Oxbridge and Autism 10 years ago

[Tartanesque]

Not sure if this is the right place so any suggestions of where to post is welcome. A decade ago my DD was sent down because she was struggling with her mental health. Although only 10 years ago the understanding of Autism in girls was limited. Indeed it is only now that I am aware that this was the problem. The shame and trauma that this decision by the University has had on her life is profound and during the last ten years it has coincided with close family bereavement. I am only too aware that difficult decisions had to be made by the University but I do think now there would have been a more nuanced approach. I work in HE so am aware of the changes that have happened re MH support etc.At he very least parents would have been contacted before the crisis emerged. I wonder if it is worth finding some way of at least closing this trauma by just having a chat with someone and recognition or something…Probably not but I worry that if something happens to me …there will be no peace.

Then she needs to address this mental 'block' in therapy, I think -- it's considerably more likely to help her move forward than trying to elicit some sense of resolution from staff at her college a decade on. I agree with other posters that it's unlikely to have been handled particularly differently now. She had a year out to recover, with some deadlines to keep her in touch with her degree work, but if she couldn't read, far less meet those deadlines, then she would have been far from recovered enough to face back into the stresses of finals.

(And bear in mind that even someone who's had time out for a physical illness and comes back to do Finals with a new cohort with perfectly good MH is likely to find that an extra stressor, with their original cohort having moved on to their post-university lives.)

I agree, it sounds like the family are ruminating over what happened / what could have been -
the adjustment of a life plan that didn’t work out, and the transition around all that …

I would focus on repairing her self esteem -
detaching from the ruminations of what could / should have been …

focusing on her life in the here and now and future

reconcile that oxbridge was not a good fit, and that is OK

Is she in work OP? If she isn’t, then focusing on supporting her in job seeking may be a good strategy. I know there are vicious circles in play here. But the distraction/change of scene/confidence boost of being in work are all good things.

Just to add, making contact with the college - may be risky, they may acknowledge that mental health support / ND reasonable adjustments could have been better - but ultimately will they not reinforce the position that your daughter lost her place on the course because she was as not able to submit the work at the right level -
having that reinforced could be detrimental ?

I don't see any reason why a college would voluntarily acknowledge that their MH support was lacking a decade after the fact, in case the OP or her daughter are planning some kind of legal case in the wake of the Natasha Abrahart case at the U of Bristol (during which the judge refused to rule that universities had a 'duty of care' towards their students, though the university was found not to have made sufficient adjustments to assessment methods for a student diagnosed with chronic anxiety; she took her own life the day she was supposed to take part in a group presentation). Especially if, as the OP suggests, some resources were offered that the OP's daughter chose not to access.

I agree that seeing it all set down in print again might actually be detrimental to the OP's daughter's clearly still fragile MH.

OP, I can't see if you said this -- did your daughter have an autism diagnosis during her Oxford days? Does she now?

I was there late 90s too and I'm also autistic. I don't think the college did anything wrong here - you said her mental state was so poor she couldn't even read. I agree that they are unlikely to say they'd do anything differently now, particularly if neither she nor they knew that her difficulties were due to autism at the time.

I would strongly suggest your daughter looks into RSD - rejection sensitive dysphoria - which is common with ASD and ADHD.

The perfectionism and the overwhelming feeling of shame you mention - when really she has nothing to be ashamed about, she gave Oxford a go, it wasn't the right uni for her and she went on to succeed elsewhere - are both characteristic of RSD. There's a good article about it here.

All Harsh but Fair! Thank you . I suppose the bereavement. ( have to be sensitive here) meant that I was struggling and maybe have got a bit stuck. Agree going back to college is a bad idea. In a way just looking for someone to say … we did not reject her … it was just not right for her … you did your best. The autism was not diagnosed till after but looking back now it was always there but she was so brilliant …

I am so sorry this has hung over her for so long. I remember reading something a long time ago about "acceptance" that something has happened / changed / been lost - and looking to the future, not backwards. And it sort of resonates with this need for closure that seems to be the main thing holding you both back (I hope that's fair to say).I wonder if some private psychological work with a therapist might help - and I don't mean endless sessions, but you go in thinking - ok we'll try three sessions or 6 and then we leave it there.