How can I help my son? Uni options

[PrincessOfPreschool]

DS is in Y12. His school want them to fill in UCAS and finish it by mid June. He is totally stuck on what to do for a uni course. He's had a hard year, starting a new school, left all his friends who he misses dreadfully, getting used to commuting (after a short walk his entire school life), and a close friend - almost a girlfriend - in a mental health crisis (in mental health unit since Jan, still there). He seems quite down, tired and overwhelmed the past month when he's usually such an energetic, happy, confident person.

Academically he's doing really well. He'll be predicted 3 A* (Maths, Chemistry, Spanish) by school for Uni. He could get that in real life if he works (he didn't work that hard for his summer mocks due to feeling the way I've mentioned above).

I'm worried about him.

He's changed tack from doing Languages and Linguistics to maybe Chemistry, but basically doesn't know what he wants to do, doesn't really want to study further, no ideas about jobs or apprenticeships. He just seems drained and avoidant of future for conversations/ research. He's done minimal super curricular and these are all language based. His passion is learning languages but not the literature etc.

I feel little he's getting all this pressure from school but I know it's with good reason in terms of him being quite gifted and with potential to do really well. But he's still so young.

I'm just not sure how best to support him.

• do I intervene and ask school to back off?
• do I leave him to go at his own pace and maybe end up with nothing post Y13?
• do I look up courses etc for him and support with application?

What would you wise Mumsnetters advise?

I looked up courses etc but DD was dragging her heels over the whole thing and her heart wasn't in it, she decided in the end to take a gap year and applied for a totally different subject a year later and is quite happily settled at uni now.

100% gap year! Don’t research courses for him, you have to be so self motivated to go to uni that he’s got at least have an interest in doing some research himself.

Exactly what others have said. Good luck

That seems quite early for school to be requesting all the UCAS inputs - I get they don’t want to have a deluge of ucas admin and support right at the deadline, but the Oxbridge deadlines are mid October (so mid-late September for schools really) and the others can be added through to end of the year (ucas deadline mid Jan) - the schools input is needed for the first application but once that’s in the others can be added easily (I think?)

It is good to be thinking of the options now, but if he’s just not in a place to do that, I’d be seeing if the school can back off a bit for now - you do have time really. And perhaps a year out to consider options? If you can persuade him to go to a couple of open days it may give him space to start thinking of possibilities - he could go along to stem, languages, linguistics etc all at the same day.

I have twins currently in y12. One knows what they want to do, won't go to open days and is insisting on only applying to the commutable universities so they can stay at home (this is probably the right choice due to health issues).
The other twin had vague preferences towards two of the alevels but not much else. So I took dt2 to two local universities to just get a feel /look at possible options. It payed off one university dt2 said no way were they going there, the other they came out after seeing different options with an area they'd like to explore and also options of apprenticeships in that area, it also ruled out one area totally. It was really useful to narrow down areas and also maybe more importantly rule out subjects. Dc2 has decided to apply for apprenticeships and university to keep the options open till after results day.
I have an older dc who didn't cope at school (due to health issues and asd) they decided to take a year out after y13 and work. They never went to university full-time but stayed in work and have done a degree through work (payed for and got a wage at the same time). It wasn't planned but has worked for them.
All three I think will/have taken different routes depending on what was right for them. They'll all get there in the end but at different paces. Its ok to take a year out or to decide university isn't the right choice. I do know from dc1 they have to be the driving force or it won't work. They have to have the self motivation.

@PrincessOfPreschool
Firstly, tell the school to back off. June is way too early.
Some Unis have open days May/June/July, but if DC is undecided then they are more likely to be going to open days in Sep/Oct/Nov (of Y13). And you have until Jan to apply (for the initial deadline).

Why so early?

DS did most research and did a spreadsheet of good/bad points of his chosen uni/course.

DH went with him on open days, but stepped back to let DS take the lead for discussions with lecturers, students etc

Did discuss with us, but ultimately his choice

It sounds like maybe a gap year would be right for him, if he's not even sure he wants to go to uni. But if he decides that he does, if he's predicted good grades once he's got his grades he can apply and he should get offers immediately. That's what I did - I applied in my gap year, chose my uni, then went off and enjoyed the rest of my year.

If he is doing A level Spanish how would he feel about traveling to/ working in a Spanish-speaking country for a bit? How is the careers advice at his school - could he maybe go and have a chat with them to discuss post-18 options?

School may be pushing for (or at least considering) Oxbridge with those grades. If he doesn't want to study further (at this point) then suggest that is out, and means a later application, to give more time to decide what to do.

If he wants to look at apprenticeships then depending on what they are, applications will start at the start of Y13.

Sounds like a gap year is best (with a purpose of 'finding out').

Thanks all for the good advice. I definitely think a gap year but wondered if it's better to do application whilst at school and then defer entry. No need to worry about applications in year off. I also worry DS2 needs a grade 'challenge' to aim for. He's never been very motivated academically apart from languages. He does enjoy Chem now but I think it's that he likes the teacher who is also very good.

I think the early application is because of Oxbridge and to 'get it out of the way' this term as summer exams are over and it's fairly relaxed. Therefore it's a good time to focus - IF you know what you want and had a less heavy year emotionally.

I'll research some open days but push no further. I will ask him if he wants me to speak to school regarding a later application and reducing pressure.

This DS(2) is also a twin. DD (also Y12) has more idea of what to do and is attending a much less pressured school so more time. Older DS is now 20, didn't want uni, now unemployed and v depressed with zero direction/ self confidence. Don't want DS2 to go that way as well! (Not said that to him but obviously it does prey on my mind).

Thank you!

Most schools just want students to fill in their basic information on UCAS and register in the summer. They can then decide on their course and universities later.
Can he just fill in the basic information to make them happy?

Gap year, without a doubt. If he needs a something to aim for in terms of working hard for his best grades, then offer some kind of bribe!

Regarding your 20 year old ds, 20 is not too old for a uni course, far from it. He could do an access course if need be, then find a course which is actually designed to lead to employment.

Academic and former Russell Group admissions tutor here. I also wonder how pupils are meant to complete their UCAS applications before having the summer to think about the important choices to be made?

Gently, I wonder if this is really correct. If it is, I do think DS has good reason to need some extra time and he may need parental help to acquire it. (I think all the pupils could benefit from having the summer to think about their choices, but that isn’t his fight, or yours.)

I agree with PP that if DS is still unsure come autumn, a gap year may be a great idea. I’ve found that most of my tutees and other UGs I have known who have taken gap years have had a good sense of purpose and the many positive attributes that flow from this. I wish more would do it!

Also, as a practical matter, if DS is resident in England SFE will extend the tuition loan automatically for one year only beyond the period of the original degree programme. That’s not a lot of wiggle room, so it’s better to go slower if necessary and try to get it right the first time.

Best wishes to DS

OP, your older DS is a fine age for university! Depression won’t be helping, of course, but what else is stopping him?

Many, many slightly older students do very well indeed.

I agree it sounds as if a gap year might be a good thing. A job to earn some money and to get some work and life experience is excellent, and having a break from education allows time to think about what he really wants.

Most schools start mentioning it now because some students won’t even have it on the radar.

this way they all know to start thinking about it and going to open days.

school will aldo want to get a sense of who knows exactly what they want and is working towards it and who needs a bit more support.

he can register and put in basic details.

beyond that it’s worth going to open days if only because he may get a sense of what he doesn’t want (I’m never going there!)

Is UCAS even open for 2027 applications yet? Or are school using a platform like unifrog to help them narrow down options and start responses. He needs to go to a few open days, ideally with sample lectures in potential subjects.

They expect a personal statement to be written over May half term! (School obsessed with Oxbridge). I imagine the personal statement needs to have a direction towards a course/ subject, show interest. I guess it's to help them see gaps so to know what they can do over the summer to fill it out? I dunno. I was never keen on this school but his old school didn't offer Spanish and this school is very desirable, very hard to get in, he got in.

Hi, OP -

Are the school aware that the PS is changing for 2027 entry?

Applicants will answer three specific questions. The overall word length is unchanged, but it includes answers to all three questions. They are tightly focused. UCAS has subject specific guides to help applicants orientate their answers.

It doesn’t sound like DS is anywhere near ready to do this, whether or not he will be taking a gap year. He may well need parental help to make this clear to the school.

I do not see the point of the school’s method, even with an Oxbridge fixation.

Yes, very much aware of new personal statement. Hmmmm... Might need to get a meet with form tutor.

I’d separate UCAS admin from course choice. He can register and fill in the basic details now without locking himself into a subject. Your useful role is to narrow experiments: two open days, one careers chat, three possible courses, and one non-uni route. If nothing creates energy, a planned gap year is better than a rushed course.

PS changed for 2026 entry 🙂

A gap year was the first thing to sprung to my mind too when I read your OP. And yes, ask school to back off a bit - he's got a lot on his mind and there's no need to be stressing out over uni applications this early.

While a gap year seems sensible, it cant be because hes avoiding thinking about his future.

I'd talk to him about making an active choice. He doesnt need to know what he wants to do at uni or where he wants to go. But he does need to decide if further study is something he wants to explore. And if he wants a gap year, he needs to think about what he will do in it. Because youre right, if he takes a gap year having not applied to unis, he has to apply during that gap year and meet all of the deadlines. I also assume you dont want him sitting around at home for a year!

I think I'd encourage some speculative applications. So a local uni would be a good one to consider in the mix. It also means he can decline any offers and go into clearing if he changes his mind at the last minute after results day. But be clear that applying doesnt mean he is going to that uni or has to go to uni at all. Its just keeping his options wide open.