in desperate need of some ‘mum’ advice

[ForTealViewer]

hi,

I’ve really messed up with uni and I think my life to be honest, I need desperate help. I attended one in September 22. Left in December 22.

Tried again at a different uni, first year went really well (top grades, awards etc) and then the pressure of second year just got to me and I had an absolute breakdown. I felt like I didn’t enjoy my subject anymore, felt like I wasn’t capable etc. so I am currently on an ‘interruption’.

I feel like my heart is not in my subject at all, I’ve lost all interest, but I can’t tell whether that is the anxiety and subsequent depression (as diagnosed by my GP).

At the end of the semester, I did a really stupid thing and took tablets, which I know in hindsight I shouldn’t have done, something took over me and I just couldn’t stop- I know how ridiculous that sounds.

Even if I do leave uni totally, reasonable jobs that do not require a degree (e.g cabin crew), would not take me with this medical history.

I’ve lost thousands of pounds, a really lovely group of friends, a boyfriend, my family are so disappointed in me.

I am 21, all my friends are graduating uni this year, and have done really successfully. I am now back at square one, with no funding left to do any other course, feeling like an 18 year old all over again. This sounds ridiculous but I really have lost all energy to do anything, have no motivation and genuinely cannot see any way out, the thoughts from the end of my December term have definitely come back.

I have always worked so hard, achieving 2 x A star’s and A’s in my Alevels, academic awards, extra curricular activities etc, and I feel like all my hard work has gone to waste. University has left me depressed, jobless and in loads of debt and I do not even know whether I want to return. And, now I am out of funding, I cannot feasibly return. I am at such a loss of what to do and genuinely cannot see many ways out, I feel like I have wasted my potential and feel like such a failure. I really do not see much of a way out, but am stopping myself from doing anything stupid, due to my family, but that is the only reason.

Just need some ‘mum advice’ as my mum is so disappointed in me, she refuses to speak about it

I'm not in the UK, so not entirely sure how student finance works -- are you saying that you can't go back after your 'interruption' because you would have to fund your own fees? So it's a permanent interruption unless or until you can fund yourself?

Could you do a degree apprenticeship funded by an employer?

OP, you have not messed up your life. It sounds as though uni was wrong for you at this time. Please prioritise your precious health, give yourself time and compassion to recover from some very difficult years, and try not to catastrophise. Very few jobs will be ruled out for medical reasons.

Is there someone kind in your life you can talk to? Could you perhaps access some talking therapy via your GP?

Added: or self-refer on the NHS? https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Do you want to go back? To be honest I wasn't enamoured by my degree subject by the end , but I'd put too much time effort and money in to walk away. I do now actually work in a related field and love it. I was just a bit done with studying I think.
There are two options; you look at the adjustments and plan you need, to make it viable for you to go back and finish it or you have to change the way you thought your future would be. There are paths other than graduate ones. With the latter I wouldn't try and rush into what to do as a career, just get a job any job and have a think about what you might want longer term

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Honestly, at 22, you have not messed up your life. You have so much ahead of you and please don't compare yourself to others.

In terms of Uni, do you still like the subject of the course you have started enough to finish it? Could you see a way back, to pick that up as then I think you'd be ok funding wise? Or could you swap to another course?

Or is there anything else that you would like to do? Maybe have a think about your ideal jobs, or even just things you enjoy, and then see if there is a path that can take you there.

For example, if you are interested in healthcare, could you look at a healthcare assistant role, which could then lead into a nursing apprentice programme. Re cabin crew, have you checked that your medical history rules you out for all airlines? Perhaps when you are feeling better and your GP can give reassurance, this would still be a possibility and in the meantime perhaps look at other roles with airlines?

Please don't think you've ruined anything. Spend time thinking about what you would really like to do and also weigh up whether it's worth trying to finish your current degree.

Re your Mum being disappointed, I'm sorry you're not being supported. I bet she's disappointed that the future she envisaged for you, with you being happy and settled, hasn't worked out, rather than being disappointed in you yourself. Try to remember things will get better. Even just posting here, for ideas, is a great start.

Well you certainly haven’t messed up your life, you sound lovely, and no different to any of my kids. One has gone to uni, one bounced back and tried again…. One saying it’s definitely not for them…..
Even the ones with vocational degrees don’t know what path to take within them. So I’d say don’t panic you’re young. Take some time to think about what you’d like to do, even if it’s just a general subject, or just get a job, see how you find it.It may open pathways you’ve never thought about……

Talk to your family, if not your mum right now, she’ll come round. There are always open university courses for adults, once you find what you’d want to to. If it’s what YOU want. Uni is sold as a dream for everyone, but it’s not……. Your mum should understand when she sees how truly unhappy you are, will she listen at all?

It feels like what you need to do now, absolutely 100% priority, is safeguard your mental health. Please talk to the GP if you haven’t already.

I know counselling can be expensive, but as you’re on a low income you might be able to get free or cheap counselling via local charities. The GP might be able to signpost you somewhere.

You HAVE NOT fucked up your life, I absolutely promise you. But I think you probably need to focus your efforts on getting yourself safe, stable and reasonably happy. Posting on here is a really good start (and shows that you have initiative and courage, which already puts you ahead of a lot of people!) but please, please get real-life mental health support.

Don’t even think about further study or next steps right now.

Sweetheart you're not well just now and that makes everything much harder to see a way through. So the first thing you need to do is prioritise your health. See your GP and tell them what you've told us. I can see you don't want to act of the thoughts about hurting yourself but those thoughts are tormenting you and that can be helped.

When you feel better you can look again at your current course. If you don't return you can still use that year against another degree at some point, maybe supported by an employer or you could do what my mum did and use the open university.

I hope your mum isn't disappointed in you, I suspect she's just gutted about how hard life is for you and how sad you are and that makes her sad which is hard to talk about. If she IS saying she's disappointed in you then she needs to get in the bin quite frankly. That's not helpful, reasonable or kind and so if that is the case then you need to look for other sources of help. Do you have an aunt or uncle you can look to? Or even a godparent? Sometimes people a bit further removed can be a better support.

Jobs - 50 years ago maybe mental health was a barrier but not now. That would be unlawful discrimination and it's also just stupid. We all have mental health, sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. What employers need is people who know how to look after themselves and are kind. That's you, that's what this whole experience is teaching you. You will find a niche.

Finally - what's for you, won't go past you, you will get everything you dream of one day. You deserve it and it will come.

Oh @ForTealViewer have a big hug

It sounds to me like your family (and perhaps yourself) have uber high expectations of you, and anything which veers from that path is simply not good enough.

You are doing brilliantly and you need to walk your own path to adulthood. You are still so young, and none of the academic stuff really matters in the end.

Can you take some time out from your family for a while, while you work through what you want to do? You don't need the chatter from them in the background.

Agree with others you need to get some mental health support too. Look at it as self care. There are also books, websites etc that talk about difficult family dynamics and always wanting/pushing ourselves to meet their expectations. It is worth doing some research on it.

For what it is worth, I come from a high achieving family. As long as we walk and talk the part we have done OK, but for a myriad of reasons, that isn't the path I was able to take and I felt like a failure. It works out OK in the end, but it is miserable in the moment. And - in my mid 40s - I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up, have had several career changes and enjoyed every one of them. I am a big believer in doing what interests you and makes you feel happy in the first instance. People thrive in jobs and careers when they are motivated, so perhaps spend some time thinking about that and then look at the best way to get there over the next 5 to 10 years, rather than put pressure on yourself to go back to uni just yet.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your A levels show you are extremely clever and what you are suffering is depression and burn out. It often happens to those who are high achievers.

I haven't heard of "interruption" but if you have the possibility of returning to university, then think whether you can do so even if you pace yourself and don't work to get the highest grades. BUT you need to take some anti depressants. This need not be long term, but they WILL help raise your mood. Can you transfer to a university near your home town so at least you won't have living costs?
And however bleak things look, it honestly isn't the end of the world.
Even if you decided to quit your degree, there will be employers who are keen to have such an intelligent person on their books...police/civil service/airline ground crew to name but a few.
You've got your whole life in front of you.

I'm sorry that you have had difficulties with your mental health and enjoyment of year 2 of your degree.

Please do not think you are a disappointment to your family. I am sure they are worried about you and want what is best for you. I hope you are getting the help you need so you can see more clearly who you are and what your strengths are, and go forward with a new toolbox to draw from when you need to in future.

It can seem like everyone follows a linear path when everyone goes off to university at 18 but that is not the case. I have heard and read countless stories of young people's journeys as young adults and they are all unique. Even those who seem to have it together by 24 can suffer set backs or find they got swept along in the wrong career for them. And those Kate out of the starting blocks can flourish later in life having taken a more squiggly path.

Have you got support from your university? The first step would seem to be to see if you can change your course or your modules or find some way to return to your university and complete your degree, if you're mentally well enough.

If that is unbearable then look for a job or apprenticeship or spend some time doing work experience or shadowing or volunteering to figure out what kind of career you want. 3 years might sound like a long time out of your life to have got to a point with no degree but in the grand scheme of life it is not. There are still adventures to have and people to meet and you will find your way.

I hope we are on the cusp of an explosion of skills training for young people ( fingers crossed). There are other qualifications that will get you places other than degrees. If you don't want to go back to university look at your local FE College. Look at your local newspaper and see which companies are expanding and will be looking to develop their staff. I'm sure you have much to offer, once you feel well again.

Just to add, my post was a bit practical. But none of that matters until you are well again. Just focus on that first because you won't be able to see clearly until you do. That is all that matters right now.

Your life is not messed up.
You are being very harsh on yourself.
Uni is not for everyone and there are many routes to success.
Use the opportunity to consider what it is that you really want rather than comparing to how others are doing.
I am sure your family are more worried about your well being than disappointed.

Focus on your well being, Look at your realistic options.
Search degree apprenticeships.
This is a small set back for the plans you have.

What do you genuinely enjoy? I’d start to look at part time work doing that at the lowest level.

i’d start by volunteering somewhere, anywhere just to get you out of the house and away from the intrusive thoughts that keep coming back to tell you that you’re no good.

just a day or two a week to begin with and start to consider what other options there are. Is there a university close to where you live so you could live at home? Could you do a part-time course instead and that would take the pressure off you?

Please do know that young people nowadays are going through tremendously hard amounts of pressure coming from all angles and the fact that your here is completely normal in my view.

you haven’t messed up your life you’ve just found that high-pressure environments. Perhaps don’t work for you at the moment but that might change because we do all continue to change as we get older and it may be that this was just a stumbling block and that things will improve, but even if they don’t there are other jobs you can do and other ways of living they don’t require a degree and in fact there are many articles these days showing that the gap between a zero hours contract and a student with a degree in terms of pay, the gap is narrowing.

you may wish to study again when you’re older and by then you’ll really know what you want to do because you’ll have some life experience and for some people going out into the world and working for a couple of years perhaps doing some travel if you can get some money together to do that, we’re really sharpen your mind about what you’re genuinely interested in.

The problem with the way things work at the moment for most people is that you do the degree first before really knowing what you’re truly passionate about and that can only come with time and energy spent doing something outside of school other than study.

I’ve often thought that instead of going straight to university school leavers should be made to work for a couple of years first and then do a degree.

you may also wish to look at the possibility of some kind of neurodiversity, often people with this can perform at high levels for a certain period of time before experiencing burnout and the fact that you’ve bounced around a bit now suggests possible ADHD/ADD. Not sure that diagnosis helps much, but it can help you understand why this has happened and help you consider how to plan your future more effectively.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Please do know that these feelings will pass. They’re just a phase and you’re more than good enough to pursue whatever you want to.

I agree - I work in higher education and there is mental health support available through Disabled Students’ Allowance, including for degree apprenticeships. As a Mum I have always just wanted my DC to be happy. Your Mum is probably more worried about your mental wellbeing than disappointed in you. Try to be kind to yourself.

My dad was a psychiatric nurse for many years. He told me once that some of the hardest clients to make progress with were high-achieving, ‘good’ girls, who’d grown to with a high degree of parental and social pressure to be perfect. To get perfect marks, to succeed academically, to make everyone proud and not let anyone down. And who eventually fell apart under the weight of everyone’s expectations.

My own sister has a similar experience, breezing through school / uni / phd - then crashing into severe mental crisis when she failed to progress in her career and find a job that lived up to her expectations - and what she believed everyone was expecting of her.

Are you talking with anyone neutral about this? A trysted relative, or ex teacher or a counsellor? Are you sure your mum is actually disappointed in you - she may well be feeling out of her depth and not sure how to support you. You’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and you’ve attempted to take your own life. I’m almost certain she’s not disappointed in you: she’s may be terrified to say or do the wrong thing, or doesn’t know what she can do to help.

i work as a guidance counsellor. I can tell you with confidence that you haven’t messed anything up permanently. You are so young, life is going to be full of snakes and ladders, and you will find another ladder to climb.

I completely agree with your Dad, to the extent that I had a serious talk with my high-achieving DD - who has had no pressure from me to achieve - that when all a person’s validation comes from getting top grades, it creates an internal pressure to keep working hard to please other people, be it teachers, grandparents, wider family. Success brings more expectations to succeed even further, and then the fear of disappointing others becomes an overwhelming burden that can lead to burnout.

So often this fear is self-imposed. I know sometimes it comes from parents - I’ve seen them at university open days planning their children’s life paths. But frequently it stems from a fear of being a disappointment.

If I was your Mum I wouldn’t be disappointed, but desperately worried about how to keep you safe.

As a young woman you have so many options - none of them need to involve university, although that is still more than possible if it is what you choose. You are just beginning to live your adult life and you have many paths to explore. Spend some time getting well before you decide - many people have a series of careers these days.

Hi sweetie. You haven't messed up your life. I promise. My husband went to uni and after a while decided he didn't want to do it anymore. We had a baby too so it was more beneficial for him to get a job. Data entry first then in a supermarket where he worked his way up to management. He's now the manager of an IT team after working his way up from the start there. It's possible. Also, I know a few people who have Uni degrees and work in completely different careers, never using their qualifications. Find something you enjoy. Life is too short. Good luck. 🤞

Uni has gone, it was not right for you and that is ok. It is not a failure. You need to take time for yourself and find a path that is right for you. Let yourself feel better and use that as your measure of success. You have a long life to do what you want. DH dropped out of uni and honestly it was not right for him, now in his 50's he is successful in his field and happy. He dod jobs in his early years that he enjoyed but were not an academic path. Ds just finished his masters and is mowing lawns as a job as he needed time and space, he was overwhelmed and I am proud of him, he has struggled with his mental health. It will get better once you feel better.

Hi, OP -

I am also very sorry for how you are feeling. From long experience with my personal tutees and on Mitigating Circumstances panels, I can assure you that what you are describing happens all the time, and people do get through and go on to live full, rich lives. But it takes some clear thinking.

You are showing signs of difficulty with that and no wonder, as this is a very common symptom of stress or depression. Eg about your mum: it is very sad that she is unable to support you properly right now. You need and deserve that. But it is a huge, unwarranted leap to say this is because she is disappointed in you. She may be overly identified with you, she may find your situation too stressful to cope with, she may not know what to do, she may be afraid you will ask for money she does not have for private mental or physical healthcare (that is a complete stab in the dark) etc etc. Hypotheses abound and I am sure your first rate mind, being on the scene, can add to this list.

Mine don’t paint your mum in the best light, though they show her to be weak and human (yet loving) rather than nasty. Still, removing our parents from that pedestal can be painful. Is it easier, in your present state of mind, to blame yourself for disappointing her?

To the rest: My experience with students validates PPs who say health comes first, and I always tell struggling students this: everything is much easier when you regain your health. When we embark on a stressful situation while ill, as it sounds like you are (perhaps with residual depression, at minimum with too much stress, perhaps physically; I would not presume to say) we usually become more ill and the new situation does not work out. Please get better before resuming studies.

By my count you have used 2 yrs of financial aid, is that right? So in England you have one more year. When you are stronger you will see that this is nothing to sneeze at!

If you have a goal and make a good start you can then switch to part time study combined with employment. This is becoming more widely available and there is always the highly respected OU with its excellent employment statistics. OU also has a good PG placement record.

(If you are truly out of funding after regaining your health you can start with the part time option whilst working as soon as you are ready)

You need to get healthy, and you need to figure out what appeals. You probably need a source of income. Taking a year or so to get this right will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

Who cares if your friends are temporarily slightly ahead of you? Life is still waiting for them, and comparison is the thief of joy.

Take care, and very best wishes. P&W

PS Of course you may decide university isn’t right for you and that is also a perfectly good outcome. But you have a very fine mind and to the extent that using it gives you satisfaction, don’t prematurely write off finding a way to do that. You still have lots of options.

I just wanted to say thank you so much to each and every one of you for your comments, have sat and sobbed at your kindness. Thank you.

Just a bit of background. My mother suffers from depression herself, and so yes, finds it hard to believe her daughter has had a similar experience. I adore her, don’t get me wrong, but our relationship is very strained, especially after she was very ill and attempted herself multiple times during lockdown of 2020 and I cared for her at 16.

She is a teacher and so a lot of her disappointment, which she has outwardly expressed unfortunately, comes from the fact she taught some of my friends, they’ve gone off and been successful and in her words ‘just got on’ with uni. She has told me I need to have some self respect and repeatedly told me how I have ‘thrown my life away’.

In regards to uni, as I am in second year of my course, I cannot change unfortunately, and have run out of funding to do anything else. I also don’t receive support from my parents with rent, I have made it up from my part time job, and so that adds a lot of extra implications too. My parents support my sister with her rent but unfortunately, do not have enough to support me too.

With career options, I love caring for people and offering advice (hypocritical considering the current situation I know), but it genuinely fills me with such joy making people happy. I think I would love to do something in social work/counselling, but I know that requires a degree. In hindsight, I really should have done a degree in this and am kicking myself for it. I’ve seen masters programmes, but they are super competitive and an extra 2-3years, which again, I can’t afford.

I would just like to thank you all again for you support <3

You could start with a social work assistant job. Or a social care job (high demand) both jobs will most likely put you through training which they usually fund.

I know that it’s probably not an area you’ve thought about, but have you considered something like insurance broking? There are loads of jobs in insurance, and so many don’t require a degree. Employers usually pay for you to take exams on the job which would bring you into line with colleagues with degrees. It can be very people focused and you’d be giving advice daily. There are loads of opportunities for the right people.

Hi, OP -

I can’t count, even though I am in STEM. Sorry about that.

Student Finance England will fund a loan for the length of your original degree + 1 year. You have used at most 1 yr + 2 yrs. If your original programme was 3 years long, you are still eligible for the +1 yr of loan support.

Your mum’s background makes sense, unfortunately: I think your situation is likely just too close to hers for her to cope with. She may fee guilty about passing on a vulnerability to MH problems, whether or not there is any validity to the idea that parents can do this (eg genetically or by modelling unhelpful patterns of thought) - this is far from my own expertise. But I wish she would lay off!

My understanding is that many MH professionals have been through the fires themselves, and it makes them more sensitive and understanding. If your goal is social work or counselling, go for it!

@ABigBarofChocolate had great ideas for you. I suspect SW assistant is more relevant but I know nothing about job demand. Social care jobs are going begging.

Now if we could get your parents to give you some support……But if they won’t then at least for the year you have left with Student Finance (if in England) you are surely eligible for a maximum maintenance loan.

So happy you have a goal. Now please regain your health and do it right. I think you can