How to support DC with anxiety around uni halls?

[temperedolive]

I have two DC who are currently finishing Y12. One is my DD and the other I call my niece (DN), although she's actually the daughter of a second cousin. I have had custody of DN since she was eight and I love her as one of my own children.

DN is an extremely intelligent young person who is predicted top marks and is consideribg many selective courses. Her main concerns is the uni halls experience. Because of her history with her parents in early childhood, she has a lot of trauma around alcohol and drug use and is worried about exposure to this in halls. We've been approaching this with the idea that she will apply to no-alcohol accommodation, but she's recently seen people saying that peolle only do that is for religious reasons and is now worried about being excluded if faith is a significant part of life in her flat for everyone except her.

Is there any way around this? Are the no-alcohol flats especially religious or is that incorrect? Would it be better to apply for studio accommodation or skip hallls and get a privately rented studio? Living at home would be ideal, but we don't live within commuting distance of any uni that interests her.

DN is already stressed about not being near DD, as they are very close and consider eachother sisters. DD is a very different kind of student and will eventually be pursuing a a creative arts degree but is planning on a gap year or two to work abroad first. So the two of them sharing isn't an option either.

My partner went there for law and ended up leaving halfway through. There is rubbish pastoral care, like others I don’t believe there are decent halls that are no- alcohol, those there who don’t drink get ostracised from the groups. There is also a massive drug scene. I know of a boy who moved out of his halls pretty much the week after he got there because of the behaviour of some of the students on the other floors. Even though these halls were VERY expensive and the best of the best- my partner worked through uni to supplement staying in them.

People who have gotten in trouble for loud music/ bad behaviour/ drugs often get moved out of their original halls and out into different halls with quieter people like your daughter as they deem the quieter people good influences. They give a LOT of chances to people with rotten behaviour often to the detriment of the better behaved students. If your daughter had a shared room, she could find herself or her roommate being swapped out for someone like this halfway through the term. She wouldn’t have a choice in this.

If students are struggling and not turning up to lectures the teachers don’t tend to chase them for months. There was someone in my partners course who didn’t attend classes (too partying and taking shit and it took months for this person to be thrown out.

Fee paying students (ie not Scottish) or Scottish students from poorer areas have a better chance of getting in than Scottish students in affluent areas. Not being rude it’s just the way it is because the uni benefits more off paying students but they still have to fill quotas for poorer students from council areas. Edinburgh uni is 80% foreign students (some not English speaking) it’s a real melting pot. But your daughter might like that.

if she does go, defo avoid pollock halls.

my partner had 5 passes (which you need for Edinburgh uni) and a schoolmate of hers got 5 better passes (all A’s, whereas my partner got B’s) and her schoolmate who did better exam wise didn’t get in- at Edinburgh your interview and personal statement are just as important as your exam grades.

I would describe the uni as all fur coat and no knickers.

Partner got loads of offers from different unis and wished they’d gone with Herriot watt or Stirling but felt pressure to go for Edinburgh due to the prestige and ended up regretting it x

DD used to be the student who cleared up at the end of term because she didn't want the flat to fail inspections.

She was only in halls for 6 months due to lockdown. She then houseshared with tidier students.

This is exactly what happened at Edinburgh. The ONE girl in the group who wasn’t the party animal was forced to clean all the bedrooms and communal rooms up for inspection. There was no quiz like PP at Warwick. You pick a hall and type of room (shared, not shared if you’re rich) at random and take what you’re given.

Mine not a party girl and has found Edi fine. Lots of clubs and activities that don't involve drugs/alcohol. Loves the international students. Chose self catering 1st year accomodation in quiet area (no common room) and only 4 in flat (as opposed to 10). Good advice from others about contacting unis she's interested in and seeing what they advise (and what support they can give her).

Not sure depends on university. My DS went to Warwick and stayed in the blocks most occupied by foreign students. He had absolutely no problem with bad behaviour although it was £200 a week for self catering. My DD had nothing but trouble in Manchester with lots of parties and a police raid. I would contact the university direct to see if they have a solution. Otherwise maybe consider commuting and staying home. Lots of kids do this now.

@latetothefisting
That's an interestjng question. We discussed it (thank you for bringing it up) and she really isn't sure how she would feel about passing intoxicated people on the streets/in corridors as it hasn't commonly happened. However, she does think that it would be much more manageable than in the flat itself. Thinking about this helped her zero in on what she would find most triggering, and she thinks that would be a lingering smell of alcohol or sick in the living space or encountering spilled alcohol/blood/sick/drug paraphernalia in the living space.

Thank you to all for your good advice. It sounds like there are lots of excellent unis that match students in halls based on lifestyle preferences. We know now that we can ask about this on open days and that will make her feel much more empowered. Much appreciated!

It also sounds like she would be better of in halls with en suite rooms.

DS1 was in halls with clubbers (not his scene although he does drink). He found his tribe through societies and on his course. It might be worth talking through this kind of scenario with your DN because neither of my DC’s halls (different unis) did any kind of personality matching. It is a risk that you won’t click with your flatmates … but it’s not the only way to find friends.

Lots of unis now have at least a little specific accommodation catering to SEND including ND students. Trauma and MH needs are also obviously SEND, so I would recommend contacting the uni to see if they have a suitable option for her in relation to this area of need. These halls can have more adult support and might be a good way to ease into student life.

Agree. Totally forgot to say this in my post. Whether a person is in a SEN room , room allowing drinking, room with teetootals, everyone spills out and has parties in the corridors/ smokes on the balconies (if they have them, even though you’re not allowed to) and smoke in the gardens. She would definitely witness it and hear it even if she didn’t have it in her actual room. My partner had a total stranger knock on their door at 2am asking if they had any spare weed or vodka!

https://www.studentminds.org.uk/uploads/3/7/8/4/3784584/student_living_collaborating__to_support_mental_health_in__university_accommodation.pdf www.studentminds.org.uk/uploads/3/7/8/4/3784584/student_living_collaborating__to_support_mental_health_in__university_accommodation.pdf]] this might be useful to read

Definitely speak with the accomodation people at her preferred Uni. They really want to get students in the right accommodation so they don't drop out.
Student reviews of Halls are a good indicator too. My DD looked at these and students ticktok accounts to suss out the least 'party' halls as she doesn't take drugs or drink much.
Some Unis do profile applicants to put them with like minded people - friends DD went to Birmingham and filled in quite a long questionnaire about likes and dislikes and got on fabulously with her housemates, ditto another friend with a DD in Leeds. They asked for accomodation with other vegetarians/vegans.