wobbles at university

[sharkpostitnote]

Hi moms, im sorry to say but I'm really struggling at university, and i really need some advice. Ill give some background.

I got very good grades in my A-Levels in 2025, and was set to go to my chosen university. A week in, I freaked because I wasnt ready, and took a gap year. I reapplied, and now I've been at my 26/27 for 5 weeks and I'm feeling very low.
It's a multitude of things, i'll try and list them.

Mental Health
Possible the best jumping point, I've always been anxious. I have meetings with a therapist weekly, and a supportive family. Ive reached out to my Academic Supervisor, and have a meeting scheduled with the mental health team. The thing is, I don't know if its my anxiety that's not letting me settle in and feel like I should be here, or if its not actually for me

Social Life
I'm an easy going person, and I'm really trying all the tricks in the book. Drinking, going to societies, talking to coursemates, talking with my flatmates (though, sadly ive been put with a rough bunch, and im not sure they like me very much). And I havent made any friends what so ever. It makes me feel like a failure, especially with the looming pressure of finding second year housing.

Course
I've never really been certain about a course, because I still don't have a clear job in mind. That's left me picking a course that I think could contribute to my future, but its a Business and Creative Technology degree, so I have the obvious wobbles that it wont be worth the paper its on.

Alternative Routes
I don't feel confident in alternative routes either, like an apprenticeship or a degree apprenticeship. Ive been told they’re very hard to get, are often in subjects that I'm not too interested in. My family wants me to stick with the university route, as I have one successful brother that's done it and loved it, and one that's also doing it. So when I worry that this isn't for me, I'm always crushed with the damning feeling of what on earth else would i be doing??? What other possible option can I take if university isn't for me, if i want to have a secure future?

Do things just magically get better at Christmas? It feels so painful going to sleep each day hoping for things to gradually feel better and waking up having that not happen. I'm socialising, going to societies, keeping on top of my work, and i feel like I'm seeing no reward. I want the university experience, I want a good degree and friends and for my entire outlook to change, but I'm really struggling

What am I doing wrong? How can i change? What can i even do at this point?

I actually think your biggest problem here is the course, when ai went to uni and also DD who is there now. It was because it was something we really wanted to study, there was a purpose to being there.

I wouldn't ever encourage my children to go to university if it wasn't something they really wanted to do. Was there a subject you where really passionate about and wanted to study at all?
If not I'd be considering working for a few years. You can always go back to uni when you are more sure off what you would like to do.

As I keep reminding my children not everyone has a straight path to a career and often people change what they do during their lives. You don't always have to do everything in a set order.

All I can say is that if you leave, make sure it is before December 2nd as after that you will have to pay for your first year. Leave after, and you will have to pay

All I can say is that if you leave, make sure it is before December 2nd as after that you will have to pay for your first year. Leave after, and you will have to pay

I am not sure uni i what you should be doing to be honest

My DD is in her third year. She has made one friend - she is not a drinker but threw herself in and joined societies, worked in the student newspaper and various other things. She also volunteers. She quickly hated her housemates in her second year (never met anyone on her floor her first year due to the odd arrangement of rooms). Now she’s at a house let room by room so she feels no pressure to socialise and if they happen to be in the kitchen they have a nice chat but that’s it (except the one man who doesn’t seem to talk to anyone).
So socially - give it time. You may, or may not, ‘meet your tribe’. And the ‘uni experience’ is vastly overrated in many cases. It’s early days though.
My DD loves her subject though, and enjoys writing her essays. She has a good relationship with a couple professors who she has connected with on a deeper level. But she does feel that for many people university is a con, and having a degree - any degree - is unnecessary (and before someone jumps in and mentions all the so called transferable skills, I say bollocks. Anyone can learn how to be organised and detailed and disciplined while working at an actual job). But the society we live in seems to demand it, even though most will not go on to work in anything relating to their degree subject.
She now sees her time as a means to an end. She has experienced a lot, learned a lot about herself, matured. She’d have done most of that working.
I think there’s two things here. University itself, and the degree. You have to figure out if the degree is worth the time, effort and money. The social side? I wouldn’t really take that as part of the equation. Yes it would be great to make friends and no doubt they would make the three years so much more enjoyable, but it may not happen.
There was a program/podcast/article (no idea what) that suggested there should be two different types of universities. One for those who go for the social experience, one for those who actually want to learn. My DD would choose the latter. What about you?
If it really isn’t the right course don’t waste three years on it. Maybe uni is not for you at all.

I agree with the PP that having a degree is not necessarily being successful, and it's also not necessary to have a "university experience" to thrive and mature. Like you, I was a good student and got good grades. I went to university on a full scholarship, but I didn't gel with either the course or the people and ended up dropping out (to my parents' dismay, I have to say). However, I now have two masters and a PhD under my belt (with no undergraduate degree!). It just happened later in my life when I realised what I wanted to learn about and how I could go about doing that. So my advice to you would be to add into all the other considerations that you need to mull over, the idea that, should you want to pick up an academic degree or two, there will be time and opportunities later on. Or that you may realise as your life unfolds that you don't need or want a degree at all. You've asked: What other possible option can I take if university isn't for me, if i want to have a secure future? But you should know that even finishing your course and getting a good degree isn't a guarantee of a secure future. You're going to meet with someone at the university about your mental health and that's a good starting place. What did you do last year when you were taking a break from uni? Could you go back to that or did that give you any ideas of what you might like to try your hand at? I'd ask to speak to a careers advisor at your university to explore options other than the course you're one. It might be that you'd be more enthused if you switched to something else. I do hope that you can figure out what to do about your situation before you incur too many more fees. Good luck!

Chin up pet, whatever happens you already have good results, so stay or leave, you will be ok.

You don't mention sport, anything appeal? Exercise is fantastic for mental health and making friends. What do you enjoy? I know some of the sports do sadly sometimes revolve around drinking, but I'm sure there are many students involved who go to be healthy and those are your people. Rowing (if available) is great if you can join in with the novices, because then you get involved with circuits and running and it quietly just builds you into a good social life. I'm sure the same with lots of other sports. Just keep being yourself and keep exploring all the opportunities available to you to make best use of your time. Even part time working or volunteering to augment your CV. Something will click and if it doesn't, then no harm done, you gave it your best shot and another path is for you.

When I took my gap year, it took me half the year to get a job. When I looked at apprenticeships, I really couldn’t find any that I’d be genuinely interested in, and I know an apprenticeship can be gruelling if you don’t actually want to do them. I think it’s partly just the way I’m wired?
I feel like I’ll feel terrified no matter what path I go down, since I was like 10 I never really saw myself getting any older (not in a bad way, in a ‘I genuinely can’t fathom being on my own as an adult’ way). So in an ideal world, my brain wants me to just do a minimum wage job and live at my parents all my life (as lame as that sounds)
When I was comfortable, I looked at all the options of what I could study, and whittled it down to what I have now. So my predicament is - is university not actually good for me, or is it just the anxiety and change my brain doesn’t like?

@sharkpostitnote why did you decide to go to university in the first place?

I think if you can remember what was/is driving your decision to choose that path over another, it might help you figure out your current situation. I don't think that it's a question of university not "being good for you" so much as right now you don't sound as if being at university is a part of your journey to adulthood. And as such, I don't think that it's that "you just don't like change" or that you're not "wired" in a way that will make your current university experience click, but that you're not yet on a path that you can recognise. You perhaps feel more like you're in limbo or in some sort of holding pattern.

I may be reading you wrong here, but you've mentioned some familial pressure to attend university. Since you got good A Level grades, there may have been some sort of expectation (both from your family and from yourself) that you would naturally go on to further studies. And thus, your feelings of wanting to stay at home and do an unskilled minimum wage job may not be you not wanting to grow up, but a fear of failure (that you might not succeed at university studies). We all have a fear of failure to some degree or another, and for sure life will give you many more challenges like this as you grow older.

So I'd be questioning myself not why I'm unsettled now, but how you can use this as an opportunity to mature. Sometimes we have to take risks; actually most of the decisions any of us make are risks. To trust in someone, to purchase something, to move somewhere -- it's all a risk. It's a risk for you to stay on your course and it'll be another kind of risk to drop out. Really only you can weigh up which of those risks will help you to grow. I wish you well in this endeavour.

Thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot.
I’m not the biggest partier, but I have been drinking and going to the club. And I go to campus gym when I can, and I have a running society on Wednesdays!
I just feel a little hopeless. I both feel uni isn’t for me, and apprenticeships aren’t for me, or anything for that matter. I know my parents think that this is a cycle that will just go on and on until I leap out and do something, so Uni’s the best go. I think it’s a ‘get out your comfort zone and realise you actually can do things’ thing
i just feel a little aimless, and maybe my anxiety is making things not click for me? I don’t know !

I feel that your expectations are way too high for only 5 weeks in. It is hard when everything is new and more so when you have anxiety. Recognise that the vast majority are faking it until they make it. It is rare to make a close friend in just 5 weeks. Keep doing what you are doing and it should become easier next term.

If you are not enjoying the course then look at the year 2 modules, are they better? If not then I think you need to seriously consider walking away or trying to swop.

Are there degree courses you’re keener on?

Annoyingly, no 😔

I went to uni. One society I joined, I met a girl who'd gone through the whole of 1st year and made no friends. Which is why she joined this particular society. So not everyone makes loads of friends, especially not in just a few weeks.

I hope with the first paragraph, you’re right. I really hope so!

I didn’t really seem interested in any other course. My ideal employment is being part of a group, a company, making something creative (marketing, producing etc) so I picked the course that fit that the most ( Business and Creative Industry). My parents are worried that it’s my anxiety that’s making me not enjoy the course, and they might be right. They think I’ll feel this way no matter what course I do, and I think they’re definitely right about that. I’m just at a loss!

My DD has just started a medicine course. She says all her medic friends are loving university but a lot of her other friends aren't. I think it's so hard to get into medicine you have to be really sure that's what you want to do and that's why the medic students enjoy themselves at Uni (plus, they seem to be the most social, she's constantly at social events organised by the medics society). Most of her other school friends are struggling socially and haven't yet met their tribe.

My niece dropped out half way through her first year. She then didn't complete her prestigious apprenticeship. She had mental health issues and went off the rails for a bit, then had a lot of therapy and now is in her late 20s and has a good job she excell at that really suits her. Her sister went to a prestigious university and had a great time and got a good degree but has found it hard to find a job she loves, I'm sure she will eventually. As they say in Scotland #nowrongpath. The ones who have a strong vocation and know what they want to do at 18 are the exception. I think the cost of university adds pressure as well, paying for fees when you're not 100% forces you towards quitting when if you didn't have that over you it might be easier to give it more of a chance and see how it goes for longer.

You say that ideally you want to work in a minimum wage job and live with your parents forever — what is so appealing about this? You also say something about not being able to conceive of yourself ‘on your own as an adult’? What do you mean by this?

You say you are living with a rough bunch. Would you consider requesting a room move? Lots of people swap rooms, I know I did.

Anxiety

Still go out, but go alcohol free - literally no one is monitoring how much, or even if, you drink. Alcohol is horrible for anxiety, ruins sleep and costs money. Loads of students quietly swerve it, so don't feel under an obligation to drink.

Exercise, including out in fresh air, will help you sleep and lower cortisol.

Food - don't forget your protein, fruit and veg. Your body and brain needs good fuel.

To a large extent the value of your University degree is what you make of your time there. You are going great getting involved with things and keeping up with your workload.

If still not settled/degree still not for you in a while, you could apply to lots of jobs and opportunities at the same time and see where that might take you. Or maybe use all the resources of your degree to start your own start up.

It is very normal to feel homesick and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding the place you most love and want to ultimately return to is home at some stage. If you got very good results though, I bet you are on a good course, so maybe give it a little longer... After all, tomorrow is another day. You never know what will happen, who you will meet, what you will discover.

Goodluck, whatever you decide!

I live with a rough bunch, but I don’t think it’s rough enough to upheaval everything.
And thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot. I am really trying, and I will continue trying (until Christmas? I’m so scared to go home for reading week, I might not be able to come back). I just want everything to click and fit into place so I stop feeling these awful feelings. Everyone is telling me to just give it time, it gets easier, and it’s so hard to trust them, but I don’t see any other course of action? So I might aswell

When you say you are low and really struggling... ultimately your health comes first. Only you can really gauge things. Keep talking to family, therapist, academic contact.

If you decide Uni is not for you, well plenty of people do great without it. There are other paths. I understand you wanting to give it a fair crack of the whip this time though, especially if uncertain what else appeals at the moment. Sometimes the best task master is 'needs must' and too many options can be a torture, rather than the blessing. Whatever way you decide, you are gaining experience, so never wasted.

It must be difficult if you think your flat mates don't like you much ... Not sure if that is depression talking. I know I can perceive things negatively at times without that being the reality of the situation at all. But where and with whom you live can have a big impact on your form, so don't discount moving. Maybe worth checking out what else is available? And if a space offered which seems a better fit, rope a few people into helping you move and it will take no time and then you have made a connection with them too.

I did not enjoy my first term and discussed dropping out as I had been offered a job whilst on Christmas break. Family encouraged me to go back. Unbeknownst to me, someone else in our flat asked for us all to be reallocated (it had not occurred to me to ask nor that anyone else was not enjoying it) and we were all given our own rooms elsewhere. It was such a relief! Rest of first year much better. There will always be houses looking for extra people to join them right up to the start of next year or the single room type of commercial student living, so try not to worry too far ahead on the housing front if you decide to give it more time.

I do wonder what way my life would have turned if I had stuck to my guns and not returned after the first term. With hindsight the best thing I got from Uni was the opportunity to develop a fearlessness of travelling and meeting people and living on my own, always knowing home was there for me to return to as the place I loved best. It opened my world. Other ways of achieving that of course, but worth looking into opportunities for next summer.

There are many, many paths to make a life, to make a living and most of them do not follow a long term plan, but twist and turn along the way. It will work out okay whichever way you decide, it genuinely will. Let yourself enjoy the journey, even the not so enjoyable bits and navigating your way to improving things make you stronger, and the future will take care of itself.

I think its fair to give it until Christmas to see how you feel then. 5 weeks is not long at all. I hated my first term of university and wasnt massively keen on my whole first year to be honest! Im not the sort of person who makes friends easily (it takes me a while to get to know people) so I felt horribly lonely for a long time.
I think the whole university experience thing is far too hyped up and a lot of people do not have the time of their lives or make loads of amazing friends and connections. It is ultimately all just a marketing ploy by the Universities to get you to go and pay!

My DD has just started university this year and is also not having an amazing, fun, sociable experience. She is thinking if she still hates it at Christmas she might pack in and reapply next year for a university closer to home so she can at least live at home and have the security of her family while doing her course. Is that something you could look at? Would that make things feel any better?

How did you find A Levels? And more specifically the transition from GCSEs to A Levels? Over your gap year, how independent were you? Did you cook/clean/do your own washing?

I don’t (need to) know where you are at Uni and how close it might be to parkland/countryside/interesting town of village but the weather looks fine and sunny on Friday and Saturday on the Met Office in Somerset/Sussex/Yorkshire. A bright day can lift your mood. If you have students’ numbers in your phone, post a message to see whether anybody fancies getting off campus for a walk and a coffee/beer. There could be quite a few sat feeling lonely too. You don’t need to make as much small talk if you are strolling ahead.

Alternatively do you have any (reasonably) local friends you could visit/have visit/meet halfway?

As to the course (way out of my area of expertise), you are only a few weeks in. Can you find some second years to ask about how it progressed (ideally you would find them yourself, but you could ask your personal tutor).

I think there is a lot of pressure on students to gel with housemates they would ordinarily run a mile from (old fashioned catered halls seemed a lot better to me). Talk to the warden/reception to see whether other flats are likely to have space.

If you are near a town or city, plenty of the big and small retailers are currently recruiting for Christmas work. With some gap year work under your belt you stand a good chance of being interviewed.

I think you shoold talk to student services / supper about all of this and your academic advisor.
Sometimes talking things through helps . Are you in York ( I know someone who did that particular degree there ). If you are there are loads of societies , maybe you havnt found the right one?
Like a pp said you have to like your course . That’s the most important thing .

Did you do A levels and did you enjoy learning or studying then?

Was there anything that made you initially want to go to uni rather than pressure from your parents?

What about friends from before? Do you have any peers you can talk to?