Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Holidays

Use our Travel forum for recommendations on everything from day trips to the best family-friendly holiday destinations.

Original poster

Holiday idea for 87 year old with dementia?

34 replies

GeoffNorcottfan · 01/06/2023 15:35

Just that really. I'd love to take my Dad away for a break. He can't fly, so it would have to be somewhere we can drive him to. I'm thinking somewhere nice where the hotel/hired house is enough in itself. Nice view, possibly overlooking a lake or river, hills or mountains. No need to bother with day trips, just somewhere nice we can all sit together and relax. Any recommendations? Until a year or so ago he was an avid solo traveller... Africa, America, Europe... but his dementia came on fast and has left him very dependent on others. I just want to take him somewhere he could enjoy just being.

OP posts:
Peachtoiletpaper · 01/06/2023 15:44

Does he have any favourite UK destinations, perhaps from your or his childhood (if he spent it here)? Familiar scenery could be a nice idea even if his memory is very impaired. Otherwise somewhere like Rye, Whitstable, Wells next the Sea, Ambleside, so a pretty but quite bustling small town with lovely views but also chance to watch the world go by outside?

SleepingisanArt · 01/06/2023 15:48

Family member had dementia (no longer with us) and became very agitated when taken on holiday. Also an avid traveller pre-dementia but needed to be in familiar surroundings to cope. Please keep this in mind as although your idea is lovely it may not work out how you expect it to.

SummerSimmer · 01/06/2023 15:50

Would he be able to eat breakfast and other meals in a restaurant/hotel?
Would a short cruise be too much for him, they can be quite noisy?
Depending where you live how about a sea view hotel in a place south as Bournemouth or another seaside place?

Beamur · 01/06/2023 15:53

How advanced is the dementia? I'm afraid I would also raise the possibility it might be quite disorientating to be in unfamiliar surroundings.
Maybe just try an overnight away from home first. Some people with dementia are particularly agitated early evening and wake a lot during the night. Would it just be the two of you?

TeenLifeMum · 01/06/2023 15:56

People with dementia need familiarity. The only holiday I would consider is visiting somewhere he spent time in the past. Sadly it’s unlikely he’d find any new place “relaxing”. It’s a horrible disease.

lunchNstuff · 01/06/2023 15:56

First of all, how "bad" is your father's dementia? Does he get agitated doing new things or going places unfamiliar to him? Does he behave well in your company and others'? As pp said, the idea is wonderful but the reality can often be very different.

I looked after my mum with dementia for a number of years. After two trips to see my sister hour and half drive away, never again. Sis came to us after that!

We mean well, but make sure he will be ok. Maybe try a trip to a nearby spot for the day first and see how that goes.

If all that works out and you are confident with him, then some of the above suggestions sound good. I'd say no more than an hour or two journey though. Just my experience and everyone is different.

LaGiaconda · 01/06/2023 16:00

It sounds like a bad idea.

A day trip or outing to a familiar and loved place - where it is possible to return home easily, is going to be enough.

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 01/06/2023 16:03

Echoing the others. Unfamiliarity can be disorienting and upsetting for the person with dementia. You do not want to inadvertently provoke a night time wander as they try to enter their landscape once more.

I know it seems harsh, that the person's life closes down very quickly, as does that of the carer, it IS harsh. Deep sympathy, lots of us have trod this path and it is horrible.

haggisaggis · 01/06/2023 16:05

My mum found it very disorientating being in a different place. She also had no memory afterwards of being taken away (although we did take lots of photos and I made them into a little book for her). This was when her dementia was not too bad - even then she would ask multiple times every day where she was and how she got there. It sounds a nice idea but he may find it very stressful. There is also the issue of keeping him safe - he would be in his own room I assume so may wander through the night and not know where he is.

Isheabastard · 01/06/2023 16:08

I think somewhere he knows well or where he lived as a child. The places where he went to school, revisit a regular church etc. where he got married, their first married home. Parks he took you to when you were a child.

I remember conversations with my grandmother, it was nearly impossible to have a general conversation with her. But one time she was telling me all about playing tennis when she was a young gal, it was lovely.

mathanxiety · 01/06/2023 16:12

This is not a good idea.

Apart altogether from the danger that your dad could leave the house or hotel and get lost, hurt, etc, people with dementia are very often upset by changes in scenery or routine.

TheShellBeach · 01/06/2023 16:15

I wouldn't do it. He'll become more confused and you'll probably make him a lot worse.
He needs familiar surroundings.
People with dementia generally hate travelling because they don't understand where they're going and it makes them anxious.

TheShellBeach · 01/06/2023 16:17

And if you're in a hotel or guest house, he'll probably wander off in the night, because he'll be trying to get home.
He won't remember you've taken him away.
Please don't do this to him. It's cruel.

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 01/06/2023 16:20

Shelly you make a good point about the possibility of accelerating the speed of decline.

SwedishDeathClearance · 01/06/2023 16:20

Honestly -dont
A holiday was what led to the rapid decline of my mother
She became very confused and disoriented and hasn't really left the house since.
She even struggled at my house after that and was fine before

Original poster
GeoffNorcottfan · 01/06/2023 22:10

Thank you all. You have really given me food for thought, and I can see I was being naive, and possibly selfish, in what I wanted. This is completely new, sad and bewildering territory for me, and I'm learning more every day. I will take all your advice on board, and do some lovely day trips to familiar places. Thank you.

OP posts:
lostinwales · 01/06/2023 22:19

You aren't being selfish, you are trying to think of lovely things to do for someone you love, that's the opposite. My dad really wants to take my mum away and at first I was all for it (especially as I'd offered to go with them to 'help'!) but everywhere I went for advice I ran into comments like all those above. It's incredibly hard to get your head round the changes and understand how much our loved ones world has narrowed, and that actually to be home safe and looked after is the most comfort we can give them.

Absolutely sucks doesn't it?

wincarwoo · 01/06/2023 22:45

My friend took her dad with dementia to Egypt. By all accounts they had a great time.

booksandbrooks · 01/06/2023 22:48

GeoffNorcottfan · 01/06/2023 22:10

Thank you all. You have really given me food for thought, and I can see I was being naive, and possibly selfish, in what I wanted. This is completely new, sad and bewildering territory for me, and I'm learning more every day. I will take all your advice on board, and do some lovely day trips to familiar places. Thank you.

Good luck with all of it . Flowers

helpfulperson · 01/06/2023 23:03

There are companies who specialise in holidays for people with dementia. There is an awful lot of generalisation going in on here. It's like autism. If you know one person with dementia you know one person with dementia. There are many stages and types.

I'll try and find details of the company.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 01/06/2023 23:20

@helpfulperson

I am an RMN and agree with everything everyone else has said.

You are unfortunately misguided. There is s huge amount of difference between being neurodivergent and having an organic disease which dementia is.

TheShellBeach · 01/06/2023 23:57

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 01/06/2023 23:20

@helpfulperson

I am an RMN and agree with everything everyone else has said.

You are unfortunately misguided. There is s huge amount of difference between being neurodivergent and having an organic disease which dementia is.

I was a dementia specialist nurse and I agree.

purpleboy · 02/06/2023 00:04

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 01/06/2023 23:20

@helpfulperson

I am an RMN and agree with everything everyone else has said.

You are unfortunately misguided. There is s huge amount of difference between being neurodivergent and having an organic disease which dementia is.

But I think what helpful is saying, is that everyone is saying it's a bad idea, but they don't know how the op's dad will react. My dad is 87 and has dementia, we are going on a cruise in a few weeks. He doesn't get disorientated so for him a holiday is fine, maybe it's the same for op, maybe not, only she knows that.

VerityUnreasonble · 02/06/2023 01:06

Lots of people living with dementia continue to go on and enjoy holidays. It really depends on the symptoms they experience and the progression of the illness.

For some people it will be disorientating and upsetting, others will have a lovely time.

Personally, I think cottage type accommodation is easier, hotels can be very confusing if you accidentally find yourself in a corridor full of identical doors.

dementiaadventure.org/ are a charity who support people living with dementia to have holidays. They do some lovely group holidays or bespoke individual and holidays are accompanied by volunteers who can help with some aspects. It's not cheap! But they can subsidise people on low income.

Babymamamama · 02/06/2023 01:55

My family member really struggled with any type of change of routine or location. With dementia I think instead of travel the joys can be in the small moments of connection and relaxation with your loved one. For us holidays became a complete no no due to risk, disruption and stress. Try to reframe it -your loved one has benefitted from lots of travel thus far to be grateful for but at this point and stage they actually need comforting stability familiarity and routine. I wouldn’t put them through it. For what?

Swipe left for the next trending thread