Is it normal for DD to hide uni application info

[secretiveuniteen]

My DD is quite academic and has applied to oxbridge. She has some results back for exams but won't tell me them and says it's a secret and up to her and nothing to do with me & DH. She has an interview soon and I asked if she needed help. She says she's 18 and it's nothing to do with us and she's independent despite living at home with us supporting her.

I'm wondering if IABU and she's independent and I need to just accept it or if she's being unreasonable and other teens talk to their parents about uni applications. And to confirm she goes to a state school, me and DH went to university but not oxbridge and no pressure from us except for her to do what she wants to do and do her best - whatever that may be...,

It sounds like it’s just really important to her and she wants to keep it to herself to avoid added pressure.

Can you compromise? You don’t need to see the application or be involved with interview prep but someone else does - someone from school/a tutor or a family friend? That way you know she is supported and the third party can flag anything amiss to you, but her wishes are respected.

On a more general basis, when my dcs did their application for Uni, I didn’t see any of it. I never saw their personal statement.
we discussed the different Unis and, as parents, we had an idea of what they were going to put, however, they very much did that in their own and told us what it was going to be!

I think this is one of their first big decision about their life. One they really should take first themselves rather than based on what their parents want them to do/tell them etc…

Step back but let her know if she needs or wants anything you are there at any time.

What's one got to do with the other?

This is just a natural part of growing up I think. She wants to be an adult. Just let her. Let her know you're here to bounce ideas off for her interviews, or if she just wants to talk through worries - but don't push her.

My youngest is 17. I've never felt that me financially supporting them means they shouldn't be allowed privacy at this age.

Maybe she doesn’t want to create expectations; I will respect it; I would like it if they share the info with parents but will respect it.

Is she going to the interview alone? This would be very odd I think. Although I know international students do.

My DD needed a sounding board but I didn’t look at DDs application or practice an interview as she wanted MFL. Neither did school do much and certainly didn’t talk to me. I did know one teacher thought she was wasting her time. I did hang around nervously during the interview in a cafe but left it to her to say how she felt afterwards. I already knew my input would be limited because she was capable. That was ok.

Thanks so much everyone for your posts. They're much appreciated. I had a lovely chat with DD this morning to apologise if she felt extra pressure from us and to say that was the last thing we wanted. I said we're here if she needs us and that as parents we're still learning and sometimes we make mistakes or don't do things in the best way. She said she understood and she's happy.

I am pleased she's asserting her independence and think it's really healthy. We normally have an open relationship between us and I've realised she's just growing up which is just as it should be

Thanks again everyone

Oh, that's lovely @secretiveuniteen and you sound like a loving and sensible mother (a wonderful combination).

Good luck to your DD!

My DD is very like this and has been since she started talking so I think it's very much her personality rather than anything I've done terribly wrong!

I don't pretend to be an expert and don't always get it right but generally when I do have success it's been with a combination of these three things:

1. Getting the timing right when she seems to be in a more relaxed mood and more amenable to talking.

2. Using a bit of humour and exaggeration "I understand you don't want to give too much away but please let me know before telling me you need a lift to St Andrews the next day."

3. Trying to be straightforward without any hint of emotional blackmail. If you genuinely feel you have a need for certain info - especially for financial planning - then just say so and explain why. "All the universities have different expenses etc so it would help me to know if you're applying for London or Bangor".

Generally there's an awful lot of advice around about dealing with teenagers who argue all the time and very little for dealing with the strong/silent types!

@secretiveuniteen my two DC have been secretive on sharing at various times during adolescence especially with big things that are complicated for them to process. I think you approach of being there but not enquiring is just what they need... all the best with their interview - it is tough time for our DC.

On the day DD got her Oxbridge results she disappeared from school for four hours, we were panicking she was very upset by not getting an offer but it turned out she'd just gone to a cafe with a friend and didn't feel the need to tell us she'd got an offer...

Then DD went off to her college offer holders day in the spring term and when I asked her how it was she explained about how the parents were in one room and the students in another having different sessions. I said why were parents there and she said, oh parents were invited but I didn't tell you as I didn't want you there.... I can completely see it was her time to explore her future and she didn't need to be tied to the apron strings. I'd have been the same.

DS has repeatedly over time told me he is a strong independent young man as to why he doesn't need to tell us things; usually a few days afterwards he loses phone / wallet / and other vital item and he's on the phone.

Totally empathise it is hard as a parent being pushed away but it's a a phase and all part of them becoming more independent. Both DD and DS are both now much more communicative which is lovely ....

Glad the OP’s DD is happy. I’d have assumed that she was feeling anxious and under pressure hence the secrecy. It’s easy for kids to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of having to succeed given their parents’ investment. I applied to Oxbridge on my own, without my school knowing (although my parents did). It felt easier to succeed or fail in privacy.

Wonderful update, OP

I have 2 kids currently at uni and one who will probably be applying this time next year, they are all happy to share what their exam results are and what they are putting on their UCAS forms. This level of secrecy to me is a bit odd.

As I understand it - and it will depend on the course - most Oxbridge applicants don’t get in. A large majority don’t. Having not got in, it’s a short step to feeling like a reject and not good enough. The more people knew you were applying, the more people you then had to tell about what was possibly your first big failure in life. But it’s a numbers game - lots of very highly qualified young people don’t get in. It sounds like your daughter is - perhaps wisely - managing expectations.

I’d be emphasising that wherever she goes is good enough. That what matters is making the most of wherever she does go.

I agree with a previous poster that she's probably worried about the world and his wife knowing all about her achievements and potential, and then having to face the humiliation (as she will see it) if she doesn't get in.
I think a desire to be independent is a good thing and you're clearly doing an excellent job in raising her!

I don't think there is a normal with teenagers. I would wonder if there was some anxiety going on, or perhaps she is undecided about actually going. It might be useful to see if she'll be able to have a one to one with a careers adviser and / or a councillor, just to make sure everything is okay. It comes with the territory of being a parent to worry.

I didn't tell my parents a lot about what was going on in my life when I was young because they were unbelievably clueless (though well meaning) and their opinions and advice were more hindrance than anything else. It makes me very sad that they were so useless, even though I understand why that might have been, and I have tried extremely hard with our children to understand their lives and generation and not to work with "but in my day" opinions and received wisdom like my parents. I do tend to think that children's natural inclination is to lean on their parents and share what's going on and that if they don't it's because parents, in some shape or form, haven't got a full grasp of their children's lives and the information required to take good decisions. Deciding what and where to study at university is a massive, life-changing decision and, even though a child must fully own whatever decision they take, it is incumbent upon parents to stay fully abreast of the process. I wonder whether your DD doesn't quite trust your information gathering and analysis skills? And that might explain why she doesn't want to talk to you about her university application?

I'd try to keep it to the 'need to know' questions for the moment, having seen your update.

You do probably need to know if she's doing her interview from school or at home, so that you can provide any tech she needs and then bugger off for the duration/remove noisy pets/squash any younger siblings while she does the actual interview.

If she gets an offer and wants help moving in, you need to know the term dates and the college!

But it does make a refreshing change from the opposite extreme of anxious parental hovering over candidates.