Holiday dilemma

[Kate3478]

Hey,
So, my brother and his fiancé are getting married abroad (long-haul) and it is pretty pricey to take a family of four (£9k). Myself and my partner get married later this year and are desperately trying to save for our own wedding.
My fiancé is completely against going on holiday due to the cost and as he is self employed he wouldn’t earn while away for 2 weeks which would cause financial strain. Which I agree with and understand.

However, I feel like I should go, a lot of my family are going and I feel like I should be there too, this would be a once in a lifetime holiday.
We also have two young children 3&5, my dilemma is do I take them both on my own and probably struggle? Plus struggle to pay for the three of us, (would have to be on credit card or loan). Or go on my own and leave them home with their Daddy, lower cost and just go for a week. Or even just take the eldest with me? Or simply not go at all and tell my brother I can’t.
My fiancé says he doesn’t think I should go as we simply can’t afford it and it’ll impact our own wedding finances, but is supportive whatever I decide I want to do and if the children come.

My sister was married in Vegas. Everyone was welcome to come out with them but there was no real expectation. Actually, I think they hoped no-one would come and the "invite" was more about manners than real expectation. I suspect the same of your brother. If they were heart set on all their family being there, they wouldn't be doing it at the other side of the world from them all!

There can't be an expectation when it's long haul and so pricey. You're totally reasonable to politely decline.

If you don't have the money don't go. You should never get into debt for a holiday. If you do have some money to spend on this, then go for a shorter time or in reduced numbers.

Can't you just go and tie in with someone else that's going to split the cost? The kids can stay with their dad for a week.

Go on your own for a week.

Compromise all round.

Destination weddings are a bloody curse. Most selfish thing ever to expect people to go into debt to attend your wedding. Not a hope in hell would I go into debt for that.

Those of you saying ‘go on your own’, would that apply the other way round too?

An OP saying ‘my DH wants to spend money we don’t have travelling to my sisters wedding, and wants to leave me at home with two small kids for a week while he holidays somewhere glamorous’ would (rightly) get massive sympathy.

Bang on.

Well it would sit right with me to not go to my brothers wedding so I would go for 4/5 days and bring 1dc if possible…but that’s just me.

@MolesOnPoles yes I would insist my dh went on his own if it was the other way round. We are both capable adults who can parent solo!! It’s not a big deal!

I'm sure the OPs DH can parent solo, I'd still resent £2000 of family money - and they don't appear to be rolling in it - being spent in someone's destination wedding.

If you go on your own, have you already got full-time child-care arrangements for DC ?
If not, DP would lose income.

I'd stay at home.

I think your brother is selfish for arranging a far flung destination wedding and expecting family to fork out to join them.
I think you're being selfish for even considering going.
Who planned their wedding first? I think you're both selfish for expecting family and friends to fork out for two weddings in such a short space of time. One of you could have delayed to another year.
There's a COL going on ffs, read the room.

I’d go on my own for a week.

No way would I go, whether it was solo or as a family. In your circumstances I’d spend the money on my own wedding and honeymoon.
Tell your brother you’d love to come but simply cannot afford it and perhaps arrange to take them for a special meal when they return. I’m sure they won’t be upset because if they’ve got half a brain they’ll already have realised it’s not feasible for you to attend.

I wouldn't even consider going in your circumstances.

If it was possible to get the cost down to something more affordable like just you go for only a weekend, sleep in your parents room and take an indirect flight then I would maybe consider going. No idea if that’s possible or not though since you don’t name the destination. Otherwise don’t go, it would be madness to get into debt for it. And when he’s chosen to do something so ridiculously outlandish it has to come with the expectation that not all of his loved ones will be able to make it.

For me it would be either go on your own for as short a time as possible, or not go at all.

Two weeks long haul is an enormous ask of guests. I have done it myself in the past; but it was the Bridge & Grooms home country, not a random destination, and I could afford it both time and money wise.

Your Brother and his Fiancé would be wildly unreasonable to be annoyed with anyone who chose not to go, but as he is your brother I can see why you want to be there.

I would decline and would furthermore not take out a loan in order to go.

Not letting them down at all OP

They have to realise the wedding they have chosen might exclude people due to distance and cost

If you really want to and can manage to go alone, do. But if it means you can't have your wedding then you have to put that first

I do not think the brother is selfish if he understands and accepts that a destination wedding means some people may not attend. he would be selfish if he gets upset that she can’t afford to attend.

Go on your own for the week.
It's your brother, who you're close to, you want to go and yiur partner said he'd be supportive whatever you choose.
So go.