How to support DC with anxiety around uni halls?

[temperedolive]

I have two DC who are currently finishing Y12. One is my DD and the other I call my niece (DN), although she's actually the daughter of a second cousin. I have had custody of DN since she was eight and I love her as one of my own children.

DN is an extremely intelligent young person who is predicted top marks and is consideribg many selective courses. Her main concerns is the uni halls experience. Because of her history with her parents in early childhood, she has a lot of trauma around alcohol and drug use and is worried about exposure to this in halls. We've been approaching this with the idea that she will apply to no-alcohol accommodation, but she's recently seen people saying that peolle only do that is for religious reasons and is now worried about being excluded if faith is a significant part of life in her flat for everyone except her.

Is there any way around this? Are the no-alcohol flats especially religious or is that incorrect? Would it be better to apply for studio accommodation or skip hallls and get a privately rented studio? Living at home would be ideal, but we don't live within commuting distance of any uni that interests her.

DN is already stressed about not being near DD, as they are very close and consider eachother sisters. DD is a very different kind of student and will eventually be pursuing a a creative arts degree but is planning on a gap year or two to work abroad first. So the two of them sharing isn't an option either.

I should mention that DN has attended and continues to attend therapy as a means of managing her reactions to past traumatic events.

My son was in a no alcohol flat as he doesn’t drink for medical reasons. It was mixed sex, and more common for young people to not drink at all. There were a variety of reasons why people chose it, not all religious, none in his group of flats were that bothered about drinking so chose it for a quieter time.

However it is important to remember that religious people are fun too. Halls usually also match people up with similar interests etc. she will be fine. With her trauma ask about having a guaranteed halls for 3 years to negate having to live in shared houses later.

Also, reach out the charity NACOA. They are amazing. Good luck.

@PinkyShrewbridge Thank you very much! This is extremely helpful.

I don't think I've ever clicked on a thread and see one poster pretty much sum up everything and wrap it up before. What a great response @PinkyShrewbridge

I'd also add that a lot of kids at Uni don't drink anymore. It's the one good thing us party animal Gen X parents have done for our kids! There are so many other things DN can be involved in that don't involve alcohol.

One surprising cultural shift in the UK is that young people no longer drink like they once did. Nearly half don't touch the stuff (compared to only 1 in 3 middle aged people).

Another thing she should know is that likeminded people will find each other at university. There's bound to be a significant chunk of teetotal non-religious students.

What I'm saying is that she won't be alone in this, even in halls.

drugs?

Does she have to go to halls? Can’t she study and stay at home?

Yes, just stay at home. It's not obligatory to live away, or they could do that in their second or third year instead.

@spoonbillstretford
@sprinklesandshines

Unfortunately, we just don't live close enough to the unis that are most appealing to her. There's one viable option within commuting distance and, although I doubt she'd be considering it if it weren't close to home, she probably will choose to apply there But hopefully she'll also be applying to her dream unis, which are further away.

I know it's not the end of the world if she goes to the local uni, and I'd love to have her at home with mw longer. But I do think it would be a shame to not be able to try for the dreams after she's come so far.

I appreciate that but if she finds it hard to cope in halls or to be away from home for the first time she might prefer staying local. What does she want

She wants the dream. She loves to study; she's passionate about her subjects. If she wanted to stay at home, it would be a non-issue and I'd be delighted to have her here.

My DS is at Warwick and had to complete a sort of personality questionnaire before they allocated him his accommodation. He wanted to be in a very party hall and that’s where he ended up. Is your DN going on uni open days? I’d make sure she does and asks questions about the accommodation. She’d also get to see it. When we’ve been we’ve met students who were very much not interested in drinking (not for religious reasons) but into things like hiking or sports. I’d really hope open days would reassure her and help her picture where she’d feel most comfortable.

Gently I would caution against Edinburgh

Oh, that's interesting! May I ask why?

Great advice, thank you!

If you can afford one of the studios that might be a good option- that way there's a retreat space if needed.

I agree that the drinking culture doesn't seem what it was. My daughter sent me a whats app from a night out - it was in a pub but they were sat round a game of cards, not exactly tearing the place up. She's not teetotal but doesn't see alcohol as necessary to have a good time.

I agree with everyone who has said there's less drinking generally. I watch York Uni on social media because they often have helpful info for incoming students (my DC will be there in Sept) and there was one by a guy who doesn't drink. He said it was for religious reasons and I don't think he was Christian, more likely following a religion connected to Islam. He was very open about the fact that it could potentially exclude him from things. He said he goes to the bar to meet his friends before they go clubbing, has a non alcoholic drink with them and then goes his own way when they go off to party. He said that works because they've not all drunk so much that they're incoherent and that they respect his decision not to partake.

This is good advice.

Not all universities do this. At Newcastle it is pot luck who you end up sharing with.

Another option is maybe asking to share with post grad students who are less likely to go off the rails at their first taste of freedom.

Sheffield Uni seems very good at matching students. We were a bit surprised that other Unis don’t bother with this so much. I think that Nottingham for instance is very much pot luck with who you end up sharing with.

Could she take a year out? She doesn’t have to go to Uni at 18 and if staying at home to take a bit of extra time with her counselling would help them it’s not a detriment. She could work and save some money, apply with grades in hand and maybe do a couple of Open University short courses?

I went to uni in the 90s in pot luck halls. There were plenty of people who weren't into drinking and partying even then. I wouldn't recommend a studio, it can be lonely. In halls there's bound to be a range, and worth asking if they match students as others have suggested. Another great way to make friends is through clubs and societies, I met my people more this way than through halls.

My DD went to Newcastle (just done finals).

it seems to be pretty random there and her flat was split between the party animals (drink and drugs) and the non party animals. It got pretty bad and she moved to a studio at Christmas. A couple of the party animals dropped out at Easter.

it wasn’t so much the alcohol and drugs per se but more the staying up all night being really loud, using every pan in the kitchen and leaving it for days etc etc. the flat failed every flat inspection and the uni put pressure on everyone to clean it up which in practice meant the non party animals cleaned it.

Could she speak to the Accommodations team on open days and ask how she would go about having quieter halls? With her background as a LAC she might be able to take priority. Some unis have self contained studios. Even Edi has less party types! Will she apply for DSA if she has mh issues or sensitivities?

Yes, I was going to disagree with the first poster who said "most" halls do this, what are they basing that on? None of the universities I have personal experience with did so.

What do you mean by "exposure" to drugs and alcohol? Because she might be in a no drinking flat but parties flow out into the hallways, people come home drunk and stand outside the windows shouting to friends, smoke weed with windows open so you can smell it walking past, if there's any sort of outdoor space students sit there, often (particularly in the summer) smoking and drinking etc. Would she be able to manage walking through them to get to her flat?

Will having just a non smoking flat be okay in terms of a safe space or will having to walk past visibly intoxicated students to get there be a problem?

I agree that fewer students drink now but there's still a lot that do, and in my experience far more take drugs.

Given your DN's history, she (or you on her behalf) should reach out to university accommodation officers to see how they can best accommodate her. Some universities are really very helpful about meeting students' needs.