Students living at home - maybe an expected but saddening trend

[mids2019]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4g09p93m29o

Anecdotally this is really becoming a thing and due to costs students are eschewing the whole student experience of living away from home. As well as cost savings I think there is a perhaps savvy realisation that being thrown into a house or hall with strangers is maybe a step too far from an exploratory point of view. No one wants to be quiet one in a party flat or corridor for instance. In addition I think parents of girls fully realise some of the dangers of being away from home for an extended period perhaps for the first time combined with plenty of access to drugs and alcohol is not perhaps the safest.

However could the prospect of university just being an extension of school from a living point of view limit social mobility with students preferring a home town university to one some distance away with a better reputation?.Does work need to be done (and ideally in some fantasy world funded)_to ensure working class kids are not being put off well regarded unis because of distance?

Adults should want to move out when they're ready. Not kids. And parents, of course, should support that. This idea that 18 year olds should move out immediately is very privileged and quite modern. It's a lot for young people to move out from the family unit, often to places where they know no-one, have no support, and if it's uni these days, often with many, many empty hours to fill because there are few lectures.

We’re in France where it is completely normal for students to stay at home. DS1 just started uni, he’s next door plunking away on a guitar in his room at home. It’s a learning curve having a young adult at home, but I like him being here most of the time. He still goes out, has his girlfriend over etc but he’s got a steady base to come back to.

I look back on my own student days with something approaching horror tbh. It was pure luck that I got through those years physically and mentally intact. I don’t feel nostalgic for it at all. Staggering drunk around town, one night stands, just horrible. My sister until recently worked in student services at a big RG university in the UK, dealing with the fallout for young woman mostly, of rape, sexual assault, excessive drink and drugs - just horrible. I know that not all students go crazy when they leave home, but I did and I wouldn’t push any young person towards it.

I went to uni in Australia and lived at home. It was the normal thing to do in our city and we were quite poor. I have encouraged my children to move away for uni.

Two of the three have gone so far and they loved uni. We can afford to help them though so my eldest has left uni with no debt (he also did part time work). Living at home makes sense financially and I can certainly understand why students do it, but I think it's better to move away if possible.

I was desperate to live away from home for uni (just for the experience) but I knew how expensive it was and my parents fell into the middle category where they had too much money for me to be entitled to any grants but not enough to afford to pay my rent particularly as my sister was at uni at the same time.

I ended up using my minimum loan and staying int the cheapest possible accommodation. I also worked a lot. In my block of 40 students only two of us had jobs and we were judged for working “why don’t you just live off your loan”. Not appreciating that some students don’t have the luxury of their parents paying for their rent. It was infuriating.

that was 20 years ago. Student accommodation has only got more expensive and loans more expensive. Not sure why anyone is surprised tha students are staying at home.

such a shame as uni life was amazing and I loved living away from home

I like in a city with several universities and young people often choose to live at home to save money. That didn’t suit my dc and they moved away. I think we were lucky because accommodation wasn’t anywhere near as expensive as some people are claiming. Obviously there was expensive accommodation on offer but that seems to be very quiet and used by international students who tend to keep themselves to themselves. I’ve noticed a trend in parents to boast about their dc not drinking. Both mine do, one is very social, the other less so but still partakes. It’s not some moral deficiency for young people to want to have a drink and a dance and laugh and a lot of them are able to navigate this perfectly well.

I am trying to decide whether this is particularly sad or just concerning.

Ist year is partying and making friends. After that it’s knuckling down to your studies if you want a decent degree. My son is in second year and said he no longer really meets new people at uni, which is why it’s probably best to do that in your first year.

Good for you that you can afford to do this for her but not sure it really is of any relevance to the conversation as a whole because I am pretty sure that buy them a flat/house then is the solution for the vast majority.

This isn’t a new thing. I did a 1.5 hour commute to university 15 years ago as after doing the sums I would have had about 50p for food if I moved out to university accommodation.

Not sure how it works now, but back then the amount of student grant and loan I received depended on parents income, and mine was lower as my parents were deemed by some formula to have income to support me. Except they didn't have the money to do this, it’s ridiculous the government thinks because your parents earn a particular amount that they will give money to support their ADULT children at university.

My parents let me live at home rent free during uni, but they couldn’t afford to give me any cash to move away. I’m sure many others are in this position.

I agree, but I'd extend student loans to other forms of learning, such as apprenticeships, and maybe even as far as driving lessons, HGV lessons, etc., which are too often a barrier for the young. Around here, there are no "large employers" so apprenticeships are either impossible (due to costs of living away with little income) or being stuck in tiny one-man firms which are often unsuitable, especially for young girls who don't want to be stuck all day working alongside a couple of neanderthal plumbers or roofers! The son of one of our neighbours has only managed a decent apprenticeship because he can live with his uncle/aunt who live closer to the employer's plant, some 100 miles away! If student loans were extended it would open more doors to our young and remove Uni as being the only option for a sizeable number of youngsters.

Indeed. A combination of both l feel.

I lived at home. Had a great experience but that was the norm in my home country. In the UK they need to move away to grow up? and leave uni with a massive debt. Not sure why; terrible system

It has many practical benefits and we have set aside money for DS as a result. He is well supported.

I do feel he missing out learning by doing how to be more independent. We also observe him struggling to organise himself and do not know if
we are helping and he is better off in this respect or worse.

He will have way less debt and a reasonable lump sum for deposit for a house.

Socially - less opportunities

Domestic - less though he does cook and do laundry and has a weekly chore - while he does these thing we are here advising and prompting him.

Work - less motivated to get a part time job to have more financial independence.

He was in the house on/off for two years almost during lockdown, has never gone out much. Not sure if this has just become a continuation of that.

When I said it I meant in the context they felt ready to try and live away from me in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. That doesn’t in itself mean those who stay at home during uni have failed, but it was a relief to me that mine wanted to spread their wings. As much as I love my children (very, very much) after so many years of being a (single) mum I needed the break. Now I really enjoy my son’s visits in term break without having to be ‘on’ as mum 24/7 12 months a year.

Oh dear, you seem to think you are the thread police. It may be of relevance, or it may not, to either OP, or to others. As may other people’s input. You are not the judge.

When I went off to university, just 18, 51 years ago my parents dropped me at the gate and off I went, excited to have true independence. Over the next 3 years I lived in 2 not very salubrious halls, are my first Indian food, met people from all over the world and made friends for life. I didn’t know much about the world even though I thought I did. If I’d stayed at home I would have missed out on the full and exhilarating experience of student life.
When it came time for my two sons to go to university I sent them off for the viewings and an interview on the train, these were their decisions to make, not mine. In due course they had at least as good an experience as me. I would not have wanted them to stay at home.

Yeah agreed

I don’t want to be shoving mine out the door when we are trying to downsize to start retirement!

I want my DC to be happy and o recognise that their lifestyle/stage may not be compatible with how we see our retirement going.

@MabelsBeats look at studio flats (although usually private rather than uni accommodation). Some are similar to normal uni halls in the sense that there are communal areas if you want to join in but flat will be self contained eg kitchen area and en suite or some are houses that have been turned into self contained flats

It’s not a bizarre concept to leave home in order to grow up. My sons can come back and live at home any time they want but both love their independence and I love that they love that. I was the same, very independent by choice from a late teen. My boys tasted independence and liked it.

I agree uni debt is a terrible system though, especially considering it is free in some countries.

My dd hated it in halls. In her apartment no-one really spoke to each other and one guy constantly stole food off the others from the communal fridge. Unless they caught him red handed the Uni said nothing could be done.
Socially my dd had the time of her life for the first eighteen month until her second year flatmates/ friends have all turned against her and she is miserable living where she is. If it wasn't for her bf I think she would have tried to transfer to a Uni closer to home as she now has no friends apart from him.
DS it at a different Uni. He has made one close friend in four years. He would have been better staying at home.
It really isn't all it's cracked up to be, although I do think that by moving away. they have learnt independence.

@DelinquentSnails Thank you for your post too! I went to university in the 90s and had a ball. It was also quite dangerous in retrospect-I was offered drugs frequently and was sometimes in precarious situations. Fortunately, nothing bad happened. Maybe I shouldn't assume that going away to university is the norm when it clearly isn't in other countries.
I think my DS likes the idea of university but maybe this is because my DH and I have said how much fun it is and this might falsely raise his expectations if it doesn't turn out to be.

Thank you, I’d not considered this but it would make sense - will definitely look into!

I think it can make a difference where people live, if you live rurally or in a small town, even if there is a university within a commutable distance many young people might want to spread their wings further. We live pretty rurally, DS has gone to a city university and loves the availability of public transport and opening hours of many places. It’s a very different world to where we live. He’s still not a party animal. We can see how much he has grown in independence

How sad. I am wondering why so many young people feel the need they have to go crazy with drugs, alcohol and sex to have a good time at university and so many parents accept it like the norm, right of passage. Sure they are young and have to make mistakes but some of the things people describe really put me off my daughters moving out for university, I hope they are sensible

No I'm not the judge because you already told me I'm the police.

I am sure people can work out whether they can buy a house willy nilly for their precious princesses themselves and not because someone on MN suggests they do. 🤪🤣