Would you be comfortable with your partner going on holiday for 10 days 5 weeks post birth?

[Byamumx]

Hey mamas x

Well my boyfriend is booked on to an holiday abroad for 10 days, 5 weeks post birth our baby (depending if baby arrives on due date) As we know there's up to 2 weeks over due dates.

His 1st & my 2nd. I have a 3yr old, full time no bio father/family input, due to serious DV in the past.

Now this holiday was booked before hand I am taking this into account which is causing me to feel bad.
We dated 3 months and then we have been officially a couple in a relationship 5 months. It's all happened very quickly!

So I am partially feeling super torn up because of the conflicting factors around this in various ways.

I am feeling super disheartened that he still very much wants to go, because he won't get this opportunity again.

If it was the other way around I wouldn't be leaving him with a newborn & toddler, he's acting like he wouldn't have a problem with this because being tired/exhausted is part of the parental package... Yes it is, yet he's not the one doing all the physical work and healing post birth either.

I don't usually mind about him going holiday and I accept this a part of who he is and what makes him happy and I wouldn't want to change this about him at all.
Its with this time frame, I don't feel okay about it...
I found newborn stage super hard last time being on my own, I had issues breastfeeding, there was health checks ongoing which meant hospital visits, I had PND, my 1st was admitted into hospital near the 5 week mark for 4 nights, and I have a spinal disability which impacts my mobility and was really affected post birth (lifting car seat, pushing a pram, holding baby etc) I lost so much weight fast due to the cluster feeding from 1st i wasnt eating well, drinkng well or sleeping, I was in a bad place.

I don't have a supportive network, my family are very limited and preoccupied with their own lives, it's extremely rare i am able to have some input. I barely have friends and those I have also have kids/families to look after

I don't drive, which my partner does, so I feel as though him being available during the first couple of months is important - like I feel sick at the thought of possibly no coping so well mentally/physically and he's videoing calling me in some hot country relaxing, or seeing photos or if baby is unwell and needs any kind of medical input, he won't be here to help with travel or with my 3yr old...
I feel very vulnerable around birth/post, because it can be so unpredictable! If I was to need an emergency c-section? Then recovery on top of a disability?

I am waiting to start adult ASD assessment for me and my son likely has the same, it can be challenging with him most days. My own mental health is delicate, (I do regular therapy)

Apart of me is upset because I feel there's still time to transfer another name on to the holiday (it's an all inclusive hotel) and this way he is choosing his partner/family 1st over a relaxing holiday (like he complains about spending long periods of time with his family anyway that's going, 3 members, he said he will be off doing his own thing most of the time because 10 days it to much with them, its just theyve paid for him)

I am struggling to accept that what is important to his wants in his life (travel) are more significant than his partner/newborn/family during a vulnerable time frame OF need

Its creating a massive gap between us at the moment.
I am spiralling into thinking I am selfish and unreasonable, yet I am not naive about how life changing a new baby is And the numerous nights I feel would have helped having a supportive partner

I have suggested that even we could save up for the same place, it might take a bit longer to go, but our children would get to go, plus he'd have a few days to still explore and then I could have a day while he looked after littles

And while I totally understand other people's circumstances in the sense that some people have partners that work immediately away post birth, etc and that must be hard, I wouldn't sign up for that Kind of relationship.
Yet to me career and luxury holiday are two entire different matters.

My 2nd baby dad is a full time uni student & runs a business himself, I support him and I am so happy too and take care of our children, he's got another 3yrs left of uni, so I know it'll be me doing most of baby raising anyway.
It's more that I feel like he's upping & going on a holiday break at a time I feel I will need him... and it hurts and no matter how disheartened I feel, there's nothing I can do. it just worries me about what standard I am setting for the long term of our relationship or getting myself iinto if I just submit and give in to his wants etc

And I've said even if he stayed behind and nothing major happens, then we have a week (that's already booked off work for him) to do things a family of 4, which could be as joyful & great!

I want to know how others would feel about this, I feel alone in my relationship atm, like I'm not part of a team and I am fearing that my objectives is pushing him away but at the same time I feel unsure about staying close to a man who may not have his priorities in check

Do i just let the fact that it was booked prior override how things have changed now? How ive also had to sacrifice opportunities as a mother/parent. I wouldnt be able to leave a 5 week due to breastfeeding, its not like he could feed baby etc and then theres not being able to pump until 5/6 weeks due to everything needing to regulate

Anyway, I will stop, I think you get the point I am upset and my head is all over. Sorry about the long length xxx

This is fucking nuts. My first instinct was that you were just a troll but unfortunately people actually do choose to put children in situations like this so there's every chance it's a genuine thread.

Honestly you desperately need some therapy of some kind. It is absolutely reckless to have a baby with someone you've been seeing for a matter of months and have your existing child - still just a toddler - all mixed up with this new boyfriend and his family. You say you've been in a relationship for 5 months and are 22 weeks pregnant - so you became official when you got pregnant?

And this...

Yeah, I said this to him, if putting a part of himself aside for a tiny amount of time 10 days is a huge deal, then sticking to contraception would have been absolutely insisted on

...sounds like you were having unprotected sex, AKA trying for a baby, with someone you weren't even in a relationship with, despite already having a 3 year old (possibly a 2 year old at that time) who doesn't have a dad on the scene?

This guy is not committed to you, or to being a father. Obviously. You should plan to be a single mother because that's likely where this is headed.

And definitely seek some help from a counsellor or therapist so that you aren't introducing your poor toddler and new baby to dad no 3 in 12 months time.

Don't give this baby his surname.

Precisely, this.

I say this with respect and kindness because I also had a baby with a partner I’d been with for only a few months.

He is not a good partner. He is not proving himself to be a good father either. Everything he is doing is prioritising himself over you and the baby. Of course he said he’d be ok with you disappearing at 5 weeks postpartum because he knows there is no risk of that actually happening. He can say what he likes.

I think you really need to prepare to raise this baby alone. If my DC’s dad had been like this, I wouldn’t still be with him.

You have decided to put yourself in an incredibly bad situation. The choices were yours. And his of course but you have made exceptionally poor choices.

You don't have a lot of options left. You don't have family support on either side, you've known him five minutes, your last relationship was abusive so chances are this one could go that way, you can't terminate.

Your options are a) put up with him being a crap partner and father (he'll either get worse or not) or b) leave.

And next time use contraception reliably for a long time.

Yeah, he’s got no interest, sorry.

I’d be organising myself as if he wouldn’t be around at all after the birth.

He’s a student off on holiday with his family like a child, he’s no interest in playing happy families with you.

Sorry OP but play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Your best option now is to assume that he is definitely going, and to try and put some support in place during his holiday even if it a day here or there via different people/friends/family etc.

Good luck

Yeah, I said this to him, if putting a part of himself aside for a tiny amount of time 10 days is a huge deal, then sticking to contraception would have been absolutely insisted on.

So you PLANNED to get pregnant with this bloke you've only known for five minutes?? 🙄🙄

This.

i hate to pile on as well OP but wtf were you thinking you have a child you know the sacrifices that are needed to be a good parent and a good partner to your child’s other parent. He thinks of a cute baby as an abstract idea that’s just going to slot in and not affect his studying or his holidays, his parents like the idea of a cute grandchild but are not expecting their son to step up. You seem focused on the idea of him going on this holiday making him unreliable rather than worrying about whether he is going to be reliable for the next 18 years. This holiday is the least of your problems.

My partner did this to me. I still haven't forgiven him 5 years later. I really needed him.

You weren’t using contraception with a guy you had just met?

Bloody hell OP. Stop having babies with idiot men.

Where is it to? Is it a once-in-a-lifetime holiday? Could you go too, with baby and toddler?

This must be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on here. And I'm not new on the block.

Wishing you all the best OP. As a solo mum myself I feel for you.

I'd be dumping the useless selfish sperm donor myself. He's just another "child" to have to carry through life.

To offer practical advice, can your partners mum stay with you whilst they are on holiday? Would be a great bonding experience for you both, and she would get some one on one with the baby.

I suggest the mother, as the holiday is with the father and step mother isn't it?

He says that he will be supportive of our baby their entire life and that I am purely basing his support towards us off of 10 days of him not being here due to him going away 🥴 So to him this must mean it’s the go ahead for being OK to go away because he will be there all of the other time (aside from working during the day for the 1st 6 months as he will be on summer term time break from his uni), these 10 days don't account for and it's not really not that long in his eyes and my 'fears" shouldn't stop our life going forwards/being lived because "anything can happen anytime".

That he always sees a way & I'm the negative - seeing problems.

I've told him anyway that I'm not going around in circles/back and forth on this subject that if he gets up and goes on holiday at a time I will and baby/toddler will need him, then our relationship is over.

It's because he and his family have never had this kind of trip together before. They're also going to a hotel that isn't exclusive to any children, none are allowed (why his brother & partner & kids haven't gone) BF thinks they might have received a bit of money instead.

He went on to say that the holiday will still be a factor in all of this even if I was single; to which I said, yeah and you'll probably decide to go if this is the case but at least I'd be on my own 2 feet, knowing where I and my 2 children stand as a single mother and I wouldnt be in a relationship where I'm not prioritised at timing of need.
It'll be easier to digest I am alone single than feel alone when I've got a man in my life not stepping up to his role at a vulnerable time.

And I'm not focused on these 10 days of him being unreliable only, this where I'm saying that if he goes; the relationship won't be the same for me going forward and it will be too worrisome to stay in the relationship and wonder when he will be unreliable the rest of the time.

@willsandnoodle His mum and her side of the family live a nearly 6 hours drive away from us (other side of the country) she doesn't drive, nor do I 🙈

He spoke to his brother & partner, they've mentioned about me going to stay with them (encouraging him to go), family of 5, yet its uprooting to go 6 hours away, if say baby is poorly or myself, or I'm recovering from anything, I want to be close to whats familiar to me at home and have baby settling into their environment for a bit. I'm also set on exclusively breastfeeding again, which was challenging enough the first time around, I had issues and my 1st wasn't gaining weight etc.
Traveling so far so soon... Isn't good for baby as their meant to be in car seat for 30 mins a time and no more than 2hrs - if I go over due date baby could be just over 4 weeks or even 3 weeks.
Like its just another way he can bypass the responsibility and sacrifice of staying for us really.

Op, you escaped a DV situation. leapt in with this guy, met him 5 months ago and are 22 weeks pregnant , don't live together, no sign of commitment.
You really need to take a breath and look at your choices here.

You can't force him to do anything op listing all of the details on here isn't going to change the circumstances you have got yourself in. You will be a single mum to two children under 5 soon enough. Please don't jump into another relationship without using contraception in the future.

I don't think breaking up with him will have any serious impact on him. You've been dating barely any time and don't live together. He clearly is not mature enough or ready to be a father.

You have both been extremely irresponsible not using contraception and it does not seem to me that you are making wise choices in your life. I would approach this with the assumption that you will be single and that you should be single for a long time, working on yourself to ensure you make sound decisions in your life. Best of luck.

I'd get this thread moved from holidays to relationships if you want some real advice the holiday is the least of your problems going off your posts.

You sound very naive. He has you ‘taking care of him’ and his stepmum paying for holidays, but it’s okay because in 3 years he will have a good career. Oh but he’ll be away from home a lot. He also thinks it’s fine to leave his disabled non driving girlfriend with a 3 year old and 5 week old for ten days. He sounds very selfish, everyone can be a good guy when things are going as they want but it’s how they react when you need something from them that you need to watch. Why on earth have you had a child with a man you knew less than a year? At least he sounds better than the last one.

Sorry to pile on but OP you've made your bed here. Having a child with someone you barely know is a risk. My best friend was a full time student when he was a dad and he lived with his partner and was a fully engaged dad - you've already made it clear your boyfriend doesn't see why a baby would interfere with his life as a student. No wonder he doesn't think the holiday is a big deal - he has no intention of being an engaged dad. By the way there are often facilities available at universities e.g. creche - worth investigating, even if you split.

An AI in Tenerife is no big deal. He's only going because it's paid for - this is scummy behaviour. Well done for making it a condition for staying together. I wouldn't accept it from a partner (and I'm pregnant and disabled - i understand).

As others have said I'd be surprised if this relationship survived to the point of birth. Please make plans accordingly.

Do you get PIP for your mobility issues? How will you manage post-birth with work?

After 5 months you both decide to try for a baby?? Did you already know about his holiday when you stopped contraception?

Byamumx this relationship is over. You need to stay single for a loooong time, stop getting pregnant by useless men. Work on yourself and look after these two innocent babies you have chosen to bring into the world.

How many times has he been away on holiday given that you have only been together 5 months - did I read that right?

Sorry your post was too long. If its just a holiday, then no way (different if it was for a family wedding or something important)