DC is unhappy and wants to quit uni

[SilverGlitterBaubles]

So DC did not get into their uni of choice in Sep and went for an alternative course and uni through clearing. It was all a bit rushed due to the system and timelines but they were adamant at the time this was the best option. They have not had a bad year but overall the experience is not as expected. Course is ok but apparently not that inspiring and she feels that mostly people just use chat gpt for assignments and the whole thing is a farce. They have not made a lot of friends due to last minute accommodation allocation not being available on main campus. Not sure how to approach this so any advice would be appreciated. TIA

Apply to transfer to uni of choice?
https://www.ucas.com/money-and-student-life/student-life/starting-university-or-college/changing-or-leaving-your-course

It's OK to accept that it was the wrong choice and start again. Students get an extra year of funding so if this was a three-year course they can start another three-year course in Sept.

Is there another course and uni they would prefer? With their A level grades what would they get? Could they spend some time looking at the options and see if they appeal – a different uni, a different course?

It's quite brave to admit a mistake and look for the next way. Not easy. Often easier to stay where you are and try to finish but if it's not right that might not end well.

Otoh the things you mention don’t seem terrible. Others using ChatGPT – not their concern really. Are they getting their assignments done and how are the marks? Course not inspiring? ok what is on the list for next year? Does that look any better? Have they been able to choose modules and topics?

Not many friends bc of accommodation – I know a lot of YP who have shared with their first-year flatmates but it's not the only way. DD made friends on her course, DS2 has had an army of friends through his sport. Does she do any activities? Has she met ppl through her course? Sometimes you really need to work at this and a new unis may not be any better if they don't have a plan for their social life.

I’d encourage her to finish year. It’s probably just exams to go.
Then leave uni and take a year out.
Go go open days and apply for 2027 entry. Don’t rush. Think about what’s really important to them. They will get funding to start again somewhere else for full course.

Thank you all. She is doing well on her course and will pass first year with a first so is doing well. We encouraged joining of clubs and societies which she did but generally didn’t enjoy having to dress up and crawl to the bar for a shot. She is very outgoing and social generally but has encountered groups of girls who are quite immature and cliquey and not people she has gelled with. It is sad to see her so lost but I am pleased she is being honest.

I hated my university. Haaaated it. However, much as my mum said to me at the time (and it was a four year course): you’re nearly a year in, so a third down. Just plough on, get the First, and GTFO of there.

The ChatGPT stuff will be at other universities too.

@MauriceTheMusselThe issue is that she is aware of the cost and the debt and does not want to just plough on and have this debt for something she’s not happy with.

Is it a vocational course (engineering, med, nursing) that will lead to a job? Obvs you don't have to say. But I am thinking if she is hating it and concerned about the debt and the course is something like Eng lit (apols to Eng lit graduates inc my DD haha) then there is less motivation I guess as it might be hard to see the point of it in the sense that it is not needed for specific jobs (tho a graduate role requires a degree obvs).

The thing about dressing up and crawling to the bar is not something that my DC would recognise I suspect. There are other groups, other activities. What does she enjoy doing? Does she play a sport, or would she like to volunteer, take on a SU role, does she play an instrument, enjoy climbing, love reading? There will be an activity that does not involve drinking shots for sure. This might be a way into enjoying it more.

Or get her to identify why she hates it (clearly not a struggle with the work) and work from there.

She should drop out now and not incur any more costs, then take a gap year and apply again for the uni and course she really wants to do. All of the open days are happening soon. She should try to get a job whilst she’s waiting to restart. Lots of young people take a gap year or two.

DD didn’t make any friend in her halls in her first year. There were a lot of international students who seemed to keep with others from their home country so she was lonely. She made a really good friend on her course though and met more people through them and is now in a flat in 2nd year and enjoying every second of life

Is there any chance of moving into accommodation on campus? Are you able to give the name of the uni? Someone here may have specific advice for that particular uni.

But I think if it's too awful, cut your losses and find a more suitable course/uni for her elsewhere in September.

Do you think she is being realistic? Genuine question, because it sounds like a fairly typical uni experience in some ways. Chat gpt use is universal, and "inspiring" is such a subjective description, playing devil's advocate I'd say that at this level the onus is on the student to pursue what interests or inspires them. But if she is genuinely on a poorly-run course or one that's not the right fit for her, and she feels a fresh start would benefit her, then a transfer or starting again is the way forward, plenty of students do this. I suppose just a bit of expectation management alongside it.

So does she want to drop out entirely or just be at a different university?

The problem with cutting losses now for another uni is that the stakes get raised. What if the second is equally lacking?

It sounds like mindset is an issue. She didn’t pick to go there so perhaps has been quick to pick fault with it. She didn’t like an activity at a society but perhaps rather than thinking I’ll try another type of group has dismissed as they all are like that. Likewise students are very varied, so what if a few groups aren’t her cup of tea. Maybe a bit of a break from studying, working and volunteering and maybe travel will help. Lot’s depends on uni and course.
Other option if she has a decent cv is to try for a degree apprenticeship if she’s worried re debt.

But it might be the same at another university - there is no guarantee that the social side will be any better wherever she goes and the worry here is that there may be an element of unrealistic expectations had she gone to her first choice / rose tinted spectacles and Chat gpt will certainly be an issue wherever she goes. Already a year in if she is doing well on the actual course I think I would be encouraging her to consider how she might look for her tribe - what other clubs / societies / sports could she try rather than ditching it and starting fresh somewhere else as it will be an extra year and no guarantees it will be any better. Ultimately it will be your DD decision as an adult but she needs to approach it with eyes open about how it is not a perception of how it should be in her mind.

I’d encourage her to leave if she has an alternative plan. I was miserable at uni and could have done my job without a degree

Use the Easter holidays to have a break and discuss the options. Ie. Restarting at another university, either in year two if a similar course, or starting afresh. Or continuing where she is.Trying to get an apprenticeship, or job etc. Sime of her issues will be common to other places, and if she does start again, her fellow students will be a year younger.

Thinking about two people who dropped out, one went to a different uni and did something completely different, and one changed courses at the same uni, and is a lot happier. Different cohort of friends.

What does she want to do after uni? Is the degree vital for it? My whole thinking on this has changed. If I had teens now I’d be advising them into roles that AI can’t touch and specifically more practical careers such as builder, electrician, plumber, joiner-regardless of sex.

Reassure her she's not going to be the only one feeling like this. Lots of people don't find their feet immediately and it's disheartening given the narrative around this time being so amazing.
She has choices.
I would imagine it's likely that course content will be more challenging in the second year, but if she is doing humanities/arts then the onus is on her to find her own path and inspiration.
A better informed choice of accommodation for next year would give her social opportunities.
But if she needs a new environment - you can change universities/courses altogether. She needs to speak to her personal tutor for some advice.
Taking time out and reconsidering uni altogether is an option, but I'd be really reluctant to encourage my own DD to do similar - university should be a positive experience and an opportunity to grow and learn.

I have tried to get to the bottom of it and the main issue seems to be that she has not made any real friends. This is despite trying to meet others on her course or by joining society’s and groups. A lot of the groups seemed to form around uni accommodation or pre uni friendships. I have been clear that there is no guarantee that her experience will be different at another university. She could possibly transfer into a similar course going into 2nd year but with friend groups already established this would potentially lead to her feeling isolated again. The other option is to start a new course in 1st year and again no guarantees that this would be any better. I’m also concerned that she has signed for her 2nd year house and we will need to apply for student finance by June. I want her to be happy but also realistic about her situation.

Tricky. As you say, there's no guarantees with any choice.
As she's signed up for a house, that's another layer of complication as she'll need to find someone else to take the room or you'll have to pay for it anyway.
Is she friends with her prospective house mates at all?

The house was committed to again in a rush due to accommodation shortages. This was with were some early friendships that have fizzled out and DD has effectively been blanked for months.

I wouldn’t worry at all about being a year older. Gap years very common so starting at 19 won’t be a thing at all.
The house is a big issue. She’ll need to try and get someone to take the room. Do the other housemates have anyone in mind?
Different unis do have very different demographics eg some have lots of local commuters, some high percentage private school. If she is jumping ship to a new uni I’d encourage several visits inc open and offer day.

My DS loves uni and the whole living with friends. He sailed through the first year but has had a terrible 2nd year.

Prior to uni he’d experienced 4 years of family bereavements and both DH and I had serious health problems. It culminated with my DSis, his aunt dying of cancer ( rapid and terminal at diagnosis) during his first term at uni. I think it was the straw that broke the camels back and he spiralled down. He has failed to complete any of his modules and we had to contact the uni wellbeing unit when he broke down and admitted he “didn’t want to be here” he was not referring to uni or his flat.

He then contacted his tutor and explained his situation. She has been great and has totally backed off. He didn’t want a leave of absence because he wouldn’t have been able to access the online course content. He has worked on his mental health, joined a gym and committed to play rugby most weekends at home. It has worked and he is very much back to his normal self. He had become very irritable and had no motivation.

My initial reaction to him spiralling was that he may have ADHD that wasn’t as obvious at school with better structure but since he was always super motivated prior to uni and never struggled with organisation. I now realise that he had classic symptoms of depression but was desperately trying to cope with it.

His flatmates have been great and along with his network of friends have watched him. His best friend had also gone through a very similar period and like DS has struggled to work out what was wrong or reach out. They met up recently and were able to open up. DS said he felt so much better when he realised he was not alone. He and his best friend are really the “solid” ones you would least expect to struggle but maybe this is the common mistake we make with young male adults and why they often seem to take their lives with no warning.

DS had a bit of a dip when he was 17 but we put it down to the pandemic and what was going on at home. Despite explaining all this his head of house was surprised that he was struggling since he was always so “solid”, his terminology. As a result of his dip he has learned how to turn things around but because he was away from home we were not able to spot the changes as easily as when he was in sixth form.

Maybe learning what keeps his mental health ticking over as a young adult will help him in the longterm.

OP the current group of uni students do seem to be struggling. Having spoken with the uni wellbeing unit they are aware of an increase in problems. My DS’s uni were incredibly quick to react and within 2hrs of me sending a request they had contacted him and had a chat. I thought he would be angry with me but he was relieved that he’d admitted he was struggling and he was able to work out a plan to fix it.

DS felt he was on his own but having opened up he realises that nearly everyone has a serious wobble. Sometimes it needs a change in direction, sometimes they just need the reassurance that it is normal to question decisions and it’s ok to change direction. Better to do that now before the are years deep into an unsuitable career.

This could be at the root at the problem.
She really doesn't want to move into that house with people who are blanking her.
If you could solve the problem of the house (by trying to get someone else to take on the room and find somewhere else for DD), how would she feel about the rest of it?
If she's doing well on the course, on track for a first, even if it's not that inspirational, it would be worth sticking with it.

I struggled in my first year with friendships and it wasn't until 2nd year when I met people who have become lifelong friends. None of us are bar crawl/clubbing type people.

@Crwysmamsorry to hear about your DS and struggles and good to her that uni and his mates have been so supportive.

It’s interesting to hear that the uni noticed an increase in problems with this cohort, it reminded me that teachers at college have said the same. My DC’s experience is that there is an element of immaturity with the kind of girl arguments and cliques more like you would expect in secondary school.