighing and maybe saying, "I really don't want to go to this place, now how can I get out of it!" type of thinking.

So is there any way you could compromise with mum, and have say a few days in HER fave destination, and go to a different place in the same area for a few days in YOUR type of place. Would that work at all?

Otherwise I'd just go, you'd never know, you could find things to do that you might enjoy while mother is frying on the sunbed 😊

Again, your mum is in her late 70s. This could well be a now-or-never thing, whereas you will hopefully have many, many years ahead of you to enjoy mountains or forests.

It's just one trip, which from the sound of it will mean a huge amount to your mum and will presumably be pleasant enough for you. Honestly, I'd do it for my mum.

I think if your mum's paying then you go and enjoy the beauty in what you will find. Consider it an opportunity to really enjoy your mum while you have her - with no distraction. Enjoy not cooking or cleaning or washing. Have a lovely break and create memories which you can keep forever!

Just go. Give it no further thought than that. You'll have a lovely time with your mum

Do it for your mum.

I guess the thing I feel about an expenses paid sit on the beach in the sun trip is that while it might not be massively my bag, it doesn't sound like a particular extreme to the point you would Really Not Want To Go?

As in, if someone suggested trekking in the Amazon jungle, or dog sledding in the Canadian wilderness, or exploring a Moroccan souk or whatever, those are all quite major experiences - either uncomfortable or busy or cold or hot, or you might get a disease or whatever.

Whereas I might be "meh" about a beach holiday but I can't imagine really not wanting to go on it because it just isn't a very extreme experience? Maybe if it was to somewhere that's regularly north of 40 degrees or the food was going to be very difficult or something I guess.

Which, to me, would make me wonder if it was anxiety rather than just not wanting to go?

I guess a useful thought experiment would be to see how you'd feel if she'd suggested the equivalent holiday but in a forest?

It sounds like anxiety. I would encourage you to push through it if you can because if not challenged, it tends to expand. Reluctance to go abroad turns into don’t want to go away overnight turns into won’t go to London, won’t drive on the motorway etc etc. Before you know it, your world has become very small.

I know this is easier said than done though.

Thanks all. A lot of food for thought. If it is anxiety, the thing about facing it instead of letting it get worse resonates, I really don't want it to get worse.

And I wouldn't find a beach holiday unpleasant as such, just boring I guess. But there is snorkelling - I'd enjoy that.

I get feelings like that but I make myself go! I am probably over anxious and like you used to do a lot of travelling

I think I can empathise, OP. In the last few years, I've become scared of holidays. I recognise it's ridiculous and irrational but the fear is still there. I can only describe the feeling about 4 days before we go away as dread. I think it started with a fear of flying but it expanded from that. I now know once I get there, I am fine, adventurous even, but it doesn't stop the dread happening again on the next trip. (We don't go away very often though.)

I would say try and push through your anxiety and do this for your mum. Maybe try and get some help or read your cbt book. (I am going to seek some help for my fear too I think.)

I'd have to take my child out of school if they came, which they don't want & I don't want them to

Why would they have to come?

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this OP. I’m two weeks off our first holiday abroad with kids (10 months and 3) and first flight since 2019, and I’ve found myself thinking I don’t want to go more than once, worrying about plane crashes and god knows what else. I’m 32, so it’s definitely not your age!

But all the advice about anxiety making your world smaller (in this case literally) is so true. And if you hadn’t posted this, I might have listened to those voices a bit more. But everyone’s right: I think it really is just our anxiety talking. Don’t let it win, and go and have a lovely time with your mum - just like I will with my family ☺️❤️

As many have said, by the time we’re up in the air, it will all feel much better.