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Holidays

Use our Travel forum for recommendations on everything from day trips to the best family-friendly holiday destinations.

Holidays with in laws...no or yes?

57 replies

user1469485133 · 08/05/2023 11:27

Hi!

Do you go away with your in laws?
I've been away on a family holiday with them once and it was really tough.
It included my partner and her daughter, her parents, and her autistic brother and his wife and daughter.
To say it was tough is an understatement. I had huge reservations about it, got really anxious weeks before and only did it to please other people.
I thought it was going to be a one off thing. But now they have expectations that it's going to be a yearly affair. I've managed to get out of it this year, thought my partner is disappointed with my decision and her parents have questioned why I'm not coming.
My partners previous boyfriend (of 14 years) avoided going anywhere with them. I'm much more sociable than him (I'm a woman!!) and it's lovely that they want me there too....but it's just painful for me!
I'd never expect my partner to do the family thing with my parents, even though my parents are SO easy going and easy to be around.

I'd love to hear of your experiences.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 08/05/2023 22:15

I'd rather be painted in honey and staked out on an anthill than holiday with my in laws. But I hear some have nice in laws so that might be different.

Holidays are rare and expensive and are for enjoying. Find a way to extricate yourself if it isn't working for you.

GG1986 · 08/05/2023 22:31

We don't do it anymore! It changes the dynamics of our family holiday and can't relax. MIL came with us once and it was a nightmare, she can't swim but still got in the pool, so we spent the whole time looking after her so she didn't drown, we had to slow walk everywhere due to her mobility, she didn't clean up after herself and expected me to make her coffees and get her breakfast. My parents are always hinting about coming on our family holidays and I will not give in and say yes, as then it will be expected every time.

twilightcafe · 08/05/2023 23:24

PIL - yes.
SIL and partner. I swore 20 years ago that I would never go on a joint holiday with them again.
Nothing has made me change my mind since.

pizzaHeart · 08/05/2023 23:37

Hbh17 · 08/05/2023 21:18

No. But then holidays with one's own parents is a definite 'no' too. I don't get this thing about huge, group or family holidays - they always sound like a recipe for disaster to me.

agree 100%

Summersizzle · 09/05/2023 11:56

Couldn't pay me to go away with the in-laws! My DH wants to and thinks I'm odd for not wanting to but if I die having never seen them in swimwear, I'll die happy. Also, DH would just fob off all childcare onto them, which is the only reason he wants to go with them.

Catspyjamas17 · 09/05/2023 11:59

We have, lots of times, but always have our own rooms/space/apartment separately and often do separate things in the daytime and see them for dinner so we aren't in each other's pockets. I think it works if you are all reasonable, get on and have your own space but I can also see for some people it wouldn't work at all.

countrygirl99 · 09/05/2023 12:25

You couldn't pay me to go away with the ILs.
When PILs could go on holiday they would want everyone to spend the whole day together just sitting and chatting at the accommodation.
BIL & SIL 1 wouldn't get up until lunchtime then stay up to the wee hours. They would moan about any suggestions and insist on everyone doing what they wanted, especially eating. Massive sulks if they didn't get their way or other people dared to make the slightest noise before they were up.
BIL &SIL 2 would get up mid morning and just want to sit by the pool all day. SIL2 and MIL would tie themselves in knots trying to keep everyone happy. BIL2 would have a steaming argument with BIL1 as would FIL.
DH and I would be up with the lark and want to be out exploring and would get told off by PILs because we were all meant to be together, just sitting around doing nothing which would drive us nuts.

AnnaBegins · 09/05/2023 13:10

I go away with my in laws every year, but just in the UK.

I have to say, it has got harder and harder. As kids and grandparents have got older, needs have got more and more different. The grandparents now need quiet, calm, alone time, and the cousins are very different ages and have different interests. This means more clashes and more compromises.

My SIL and I have recently made improvements by insisting on some basics: two living rooms/spaces at a minimum so the grandparents have somewhere to retreat to, and enough bedrooms so children aren't in with parents so everyone sleeps better, plus the ability to have days as separate families not everyone altogether all week.

My MIL and I also influence lunch plans so we eat out occasionally rather than making packed lunch for 12 every morning Grin

However the last holiday was really tough, the older cousins were prioritised both in activities and timings of the day, my kids were sidelined, we were expected to pay for a lot more (all the food shopping, entry tickets for the whole group, whole group bill for meals out) but also not allowed a say in e.g. what and where we ate (as our kids aren't fussy but cousins and FIL are).

I think it can work, but you need clear boundaries and expectations up front e.g. letting them know you'll be out as a mini family for at least one day, agree who does what chores upfront (so for example we know each adult cooks twice, and we cook in pairs so we agree who wants to pair up).
I think location makes a huge difference too, as if it's a pool/beach holiday there can be a clash if some people would rather explore than chill.

Waveyhouse · 09/05/2023 13:18

I’d go away with some of my in laws.
I get on well with sil, she’s fun & good company. Fil & on his gf, I love then to bits but I could only manage a few days with them.
I couldn’t go away with mil. She is hard work and very self centred. She doesn’t understand personal space either - I’m getting anxious just thinking at the possibility of ever going away with her!🤣

Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/05/2023 13:23

We’ve done it a lot - with both my parents and my in laws. On the whole it works out well. Last summer we went with my parents and my brother and his family. This is how we made it work:-

  1. Completely separate accommodation. Ie Lockable doors!
  2. Go all inclusive - no chores to do so no resentment over who does what
  3. A general “maybe we’ll see you there!” attitude. So we all did exactly what we wanted to do. Sometimes those things were the same. In which case we did them together. But we didn’t have to. And we would generally see each other there (there usually being the beach - all of 5 mins walk away!) not hang around waiting for each other.
  4. Me and my brother no longer talk about politics!
ShadowPuppets · 09/05/2023 13:33

I’m currently on my first! In Menorca with DMIL, DH, DD (2) and DS (1). It’s going well - DMIL is a star and having her with us means that we have an extra pair of hands when it comes to the children as it’s tough to get anything done when they’re so small. For example, this morning she took DD for a walk and to the shop when DS had his morning nap, so DH and I could sunbathe in peace. She babysat last night so that we could go out for a drink. And she’s taken the lead on some days with eg sorting lunch while we’re in the pool with the kids. She’s been a total star. Yes, sometimes we wind each other up a bit but tbf no more than my own mother does or DH does occasionally, I think it’s just proximity 😂

I completely appreciate that lots of people don’t have that sort of relationship though, and we’re all pretty good at giving each other space - once the kids are up we’re taking them into town while she has some well deserved quiet time by the pool.

caringcarer · 09/05/2023 13:47

DH and I went on holiday with my in-laws for 5 years running. My in-laws are really nice people though. We all shared a large villa. Mil and I cooked once each and other days we ate out. We shopped, bought lunch food and made nice picnics. We all went to the beach where FiL played in sand with children making them castles and cars out of the sand. Then FiL took the children for ice creams. MiL and I read our books. DH and MiL took children in water swimming. We all had lovely days. We went to a large aquarium and a meal afterward one day. Three evenings in-laws babysat when DH and I went for a romantic meal and night boat ride. MiL liked looking around the market in the nearest town and brought us back fresh croissants. We all went to the swimming pool one day and MiL came into the water with us. In-laws only went out two evenings on their own for a meal and we stayed in with children and watched a dvd. FiL sat in the garden of the villa playing badminton with children too whilst MiL and I made a picnic to take to the beach. I thought it was a very relaxing holiday but my in-laws were very child focussed. It could be difficult if you don't get on well with in-laws or if they don't pitch in and help.

PimpMyFridge · 09/05/2023 13:49

@ShadowPuppets I'm envious.
My ILs wouldn't dream of giving any support like that.
Even if we're staying at their house for several nights (they live a 6 hour drive away) and the kids are fast asleep, we still couldn't go out for a quick pint together as they don't want to be responsible for the children (who wouldn't wake if a marching band walked through).

<Sigh>
I wish things were different.
Luckily my DH is nothing like his parents and is one of the most supportive people I know <every cloud and all that>

caringcarer · 09/05/2023 13:50

After we got home in-laws took children for a week later in summer so DH and I got a couple break too. I know I am very very lucky with my in-laws. My MiL had two sons's but treats me like a daughter. She has given me some lovely jewelry.

ShadowPuppets · 09/05/2023 13:52

@PimpMyFridge definitely appreciate I’m lucky - sadly I suspect your experience is more the norm from talking to friends. MIL is nearly 70 so two under 3s during the day is a bit beyond what she’s comfortable with but our two are fairly good sleepers (at least during the early part of the night while she’s in charge of the monitor!) so happy to have a quiet night in with Netflix and the baby monitor!
It’s such a shame when people don’t remember or appreciate how grinding it is with small kids and how much difference even an hour or two off makes.

MermaidMummy06 · 09/05/2023 14:07

No. My in laws are toxic people & I'd get no say in anything.

Why did you have to point out your partner's brother is autistic? They're people, all individual, not beings defined by a diagnosis.

user1469485133 · 10/05/2023 20:32

I love all of the replies! Thank you so much !!
What a mixed bag! As I thought it would be.
Someone said up there, 'why is it painful"...well, that is a good question!
Her family are very structured and I definitely shy away from structure. It is their way, or no way basically. And if there are other suggestions or ideas then it's like someone has stuck a knife in.
An example is that when we did go on holiday I had an accident with my foot (my big toe nail came off!!! arghgh) and it was painful etc. They basically took very little notice of this and I sort of hobbled on through the holiday.
Eventually I decided I wanted to find some sandals to help alleviate the discomfort. God forbid! It was like I had completely screwed up their plans for the day (this was before the day had even started!).
My suggestion of going off ON MY OWN to buy something for myself completely threw them out of their comfort zone and their plans.
It was all very passive aggressive and I decided to not go, because they made me feel so uncomfortable about it.
Everything was so timed - food, when we had a cup of tea etc
We stayed on a campsite but in different accommodation.
Basically I did not feel like a 46 year old! I felt like a child being told what to do by my parents.

OP posts:
user1469485133 · 10/05/2023 20:36

MermaidMummy06 - I'm sorry if I offended you regarding my partner's brother being autistic that wasn't my intention and I apologise. I was highlighting that socially, he's difficult to converse with. I find the parents difficult to talk to, and I guess he is more so. I'm aware not all autistic people find light conversation challenging, but he particularly does. I think he feels really uncomfortable too!

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/05/2023 23:15

It depends on the inlaws of course! Mine were lovely people, and we took several holidays together.

But they were easy going people who didn't demand anything of us. Everyone was able to do their own thing if they wanted, or to join in with others if they wanted to.

My DH died a decade ago, but I'm still close with my inlaws, and I've been on a few holidays with my SIL and her family (and whichever of my own DC have wanted/been able to join us). Having different accommodation in the same place is the secret though, I think, along with the aforementioned willingness to do our own things some of the time, and only meeting up/doing things together with whichever parties are up for it. Absolutely no-one is ever persuaded or coerced into doing anything that they don't want to.

Coronationstation · 11/05/2023 12:39

Hell no, i wouldn't go away with my own parents / siblings let alone someone else's! We've done it twice and it was awful. 3 generations is too many different needs to cater for and someone always ends up grumpy (admittedly usually me because I'm the one stuck in the middle with no particular demands and just expected to go with the flow). I can cope with my parents coming to stay here and my brother & family coming to stay here, and I could probably handle going away with him now that their kids are a bit older.

gogohmm · 11/05/2023 12:52

Depends, id go on something like a cruise with own space - I know dps dm would like to do my thought to invite my parents too, that way they can hang out doing quizzes etc Grin

SapphireStar77 · 11/05/2023 14:12

Absolutely not! Did it once years ago and it was an absolute nightmare but then I do have the MIL from hell

Parky04 · 11/05/2023 14:22

Have never been on holiday with in laws or my own parents. The thought feels me with horror. BTW, I love all of them very much!

cpphelp · 11/05/2023 14:24

I'm currently on holiday with my mother in law, who I honestly do respect, appreciate and love.
It's a no from me.
Did you ever go back to live with your parents as an adult? How did that go??

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/05/2023 14:26

caringcarer · 09/05/2023 13:47

DH and I went on holiday with my in-laws for 5 years running. My in-laws are really nice people though. We all shared a large villa. Mil and I cooked once each and other days we ate out. We shopped, bought lunch food and made nice picnics. We all went to the beach where FiL played in sand with children making them castles and cars out of the sand. Then FiL took the children for ice creams. MiL and I read our books. DH and MiL took children in water swimming. We all had lovely days. We went to a large aquarium and a meal afterward one day. Three evenings in-laws babysat when DH and I went for a romantic meal and night boat ride. MiL liked looking around the market in the nearest town and brought us back fresh croissants. We all went to the swimming pool one day and MiL came into the water with us. In-laws only went out two evenings on their own for a meal and we stayed in with children and watched a dvd. FiL sat in the garden of the villa playing badminton with children too whilst MiL and I made a picnic to take to the beach. I thought it was a very relaxing holiday but my in-laws were very child focussed. It could be difficult if you don't get on well with in-laws or if they don't pitch in and help.

That sound like such a lovely holiday. What great in-laws you have.