Phone tracking while at university

[Fenimore]

Astonished that so many parents I know are tracking their kids by phone. These are 18/19 year olds. I guess the young people don’t mind or they’d turn off the tracking. I just don’t think it’s healthy.

One parent I know is checking every day to see if their son is at lectures as well as what time he’s home from a night out.

i don’t track DD. One, she really wouldn’t like it and two, I think it would be stressful as well as being an invasion of privacy.

Does anyone do this?

I didn't track mine.
They are adults at Uni (albeit young ones). Learning independence.

This really concerns me because it seems so irrational.

A) I am aware of no special increase in violence against 18/19 year olds in the last decade or so? Frankly, people are much more likely to be harmed by someone they know well, in their own home, than by a stranger when out and about, so if you really want to "rape-proof" your daughter's life (and sadly you can't, without also robbing her of all quality of life) you would have to ban her from ever having a male partner, close friend or family member.

Maybe you do that too.

B) the tracking, as others have said, can't save her from harm. And I find your phrasing regarding it weird. "Protect her". "Save her". Like you'll be taking to the skies in your cape whenever her little dot stops moving at a place you haven't pre-approved.

C) the "very very close" but is creepy. Almost everyone is close to their kids, but they still respect them enough to allow them privacy.

My daughter would never in a million years let her dad and I track her. Even if we wanted to, which we don't. She loves us but she doesn't tell us everything she does - and why would I want her to? It's normal and healthy for young people to have a private life separate from their parents.

But it's all part of the infantilisation of young people we see everywhere these days. Really frustrated me.

Never crossed my mind to track my DDs at uni.
Only thing we did was that if they hadn't been in touch for a week, we sent a pic of the dog being daft. We were/are very aware they have their own life to lead and own choices to make. Nice to know they are alive from time to time.

Tracking would just be an anxiety inducer.

My DS has always refused to be tracked and he has disabled pretty much everything Google on his phone, uses some strange Linux-based OS (I don't understand this stuff). I don't even know if I have this feature on my Android phone, actually. I use landline and only use my phone for texts and logging in at work really.

Teaching young adults that it is ok to have another adult tracking them from a distance is setting them up for a life of not being able to recognise that someone is crossing boundaries into controlling behaviour. I would absolutely hate to have the minutiae of every daily move monitored. I think back to my student days and how awful it would have been to have my mum knowing I had stayed at a friend's flat instead of mine, or that I had been late for a lecture from several hundred miles away.

My 18 year old is currently on a gap year- I’ve been able to track her since she was about 16. I don’t take the piss. I know not to ask intrusive questions. We’ve found a balance. And sometimes it’s handy. She can track me too

I always note two main things when people talk about tracking.
1- "it makes me feel better to know" so it's just about refusing to let go and/or own anxiety
2- "i can just check when they are on way home so I can cook" and similar so essentially just removing need to communicate. It's not like it's hard to have a quick call.

Tracking does have its place, eg. going on a hike by myself, but having it on all the time is ott and basically useless. It just gives false sense of security (it doesn't prevent anything) and removes need to properly communicate. And on top of that, the normalisation of it absolutely is of benefit to abusers. Whether partners or parents.

My two young adult DC live in London. We all track each other for safety reasons, following some pretty hair raising experiences for all three of us.

We are all happy with it.

As others have said, tracking won’t stop anyone being attacked or being in danger, either from someone else or themselves . I think it’s given people a false sense of security “oh I can see they’re in their student accommodation so all is well”. They could be taking ketamine/choking on vomit/fighting off some random another housemate let in. These scenarios all happened to housemates of my own DC whilst at university, their Ma meanwhile is in cloud cuckoo land assuming they’re “safe”. Ridiculous.

You do realise that if those students had got trackers on their phones that they would still have been stabbed? That a rapist isn’t going to stop because someone’s mum might be tracking them? It’s an absolute nonsense to say you’re keeping them safe by tracking them - be honest, you’re just being nosey and almost stalking them!

When DD started university, she and her friend both downloaded Life360 to follow each other (going to different cities). Friend's older sibling also has them on there.
I have DD's agreement that I can ask her friend for DD's location if I'm really worried and cannot contact DD herself. Friend's mum has the same permissions.
Much as I would like to see where she is, I think she also needs to be given a bit of respect as an adult.
I left home at 17 for uni and phoned my parents once a week. I have no idea how my mum coped with that. 😧

This. I'm so perturbed by the refusal to let go or deal with anxiety and with the acceptance that as far as possible we shouldn't communicate with each other if there's a tech solution to prevent it (see also people who say 'Google it' when people ask things on here).

I would never track my DC or agree to be tracked by them or my DH

On the subject of calling home - I really resented the "call us when you get back, just to know you're safe" thing in the late 80s because if I forgot to call immediately and called after I'd chatted to my housemates, had some dinner, had a shower and settled down (or started to get ready to go out) and then thought "shit, I forgot to call mum and dad" - I'd get endless recriminations. If I did call the minute I got in, they would still expect a conversation about the journey, which route I'd taken, what was I going to have for tea, who is around etc.

If you switch on location tracking just for the travelling that mental load is removed!

I find it useful my kids track me as I'm often picking them up from train stations - they can check how far away I am/ whether I'm stuck in traffic or still at work and there's no point rushing for a tight connection, and I can check when I need to leave etc. It's often more annoying to call - and sometimes I can't easily answer the phone/ make a call at work especially because being stuck longer than planned usually means handling someone's crisis. It's definitely helpful.

Also helpful that everyone knows they can turn it off.

The mother of Barnaby Webber said that she had noticed his phone was in the area and not moving at the time of the Nottingham attacks. So no, tracking your children will not prevent them being hurt or worse.

Let’s call it what it is - anxious parents using it as a tool to hold on to some control.

I would agree with an app that sent location and an emergency alert in certain situations, eg the phone was travelling at speed in a car and an impact was detected, or the car stopped suddenly. Anything else is completely unnecessary.

2 of my 3 kids are on Life360. I don’t check where they are. If they are not at work or uni that is on them! It does pop up informing me my 21 yr old got home at 4am which makes me laugh (he’s at uni abroad).

We allow kids to have every freedom to go to unsalubrious places online, but deny them the freedom of physical privacy. It is completely upside down. The biggest dangers are online - allowing kids physical independence is allowing them to grow up, take responsibility and become adults. And telling them that the physical world is OK, somewhere to enjoy and explore and not somewhere to be scared of! I find it no coincidence that the kids 'with anxiety' are the ones being tracked - which is the chicken, which the egg?

Plus, don't you have better things to do? Live your own life and let your kids live theirs. It isn't good for your own anxieties either. DOI: two kids at uni, one in the capital, one 800 miles away. Never tracked them or DH and would find it an alarming invasion of privacy if anyone wanted to track me. I am an autonomous person - and so are they.

Hate cameras too! Feel like I need to get off the world, sometimes.

Maybe @omgno222 isn't going to come back so maybe you can explain how tracking would have avoided the hair raising experiences

I’m 26, me and my mum have each other on life360. It started when they went on holiday last year because she wasn’t going to be on her phone much but wanted us to know where they were. She now uses it as I go off on solo trips a lot and it’s easier than asking me to text a lot.

I don’t think it’s healthy at all.

I track my two sons age 14 and 16, but have told my 16 year old he can turn it off if he wants. He hasn’t yet, but the only time I really look where he is is to plan dinner.

Once they are living away from home, and I am encouraging my children to go to uni away from home, it serves no purpose.

Even creepier is couples tracking one another. I have one friend whose son’s girlfriend demanded he keep location sharing on when he was at uni and send pictures when he was out with friends.

Location sharing can be very controlling.

From the responses there seems to be some families using it as a family tool. I wouldn’t do that either tbh but that makes more sense than sending a child off to uni to then track their every move.

I know not everyone is taking it to extremes but I know some are. I think we have to be comfortable letting our kids lead their own lives.

Sorry but I find you weird.

I find it strange tracking someone who is now an adult at 18. Absolutely no way would I have allowed my mother to 🤣 cut the apron strings already.

It’s absolutely weird - I wouldn’t be happy being tracked by anyone now, let alone by my parents when I went to uni.
I can’t help but think it could make the person being tracked more vulnerable, as in gives them a false sense of security or makes them more anxious. And that if it is normalised by a parent then it could be pushed by the wrong flavour of partner more readily.

Ours aren't adults yet. 16yo pointed out that because we manage her phone through family link, we can track her and she can't track us and the thought that wasn't fair. We're now all trackable on Google maps. I imagine at 18 she may decide to hide her location and that's fine.

When I was attacked, the journey would have looked like this.

Walking up street.
Stopping for a few minutes to talk to friends as we separated
Walking
Stopping for a few minutes as other friends peeled off
Walking
Stopped for a few minutes
Moving faster
Home

So the "stop" would have looked like all the others. Like every other night o did that journey.