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Original poster

My Ex wants me to say NO to the CSA!!!!!!

27 replies

kernowcat · 24/04/2007 12:08

I'll try to summarise the story so far ......
Ex left 11yrs ago ( two children who were 3 yr 3mnths and 3 mnths). Said he was going to work away and would be back in two weeks. 1 month later phoned to say he wasn't coming back. He cleared out the bank accounts, left mortgage arrears, business debts, took all the business assets (tools) and vehicle.
Saw children infrequently for 1st year then no contact for 4 years. ( I had no contact details for him but kept in touch with his Mum). We moved closer to where he was (unknowingly!!)and he contacted us, starting seeing the children for weekends. (He is now married with a step child and a 3yr old). We moved away and he after a year my son decided to live with him (about 300 miles away). He takes them on holiday abroad at least twice a year whilst I am still struggling finacially and mentally. ( I have a wonderful boyfriend who supports his children from a previous marriage so finds it very difficult to understand exs' behaviour)
The CSA have now demanded a back payment of approx £30k. he wants me to say I don't want it on the basis that he will 'go bankrupt' if I don't and if I do he 'says he will be in a better position to ' help' in the future.

I am still paying of debts.

I am afraid he will turn the children against
me if I refuse.

Help!

OP posts:
Sunyshineymummy · 24/04/2007 12:16

I think you may have put this in the wrong place so bump to get help from anyone else. I'm sorry but he sounds totally in the wrong and you should be entitled to the money. Can you sit your children down and explain?

Piffle · 24/04/2007 12:19

Ask him to make you a better offer.
Cheeky arse

MamaG · 24/04/2007 12:20

tell him to fuck off
he's got a nerve

Lullabyloo · 24/04/2007 12:22

so for you

elkiedee · 24/04/2007 12:23

Would the CSA money come to you anyway, or is some of it in respect of money you had to claim in benefits because your ex wasn't paying it? If the latter, you probably don't have the option to say you don't want it. As for going bankrupt, it's a big threat but what would be the effect for him if he did? Does he own a property? Can he really do it? He's left you with old debts and he doesn't seem to be offering you much help with day to day basics, it's all very well going on foreign holidays but hey, what about ongoing support?

good luck

Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 12:23

thanks, sentiments excatly but I feel really mean and always try to teach the children not to stoop to the level of the wrong doer. No i couldn't sit them down and explain , my son lives with him about 30 miles away and my daughter thinks he is GOD!!!!

OP posts:
Hassled · 24/04/2007 12:25

I can see why you're hesitating, but you need to write down what you think you're entitled to:
How much were the mortgage arrears?
How much was 50% of the emptied bank account?
How much are the debts you're left with and the debts you've cleared since he left?
How much have you been "short" for each of the 11 years since he left?
Add in the cost of a holiday for the kids a year for 11 years.
Work out how close that is to £30K and it'll be easier to decide what to do. Bear in mind he needs to help in the future AS WELL AS deal with the fact he's been no help in the past - it's not a case of one or the other. What a tosser

Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 12:27

elkiedee- the amount is what they are asking on my behalf, he has to pay £16k for the benefits I have received in the past.

As far as I know he jointly owns the house with his wife. (Her family are quite comfortable and I know they have helped in the past (buying the house, holidays etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 12:32

how do I bump the thread?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 24/04/2007 13:01

Does he have equity in his house? He could remortgage and release £30k and pay it back.
Do you have to pay him child support for the child that lives with him?

Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 13:56

He wouldn't answer questions regarding his house. No I don't pay him for taking my son away. (he moved there 18mnths ago).

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 24/04/2007 14:00

I would take the money...if he can't afford it the csa will make him pay it back in instalments anyway....if he really wants to turn the kids against you (which i doubt he could) when they're old enough you can tell them the whole story of how he lft you and them to struggle for years....

giddyfeet · 24/04/2007 14:05

Tell him to get lost. If he goes bankrupt it is not your problem. He didn't think of your financial situation when he went off, did he? If you are currently on benefits you wont be able to say no to the CSA anyway.

And hes not saying if you do me this favour, I'll make sure you are alright financially. He is saying make this go away and I'll give you more empty promises I have no intention of fulfilling.

Personally, I am glad a father is being made to pay for the consequences of his actions for once. Shame it is not high profile otherwise it might make others think twice.

Stick to your guns.

Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 14:08

Sometimes I get the feeling that he can do no wrong in their eyes because they are afraid that he will disappear again. Obviously now DS is living with him its slightly different , but the situation is hard for DD. Anytime I have to say no she threatens to go and live with him. A few months ago I called her bluff and said she should phone and tell him. He replied he doesn't think she old enough yet but when she leaves primary school she can if she wants. (she's due to leave in July).

'One day when they are older' has kept me going all these years!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 14:24

bumping for support

OP posts:
Blandmum · 24/04/2007 14:27

I bet he flipping well wants you not to use the CSA.

Cheeky flaming bastard

'better position to help' my fat welsh arse

ScoobyDooooo · 24/04/2007 14:29

I would take the money from the CSA bloody cheek he owes you, don't turn it down because you will probably do this & he won't help you, he will think he has got away with it again.

What a total arsehole he is!

mumto3girls · 24/04/2007 14:30

By the way...just because he says it's okay for them to live with him doesn't mean you have to agree...

Personally I wouldn't have let DD phone him because I'd be scared that I was just letting her think that I didn't care if she lived with me or not...

2cheekymonkeys · 24/04/2007 14:34

Don't turn down the money, it's what you are owed. I don't think you'd be given the option anyway because if some of it is to pay back the government for yiur benefits they will take it whether you/he like it or not. anyway he can surely find £30k by remortgaging or something or they'd let him pay in instalments.
And don't let him turn your children against you when you've had to struggle alone all these years. You don't have to let your daughter go and live with him, even if she thinks this is what she wants. he can't take her either without going through the courts and I can't see a judge handing custody to him with his track record.
He's already treated you so badly, don't let him do it again.

2cheekymonkeys · 24/04/2007 14:34

Don't turn down the money, it's what you are owed. I don't think you'd be given the option anyway because if some of it is to pay back the government for yiur benefits they will take it whether you/he like it or not. anyway he can surely find £30k by remortgaging or something or they'd let him pay in instalments.
And don't let him turn your children against you when you've had to struggle alone all these years. You don't have to let your daughter go and live with him, even if she thinks this is what she wants. he can't take her either without going through the courts and I can't see a judge handing custody to him with his track record.
He's already treated you so badly, don't let him do it again.

Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 14:51

I let DD phone because I am always telling her I do want her here and she sees how upset I was about her bro. I never expected him to say what he did.
No she is not going!

He has just phoned to check that I received his letter. I said no!

we jointly owned a house, but I paid the mortgage on it and so when I went to sell it he agreed to sign it over to me for the childrens sake. He is using this to make me feel bad.

Should I make a deal about a lesser amount of money so that I can pay of the debts and start fresh?

OP posts:
Original poster
kernowcat · 24/04/2007 14:55

Hi MB, just read your news. kind thoughts to all at MB ship!

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persephonesnape · 24/04/2007 15:49

no! you're entitled to the £30k - morally you're entitled to a whole lot more. I've struggled without any maintenance from my ex partner for just over three years now and I'm absolutely at the end of my tether. wouldn't you like to have expensive holidays abroad with both of your children?

how old is your boy? I'd be getting custody of my son back as well! if both the children live with him you'll be paying him maintenance!

seriously, he's being a cheeky sod.

Judy1234 · 24/04/2007 15:50

So search his address at the landregistry on line so you can see how owns the house he lives in. It's probably gone up in value. The CSA could get an order over the house and force him to sell it may be or remortgage it to release the £30k equity there may be in it. If he is keeping your son you should pay maintenance for the son but that's up to the father to claim.

Original poster
kernowcat · 25/04/2007 15:08

Thanks. I feel stronger and more able to stand up against his emotional blackmail now.
Update situation soon.

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