Uni starters 2025/26 all welcome

[NCTDN]

Following on from a year 13 support thread, thought this might be nice to ease us into their new chapters. We had a lovely one for my older DC so created this to help us navigate everything!

My dd went off on the 13th. She came home the following week in tears. She hadn’t been eating, sleeping, going out. She has anxiety.
The following day she said she was returning and now I get one letter texts when she can fit me in. She’s having a great time.
I would go and visit and support him. It takes time and it will certainly help you both right now.

Thank you @simplesimoneatspie and @unsurewhattodoaboutit . Particularly helpful to find out that your DD is much happier after two weeks and that coming home helped. Student support interestingly said that in their experience visiting was good idea but them coming home usually made it worse bur of course they are all individuals. DS has agreed to talk to us tonight (he hates talking on phone so may not happen) so I’ll decide after that but at moment I’m leaning towards going.

It's so hard isn't it knowing what's best. If you can encourage him to start small and just make his lectures he probably won't have to chat with anyone but it fills time and builds a routine.
I think it's difficult to go into the kitchen if you haven't from the start it's almost like a trap then in your room. You could say to him go and make a drink just break the ice say hello and make a drink small steps of possible.
Does he have any hobbies or sports where he could join a society of like minded people? Like a chess club or board games or D&D or similar?
I'm sure you have said all this to him just trying to think of some ideas.

Clubs and societies
are definitely the way forward.

How is everyone doing? I think I’ve done really to get through the week without any tears, but now the weekend is looming and I’m missing my boy

Well done @NCTDN for a few days without tears. I'm hoping that will be me before too long.

Spoke to DS this evening. He wants to come home, but we've told him to give it more time. But I'm going down to see him tomorrow, so he will get out of the flat and get some human contact and proper food. I'll probably go with him to the laundrette as well so next time won't seem so daunting. And check out where he needs to go on Monday (again, as already did it when we dropped him off) as that will make it slightly more likely he will go to his lectures. And once he's managed that first one hopefully the rest will follow. Then maybe he will over time make friends - though even people he starts to recognise and can have a brief conversation with would be a start.

I had assumed he would have at least been gaming with his mates from home but he's too worried about flatmates hearing, so he's not even had that contact. Since Tuesday, he's managed a hello to a flatmate, which is progress, but otherwise spoken to no one until us today.

Of course clubs and societies are the way to go, but he absolutely won't go as that would mean walking into a place full of people he doesn't know - he's also not got any hobbies/interests other than gaming (don't think we haven't tried!), since he gave up football, which was really good for him socially, because he felt too out of place as everyone else was so confident.

Anyway, we're aiming for a fresh start next week, put Freshers Week behind us and move on.

There might be a gaming society, @AliMonkey - would he give something like that a go?

@BonjourCrisette - there is and I did wonder if he might as it looks like they basically game a lot online but also meet for socials so might be a way in (but first he has to get over his worry about his flatmates hearing him gaming!) I'll definitely mention it to him tomorrow.

Oh, that's good, sounds like a great way to meet some non-scary people! Also, with hearing him gaming, has he got some decent headphones? Maybe that would help a bit.

Yes he’s got decent gaming headphones so flatmates wouldn’t hear the game itself or his mates talking, but as someone who normally speaks very quietly he can get very animated when gaming and is self-conscious. Hoping to persuade him to start by playing his dad as he will feel able to not say much to him.

This parenting lark is so hard isn’t it ?!
@AliMonkeyi hope things go well visiting him and you can reassure him that things are ok.

I’m on a lovely thread for my other child’s university year. We’ve got a list of who is studying where, and people have helped each other out, sent their child round to check on another one etc. I’m happy to generate a list if people would like it ?
My ds is at uni of Sheffield.

Another Lancaster mom here, we go Sunday! It’s felt like a long wait, I’m mixed in being excited for him to go but worried about how he’ll make friends etc as he doesn’t know anyone up there

@AliMonkey I hope DS is OK. Do you think if you got a big pizza to share with flatmates from Domino's etc, it might help him break through the ice a bit? My DS2 is also very socially anxious, he's in a small studio by himself as he has various OCD habits that flatmates would find annoying. So he's eating, but hasn't talked to anyone really or gone out socially.

DS2 has an app via DSA, Brain In Hand. He says it has the option of talking to someone if feeling low and periodically asks him to rate his mood. He's not felt like he's really needed it, but DSA also said they could assign in person mentors. DS2 really didn't want that, but I'm hoping he might change his mind over time.

DS2 does seem to be enjoying the course and was proud of the notes he'd taken and how he'd organised them. Something he's never been great at, and even talking positively about himself is quite unlike DS2. A lot of it is online but he's been walking to the campus and attending. He's quite far and said the cafeteria is too noisy and busy for him in between lectures, but he's found a quiet place to sit and study now

The list sounds like a lovely idea @NCTDN DS2 is at Exeter

@AliMonkeyI wonder if your DS might find things a bit easier when teaching starts? He'll have some proper structure, plus something in common with course mates. Freshers' week is very odd, and not a great representation of university life proper, especially if you're not the most confident socially.

@NCTDNthat's a nice idea for people to offer to be points of contact. My DC doesn't start for another week, but I thought before about mentioning that I'm very local to Manchester, MMU and Salford unis (and on campus every Saturday anyway) in the unlikely event that anyone's DC ever has the kind of emergency that might need a parental type.

THANK YOU!!

Could you ask him if there's games he plays that are quieter? Or would he be able to tell him friends that he can't say much?

However knowing what (my also normally quiet) ds is like when gaming with friends, then I do have a certain sympathy with both him not wanting to and potential flatmates - especially if walls are thin as they often are in student accommodation.

With ds it varies between the games where it is a constant:
"... Haz, Haz Haz, turn left! I said Left!... AAGGGHH move it... Computer's lagging. Mark don't go there. MOVE!!..." all at top volume followed by a frustrating/delighted bang on the desk.
Or the ones where it's general chat until urgent when the house will be rocked with a sudden "AAGGGH" or "YES!" which normally seems to happen when I'm just dosing off to sleep and I jump a mile!

And when he gets on, he'll often go until midnight. His room is next to ours and there have been times when I've sent him a message telling him to keep it down. He does quieten down, but will forget when things are getting exciting.
I think the headphones make it worse as he doesn't realise how loud he's getting.

It changes him from this quiet, gently speaking 18yo into loud and disturbing for everyone around. I can hear him all over the house when it's particularly exciting.

I don't know what the solution is really. I've been thinking the same with ds, although his bedroom is quite well insulated and a little bit out of the way so shouldn't disturb too many people.
Could you suggest he say does Saturday night, and puts a curfew on it. Or asks the people near to text him if he's disturbing them? Texting is easier than coming round for both.

And the boy is in at Lancaster :)
No tears, I am a pragmatic sort. He's gone over to the college welcome talk with his flat in a group so that is a good start.
Aldi in town was a bit of a dreadful ordeal but it is done now!

DS is another normally quietly speaking shy chap who also yells late into the night when gaming with friends. I will miss the screeches and laughter from his room!

DS has been at Lincoln for a week now. He seems to have been having a high old time during freshers, likes the people in his flat and says there's about three on his course who he thinks he'll get on well with - he's doing physics and he says there's quite a few geeky types, and he's really not a geek.
He's joined the basketball club (he's never played before but wants to), the corf ball club (he's no clue what it is but they were doing try-outs in the sports hall during the sports fair and wanted him) and the climbing club (he's a climber so on familiar territory here).
He's not sure about the maths & physics soc as he said they all seemed a bit serious and boring, but I said he should give it a try and see how it goes.
I've been down to see him today to take the stuff he forgot / has now decided he wants. He seems settled. He was really pleased to see me (read: my credit card) and allowed me to take him to the supermarket and out for lunch 😂
Hope things carry on in this vein.
They were having an open day and it felt a bit weird looking at all the kids wandering around with their parents - that was us last year, and he's all growed up now!

Korfball is a fab sport - a cross between Basketball and Netball, and it is a mixed sport designed to be fair to both sexes. And the guys I knew who played it found it a great way to meet people.

I would also recommend the subject society - as it might be a bit dry but often they arrange interesting trips (eg CERN).

Thanks @MollyButton, (at least we know how it's spelt now 😁) he did say you couldn't move with the ball and I said it sounded a bit like netball.
I'll mention the possibility of trips, that would encourage him I think - he went to CERN on a school trip and it really inspired him.

Thank you all for your support. I was glad I went to see DS today, and he was glad of company and a pub meal. We walked 2 miles to his nearest big supermarket (too anxious to get the bus, and we drove to it last weekend) so he now feels confident to walk there, and said he might just deliberately walk there each week to get a couple of things rather than the closer small one so he gets some exercise and fresh air, so was pleased to hear that.

He even said he now appreciates all we've done for him in terms of cooking/cleaning/etc and that, much as he was desperate to leave home for his independence, he realises he does actually like spending time with us. That's a breakthrough for a boy who frequently acts as if we were the last people he'd ever want to see. But of course I'd rather he was making friends and not having time to see us!

I felt like the visit had raised his spirits and he was more confident after I'd explained the controls in the kitchen (hoping he will at least heat up a pizza or ready meal this week) and we'd found all the places he needs to get to next week. Then he looked again at his timetable and realised that it's different every week (had thought it was a two-week cycle) and he has more hours of lectures each week than he was led to believe (had thought it was 6-10, looks more like 10-15) and one day has a sold six hours. And started to talk again about not sticking it out for more than a couple of weeks. As far as I'm concerned, having more lectures gives him less time to mope and more opportunity to make friends but he didn't see it that way. Anyway, as @TheTurn0fTheScrew says, hoping it will be easier from next week, provided he can force himself to attend.

Sounds like many of your gamers are like mine - quiet until they are gaming with their friends and @MargaretThursday you described it perfectly. Having been in his flat for an hour or so today, I really don't think they can hear much from each other's room unless in the corridor so I encouraged him to try gaming with home friends - it's not helped that he's had a tendency to game late at night and he's chosen to be in a quiet flat (minimal noise after 11pm, low alcohol) as drunks make him anxious, but maybe he will give it a go.

Thank you all for your support. I was glad I went to see DS today, and he was glad of company and a pub meal. We walked 2 miles to his nearest big supermarket (too anxious to get the bus, and we drove to it last weekend) so he now feels confident to walk there, and said he might just deliberately walk there each week to get a couple of things rather than the closer small one so he gets some exercise and fresh air, so was pleased to hear that.

He even said he now appreciates all we've done for him in terms of cooking/cleaning/etc and that, much as he was desperate to leave home for his independence, he realises he does actually like spending time with us. That's a breakthrough for a boy who frequently acts as if we were the last people he'd ever want to see. But of course I'd rather he was making friends and not having time to see us!

I felt like the visit had raised his spirits and he was more confident after I'd explained the controls in the kitchen (hoping he will at least heat up a pizza or ready meal this week) and we'd found all the places he needs to get to next week. Then he looked again at his timetable and realised that it's different every week (had thought it was a two-week cycle) and he has more hours of lectures each week than he was led to believe (had thought it was 6-10, looks more like 10-15) and one day has a sold six hours. And started to talk again about not sticking it out for more than a couple of weeks. As far as I'm concerned, having more lectures gives him less time to mope and more opportunity to make friends but he didn't see it that way. Anyway, as @TheTurn0fTheScrew says, hoping it will be easier from next week, provided he can force himself to attend.

Sounds like many of your gamers are like mine - quiet until they are gaming with their friends and @MargaretThursday you described it perfectly. Having been in his flat for an hour or so today, I really don't think they can hear much from each other's room unless in the corridor so I encouraged him to try gaming with home friends - it's not helped that he's had a tendency to game late at night and he's chosen to be in a quiet flat (minimal noise after 11pm, low alcohol) as drunks make him anxious, but maybe he will give it a go.

@AliMonkey good to hear that you spent some time with your DS. Hopefully, things will improve once lectures start properly. He may be feeling overwhelmed with the thought of the amount of lectures and not knowing what it is going to be like.

My DD is also in a quiet, no alcohol accommodation. I was surprised to find that her flat is all boys except for one other girl, it hasn’t really helped her settle in but she is doing really well. One of her flatmates had a very large gaming computer in the corridor as she was moving in.

She has also managed to make spaghetti bolognese, enough for about a month 🤣, and fish and broccoli so I know that’s she’s not living on noodles or worse still not eating at all as she tends to forget (ASD).

I also have gaming teens left at home and they also make a lot of noise especially at night!

It‘a lovely to hear everyone’s experiences of their DC’s starting uni, I hope that they all settle in ok.

We moved ds in yesterday, he had a wobble before we set off from home but was fine once we got there. His room is lovely and he seems happy with it. We took him out to eat, did a shop with him and then left him getting ready for a welcome party in the SU nightclub. A few tears from all of us when we left but my biggest worry was that he’d stay in his room and be isolated as he is autistic and finds socialising hard. He did go to the party, he managed a couple of hours before going back to the flat and he did talk to some of his flatmates and met someone else from his course. I then had several late night texts about the working of the oven and which setting to use to cook a pizza
I hope all of those struggling manage to settle in soon

We went to see DS yesterday with a few bits and pieces for his room, and took him out for a nice lunch. He seems to have had a good balance so far of going to the Union most nights with his flatmates, joined a few societies, started cooking a bit, and has had a couple of introductory lectures. He’s got his timetable and seems to be gearing up for next week. So far so good, he’s appreciating that shopping and cooking etc on top of studying is going to be more than he’s used to but that’s just a natural change. I’m just so relieved he gets on with his flatmates, as that will help him relax. Was v reassuring to see him. Probably won’t see him for a month now.

Yes the walls are thin! He says he can hear the boy next door put his light on in the morning.