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Holidays

Use our Travel forum for recommendations on everything from day trips to the best family-friendly holiday destinations.

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Original poster

Holiday dilemma

46 replies

Kate3478 · 18/11/2022 12:19

Hey,
So, my brother and his fiancé are getting married abroad (long-haul) and it is pretty pricey to take a family of four (£9k). Myself and my partner get married later this year and are desperately trying to save for our own wedding.
My fiancé is completely against going on holiday due to the cost and as he is self employed he wouldn’t earn while away for 2 weeks which would cause financial strain. Which I agree with and understand.

However, I feel like I should go, a lot of my family are going and I feel like I should be there too, this would be a once in a lifetime holiday.
We also have two young children 3&5, my dilemma is do I take them both on my own and probably struggle? Plus struggle to pay for the three of us, (would have to be on credit card or loan). Or go on my own and leave them home with their Daddy, lower cost and just go for a week. Or even just take the eldest with me? Or simply not go at all and tell my brother I can’t.
My fiancé says he doesn’t think I should go as we simply can’t afford it and it’ll impact our own wedding finances, but is supportive whatever I decide I want to do and if the children come.

OP posts:

Paq · 18/11/2022 12:26

Honestly, I would not go.

I think your brother has to understand that if he chooses a long haul destination wedding his sister, with 2 small children, probably won't be able to come. It feels pretty selfish of him.

snowballer · 18/11/2022 12:27

I'd go on your own. Ideal!

Endofmyteatherr · 18/11/2022 12:30

Are most of your family actually going to go though OP? I suspect they will want to but when the time comes to pay I bet they don't.

How long is the holiday for? It would be a no for me it's far too much money and there's no way I would be racking up debt.

jackstini · 18/11/2022 12:35

Definitely would not take all of you!

How much is the cost just for you? Can you share a room with another family member who is going?
How much would spending that impact your own wedding?
How close are you to your brother?
Do you really want to go?

Original poster

Kate3478 · 18/11/2022 12:43

Most are going for 2 weeks or 10 days. It’s a lot isn’t it, not a price we’d normal spend on a holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kate3478 · 18/11/2022 12:47

jackstini · 18/11/2022 12:35

Definitely would not take all of you!

We’re pretty close. Just myself going would be just over £2k.
But because we have our own wedding I could really do with keeping as much as I can for my own, but I feel like I’m letting them down?

OP posts:

Santagiveyoursackawash · 18/11/2022 12:54

I would def not feel comfortable spending that on someone else's wedding day... Surely at a wedding the only vital people there are the bride and groom?. Your lack of attendance won't ruin their day or marriage! May well affect your household though!

Endofmyteatherr · 18/11/2022 13:08

Your not letting your brother down. Did your brother not factor these costs? That is how the cookie crumbles if the person getting married chooses to do it abroad you can't expect everyone has the budget to attend.

I would explain this to your brother and perhaps buy him and his wife a nice Spa voucher as a present.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 18/11/2022 13:09

If you choose to get married aboard, you have to expect that not everyone invited will want to/be able to attend. That is a huge amount of money. I wouldn't go.
If your brother wants his family there, he'd either be paying for you or have a wedding closer to home.

I'm not a fan of destination weddings! I'm a fan of weddings where all the family can attend.

DeeofDenmark · 18/11/2022 13:10

If you can afford to then go on your own. Your dc are too young to appreciate or remember holiday like that. I would make the effort to go if you can though as you will be missing out on an experience.

AriettyHomily · 18/11/2022 13:13

They chose to get married abroad and unless they are totally dense would have been aware that that means some people won't be able to attend.

I wouldn't go in your situation. I wouldn't want to leave my kids for two weeks.

UsingChangeofName · 18/11/2022 13:13

In your circumstances I probably wouldn't go.
You aren't letting him down, he has chosen to exclude most people by choosing to get married that way.
I would be really sad not to be at any of my siblings' weddings. Now, in my life, I would probably suck it up and go on my own, but I am not needing the money for my own wedding this year and my dc aren't little like yours.

greenhousegal · 18/11/2022 13:14

Not a chance I would go. All that money and stress for a ceremony? Nope.

Maybe suggest that they stream it live for those unable to attend (and there will be many), and you could also do a video call before or during the wedding day.

If brother loves you he will understand.

Hopemax · 18/11/2022 13:18

A close family member of mine once started making plans for a similar wedding, until they realised literally none of their close family could afford to go (without getting into debt). They changed it to a UK wedding thankfully.
I wouldn't get into that amount of debt for someone else's wedding, not even a sibling. Not even the 2k just for you to go, especially not when you have DC, are planning your own wedding and in the current financial situation

Clymene · 18/11/2022 13:19

I would absolutely not go. It's insane to take a loan out to go to someone else's wedding.

If your brother wanted his whole family to be there, he should have thought about the logistics first.

maddy68 · 18/11/2022 13:24

I would go by myself for the week

Glasscup · 18/11/2022 13:26

If you don't have the money you shouldn't put your family in debt.

Your fiance gets a terrible deal whether you leave the children or take them.

There shouldn't be a once in a lifetime holiday for only one of you with shared finances.

I think you're selfish to consider it.

Glasscup · 18/11/2022 13:28

Sadly your brother knew you and your family wouldn't be able to attend in all likelihood. His concern is his special day, not your presence there. Not someone for you to go into debt for.

lovelypidgeon · 18/11/2022 13:36

I wouldn't go. As pp have said, your brother chose to arrange his wedding at an expensive place overseas so you're not letting him down by not going due to cost. If I was going to a 'once in a lifetime' holiday location I would want to share it with my DH. Plus spending £2k-£3k on your brother's wedding will clearly impact on what you can spend on your own wedding (or what other things you have to forego to pay for it). If my DH suggested going on a holiday without me that was more expensive that we would pay for our main holiday I would not be impressed (especially if we were trying to save) and I certainly wouldn't want to be getting in to debt to attend someone else's wedding.

Can't you help him arrange a family celebration locally after they are married?

Alertthecorgis · 18/11/2022 13:40

Your brother is asking a lot. I think it’s so unfair asking people to get into debt over a wedding. I would consider not going. Your brother has chosen to have it miles away at great expense to a lot of people.

Albgo · 18/11/2022 13:42

Is that just the price of the flights or the whole holiday? Could you save costs on accommodation??

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/11/2022 14:11

I'd go just you for a week. Maybe see if there's someone you can share a room with to reduce costs further.

Lollypop701 · 18/11/2022 14:22

ev will say what they will do, because it’s such a personal decision. I wouldn’t tbh, it’s not fair on your own family financially but you know this. I think your question is really‘how do I tell my brother I can’t afford to go to his wedding without upsetting him and expect him to still celebrate mine’ .

if yours is a uk wedding with standard costs to guests, there isn’t a comparison imo . You shouldn’t have to not have the wedding you want because the money has gone on his party. You need to speak to your brother

chipsandpeas · 18/11/2022 14:25

i wouldnt go, your sacrificing money from your own wedding to go to a wedding abroad albeit its your brother

rookiemere · 18/11/2022 14:26

£2k would get a family of 4 a decent holiday.
Could your DPs afford to pay for you to go ?

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